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Word by Word Story - Volume 45

First of My Name

By First of My Name,
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rocksniffer Council Member

rocksniffer

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Explosives were placed near pay toilets. Luckily, chickens laid eggs and didn’t use electronic devices, so the chickens couldn’t communicate with Stannis. Selyse ate every chicken she could find. Shockingly Stannis used the Force solely and impressively to preserve chastity. Littlefinger objected to objects being objectified by circus clowns, who made love to space monkeys. Inevitably a herd of walruses commenced in a battle royale. After a three-month-long struggle, the lone survivor was crowned and declared Emperor of Everything. Even though Stannis objected, Selyse bought a double-ended, neon green humongously large dildo to use instead of bubblegum to plug Tyrion’s leaky prostate. Shae wasn’t too pleased with the result of the blood tests on her baby. It turned out the father was Pate, the whipping boy. This inevitably led to shingles, acne, and elderly-onset baldness, which was confusing to all involved parties. Counterrevolutionaries misquoted legendary philosophers in order to cancel their subscriptions to Parade Magazine. Without warning, stormtroopers powerslide into third base at Wrigley Stadium. Sadly the Cubs aren’t as precise and strike out with incredibly sexy women. That is, until an odd-looking spaceship suddenly appeared iin the sky, firing doughnuts with sprinkles. Meanwhile Stannis sang Hooked on a Feeling in a duet with Selyse. They twerked and scared off respectable businessmen. Soon it became apparent that it had been a mistake to save money by using self-milking goats. Milk. Milk everywhere, causes dairy maids despair and governments to collapse from the weight of their collective milk moustaches. The milk transformed into methane while traveling deep into the stratosphere of Planetos, rendering vomit the only source of food served at every restaurant in existence. Discerning diners have decided to ban health inspectors from theor properties. Stannis understood the costs associated with smokeless tobacco products and resorted to selling his own brand of stimulant that he named Big Baratheon Chew. It became an instant hit among worshipers of Cthulhu and Tyrion’s newly formed baseball team. After years of preparation the crucial day arrived, on which the baseball team played against the Harlem Globetrotters blindfolded with condoms. Victory was their only option because Stannis swore that the loser would experience Melisandre’s wrath, and everyone knew that meant a flaming wedgie was about to explode. The game lasted several days because blindfolded players kept walking into walls and dying. Eventually Melisandre got bored and set the outfield on fire. She burned all the players at the stake, causing hardcore fans to throw up into their collectable coke cups featuring naked santa holding his naughty or nice list as Stannis did the Macarena in a lavender purple tutu. No one noticed because they were distracted by a naked Queen stumbling through the streets, even the septons had forgotten how to do the Macarena. As celibates, the septons weren’t experienced with anything, really. That’s why religioty make so many mistakes. This made Lancel confused as his guilty conscience impeded his sexual pleasure with Cersei. She left him for a horse, a clydesdale in fact. Sadly the Clydesdale left Cersei because someone ordered a case of Budwiser. Cersei’s reaction was to find a khalasar. To accomplish this, she took lessons in Dothraki. After months of hard study, her efforts paid off and she wedded Khal Drogo in a field of barbaric splendor. All of the great lords assembled to drink and curse the name of Busch. Meanwhile Stannis grinded his teeth while having sex with Spock and posting comments on his lust for Melisandre. Even the smallfolk were stunned by the amount of porn on his sigil, which was less than Mooseport had given his wife on his wedding day. Luckily the council felt this erotic display of heraldry needed lubing satisfactory for the coming of the king. When the king came, the queen was unsatisfied with his rancid flatulence so much so that she put him out in the snow. He kept himself warm by lighting scented candles. And the methane of flatulence raised the global temperature by methane increase as methane is a stronger greenhouse gas than co2. Once temperatures were high enough the snow melted and he realized he was standing in a huge pile of dragon dung flavored with spices made from the tears of riders without rectums. Though the riders did not have rectums, they managed to defecate through write-in ballots. This confused the ancient people of Uranus, who believed in the sanctity of cock fighting to solve constipation issues, but of course this merely got the cocks to smell like shit. Happily, eunuchs smelled of rainbows and butterflies. Meanwhile, Stannis decided to invade Antartica, and in doing so he woke the Yeti who challenged him to an arm-wrestling match. Stannis spent three hours a day practicing with his wife to conceive sons. Unfortunately it wasn’t very erotic when Stannis remembered his obligation to fry onions with Davos by moonlight. While frying onions, Stannis became high on the…

 

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