Mellow drama, unleash insane megalomaniac, v. 2

[TimJames]

Seeing the dilemma this created, Brienne decided to raise a fair alternative.

Brienne of Tarth: "Stannis, how about this: Mace gets to be King, but Gallant Garlan has to marry your daugther Shireen."

Mace: "You mean Willias?"

Willias Tyrell: "Actually, I wanna be a Maester. Someone needs to follow in TimJames's footsteps and continue the fledgling science of Necromancy."

Garlan: "I can work with that." 

Stannis: "But you're already married."

Showrunners: "Actually, we retconned that out!"

Stannis: "But that's not fair! I've waited my entire life to be King! I want to be King!"

Loras Tyrell: "I hear Queen Danerys is still unmarried. You could be King of Essos AND have a wife you don't hate."

 

[Count Balerion]

"And how am I supposed to get to Essos, with the ports all in the hands of Countists??" said Stannis. "I know everyone apart from me is stupid; but come *on*!"

"I've been practicing my necromancy and created a flying carpet!" said Willias. "Look! It'a got a dragon/stag design!"

"Cool!" said Stannis. "Selyse died and turned into a zombie in this version anyway (thus vastly improving her personality), not that I'd care much if she hadn't." Also, this got him out of burning Shireen, as the showrunners were always trying to make him do when the narrator wasn't looking. /The fairest woman in the world, for me./

***
Having been informed by Batfinger (who offcially was staying out ff all this), the Count's Cronies had Peole's Hand make a speech announcing the need to protect our Freedoms.

The People's Hand, Tyene Sand, was in a manner of speaking the Cronies' puppet; but neither she nor they quite viewed it that way. For in exchange for her shilling, all the badguys had to make love with her and listen to bad dialogue. "The things we do for power," commented Roose.

So anyway, Tyene made a partiotic speech about the need to resist the Tyrell threat to Andalosian values. "The -- BAD &&^^^^ -- menace to our -- BAD &&^^^^ -- way of life posed by the -- BAD (*&^^^^^&* -- Anti-Social Obnoxious Immoral Anarchist Freaks -- BAD *^%$%^&&*(((&*& -- MUST BE STOPPED -- BAD @@$%&^&^%%##$%%!!!!"

"BAD **&^^%^&**(()()&%$$###$%$#!!!!!" yelled the crowd, assuming this must be a slogan.

"We must protect our -- BAD )(*&&^^^^^^%%$$ -- freedoms!" she continued.

"What freedoms?" said Wylla. "You're stupid."

&&&*(*

Meanwhile, Mace is on the march. He's wildly popular, with everyone screaming themselves hoarse with enthusiasm and throwing confetti and date lilia manibus plenis and whatnot, and if you don't know what that means, who cares? Just join the party!

"MACE THE ACE!" they yelled.

"You're not giving them an /easy victory/, are you?" said the showrunners.

"We have to soften them up, so we can shock and awe them with the Krakocalypse later," explained the narrator.

"TEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!" said the showrunners, jumping up and down with glee.

*&^%&*(
"Broncos 21, Colts 7," said GRRM.

[Count Balerion]

"I must warn you," said Weyrde as they were hanging out in a cave where they were being kept by greyscale-zombies, "that the fact that we have been given power by the Lord of Light doesn't necessarily mean everything will be easy. We have powerful adversaries who are almost able, were it possible, to withstand R'hllor Himself. One is a being called Narratyr, who wants exciting things to happe to us. The other, far more malevolent, is Showrunnyr. I believe he wills our destruction, but wants to torment us first. He has the horrible power of making me behave in random ways that are completely out of character."

And suddenly she was seized by a greyscale zombie. "Help! I'm a damsel in distress and will be empowered! Save me!"

