LGBTQI - We're here, we're...you know the rest of it

[protar]

So let me get this straight... you're asking our lesbian and trans boarders for their input on your steamy lesbian sex scenes? Are you unfamiliar with the ways in which two women have sex? Are you looking for colorful euphemisms for the clitoris? 

There is pretty much zero chance this request will be perceived as non-creepy in any way. 

They're writing a book with sex scenes in it, the characters happen to be gay and they specifically don't want it to be fanservicey and exploitative. They're considering just pulling the sex entirely to avoid knee-jerk reactions like this. How can there be any progress in LGBTQIA media portrayals if we immediately take a negative stance towards gay sex scenes? I don't see what seemed creepy about his request. 

[NestorMakhnosLovechild]

They're writing a book with sex scenes in it, the characters happen to be gay and they specifically don't want it to be fanservicey and exploitative. They're considering just pulling the sex entirely to avoid knee-jerk reactions like this. How can there be any progress in LGBTQIA media portrayals if we immediately take a negative stance towards gay sex scenes? I don't see what seemed creepy about his request. 

I'm obviously not taking a "negative stance towards gay sex scenes." I'm taking a negative stance on soliciting lesbians to talk about their vaginas under the guise of "research" for your book's sex scenes.

If you want to write a lesbian sex scene, just go ahead and write a lesbian sex scene. Workshop it after it's done and ask for feedback. Any "research" that one might need to do on the mechanics of lesbian sex is widely available online and trivial to do. Most literary sex scenes fail because the writing is terrible, not because the author fails to understand the mechanics of lesbian sex. So if you want feedback on your writing - by all means, submit the piece and ask for feedback. 

[protar]

I'm obviously not taking a "negative stance towards gay sex scenes." I'm taking a negative stance on soliciting lesbians to talk about their vaginas under the guise of "research" for your book's sex scenes.

If you want to write a lesbian sex scene, just go ahead and write a lesbian sex scene. Workshop it after it's done and ask for feedback. Any "research" that one might need to do on the mechanics of lesbian sex is widely available online and trivial to do. Most literary sex scenes fail because the writing is terrible, not because the author fails to understand the mechanics of lesbian sex. So if you want feedback on your writing - by all means, submit the piece and ask for feedback. 

Well, this is the opposite impression I got from the post. As I read it, Agrippa merely wanted a bit of insight into that POV so they could write it with sensitivity and not accidentally write something offensive. No where did they mention the mechanics of lesbian sex. Giving them the benefit of the doubt that everything in their post can be taken at face value it seems like a fairly innocuous request with the intent to be respectful. If this is all just some cover to get people to talk about their vaginas then I'm with you - that's creepy. Just isn't what I got from it.

@Aggripa - Nestor is right though that it would probably be more helpful for you to show someone a scene you have written and then they can workshop it. We don't know what this scene is, we can't write it for you. 

[Kojiro]

After a reminder about a doctor's appointment I made many months ago about a medical problem that was bugging me back then and has for the most part cleared up since was sent on the phone, she started getting on my case. Ordering me to "dress straight" and trying to justify her unreasonable demand that the doctor will refuse me service even though state law says he couldn't even if he wanted to (I might wind up cancelling it anyway since I don't have the problem anymore), declaring that I'm "still a man" and justifying her refusal to use the right pronouns, and implying that there was a lot nastier pancake she could say, she's shown no sign of actual change. I'm pretty much tempted to just give up on her and get the pancake out of here again, because I cannot live with someone who hates who I am. I'm feeling tears that won't come out and feeling so much frustration.

I can't deal with it anymore.

 

[TerraPrime]

I can't deal with it anymore.

 

Understandably so, when the people who are supposed to love us fail so spectacularly at what is something so simple. With all that have taken place, it's time you lived on your own and be away from such a toxic impact in your life.

[karaddin]

Don't ever blame yourself for keeping at it, or caring what she thinks, but if you do hit/are hitting that point where you just can't keep trying then also don't blame yourself if you need to cut her out.  Your own well being needs to come first, and if she won't support you she is failing you. I'm so sorry you are having to make this call

[Robin Of House Hill]

@Kojiro,

I agree with TerraPrime and karaddin, that your well being comes first.  I have to ask a question.  Do you have the resources to find a place of your own (or with a roommate)?  Because, if you do, getting away from a toxic environment, may be the best choice.

I did, however note one thing.  Do you think her statement that the doctor will refuse you service, was solely to beat you over the head, or is there a chance that she really fears that could happen?

[Kojiro]

@Kojiro,

I agree with TerraPrime and karaddin, that your well being comes first.  I have to ask a question.  Do you have the resources to find a place of your own (or with a roommate)?  Because, if you do, getting away from a toxic environment, may be the best choice.

