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Dating: Matchmakers, dealbreakers and affairs, oh my!


MinDonner

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Thank you for the concern about my legal culpability to those that expressed said concern. My danger is tightly hugging nil for a plethora of reasons, not the least of which is that we still care about and respect each other very much even though we don't interact much anymore.

I was only seeking opinions, and bringing forth a circumstance that others reading may face.
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So Mr. University has gone MIA since I told him I had breast cancer five years ago. We had been messaging for about a month.

I suppose it's a good way of filtering out the asses.

 it's sad that there is a need to filter out the asses.  clearly, if he got filtered, he wasn't smart enough to see the phenomenal person in front of him.  And he probably had spiders in his hair, so he did you a favor.

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BlauerDragon:

 

I live in a small town, too. Population 10k, unless you count the students living here 9  months out of 12. The socializing venues to meet new people are indeed slim. Here are some ideas:

 

1. Try www.meetup.com   It's not a dating site, but a social activities site. These are meetings centering around an activity, be it star gazing, sampling beers, board games, or others. Find a meetup group within your driveable range and start going. This means it's not bar, and you can still meet people. 

 

2. Try volunteering at non-profit and charity groups, like habitat for humanity or the local food pantry, etc. You'll get to meet and interact people but they're much less likely to be meth heads on their way to re-offend. 

 

3. Be prepared to make the effort to travel to a nearby city for social activities. There's a good sized city about 45 min away from where I am at, and the big cities are 2 to 3 hours away. I've driven to events at these places. 

 

As for dating sites, some people have had decent luck with OKC. Ini had a good post on what makes a good profile, and maybe he has it saved and can re-post? But you will have to expect some percentage of flakes and fakes and some percentage of false matches. That's just how dating goes. Others can speak of their experience at paid sites like eHarmony. 

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So Mr. University has gone MIA since I told him I had breast cancer five years ago. We had been messaging for about a month.

I suppose it's a good way of filtering out the asses.

 

That sucks. :( But at least you can cross him off the list and move on. Have no fear there is a demon fighter out there for you. :)

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BlauerDragon:

 

I live in a small town, too. Population 10k, unless you count the students living here 9  months out of 12. The socializing venues to meet new people are indeed slim. Here are some ideas:

 

1. Try www.meetup.com   It's not a dating site, but a social activities site. These are meetings centering around an activity, be it star gazing, sampling beers, board games, or others. Find a meetup group within your driveable range and start going. This means it's not bar, and you can still meet people. 

 

2. Try volunteering at non-profit and charity groups, like habitat for humanity or the local food pantry, etc. You'll get to meet and interact people but they're much less likely to be meth heads on their way to re-offend. 

 

3. Be prepared to make the effort to travel to a nearby city for social activities. There's a good sized city about 45 min away from where I am at, and the big cities are 2 to 3 hours away. I've driven to events at these places. 

 

As for dating sites, some people have had decent luck with OKC. Ini had a good post on what makes a good profile, and maybe he has it saved and can re-post? But you will have to expect some percentage of flakes and fakes and some percentage of false matches. That's just how dating goes. Others can speak of their experience at paid sites like eHarmony. 

 

1 and 2 are good suggestions and 3 is a fact of life. There is another city about this size 20 minutes away, anything else of any size is about 2-3 hours... but there is a decent selection in that range. Mountain resort town, El Paso, Tx., Lubbock, Tx., Roswell, NM. ...So accepting the fact that I'll be traveling whenever I do anything is probably healthy.

 

I'd really like to see that post that Ini had though. If not a re-posting, perhaps a link or a PM?

eHarmony seemed to think that I was a perfect match with cultists, lonely-spinster cat-ladies, furries, ultra-religious prudes, ravers, and homeless drifters... Perhaps I was a bit too honest on their questionnaire. I'm not sure.

 

I normally believe that if you have problems in one state you will simply drag them to another place if you move there, BUT it sounds like if anybody would benefit from moving somewhere else it's you. Seriously, the place you live doesnt sound healthy.

 

Normally, I would agree. I moved away from this place when I turned 18 for a reason. Now, I am returned to it for a reason... my Parents. They're getting older, their health is failing, and my Mother was living alone in some very unsavory conditions that I just could not let continue (tiny trailer, broken steps, holes in the wall, holes in the ceiling, holes in the floor, mold, no A/C, rough neighborhood, empty fridge). Now I am here, I have entered a new career path, I have entered a contract on a home that will eventually lead to purchasing it, and I've moved my Mother in with me... I'm going to be here for a while, me thinks. Try as I may, try as I might, I am not actually as much of a self-centered jerk as I probably should be. Certainly not as much as I would like to be. Since I am going to be here, I might as well try and make the best of it. On the upside, the 4 month periods of time when I am on nightshift have rekindled my desire to write... Something about being up all night on your day off with absolutely no options for anything to do that just gets the creative juices flowing.

