Dating 25, It's Not You, It's Me

[Sophelia]

Why should Kay have to share such private information with a bunch of strangers in order to get some goddamned human kindness out of her signficant other?

Er, I wasn't suggesting she should share it with them to get kindness from her boyfriend. I'm just worried if she is stuck on a bike ride and has several stages to go, that she can't rely on the boyfriend any more to stick with her, so it might help to have the rest of the family making sure she doesn't get left alone on the ride.

ETA: Frankly I would hope they would abandon the bike ride and find some other transport back.

[Tears of Lys]

Kay, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you definitely have the support and understanding of all of us. It can't possibly be fun right now to have to stick it out till Monday in these circumstances.

If you can in any possible way get the guy alone SOMEHOW - invent something if you have to - have that "come to Jesus" talk with him sooner rather than later. And I mean really scorch him.

If he doesn't do/say everything you could wish for, get the hell outta there. There's nothing worse than being stuck in a situation with one who's supposed to care for you and they've revealed themselves to not be the person you thought they were.

:grouphug: <----- Creepy Internet... well, you know.

[Angalin]

Family dynamics can make people behave really strangely, and if something like that is going on then V needs to be upfront about it with Kay. BUT that in no way excuses his behaviour on this occasion. It sounds like something my ex would have done and that I used to put up with, until I didn't any more. His dismissing your distress like that is not ok on any level. Sending you virtual cookies, Kay.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

Knowing the source of your anxiety and still leaving you behind and then treating you the way he did is beyond unacceptable.

[Pendergraft]

I would waste no time whatsoever and dump the sack of sh1t. Completely inexcusable.

THIS!!!!

Here's my reason why:

I agree with ES & Chats, I do understand where the others opinions can be plausible but I re-read your post before I answered. With full disclosure of your anxiety beforehand and an understanding that he will not leave you alone and yet he did and not even have the decency to be compassionate about it. Add to the fact that he dismissed you after you alerted him I am having a panic attack as a result of his action. Then make you finish the bike ride knowing you are in that situation. Lastly and what takes the cake, is he made you feel bad about it by subjecting you to humiliation in front of his family, that's reprehensible! Clearly this shows his pattern at that moment and the aftermath. Kay, I mean I don't even know you personally and I empathize with what you had to go through. I have driving anxiety since my accident in 2008 and I can't even fathom what you had to go through in that situation. I'd flip a bitch if that ever happened to me and mine is just driving. NO ONE should be treated that way above all someone who's a rape victim!

[Lily Valley]

Kay, I'm with Ang on this one. Being around family has turned a lot of people I love into complete strangers. Take a walk with him and chew his ass out. The guy adores you and I think (hope) he'll give you the apology and support you deserve.

I am so sorry.

Want me to come beat him up?

[Gillio]

Kay, I agree with Lily. I have suffered from panic attacks, too, and they are hard to deal with, and for that matter, hard to admit to or explain to someone.

I wonder though, why he arranged for you to visit with his family while they were doing this particular activity? was he hoping to "cure " the anxiety?

(I may be being paranoid, my mum spent some time trying to "cure" or disprove my lactose intolerance with sneaky hidden milk products!!!)

[The guy from the Vale]

OK guys and gals, I got some relationship problem that I guess needs to be addressed and I don't know how to do it.

My girlfriend smokes. She has been a very sporadic smoker through the almost 7 years of our relationship, often stopping entirely for months, then getting back to smoking one or two cigarettes a day. I wasn't particularly happy about her smoking at all, but I could deal with that amount, as long as she also stuck with my other rules regarding smoking (mainly, no smoking in our apartment). On the other hand, I have smoked the grand total of one cigarette my entire life.

A few months ago though, she started smoking more and more. She's at about 6 to 8 cigarettes a day now. This leads to several problems. The first one is that we're in a rather tight spot financially. The expenses for her cigarettes are now hardly covered by our entertainment/luxury goods/fun stuff budget that we originally both agreed to. But she still wants to go take a swim or to the restaurant regularly.

Moreover, she smells like an ashtray all the time now. Whenever she comes home, I feel like I choke on the smell of the cigarette she smoked on the way home. It also turns me off - my desire to have sex with her has plummeted during these three or four months precisely because kissing her or smelling her hair makes me nauseous now.

I've discussed both issues with her before, but she still hasn't stopped smoking, or at least reduced the amount she smokes, since. I feel at quite a loss what to do there. Any ideas?

[Ordos]

OK guys and gals, I got some relationship problem that I guess needs to be addressed and I don't know how to do it.

My girlfriend smokes. She has been a very sporadic smoker through the almost 7 years of our relationship, often stopping entirely for months, then getting back to smoking one or two cigarettes a day. I wasn't particularly happy about her smoking at all, but I could deal with that amount, as long as she also stuck with my other rules regarding smoking (mainly, no smoking in our apartment). On the other hand, I have smoked the grand total of one cigarette my entire life.

A few months ago though, she started smoking more and more. She's at about 6 to 8 cigarettes a day now. This leads to several problems. The first one is that we're in a rather tight spot financially. The expenses for her cigarettes are now hardly covered by our entertainment/luxury goods/fun stuff budget that we originally both agreed to. But she still wants to go take a swim or to the restaurant regularly.

