Dating: Matchmakers, dealbreakers and affairs, oh my!

[SpaceChampion]

According to that "love languages" thing, there are 5 options.  Try them all!
 

[Pro Augustis]

How did you feel when you were with her?

I enjoyed hanging out with her and then in the tail end of the date, once I realized that we'd been together for some time and she didn't seem eager to end the thing as soon as possible, I started to wonder/worry about all this. 

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

I enjoyed hanging out with her and then in the tail end of the date, once I realized that we'd been together for some time and she didn't seem eager to end the thing as soon as possible, I started to wonder/worry about all this. 

Is she comfortable in her own skin and does she make you feel that way? So enjoyed yourself and she didn't seem eager to end things early what are you worrying about? Even I wouldn't worry about that.  She enjoyed your company enough to want to make the evening last. 

[TerraPrime]

Great! Only, I can't entirely tell if I'm attracted to her. She is certainly fine looking, but it wasn’t like “wow,” you know

...

So perhaps this is just what first dates feel like when they go well—or maybe we just won't work romantically. As is probably obvious after all this rambling, I am unsure if I've got a problem or if I just think I do because I'm so used to things going poorly, romantically-speaking. 

First  - is that a reason for your ambivalence on the first date? Because everything else sounds fantastic. I am guessing that you're just being reserved here, and what you're feeling is a lack of sexual chemistry with that person.

I think it's okay to meet people whom you are intellectually or emotionally compatible, but not sexually compatible. We call those "friends." You might have found a friend, instead of a girlfriend/date.

But then again, for many people, sexual interests develop after they get to know the other person. So just because you're not feeling it right now it doesn't mean you won't, given some time.

In the end, though, I am just not sure what "it wasn't like 'wow,' you know" means. Really, few of us are in that category. Even glamorous movie stars need time and preparation to be that wow. Unless there are plenty of women whom you find "wow," meaning your wow-threshold is pretty low, then I might suggest you reconsider that factor is in your pursuit of romance. You may decide that that's really important, and that's cool if you do. But it's probably something you should figure out.

[Bonesy]

Good gravy. Just smile when they speak to you.

Don't laugh at jokes you don't find funny, but ask them to explain.

Lightly touch their arm (if standing) or knee (if seated) while they're speaking.

Remember they are probably as clueless as you think you are.

These are basic suggestions, but above all else be yourself. No relationship should be founded on fiction.

[Pro Augustis]

Thanks for your responses, both of you. 

 

First  - is that a reason for your ambivalence on the first date? Because everything else sounds fantastic. I am guessing that you're just being reserved here, and what you're feeling is a lack of sexual chemistry with that person.

I think it's okay to meet people whom you are intellectually or emotionally compatible, but not sexually compatible. We call those "friends." You might have found a friend, instead of a girlfriend/date.

But then again, for many people, sexual interests develop after they get to know the other person. So just because you're not feeling it right now it doesn't mean you won't, given some time.

In the end, though, I am just not sure what "it wasn't like 'wow,' you know" means. Really, few of us are in that category. Even glamorous movie stars need time and preparation to be that wow. Unless there are plenty of women whom you find "wow," meaning your wow-threshold is pretty low, then I might suggest you reconsider that factor is in your pursuit of romance. You may decide that that's really important, and that's cool if you do. But it's probably something you should figure out.

You are right that what I am thinking of with the (now that I reread it, rather vague) "wow" part is much more a question of sexual chemistry than attractiveness. And it is indeed true that, in the past, that has mostly come after knowing someone for a while, at least for me.

So I think I'll do my best to stop psyching myself out on this, see her again, and see how it goes. 

[Prosesskrift]

I too have no idea how to flirt. I remember being great at it when I met my wife, but that was years ago and, to be honest, if I do pick apart the memories of that time I probably was terrible at it. Thankfully she knew what she wanted.