[Count Balerion]

"No I'm not," said Weyrde. "You're stupid." She immediately incinerated those greyscale-zombies that were carrying her off, except a few she converted to R'hllo-Sevenism and who turned good. "Now we have to find somewhere where the people are oppressed. Whenever people are oppressed, Dany will come along presently with her dragons and we can hitch a ride. Or else we could find somewhere that's about to be attacked by barbarians, and where Stannis might turn up on a magic carpet. Either way we'll get to Westeros in a season or two."

But what was the Count up to in the meantime? Is the world truly safe from that excrescence of evil?

[TimJames]

TimJames dusted himself off after fighting the greyscale zombies who wern't incinerated by Weyrde's fire (those ones became flaming zombies, which were much stronger). 

TimJames: "The Father and The Lord of Light being the same deity will have extreme theological consequences. It could potentally change the entire course of society as-"

Show Runners: "Boring!"

TimJames: "How are you bored! There are big repercussions for-"

Show Runners: "BOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!"

TimJames: "Look over there! Those Valyrien Ruins are pretty nifty huh? And look, that volcano is erupting!"

Show Runners: "OOH SHINY SHINY!"

TimJames: "Ok my faithful conscience, we need to find either a border about to be attacked by barbarians OR a totalitarian dictator state. And neither can be in Westeros or else Danerys won't show up."

A ruined Valyrian Television, which probably hasn't worked in thousands of years, sprung to life and revealed a news report. 

Duncan The Tall: "I'm in Volantis, where things are not looking good. Slavery is back with a vengence, and now the slaves are only being fed grain mill mixed with the ground up bones of dead slaves. Mad-Slave Disease is rampantly spreading, and the city is in need of a liberator-savior. In other news, Khal Jhaqo and his Secretary of War Mago "the Monsterous" are besieging the city. If it falls, they will kill all the slaves and all the innocent non-slave-owning-freemen. As a reminder, Khal Jhaqo and Mago are both threatening civilization and we are in need of a tough-as-nails leader."

TimJames: "That feels a bit too convenient ..."

Narrator: "Your welcome!"

.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Meanwhile, in the Crownlands.

Mace Tyrell stood before a massive army, inexplicably having lost ALL of his fat and replaced it with muscle in the span of a week. 

Mace "the Ace": "Count Balerion's sniveling cronies have decided to abolish Feudalism, declaring that they do not want knights like us. Well I won't put my head on a pike for them. Will you?"

Soldiers: "NO! NO! NO!"

Mace "the Ace": "I say we march to Kings Landing and demand our rights. Are you with me?!"

Soldiers: "Tyrell!!! Tyrell!!! Tyrell!!!"

Mace "the Ace": "I said, ARE YOU WITH ME!!!"

Soldiers: "TYRELL!!! TYRELL!!! TYRELL!!!"

Mace "the Ace": "Then The Die Is Cast!"

[Count Balerion]

In Penguinos:

"YES!" roared a voice as deep and loud as the crashing surf breaking upon the rocks (which also happens, along with several lightning bolts). And a terrifying figure rises from the deep. It is barely recognisable as Count Balerion, but is 50 feet tall and has green slimy tentacles extending from shore to shore of Penguinos. But the immaculate tuxedo and the famous human-skin cravat are as they have ever been. He climbed upon a glacier above the shore of Penguinos, which was crowded with Ironborn along with southern Others, who were extremely dowdy and dumpy flightless bird-demons.

"I AM RISEN!!!!" he cried. "I, COUNT TROUMPE OF HOUSE BALERION, HAVE CONQUERED DEATH! AND NOW MY DOMINION SHALL BE FROM EVERLASTING TO EVERLASTING! For I could probably torture 700,000 people to death and my supporters would still blindly submit to my inexorable will!

"Those who have aided me shall not go unrewarded! EURON SHALL BE THE COMMANDER OF MY NAVY and the Shrike, whom I have chosen to bring back from the grave as a zombie-fiend, shall be High Priest! THE IRYAN RACE SHALL AT LAST HAVE THE PLACE IN THE WORLD THAT IS RIGHTFULLY THEIRS! For thus spake Dagmer Musslinerson: It is better to live one day as a kraken than 100 years as a sheep!!!!!!” Deafening cheers.