Moreover, she smells like an ashtray all the time now. Whenever she comes home, I feel like I choke on the smell of the cigarette she smoked on the way home. It also turns me off - my desire to have sex with her has plummeted during these three or four months precisely because kissing her or smelling her hair makes me nauseous now.

I've discussed both issues with her before, but she still hasn't stopped smoking, or at least reduced the amount she smokes, since. I feel at quite a loss what to do there. Any ideas?

I would say first to provide a written list of every single consequence of having a smoker's lifestyle. Social, economic and health. Read it out to her and say 'If you love me or yourself, you cannot choose to be ignorant'

Second, is her smoking a deal breaker for your relationship? If she chooses not to kick the habit, then maybe just maybe, it's a choice between the love of your partner or your health. It's entirely up to you but you must ask yourself difficult questions.

If she complies to your need (but more importantly her need) for her to stop, do whatever is in your ability to help her to completely stop smoking.

Another tip I have only works on atheists. Just ask 'If there is no God to protect you, why take the 60% chance on getting lung cancer?'

[Melphis Amekia]

I would say first to provide a written list of every single consequence of having a smoker's lifestyle. Social, economic and health. Read it out to her and say 'If you love me or yourself, you cannot choose to be ignorant'

Second, is her smoking a deal breaker for your relationship? If she chooses not to kick the habit, then maybe just maybe, it's a choice between the love of your partner or your health. It's entirely up to you but you must ask yourself difficult questions.

If she complies to your need (but more importantly her need) for her to stop, do whatever is in your ability to help her to completely stop smoking.

Another tip I have only works on atheists. Just ask 'If there is no God to protect you, why take the 60% chance on getting lung cancer?'

I agree with the rest, but this one is just doesn't make any sense to me. Mind you, I'm not looking for a religious debate, I'm just wondering why the hell would that statement work, especially on atheists.

[Xray the Enforcer]

I am willing to bet good money that the increased smoking is merely a symptom of a larger problem, either in the relationship or in the gf's life in general. As such, harping on the smoking is not going to actually solve the issue.

[Arkhangel]

I would say first to provide a written list of every single consequence of having a smoker's lifestyle. Social, economic and health. Read it out to her and say 'If you love me or yourself, you cannot choose to be ignorant'

Second, is her smoking a deal breaker for your relationship? If she chooses not to kick the habit, then maybe just maybe, it's a choice between the love of your partner or your health. It's entirely up to you but you must ask yourself difficult questions.

If she complies to your need (but more importantly her need) for her to stop, do whatever is in your ability to help her to completely stop smoking.

Another tip I have only works on atheists. Just ask 'If there is no God to protect you, why take the 60% chance on getting lung cancer?'

Oh god no. It's hard to imagine what could be more patronising or insulting than waving an itemised list in her face. She's an adult, I highly doubt she's unaware of the consequences of smoking and clearly she has made the informed decision that it's a price she is willing to pay, so treating her like a naughty child is only going to end badly.

I could never date a smoker, I really can't stand the smell and it's a huge turn-off for me, so I understand where you're coming from. That said, I think Xray is probably right that such a recent/significant change in her behaviour is likely to have been caused by something, and that's what you should be talking to her about instead of the smoking.

[The guy from the Vale]

@Xray: The increase in smoking pretty clearly coincides with the beginning of our financial problems (and I've made that connection myself). While those will hopefully be over next month, I do fear she might be unable to reduce the amount she smokes.

@Ordos: I've discussed the direct issues with her. Being obnoxious about it won't help at all.

@Arkhangel: If she had been smoking as much when we got together, I wouldn't have wanted to be in a relationship with her either. But I'm reluctant to finish an otherwise working 7-year relationship over this as long as I still have hope she'll stop or at least reduce her smoking.

[Ordos]

Oh god no. It's hard to imagine what could be more patronising or insulting than waving an itemised list in her face. She's an adult, I highly doubt she's unaware of the consequences of smoking and clearly she has made the informed decision that it's a price she is willing to pay, so treating her like a naughty child is only going to end badly.

I just cannot understand why somebody would willingly choose to do something very costly with so little return.

But perhaps I'm the wrong person to ask as I have never had to deal with substance addiction of any sort my entire life.

[Xray the Enforcer]

@Xray: The increase in smoking pretty clearly coincides with the beginning of our financial problems (and I've made that connection myself). While those will hopefully be over next month, I do fear she might be unable to reduce the amount she smokes.

OK, so she's likely self-medicating -- likely for some combination of anxiety, depression, and garden-variety stress. As such, perhaps the better tack would be to encourage her to visit a medical professional to deal with the mental-health issues via CBT or some such (only you can make the call if she'd be receptive to this). You will never get her to quit by harping on her -- in fact, that will probably make the smoking worse because she will now be dealing with the stress and guilt of failing the relationship in addition to all of the other woes, and she'll definitely start to resent you in much the same way that you are starting to resent her. That's bad news for the long-term viability of the relationship.