I was on a date this week end and I genuinely had fun. A very smart interesting and quite stunning lawyer. She's also quite a bit younger than me and when she asked me out I was honestly worried she was just trying to be nice. So, in combination with all my other current issues, I was a little defensive at first. Still, it didn't take long for me to relax and I think I'm excited about our second date. 

I am terrified of subconsciousyl looking for a substitute, but I can't isolate myself out of fear. I have read Dune after all. So I'll just have to see how it goes.

 

 

 

 

[TerraPrime]

Pross:

Glad the first date went well. Far as age goes, a few years is really not a big issue for people who are above 30s imo. Compatibility and comparable life goals are much less dependent on age as we get older and those are way more important in determining a good match. 

Hope it continues to work out, whichever way it goes. 

[Arkhangel]

Good gravy. Just smile when they speak to you.

 

Don't laugh at jokes you don't find funny, but ask them to explain.

 

Lightly touch their arm (if standing) or knee (if seated) while they're speaking.

 

Remember they are probably as clueless as you think you are.

 

These are basic suggestions, but above all else be yourself. No relationship should be founded on fiction.

Hmm, maybe. Depends how well you know them and what your relationship is like. I recently went on a couple of dates with a guy who I just met randomly in a bookshop, and he kept touching me incessantly for no reason and I really was not a fan. It was like dude, we've only just met, I don't mind a bit of contact but there's no need to be touching me every 90 seconds.

[Aniel]

I've been told that the way I act around guys I'm friends with can be construed as flirting. Which is basically laughing, joking, being playful and stuff. So that's great. When I actually like someone I'm usually very shy (unless we're talking online, there it's the same stuff with maybe a couple of lewd jokes thrown in).

As for the whole touching thing, I bet a lot of people use it because they heard that it establishes some connection or other. I don't even remember what those flirting tips say about it. I however, hate being touched. I tolerate shaking hands with strangers and hugging relatives when they come over/leave, but I hate any other form of touching. At school all the girls would hug when they said hi and I'd just be like "nope!". Once I actually did hug the person and got a boney shoulder in my throat

The only exception to the whole touching thing is my SO, whom I'll gladly cuddle and hold hands with and everything.

Also, don't touch my hair. Ever. Two kinds of people get to touch it: hair dressers and grandmothers (and only barely).

[Sullen]

So yeah, I've been on a series of dates with this Jewish girl for the past month, it's all going very well and I really fancy her.

Something dawned on me recently though, she's going to have to meet my family at some point, especially considering I'm living with my older sister, and, to put it lightly, my family is somewhat casually antisemite, especially my sister, who goes on a rant every time ultra-Orthodox Jews or Israel are mentioned. 

I'd like for the relationship to become serious, but I see this as being a serious potential problem. Any clues as to what I should do in such a situation?

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

So yeah, I've been on a series of dates with this Jewish girl for the past month, it's all going very well and I really fancy her.

Something dawned on me recently though, she's going to have to meet my family at some point, especially considering I'm living with my older sister, and, to put it lightly, my family is somewhat casually antisemite, especially my sister, who goes on a rant every time ultra-Orthodox Jews or Israel are mentioned. 

I'd like for the relationship to become serious, but I see this as being a serious potential problem. Any clues as to what I should do in such a situation?

I had a similar concern with a young woman who was Turkish. Thankfully it didn't get to the point where she was going to have to meet my mother.  Does your family know you are seeing someone with the potential for it to become serious?

[LessThanLuke2]

Disown your family.

[Sullen]

My sisters know I'm seeing someone, they don't know she's Jewish though, the rest of the family does not.

A good deal of my mostly Muslim friend circle might potentially send some flak her way as well come to think of it. She's staunchly pro-Israel while they're pretty much uniformly pro-Palestine, militantly so. One of them having almost broken up with a 3-year girlfriend over her apathy in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

We did deem the Israel topic to be a touchy subject though, to be discussed later in time.

Disown your family.

I'm not going to do that, I love them, faults and all.

It's not like I'm not without my biases as well either.