"We shall conquer Wetteros ..."

"Westeros" corrected Aerion Brightflame, who had a bit of an attitude.

"Nay, for we shall sink it under the sea, from which all life arose and to which it shall now return," quoth the Count. Then some brown-shirted Ironborn thugs tackled Aerion and dipped him in guano amid raucous laughter.

"That was so great," said the Count. "Who was the person who did that? Put up your hand, put up your hand. Or your fin, or tentacle, or whatever. Bring that person up here. I love that.

"I love the Old Ways, you know? You know what I hate? There's a guy totally disruptive, throwing punches, we're not allowed punch back anymore. ... I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell ya, and then have him pulled apart by wild krakens and afterwards burnt to death by an Australiosi stingray and then nibbled by hammerhead sharks and then damned.  That is how I shall handle dissent! Any who wish to have opinions must needs pay the iron price!!!!!!!" This comment sparked roaring applause from the audience.

"Iryan culture shall be the pride of Earthos, for with our plunder we shall build a glorious modern art gallery, the Harrenhorn Museum.http://hirshhorn.si.edu/collection/shana-lutker/#collection=shana-lutker

"And the Drowned God shall rule all! He alone shall reign, and the Greenlanders shall be taught his fear!"

"When did you become a worshipper of the DG?" asked Brightflame sarcastically, piqued rather than humiliated by his recent roughing-up.

"IDIOT!!!" thundered the Count. "IDIOT! I, COUNT TROUMPE OF HOUSE BALERION,  *AM* THE DROWNED GOD! BEHOLD MY AWSEOME POWER!" He waved a tentacle, and immediately the ocean covered all those present; when the water had ebbed, all the humans had acquired fins or tentacles and scales. He waved another tentacle, and immediately all the sourthern Others, formerly dowdy, were clad in beautiful tuxedi; no longer dumpy, they were now sleek and elegant. "HEAR THE WORDS OF MAYBEL THE SEERESS: THAT WHICH IS CHIC CAN NEVER CLASH!" cried the Count.

[Essos and KL presently. Invasion needn't begin yet.]

[Count Balerion]

A shining red V appears in the sky. "If we follow that it will take us to Volantis eventually," said Weyrde. "It is a sign from the Lord of Light.  Unfortunately, Mantarys is on the way with its demon-monsters and fire-zombies who want revenge.  What are you looking at the map for?  Maps on this show only exist in order to look cool during the credits.  Don't expect anything to make sense.  By the way, you were right about the theologica..." Suddenly, her face began twitching weirdly and when she spoke again, it was in a breathy voice and she was crying and her hair changed colour. "I love you," she said. "You are so brave...  I understand you must be loyal to Mya Stone.  But…  my…  heart…  is…  breaking…!  No, it's not! Stop that!"

Then the molten lava from the erupting volcano began running after them and giant disgusting arthropods called Icks appeared and chased them. It's almost as if someone is trying to stop the narrative from happening.

"That's gross," said the audience. "It's also not in the books," said the Ranters. "Then it rules," said the Showpologists.

[Count Balerion]

Mace was basking in popular acclaim. "KNIGHTS' RIGHTS!" bellowed the crowd. "MACE THE ACE FOR KNIGHTS' RIGHTS!!!!!!!!" "Guess I'm not so stupid now, eh?" he texted Olenna.

But then, who should turn up for a parley with Mace but Tyene. Or I suppose you could call it a parley, but it was more like a seduction; or at the very least she took an unorthodox approach to political dialogue. She was wearing nothing besides her swordbelt and came sashaying provocatively up to Mace and said, "I theenk we need to establish some ... BAD )*^%%^%@@# ... /diplomatic relations/. The well-being of the ... hmmhmmmh BAD *&$@@#%&&* ... /region/ is best served by increased ... BAD )%$^&**%#@!#$%$^ ... /intercourse/ between the two ... BAD ((&^%$##$% ... /sides/. I hope thees proposals ... BAD _*^$$%^&**$%%&^)(&% ... /arouses/ your ... /eenterest/!"

