Jump to content

LGBTQI - We're here, we're...you know the rest of it


karaddin

Recommended Posts

Well I didn't so much come out as much as they figured it out. We were having a few drinks, and I was dared to put on my halloween dress again to get out of doing a shot of tequila. I admitted I was having quite a bit of fun with the dress which segued into:

"If you like wearing women's clothes does that make you...I want to use the right word - Transgender?"

So British. I love it. Honestly I think you've gotta delve right down into the UKIP cesspools to find someone who's really against [insert group here]. Or certain members of older generations. But I'm so glad you're happy and supported. What about your family, if you don't mind me asking?

I feel, honestly, a bit like a fraud. Is it because I've never been in a relationship with a woman? I don't know. I find myself wishing I'd explored my sexuality more when I was single. I love my partner and we're, as far as I know, in it for the long-term, but I can't help wondering, what if I'd realised how I felt earlier? 

I haven't really come out to anyone, except my SO, who shrugged and said it was good to put a name to it. And I did post something on Facebook, but it didn't feel like a big deal. Is it supposed to feel bigger? I just, I went from identifying as heterosexual to thinking, hold on a minute, no I'm not, I haven't been for at least a decade. It felt like a huge thing, to finally identify what I am. A huge sigh of relief. I'm not just weird, I have a place, here I am. Does this sound stupid?

Though I am relieved that nobody really cares. I like that, in my world anyway, a woman being into both men and women (and being trans, and gay, and so on) is simply something that happens. No big deal. I wish it was like that everywhere. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Drac - I don't think either of those feelings are unusual and aren't anything I think you should feel bad about feeling.  I don't know that I can explain the relief, but it's certainly something I've shared. I have a real need for my sexuality to be visible and it was something that really bothered me before transition when I knew I wasn't straight but was mostly just into women and couldn't make sense of it.  These days I'm obviously queer when I'm with Brook, but I do worry I don't have any tells when I'm not and people will assume I'm straight and that really bothers me too. Regardless of that, realising I wasn't straight and telling someone, just one person at this point, snapped me out of the longest period of deep depression I've had in my life, over a year after the end of school.

I also think the feeling like a fraud is unfortunately common because our society is still really shitty to bi/pan/polysexual people. Even having been with someone never actually proves it because whoever you are with is either just a phase or your real sexuality. Amazingly for most of society this tends to mean you are really straight if you are a girl and really gay if you are a guy, because everyone is really into guys - everything has to flatter the male ego. Bi-erasure is super shitty so try not to feel like you need to prove anything, how you feel is all the proof that's needed.  I don't blame you for wishing you'd explored for yourself though, I don't even think that's unhealthy - varied experiences are valuable and I hate that people are pushed into missing out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Drac - I don't think either of those feelings are unusual and aren't anything I think you should feel bad about feeling.  I don't know that I can explain the relief, but it's certainly something I've shared. I have a real need for my sexuality to be visible and it was something that really bothered me before transition when I knew I wasn't straight but was mostly just into women and couldn't make sense of it.  These days I'm obviously queer when I'm with Brook, but I do worry I don't have any tells when I'm not and people will assume I'm straight and that really bothers me too. Regardless of that, realising I wasn't straight and telling someone, just one person at this point, snapped me out of the longest period of deep depression I've had in my life, over a year after the end of school.

I also think the feeling like a fraud is unfortunately common because our society is still really shitty to bi/pan/polysexual people. Even having been with someone never actually proves it because whoever you are with is either just a phase or your real sexuality. Amazingly for most of society this tends to mean you are really straight if you are a girl and really gay if you are a guy, because everyone is really into guys - everything has to flatter the male ego. Bi-erasure is super shitty so try not to feel like you need to prove anything, how you feel is all the proof that's needed.  I don't blame you for wishing you'd explored for yourself though, I don't even think that's unhealthy - varied experiences are valuable and I hate that people are pushed into missing out.

Thanks for your response. I was worried that I'd blurted out something really stupid and irritating.