I might end up with nightmares about having spiders in my hair now though.

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 it's sad that there is a need to filter out the asses.  clearly, if he got filtered, he wasn't smart enough to see the phenomenal person in front of him.  And he probably had spiders in his hair, so he did you a favor.

Agreed.   

 

Elder Sister, good riddance to spiderman.

 

boiled leather, nice to see you around.  Say hello to the Red Woman for me.

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boiled leather, you know I love you and The Red Woman. <3

Yeah, I wasn't even sad about University Dude's disappearance. It sort of confirmed some things for me, and I had been suspicious that I was just being too judgmental. Yay, me! I was not. :D

So far today, I have gotten offers of marriage and foot massages from internet strangers on OKC. I turned down both. I have also met a charming 30 year old and have told him that he's too young for me and to go find a younger woman with more energy, but we're having fun talking. He has excellent taste in Hitchcock movies and is a huge AD fan, so he's obviously brilliant. And I can always use another friend. But I don't think I want a 30 year old boyfriend.

Meanwhile, dude that I really like texts me sporadically and still has a girlfriend. So I'm just leaving that alone.

It's never boring, anyway.
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Bauer - you seem to be talking about beautiful ladies a lot. Are you aiming for a level of attractiveness similar to your own? There have been studies done on this, and people tend to date similar levels of attractiveness.

Yeah - I didn't want to be mean, but...guys who expect to date really attractive women should best make sure they take extremely good care of themselves. I hate it when guys who obviously don't look after themselves and lack decent hygiene get angry when "shallow" hot girls don't want to date them. I'm not assuming any of this about any posters im this thread I'm just saying...
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Couple of my friends are trying to set me up with another of their friends. I'd met her once or twice and she seemed a decent sort, so I said sure. And so we're all getting together next weekend along with a couple other friends so that there's a relaxed atmosphere for us to get to know each other better. 

 

Problem is, turns out they haven't actually told her that's what's happening. Far as she knows, its just a regular get-together with two of her friends and some other people she doesn't know. Which, it is, but it also has this underlying motive.

 

So I'm not quite sure what to do. I would've rather if my friends had told it to her straight and if she said okay, we'd go on a double date or something, or even still done this. But apparently they don't want to officially be matchmakers or something. And I have no way of getting in touch with her myself.

 

I guess I'll act the way I would at this event if I hadn't known some people were trying to set me up, and if I so happen to hit it off with this single person I'll ask if she wants to grab a drink sometime or something. The whole thing feels a bit underhanded to me though. 

 

I dunno, what do ya'll think?

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I dunno, what do ya'll think?

 

I would express your sense of unease to your friends and ask them to come clean to this woman before things happen. Friends setting up dates for friends is fairly common, and some subtlefuge is even expected. But if you're uneasy in a situation where you're aware what's going while she is not, then you should speak up. If your friends are worth anything, they'll respect your communication and either re-do the set-up properly or tell her and let her decide. 

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Chataya,

 

Yeah, I might be. I just don't like subterfuge though, even the fairly benign kind. But no, its not a secret double date, its my understanding that will be 6 or 7 of us total. And on the plus side, the other 2 or 3 people have no idea what's going on either, so at least its not an all-against-one conspiracy.

 

It is just a normal hangout, except it was conveyed for this reason and if it hadn't been she probably wouldn't have been invited (since she's not a regular part of this social circle) and there would've been around 12 people there (my friends invited fewer so there'd be more opportunities for us to talk).

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My bf's mom messages me on facebook sometimes. She's a sweetheart but sometimes--yeesh! Today she was asking if there are any "commitments" she should know about between me and my bf. Uh, no, we are not secretly engaged, and if we WERE secretly engaged, why would I tell her?! Then she went on a long ramble about how she knows my bf can be difficult but he's wonderful and she thinks I'd be a perfect daughter-in-law but she doesn't know what he is thinking long term. And then about him being difficult again. I mean, she's not wrong...but still, it was weird! We are content with our arrangement (longterm commitment sans marriage), so thanks but no thanks!

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Chataya,

 

Yeah, I might be. I just don't like subterfuge though, even the fairly benign kind. But no, its not a secret double date, its my understanding that will be 6 or 7 of us total. And on the plus side, the other 2 or 3 people have no idea what's going on either, so at least its not an all-against-one conspiracy.

 

It is just a normal hangout, except it was conveyed for this reason and if it hadn't been she probably wouldn't have been invited (since she's not a regular part of this social circle) and there would've been around 12 people there (my friends invited fewer so there'd be more opportunities for us to talk).

Fez,

Don't worry about it.  Your concern about subterfuge is admirable, but don't worry about it.  I am a fairly meddlesome old woman and I would have done the same thing your friends did.  I just wouldn't have told you I was doing it.  Have a good time and enjoy the company.  

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