"This is too subtle," complained an audience member. "I don't get it."

"BAD &^%#$^&*((*&^^%%$$$!!!!" yelled the crowd. "MACE THE ACE AND BAD (>&&&&$##%%^$$?())**$#@!!!@!@!@!!!!!"

[TimJames]

 

On 4/22/2016 at 10:16 AM, Count Balerion said:

snip

Meanwhile, in The Seven Purgatories ...

Robert Baratheon and Sandor Clegane were both lying down on the white ground, staring into the white nothingness around them and trying to play "I spy".

Robert: "I spy ... something white ..."

Sandor: "Void?"

Robert: " ... yep ..."

Sandor: "I spy a sad, lecherous sot whose happiest memories were in his childhood."

Robert: "That's a mean thing to say about me."

Sandor: "I actually meant myself."

Robert: " ... heh ..."

Sandor: " ... heh ... heh ..."

Robert: "We are a sorry lot."

Sandor: "Aye, that we are."

This semi-friendly banter ended when Robert Baratheon saw someone in the distance. While the figure was emaciated and covered in a thick coating of red dust as a result of spending his time in The Seven Hells, Robert immediately recognized the white hair.

Robert: *voice rippling with anger* "Rhaegar ..."

Rhaegar saw his former enemy, and tried to be reasonable.

Rhaegar: "Robert, wait!!!!"

Robert: "YOU RAPISTS SON OF A BITCH!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!" 

Rhaegar began running through the void, with Robert and Sandor fast in pursuit.

Robert: "I LOVED HER AND YOU RAPED HER!! LYANNA'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOUUUU!!!!!"

Rhaegar: "That's not what happened! Please, I can explain!?!!"

Robert: "I'LL HAMMER YOUR BLACK HEART TO A PULP ALL OVER AGAIN!"

Sandor: "You don't have a hammer."

Robert: "THEN I'LL THROTTLE THE LIFE OUTTA HIM!!!"

Robert Baratheon cornered Rhaegar Targaryen and knocked him down. Jumping on his foe, Robert wrapped his hands around Rhaegar's throat and squeezed. He gripped tighter and tigheter, watching The Sliver Prince's face turn purple.

Rhaegar: *in pain* "Kill me ... if you must! But ... know I'm not your enemy ..."

Robert would have kept strangling, but he heard a voice in his head. It was the voice of Oswhite, and that voice whispered 'he speaks the truth'. Robert did not believe it, but he decided to loosen the grip and let Rhaegar speak his case.

Robert: "If I think you lie, I will gouge your purple eyes out with my thumbs!"

Rhaegar: *gasping for air* "Ahhh ... Robert, though I was a Prince I held no power. I lived in fear of Arthur Dayne, and cowered at the sight of him ... HE ordered the kidnapping of Lyanna, and he's the one who raped her."

Robert: "You lie ..." 

But then Oswhite's voice again said 'he speaks the truth'. So Robert did not unleash his wrath.

Rhaegar: "You say that I am to blame for Lyanna's death, and that is true. I was too cowardly, too craven, and too pathetic to stand up to Arthur Dayne. I did not even intervene when he tried to molest my younger brother Viserys. That is why I did not defend myself on The Trident; I knew that for my cowardice and my inaction that I deserved to die. I am sorry, I have failed everyone."

It was at this point that The Wild Stag's wrath melted away like snow in the springtime. 

Robert: "I hated you ... all my life I hated you ... and you were never a threat to begin with ..."

As Robert had an epithany, he was elavated to The Seven Heavens. Rhaegar Targaryen, Sandor Clegane, and Dirk were elevated with him.