What you said about having tells is really interesting. Because of course you (as in all people) want to be seen for who you are. It never bothered me before, because (with a few exceptions) people probably thought I was straight, and I thought I was straight, and so all was well. I didn't care if people assumed I was a lesbian either, though that was usually used as an insult more than anything else. But now I know I'm not straight, I kinda want people to see it. It's like having an awesome tattoo on your bum. It feels like it's not okay to have my bum hanging out everywhere I go, and I'm not doing it for attention, I just want people to notice my tattoo, because it's new for me and it makes me feel different, in a good way. The same goes for my sexuality. But that's weird, right? (The analogy is definitely weird.) I just feel like I was so fucking stupid for not realising for so many years, that I just want to shout about it now. Look at me, I finally woke up to myself! What an idiot! 

(I'm not filtering here, literally typing as I think, which I find therapeutic. I hope you guys don't mind.)

I remember when I was about 13, I had a huge crush on a girl a year or so above me at school. I told a friend, who then told everyone and their dog, and it went around that I was bisexual. I was horrified. I didn't fully understand it, but everyone was laughing at me, so being bisexual was definitely A Bad Thing To Be, and I wanted no part of it. My family was never particularly against a person being gay, but it just wasn't the thing to do. I was born a girl, I lived as a girl, girls like boys, the end. And so that's what I fell into. I actually used to play up to the whole "I'm a girl but not like other girls, I'm cool because I totally don't mind you [boyfriend at the time] checking that girl out because she's hot, I can say that she's attractive but I'm not attracted TO her." What the hell even is that? That lasted past my teenage years, and became so ingrained that I never really thought about it, until this year. 

And to think, I always thought I was so self-aware and smart. :rolleyes:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey, at least you didn't manage to think you were a guy for 28 years :P its all incredibly obvious to me in hindsight, but the brain actually just blocks you from the realization. It doesn't matter how much evidence and how obvious it is, it's a different part of the brain and it just doesn't work in a logical way.

As for teen experiences, I remember being told the girl I crushed on (which was a lot more complicated than that, she was actually my model for how I wanted to be a girl) was bisexual. I asked her about it one day and she just owned it and asked "so what?" and it was the perfect answer from the perfect person to jolt me out of the country town mindset. Not that I was hostile, but I still saw it as other.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey, at least you didn't manage to think you were a guy for 28 years :P its all incredibly obvious to me in hindsight, but the brain actually just blocks you from the realization. It doesn't matter how much evidence and how obvious it is, it's a different part of the brain and it just doesn't work in a logical way.

As for teen experiences, I remember being told the girl I crushed on (which was a lot more complicated than that, she was actually my model for how I wanted to be a girl) was bisexual. I asked her about it one day and she just owned it and asked "so what?" and it was the perfect answer from the perfect person to jolt me out of the country town mindset. Not that I was hostile, but I still saw it as other.

That is brilliant. What an amazing girl. And when you put it like that, I don't feel quite as silly. Because life is a learning curve. I might be late to the party, but I got here. And it's all good. 

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not making a mountain out of this. Thank you all. Having this thread to come to has been a huge help. I read all the stories shared here, and I reckon I've had a fairly easy ride in comparison to some, but it's still been confusing, and a little bit scary. 

And I know the posts got eaten by the board, but I remember the cookies and kind words, and I cherish them. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:-)

Everyone's a little different in their path to coming to terms to their full sexuality. For some, their sexuality changes and shifts over time. It is not necessarily the case that you were this and just didn't realize it, though it's very possible, but that you weren't this at all and slowly became this as your life progresses. So that's a possibility, too. I think for some people, their sexuality is very set and concrete and they get to find out what it is. For others, their sexuality is more like an ongoing sculpting process where you generate your identity as you discover more and more of it and your discovery in turn inform you on how you approach your sexuality.

 I think the important part isn't how soon or how late you come to grips with your sexuality, but rather, that you're being mindful of your sexuality and developing and discovering it to make your own life fulfilling and joyful. Whether you are *truly* bisexual, whatever that means, or not, is less important than the fact that you're exploring the idea of being sexually attracted to women. IMO, of course.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is brilliant. What an amazing girl. And when you put it like that, I don't feel quite as silly. Because life is a learning curve. I might be late to the party, but I got here. And it's all good. 

