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Dating: Not just for mating


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Thanks, Lily!  My high school buddy won't be in Spokane; he's in Seattle.  That's where our date is.  But he's an awesome human being, so I am not worried about him.  I may have someone in Spokane that you need to vet.  I tend to collect extremely disturbed, lonely people who try to hold my hand and stuff.  I cannot explain this.  So thank you for the help.  It's appreciated.

 

Okay, wild and wooly thread friends - I have a question for you.  I have asked the lovely Kay Fury for her opinion, and I also want yours.

 

I've been talking to a very nice man on Match.  Out of the blue, he asked me a question about my hair, is it long or short?  I have pics of both on my profile.  I told him it was long.  Which it is.  He said that was good, because he prefers women with long hair.   But the question, out of the blue, when we're talking about other things, just struck me as kind of rude.  And most of you know that I had a double mastectomy 5 years ago.  If my hair is a deal breaker, what is he going to say about a woman who looks like she got attacked by a shark?  The whole thing just put me off.  I haven't responded back at all.  I don't know what to say back to him.  He's going on chatting about stuff and I'm just turned off totally.  I want to ask him what he thinks of women who have had to have their boobs cut off.  Does he prefer that?  And then tell him to go screw himself.  I know that I might be overreacting, though.

 

I frankly don't care to go out with someone who is this superficial.  I'm not in the market for a hook up.  I would like to find a romantic partner who is kind, funny, and values the same things I do. 

 

I know I'm operating from a different place than most people.  Getting amputations after a cancer diagnosis will do that to a person.   Am I reading too much into this?

 

I don't know...everybody has preferences.  I think he was just curious over which was current.  I know I would have been, though I doubt I would have asked.  He didn't need to then state that he preferred long hair, but if you had said short, he likely wouldn't have said anything.  Maybe he was just trying to pay you a complement and would have said the same if you had short hair.  I don't think he was implying that he wouldn't have been up for the date if your hair was shorter.  Personally, I prefer long hair, but I've dated women with short hair.  Everybody has preferences...or most people do anyway. 

 

Think about it this way.  What if he had photos up of himself.  One photo he is clean shaven.  The other photo he has a full fledged beard.  Some women love beards, some women hate beards.  Some don't care.  Many women would be curious if the beard was current or if he'd shaved it off.  I don't think asking if he is still sporting the beard is really a bad thing.  And if he said yes and you say, "good, I like beards", I don't think that would in any way be implying that you wouldn't date him if he didn't have a beard. It doesn't mean you're superficial.  

 

I don't think the question and the response(no matter how poorly worded) indicates he is superficial.  The only way you'll know if he's superficial is if you find out for yourself. 

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You're not damaged good, ES. You've gone through hell and come out stronger for it. If a person can't appreciate your scars for the marks of utter badassery that they are then they've got the problem, not you. :grouphug:

 

Also I would totally wear a Team Cougar t-shirt. Might earn me some weird looks, but no weirder than my World's Best Grandma t-shirt already gets me I suppose.

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:rofl:

 

PM me your sizes and whether or not you want a ladies or men's or standard.  

 

Edit:  Back on topic, too much girl is still being too much.  Is there a polite way to tell someone to SLOW DOWN?  She's making me all panicky.

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 I had a gf once who didn't enjoy sex.  I couldn't do anything to please her.  She finally told me one day that she had never touched herself.  I was like "if you don't even know how to please yourself, how do you expect me to please you?".  I tried to encourage her to explore herself, and she claims she did, but I think her upbringing(very religious household) is ingrained too deeply. That was many years ago.  I hope that she was able to finally find herself(pun intended). 
   


It's also possible that she had a low sex drive or was asexual.
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Yeah, I wish every woman out there knew, simply, that men do not always have to cum. It isn't an obligation, and it's okay if it doesn't happen. A boner does not imply a need to orgasm. It is not a personal failing if you can't get them to cum. 

 

Similarly, folks with guys with boners: a guy having a boner doesn't mean they should make you guilty if you don't make them cum. 

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Some of the best sex I ever had was with my very last Japanese bf, which was cheerfully clumsy and inept and involved slipping out and falling off the bed (ikisugiru!) and hotel showers that couldn't maintain a constant temperature and hilarious 70s-style circular beds with mirrors above... I say best SEX, not best orgasms; I can't actually remember if I managed even one of them (I find it quite difficult), we were just having enormous fun.

And I also remember an Irish guy who I didn't really fancy at all, but felt obliged to fuck cos I'd flown out to Dublin to see him, and there were orgasms and I hated every second of it.

So yeah. It may be the crucial aspect for some people, but I find the number/quality of orgasms a pretty poor metric for judging the success of any encounter, and the pressure to come or cause disappointment is a large part of why faking happens imo. Which I've done. And I'm not proud. But sometimes it's just too much effort not to.
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Or that religion had screwed with her.

Just because you don't touch yourself there indicates absolutely nothing. Certainly nothing about sex drive.

I can't get pleasure in that way, personally, because for me, the hang up is that...It just isn't exciting. I've tried, and frankly it does absolutely nothing for me.

Even using...equipment...on myself does nothing for me. But, if it's someone else's hand on that same vibrating piece of silicone - total enjoyment.

Hence, I requires partner for sexytimes, and that's probably why I get miffed when ones whom I enjoy decide to exit stage left.

When I said don't touch themselves, I didn't just mean don't masturbate, but literally don't touch themselves at all. Not when washing, nothing. That's some major internalised body shame and it's really upsetting that it happens.
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I've just consulted with a lawyer. It only took a google search to find the address. Turns out legal advice and information is free. Divorce however will be complicated and costly but now at least I know what to expect and what choices I have.

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Or that religion had screwed with her.

Just because you don't touch yourself there indicates absolutely nothing. Certainly nothing about sex drive.

I can't get pleasure in that way, personally, because for me, the hang up is that...It just isn't exciting. I've tried, and frankly it does absolutely nothing for me.

Even using...equipment...on myself does nothing for me. But, if it's someone else's hand on that same vibrating piece of silicone - total enjoyment.

Hence, I requires partner for sexytimes, and that's probably why I get miffed when ones whom I enjoy decide to exit stage left.

 

Very very possible.  Religion can mentally fvck with a person's head.  

 

I do find it hard though to imagine a person not touching themselves if they have a sex drive.  At least not attempting it.  I can't imagine any guy doing that anyway....maybe it's because we have physical buildup and we experience serious problems if we don't release it..??  

 

Regarding the 2nd bolded part... That is why somebody invented "the stranger".  Sit on your hand until it falls asleep, then proceed to take care of business!  I can't imagine it would really work though.  If you can't feel your hand, I can't imagine you could really control it very well :)

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Vegan was sick. She took the wrong kind of allergy meds or something, said she couldn't sit still or she'd get wobbly and nauseous. So instead of dinner at a nice restaurant we walked around the neighborhood for an hour and a half. It was a nice enough time.
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