Waiting at The Shining Gates was Steffon Baratheon, Cassana Baratheon, Renly Baratheon, Barra Waters, Eddard Stark, Brandon Stark, and Rickard Stark. 

Robert: "You're all here! Oh Father Above, words can not describe how great it feels to see you all again! ... though I am sure you can not say the same of me ..."

Cassana:  "You could never disappoint us, we love you."

Steffon: "And there is one more person who waited for you."

The others stepped aside, revealing Lyanna Stark. 

Lyanna: "Robert, I misjudged you. I had thought you an unreliable playboy, yet when I saw your life it became clear that behind all of that you were just a boy who was given a bad lot in life. Even in your darkest, you fought bravely."

Robert: *in tears* "Lyanna ... I tried to save you ... turely I did!!!!!"

Lyanna: *smiling sadly* "It was not meant to be. But we are together now, and can finally be wed."

Lyanna took Robert's hand, and lead him to a Celestial Godswood. Standing in the center of the ring of Weirwood Trees was none other than Oswhite, who was acting as the officiate. In the audiance was every virtuious Stark, Baratheon, and Durrandon from history. 

Robert: "I love you. Will you be mine forever?"

Lyanna: "I will. I love you, will you be mine forever?"

Robert: "I will."

Having said their vows, they kissed and were finally wed. They both found happiness after life that was denied to them during it.

Rhaegar watched from the back, jealous.

Sandor: "You'll have your own woman one day."

Rhaegar: "It is not a woman I want, it is a man with red hair. I want a griffin."

Sandor: "He'll be here in a decade or so, provided he doesn't stop on any peasant babies."

Sandor turned to his side to find his dead sister there to greet him.

Sandor's Sis: "Fancy seeing you here."

Sandor smiled, the first time he smiled in forty five years, and he held his sister in his arms and lifted her into the air.

Sandor's Sis: "Higher! Higher!"

[TimJames]

Why did the Showrunners do this you ask? Because they knew that 40% of the audience believed Rhaegar and Lyanna to be lovers. What better way to send their fanbase into a frothing rage than by shattering such delusions with a revelation that Rhaegar actually swung for the other team? 

Oddly enough, this did nothing to decrease views and actually doubled them. That is because fans decided to hate-watch the rest of the series. Additionally, yaoi artists now were struck with new inspiration and as such went to work creating hundreds of RhaegarXJonConnington paintings and sculptures and graffiti.

In other unrelated news, several real-world riots broke out. Here are images of rioters tipping over police cars and lighting dumpsters on fire. Now be sure to go to your preferred pundits to discover what the rioters want and whether or not they are a legitimate movement. 

[Count Balerion]

They were protesting Dorne; so yeah, pretty legitimate.

Meanwhile, in Yi Ti:

"Stop binding women's feet," said Danaerys.

"Make me," said Hooha, an evil Yi Ti chap.

"Dracarys," said Dany.

"Ouch," said Hooha.

"That was easy," said Tyrion.

Then Faegon randomly died. "How sad," said Dany, trying and largely succeding in stifling laughter. Tyrion made no attempt to try.

[Count Balerion]

Somewhere on the way to Volantis, Weyrde and TJ were being attacked by Icks and chased by molten lava, when suddenly Mya Stone dropped in from the sky. "You're welcome again!" said the Narrator.

"You two use your special swords," said Weyrde. "Just don't kill anything that's surrendered; it's rude. No atrocities! I'll tackle the lava." She raised a hand in the direction of the approaching lava and cried out in High Valyrian, "In the name of the Lord of Light, I command you to stop!" The lava stopped. Then it began inching towards them again. Weyrde repeated the spell, and again it stopped. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Start. Wow, this is suspenseful, isn't it? Not to mention visually stunning. I'm giving this episode a 10. This show rocks!

[TimJames]

6 hours ago, Count Balerion said:

Somewhere on the way to Volantis, Weyrde and TJ were being attacked by Icks and chased by molten lava, when suddenly Mya Stone dropped in from the sky. "You're welcome again!" said the Narrator.