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not making a mountain out of this. Thank you all. Having this thread to come to has been a huge help. I read all the stories shared here, and I reckon I've had a fairly easy ride in comparison to some, but it's still been confusing, and a little bit scary. 

And I know the posts got eaten by the board, but I remember the cookies and kind words, and I cherish them. 

There is nothing silly or trivial about figuring yourself out and I'd never belittle anyone working through that process.  As far as I'm concerned it's the task of a lifetime, and the meaning of my own life.  I'm terrible at doing it on my own though, I seem to need to learn about myself through connection with other people, and although I had been thinking it was only a more recent thing but I have the example that proves that a lie already here in this thread.  

High School Crush (HSC) is indeed an amazing girl, and it's both scary and impressive just how large an impact she had on me, I spent more than 10 years seeking that openness she showed in the partners I sought and only figured out that what I really wanted was to be that way myself, rather than the tightly controlled and restrained way I was, after my divorce.  Memories of her influence my sense of fashion etc too.  Being an unaware trans woman leads to a complicated and confusing teenhood :P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So British. I love it. Honestly I think you've gotta delve right down into the UKIP cesspools to find someone who's really against [insert group here]. Or certain members of older generations. But I'm so glad you're happy and supported. What about your family, if you don't mind me asking?

Eh, haven't even tackled bisexuality with them, which I've decided I probably won't until I bring home a boyfriend. No point making a fuss out of it, when it's relevant I guess I'll tell them. Surprised word hasn't gotten round to my sister at least given how many of my friends I've told now, but apparently not. 

As for the trans* stuff, I guess I'll take the same approach. When it's relevant I'll tell them. Or I could just start taking hormones without telling them, see how long before they notice. Just for the bants you know. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Eh, haven't even tackled bisexuality with them, which I've decided I probably won't until I bring home a boyfriend. No point making a fuss out of it, when it's relevant I guess I'll tell them. Surprised word hasn't gotten round to my sister at least given how many of my friends I've told now, but apparently not. 

As for the trans* stuff, I guess I'll take the same approach. When it's relevant I'll tell them. Or I could just start taking hormones without telling them, see how long before they notice. Just for the bants you know. 

Bants? University life has had a shocking effect on you. :P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Drac I'm going to echo kara here and say that in my experience that nagging feeling of being a fraud and not 'really' bi is super common and not even especially related to actual experience or history. Even today I occasionally have to stomp on that although nowadays it tends to run the other way (am I kidding myself that I'm actually attracted to men? Am I just in denial? *Watch Tom Hiddleston dance* nope definitely bi :p)

Also I've mentioned before my teenage self managed to convince myself I was straight despite the fact that I was sometimes sleeping with girls and hopelessly in love with my best friend at the time so you certainly aren't alone in missing something tha maybe should have been obvious ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bants? University life has had a shocking effect on you. :P

Ugh tell me about it. I've gone northern and I'm quite mardy about it. 

Seriously though when does using bants ironically become unironic? I think that's one of the great philosophical questions of our day. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am unsurprised by this result:

A Philadelphia jury Friday found Kathryn Knott guilty of four misdemeanor counts but acquitted her of a more serious charges of aggravated assault in an attack on a gay couple in Center City last year.

Her compatriots already received sweetheart plea deals, so I guess I can't expect her to do any worse than they.

Don't tell me that because the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage that the fight is over. :angry2:

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am unsurprised by this result:

Her compatriots already received sweetheart plea deals, so I guess I can't expect her to do any worse than they.

Don't tell me that because the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage that the fight is over. :angry2:

 

What's the problem? Seems like the right result, based on the facts presented. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

I'm seeing the word "transwoman" (as opposed to trans woman) being used more and more frequently. Am I the only one who finds this objectionable?

No.  If relevant I'd expect to see "trans woman".  If not I'd expect to see "woman".  Just look at "transman".  Not a word.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...