As for the financial issues, I guess once those are over you will also see if the smoking tapers off. If not, the two of you have a couple of choices (switching to e-cigs that don't smell bad, etc), but I'd still suggest that she see a therapist so she can deal with stress triggers in a way that isn't a detriment to the relationship. Good luck.

(I'll also add that, once the smoking issue is resolved, you two should probably sit down and have a frank discussion about goals/priorities, because it sounds like there's still a disconnect with how the two of you view budgets and the sanctity thereof -- cigarettes are just the current trigger for the larger philosophical dispute.)

[The guy from the Vale]

She already is in treatment (and has been since way before she started smoking). She's also been using e-cigs before; they were my first suggestion when she increased smoking (because I do get the self-medication angle), but she's been unwilling to use her e-cig much, mainly because it's so far easier to get a pack of cigarettes at the store around the corner; getting e-cig fluid means she has to go to the town center to get it and that seems too much of a hassle right now. :-/

[Quorra]

She already is in treatment (and has been since way before she started smoking). She's also been using e-cigs before; they were my first suggestion when she increased smoking (because I do get the self-medication angle), but she's been unwilling to use her e-cig much, mainly because it's so far easier to get a pack of cigarettes at the store around the corner; getting e-cig fluid means she has to go to the town center to get it and that seems too much of a hassle right now. :-/

I would advise you to approach her with the mindset that this is something she wants to quit, and together the two of you will try to figure out how to work on this, together. "So, you've been smoking more lately than you used to. What can I do to help you with this? How can we make it easier for you to quit?"

[Quorra]

I am currently on vacation with the boy, hanging out with his family. All of this was going great until last night.

I read your story over and over and my heart goes out to you. What a trapped situation you were in. I hope things have improved for you. The worst thing he did was how he handled it so insensitively. That was an utter betrayal, a stab in the back.

I would forgive him for leaving you behind as just a jerk move, and careless, if only he had apologized once he realized what a mistake that was. It is plausible that someone in his position might have honestly, innocently (stupidly, but forgiveably) underestimated the severity of your feelings, might have thought that your request not to be left behind for even a moment was partially a joke. He might be feeling stressed about being around his family - not sure whether to play his role as your partner or their son. All that can excuse a mistake, a momentary lapse in judgement. But he also needs to learn to handle a complex situation, own up to his mistake and apologize, and more importantly, make it up to you by convincing you that he gets it now and it won't ever happen again. If he can't do that then he has some growing up to do. I wouldn't think less of you for sticking together if everything else is great and you think this is not indicative of a general insensitivity. Only you can know that.

[karaddin]

Kay I'm late but my 2c. Leaving you behind was terrible and grounds for a serious conversation. When he knows how you feel even letting his family ask you to go in the first place is insensitive IMO, and leaving you alone shows a stunning lack of compassion.

How he reacted afterwards was worse, responding with annoyance and pushing you on when you have a panic attack and then ridiculing your feelings to his family is unacceptable IMO. That's a sufficiently major red flag for the future to justify breaking up without another chance, as has been expressed by others that have stayed in relationships they shouldn't have. Even if it is being around his family influencing his behaviour that's just not good enough, he's putting how he looks in his families eyes ahead of your feelings. When you partner up with someone they are your primary family, and you are their ambassador to your family. If they have an issue like this (that isn't an issue with a member of their family), their job is to look out for you, to prevent you being in that situation and to defend your behaviour as justified and reasonable even without giving details if need be. He has not only failed to do this but shown a lack of interest in even trying.

You deserve better.

[Quorra]

I had the strangest weekend ever. I would like to sum up the highlights for your entertainment. The highlights still make for a long story.

My handsome, big shouldered, tiny-eyed divorced former crush came to town to hang out with me on Saturday.

He was late. I wasted a day not being able to commit to doing anything else, waiting for him. And he annoyed me when he got here. He drove to my house and I offered to drive us out and around. Dinner. He was being obnoxious.

His prison friend showed up when we were still hanging out together at the restaurant - surprise! - to offer his own brand of annoying to the party by continuously imitating Tom Hardy's Bane voice. They proceeded to get so drunk I had to drive them back to my house b/c I couldn't figure out where the friend lived. He was being annoying and evasive with directions.

Tinyeyes and Banevoice ate all my chips and salsa and were really loud. I wanted them to sober up. They smoked a joint. They spilled a pitcher of sangria on my rug.

Tinyeyes passed out spread eagle diagonally across my bed. Banevoice revealed to me his tattoo of Salma Hayek, in her role in From Dusk Till Dawn. When I asked him to leave, he took off his shirt and started flexing. He wanted to kiss me and I told him he was disgusting and I'd never kiss someone so sweaty. He asked if he could shower and I said he needed it.

He was in the bathroom so long I started to drift off to sleep on the couch. When he emerged he smelled like a fruit salad and we made out for about 20 minutes before Tinyeyes roused himself and I kicked them both out. Banevoice-HayekTat called me a "princes" and texted me all manner of repulsive promises that I'm sure he thought were melting my heart. I blocked them both on my phone and spent Sunday shopping for a new rug and washing my sheets and blanket.