"You two use your special swords," said Weyrde. "Just don't kill anything that's surrendered; it's rude. No atrocities! I'll tackle the lava." She raised a hand in the direction of the approaching lava and cried out in High Valyrian, "In the name of the Lord of Light, I command you to stop!" The lava stopped. Then it began inching towards them again. Weyrde repeated the spell, and again it stopped. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Start. Wow, this is suspenseful, isn't it? Not to mention visually stunning. I'm giving this episode a 10. This show rocks!

TimJames: "What special sword? I don't have a special sword."

But as he said that, he noticed that his previously empty hand now held Just Maid. 

Galladon of Morne (shouting from The Seven Heavens): "Your welcome!!!"

Together they started hacking down Icks, Mya occasionally killing whole groups of them with her Lightning Sword. Fortunatly, none of The Icks surrendered because. This game them a plot-convenient excuse to slaughter each and every one of them without a shred of remorse.

Mya: "Ours Is the Fury!"

TimJames: "Kill! Kill! KILL!!!"

Jumping and hacking in a seemingly choreographed manner, they cut their way down the streets of Volantis with ease. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Yi Ti, Daenerys was doing more justice stuff.

Daenerys: "Stop running sweatshops! It's unethical!" 

Cheap Crap Manufacturer: "Not from a revenue standpoint-"

Daenerys: "Dracarys!!!"

Drogon then burned the Cheap Crap Manufacturer to a crisp, and started flying about the sweatshop eating the overseers and human traffickers.

Daenerys: "You're free now! Go be free!"

Sweat Shop Worker: "Now we don't have a source of income. What are we going to eat?"

Daenerys: "Hmmm ...."

Tyrion: "Let me handle the Socio-Economic part of liberating societies. You can kill things."

Daenerys: "Yay!" *Shoves Arakh down overseer's throat*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------_______________-------------------------___---_----------------------------------------------------__-___--_---_----------------________________----------------------------------__--------_-------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Stannis was in Dragonstone. He was preparing his army to help Liberate Essos. The reason he was needed there was that a Pro-Slavery Confederacy of Free Cities was reinstating slavery in Essosi Cities and trying to succeed from the EU. 

Stannis was also being tutored by Oberyn. Stannis needed to seduce the last Dragonrider in the world, but because he was off-putting he needed Westeros's resident Cassanova to teach him. This training was not going as well as the military logistics ...

Oberyn: "Ok, see that woman over there?" *points to woman at bar* "Walk up to her, smile smoothly, and offer to cook her a romantic meal."

Stannis: "Got it." *proceeds to walk over to her and look at her coldly* "I once had to eat a rat to survive."

Woman: *leaves uncomfortably*

Oberyn: *facepalms, then walks over to Stannis* "What was that?"

Stannis (to Oberyn): "This isn't working."

Oberyn: "I don't know how to help you."

Stannis: "I never had help. Not when I was besieged for my life in Storm's End, not when I killed a Shitload of Ironborn Reavers in Fair Isle, and not when I ran through fire at Blackwater Bay."

Oberyn: " ... Why didn't you start with that? That sounds badass!"

Different Woman: "What sounds Badass?"

Oberyn: "My friend here. Stannis, tell her how you killed a shitload of Ironborns."

------------------------------______________________--------------------________--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Narrator: "Now lest you get too pumped up, remember that boring things were happening as well. In Dorne, Septon Meribald was starting a campaign to build clean toilets and sewage systems to improve the hygene of the smallfolk in that area."

Dornish Prostitute: "Wanna do it?"

Septon Meribald: "Sorry, I'm Celibate. You really should take up a more honest line of work."

Dornish Prostitute: "The Madam said she'd murder my parents if I left."

Septon Meribald: "Well, this Dagger I had from my Child-Soldier days says she won't be a problem for long."