I did, however note one thing.  Do you think her statement that the doctor will refuse you service, was solely to beat you over the head, or is there a chance that she really fears that could happen?

I really don't know. She's pretty much still living in the 70s or something, because all of her anecdotal stories of "how things are" are from way back then. She seems unaware that a lot has changed since then.

As for resources, though, the last time I flew the coop, being completely homeless or going back to her were my only two options. Hopefully I've built up enough local friends to change that this time around but it's also still quite likely that I still would have nowhere safe to go.

[First of My Name]

I'm considering changing my Facebook profile so it says I'm interested in men. But I don't think any of my friends (who don't know but probably suspect) would notice it anytime soon (I never check their profiles, at least), so it might not be the best way. Or maybe it is, if someone saw it and spread the word it'd honestly be way easier.

ETA: Decided against it for now. This Friday is 'Purple Friday' at school, a pro-LGBT event, and there's a good chance one of my suspecting friends will ask me if I'm gay (probably as a joke), and that might be a better opportunity.

 

Kojiro, that sucks I'm afraid I don't have any advice.

[TerraPrime]

First of My Name:

The right time and place will present itself, I am sure.  :-)

[protar]

Maybe it's because I'm kind of drunk, but I just wanted to thank all of you guys for everything you've done for me. You've been so instrumental to my journey and my friend said I should say thanks to all of you. Last week (?) I came out to my friends as trans and they were awesomely supportive. And it's all because of you that I could do that. So thanks, I love all you guys.

[TerraPrime]

D'awwww. We love you back. :-)

 

*grouphug*

[TrackerNeil]

ETA: Decided against it for now. This Friday is 'Purple Friday' at school, a pro-LGBT event, and there's a good chance one of my suspecting friends will ask me if I'm gay (probably as a joke), and that might be a better opportunity.

Coming out is a process, isn't it? You have to think about it, decide to do it, re-think it, decide again...it's a whole ball of tough. Keep the faith.

[First of My Name]

Coming out is a process, isn't it? You have to think about it, decide to do it, re-think it, decide again...it's a whole ball of tough. Keep the faith.

It definitely is, and a long one at that. Thanks.

[karaddin]

Maybe it's because I'm kind of drunk, but I just wanted to thank all of you guys for everything you've done for me. You've been so instrumental to my journey and my friend said I should say thanks to all of you. Last week (?) I came out to my friends as trans and they were awesomely supportive. And it's all because of you that I could do that. So thanks, I love all you guys.

No thanks is necessary, I'm just glad things have helped and it's going well.  Talking through how I was feeling on this board did a lot for helping me with the process as well, I'm so glad we've got this little pocket of space. If you want to add me on FB send me a PM, I'd be more than happy to have you.

Best of luck with it FoMN, coming out is something I wish wasn't necessary but still is for now. I almost never had a good segue into the conversation too.

[TerraPrime]

 I almost never had a good segue into the conversation too.

You mean "Oh this babaganoush is delicious! I would love the recipe if you don't mind sharing. I am a lesbian. You can email or Facebook me the recipe later?" doesn't work? ;-P

[karaddin]

You mean "Oh this babaganoush is delicious! I would love the recipe if you don't mind sharing. I am a lesbian. You can email or Facebook me the recipe later?" doesn't work? ;-P

Well maybe I could get away with just the lesbian part, but "Would you like another drink? I'll get faster service soon because I'm actually a woman. And a lesbian. You'll have an espresso martini?" never seemed to fly.

[protar]

Well I didn't so much come out as much as they figured it out. We were having a few drinks, and I was dared to put on my halloween dress again to get out of doing a shot of tequila. I admitted I was having quite a bit of fun with the dress which segued into:

"If you like wearing women's clothes does that make you...I want to use the right word - Transgender?"

[Robin Of House Hill]

Well I didn't so much come out as much as they figured it out. We were having a few drinks, and I was dared to put on my halloween dress again to get out of doing a shot of tequila. I admitted I was having quite a bit of fun with the dress which segued into:

"If you like wearing women's clothes does that make you...I want to use the right word - Transgender?"

"I want to use the right word", precious.  It reminds me of when I attempted to transition at work, in 1976.  I walked into the company president's office and indicated I wanted to discuss a personal matter, because there was going to be a major change in my life.  After 20 minutes of my attempting to spit out the words, he said this.  "Are we going to have order new business cards for you?"

[First of My Name]

First of My Name:

The right time and place will present itself, I am sure.  :-)

One day

Best of luck with it FoMN, coming out is something I wish wasn't necessary but still is for now. I almost never had a good segue into the conversation too.

Thank you. I'm in a better position than many others, at least.