[aceluby]

Just got back from a 5 day stay in Colorado meeting my girlfriend's family.  We had an amazing time together even though it was pretty stressful and didn't really get any time to do anything outside of family time.  We were able to tour a couple of breweries on Friday, so that was nice, but other than that we spent most of the rest of the time having our schedules dictated by her mother; most of that being in the nursing home.  Not exactly what I'd call a 'vacation', but despite all of that we still made the best of it, rolled with whatever came our way, and I think we somehow came to appreciate each others company even more by the end.

This Saturday we have a real vacation planned and will be traveling to Iceland together with some friends.  We're both really excited for it and after how easy this last one was, despite the stress of her family, we have absolutely no worries about this being anything less than spectacular.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

My sisters know I'm seeing someone, they don't know she's Jewish though, the rest of the family does not.

A good deal of my mostly Muslim friend circle might potentially send some flak her way as well come to think of it. She's staunchly pro-Israel while they're pretty much uniformly pro-Palestine, militantly so. One of them having almost broken up with a 3-year girlfriend over her apathy in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

We did deem the Israel topic to be a touchy subject though, to be discussed later in time.

I'm not going to do that, I love them, faults and all.

It's not like I'm not without my biases as well either.

Are your sisters really protective of you when women are concerned in general? My younger sister is the worst, it seems like whenever she thinks a woman is sniffing around she goes out of her way to sabotage things. If your friends and family have any respect for you they should put any bias they have aside for you. If they can't do that and you still want to give it a shot I'd be inclined to agree with Luke.

[Sullen]

Are your sisters really protective of you when women are concerned in general? My younger sister is the worst, it seems like whenever she thinks a woman is sniffing around she goes out of her way to sabotage things.

I know that feeling, except in my case it's not only my younger sister, it's all three of them. I love them, but whenever they met girls I was interested in/dating, it's smiles in front of them, daggers in their backs. They're downright rude, and backhanded compliments seem to be their specialties.

If your friends and family have any respect for you they should put any bias they have aside for you. If they can't do that and you still want to give it a shot I'd be inclined to agree with Luke.

I'll see how it goes, to be honest.

Maybe the girl won't mind the cold shoulders.

[LessThanLuke2]

Anti semitism is slightly more than a small fault imo.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

I know that feeling, except in my case it's not only my younger sister, it's all three of them. I love them, but whenever they met girls I was interested in/dating, it's smiles in front of them, daggers in their backs. They're downright rude, and backhanded compliments seem to be their specialties.

I'll see how it goes, to be honest.

Maybe the girl won't mind the cold shoulders.

My older sister used to be a problem too but she lives a thousand miles away so I no longer need to worry about her. And my younger sister lives four hours away by car so I guess that problem solved itself too. My sisters used to do both of the things you describe.  

[Sullen]

Well, my sisters lived in a Haredim neighbourhood for a while, and by all accounts they're extremely dismissive of goy women, to the point where they wouldn't stop their cars while they were crossing the streets, which resulted in my older sister getting hit once. Their disdain (which not misunderstand me, is not vitriolic) is definitively misguided, especially when aimed at secular Jews, but I wouldn't say it's entirely baseless. Knowing a Jew personally might help them cool off a bit.

My father is different, he won't outwardly say anything negative, but he'll joke about it, and in a way so will I. (I did make a joke I thought might be a bit too offensive once, but she took it very well and burst out laughing)

It's only when he gets angry that his genuine anti-semitism comes out, and that he'll start ranting and using racially charged insults at them. He's been active in Jewish communities long enough for him to be fluent in Yiddish too, so I don't think extra contact with them will change him.

EDIT: Also, I think I might have found a picture online of a cousin posing with the Nazi flag behind her. I'm not 100% sure it's her, but the image's poster fits her location, it looks exactly like her, and her side of the family is rather (extremely) conservative. I'm honestly too nervous to share my suspicions with my family, so I decided to drop the issue.