Narrator: "See, even the boring parts are interesting. Septon Meribald is fighting Human Trafficking AND building toilets.

Show Runners: "NO! I HATE THIS!!!"

Narrator: "Why?"

Show Runners: "It portrays Prostitution in a negative light! Potentally emboldening human trafficking is a small price to pay for being able to cheat on our wives! Plus for an extra fee they won't laugh at our inadequacy."

Narrator: "I thought you liked dark and gritty things."

Show Runners: "Only when we agree with their underlying assumptions!"

Narrator: " ... Look here, there's a dancing bear in the background!" 

Show Runner: "Wee! Look at the silly bear!"

Other Show Runner: "Do a flashback of him being trained by being placed on coals while still a cub!"

[Count Balerion]

Needless to say, they did. Then they had a sex scene with a bear in the brothel, but sadly the Narrator cut it out.
What a meanie.

#$$%%$##

The trouble with the death of Faegon is that now one of the dragons is miffed at not having a rider. Watch Rhaegal and Viserion fight over who gets Tyrion! Dig that CGI violence! it's almost as cool as:

@$%^%$$

Dorne! Where (show) Obara and Nym attack Doran with badly accented bad dialogue. "You arre veak!" said they. "Aggh no!!!!!" said Doran. During their victory dance, the Sand Snakes quite failed to notice the fleet of ships and marine creatures on the horizon ...

[Count Balerion]

The audience was still stuck on Doran's death. "That was shocking," it said.

"Shockingly bad," said a Ranter.

"That isn't shocking," said a Raver.

But then, the ocean flooded the Dornish desert, bringing Ironborn ships and sea monsters and demon-penguins and tentacle-demon-things and giant sea-cucumber demon-monter monster-demons and man-eating clams and shark-demon-monster-robots in its wake. And leading them were Euron, armed with the dragon-horn and a ring of power, and a dread tentacled Being that caused any that gazed upon it to faint and wither and die. It was, of course, Count Balerion reborn, more terrifying than ever.

"KILL THE DORNISH!!!!!!!!" he cried. "THEY'RE MUSLIM RAPIST IMMIGRANTS WHO STEAL OUR JOBS!! THEY MUST BE DESTROYED!!!!!!! THE DROWNED GOD COMMANDS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And the ocean covered the land.

But a remnant held out on a mountaintop (now an island), where Septon Meribald's holiness managed to stem the aquatic onslaught--but for how long?

LIKE WHOAHW! I'M RATING THIS 15!!!!!!!!!

[TimJames]

 

On 4/22/2016 at 10:16 AM, Count Balerion said:

Mace was basking in popular acclaim. "KNIGHTS' RIGHTS!" bellowed the crowd. "MACE THE ACE FOR KNIGHTS' RIGHTS!!!!!!!!" "Guess I'm not so stupid now, eh?" he texted Olenna.

But then, who should turn up for a parley with Mace but Tyene. Or I suppose you could call it a parley, but it was more like a seduction; or at the very least she took an unorthodox approach to political dialogue. She was wearing nothing besides her swordbelt and came sashaying provocatively up to Mace and said, "I theenk we need to establish some ... BAD )*^%%^%@@# ... /diplomatic relations/. The well-being of the ... hmmhmmmh BAD *&$@@#%&&* ... /region/ is best served by increased ... BAD )%$^&**%#@!#$%$^ ... /intercourse/ between the two ... BAD ((&^%$##$% ... /sides/. I hope thees proposals ... BAD _*^$$%^&**$%%&^)(&% ... /arouses/ your ... /eenterest/!"

"This is too subtle," complained an audience member. "I don't get it."

"BAD &^%#$^&*((*&^^%%$$$!!!!" yelled the crowd. "MACE THE ACE AND BAD (>&&&&$##%%^$$?())**$#@!!!@!@!@!!!!!"

Unfortunately, this was too subtle for Mace Tyrell to pick up on what she was suggesting as he lacked both book smarts and street smarts. He's like an overweight Gilligan with inherited political power. 

Obarra Sand: "Did you seduce Mace?"

Tyene Sand: "No ... I only managed to seduce Willas Tyrell. When he rolled his wheelchair into my guest room and saw me naked."

Willas Tyrell: "I think we're making a big connection!"

Obarra Sand: "Close enough."

Mace left the meeting and proceeded to march on Kings Landing. Storming the castle gates Leeroy-Jenkins style, his knights overran the Evvill garrisons. 

A soldier posed for a propaganda photo by holding a Tyrell Flag over The Dragon Gate, and another group of soldiers tore down a statue of Count Balerion in the city square.

Mace rode triumphantly down the streets whilest wearing a metal cup on his head and swinging a Mace around.

Tyrell Knights: "Knight's Rights! Knight's Rights!"

Mace: "Weeeeee!" *clubs a Bolton soldier in the face*

Roose fled to Dorne to meet up with Count Balerion's forces, but the rest of the Kings Landing baddies were cut down.

Crown Prince Garlan Tyrell: "Any last words, knave?!"

Countunist Cadre: " uhhh ... People's Revolution? ... umm ... Prolateriate?"

Crown prince Garlan Tyrell: *impales Cadre with spear*

Walder Frey: "Please don't kill me? Oh please oh please oh please don't kill me!!!! You wouldn't kill a man who peed his pants, would you?!?"

Dickon Tarly: "You're quite a coward. Care to do the honors, bro?"

Samwell Tarly: "Actually, I think Jon should do the honors."

Jon MOTHERFUCKING Danye Snow: "With love from Robb Stark!!!" *hangs Walder Frey from a bridge*

Bolton Lackey: "No! Noooo!"

Samwell Tarly: *stabs Lackey with severed rhino horn* "That's how we do it in HORN HILL!"

Bran Stark: *rips collaborators arms off* "You're in a DIRE situation!"

Mace Tyrell: *hits Countunist Informant on the head with his Mace* "You just got MACED!"

Margaery Tyrell: *shoots Baelish Thug in head with shotgun* "I'm having a BLAST!"

Shireen Baratheon: *uses high-tech sniper rifle to shoot Kettleblack goon in groin* "Avoid cold and flu by having your vaccination SHOTS!"

When the smoke was cleared, the "Worker's Uprising" was crushed and Feudal Monarchy was restored. Mace "the Mighty" Tyrell was crowned King Of All The Westerosi in The Great Sept. 

Bran Stark: *picks Margaery Tyrell up in his overly muscluar arms* "I'm gonna give you a romantic night you'll never forget!"

Margaery Tyrell: "You seem hornier than usual. What changed?"

Bran Stark: "You're a Princess now. That makes you even hotter."

Audience: "This feels wrong."

Narrator: "How? Bran's in an adult's body, so saying this is wrong would be like saying the movie BIG is wrong."

Audience: "But the thing about having three wives-"

Narrator: "Many real-world cultures allow polygamy. If you follow monogomy, then you're the weird one."

Audience: "Well, Margaery is really hot."

Narrator: "That's the spirit. Now here's some more warfare scenery."

Audience: "OHHHH! SHINY SHINY!!!!!!!"

---

Meanwhile in Dorne, Count Balerion and his Ironborn horde was  overrunning the region. They were committing a bunch of atrocities so you knew not to support them.

Eurion: *twirls mustache* "Yessssss Yesssss ... Our eeeeeeevvvvvvvvviiiiiiilllllllllll plan is coming together."

Ironborn Reaver: "Lets punish these Dornish people for their sexually liberal views! By raping them!"

Fish Monster: "I'm a fish who eat's babies, and I came to Dorne to eat babies."

Sebastian: "Jamaca Mon!" *cuts Dornishman's head off with claw*

Because they had evil magic, they could summon the souls of ASOIAF's most evil villians and put them in atomically correct robot bodies.

Narrator: Theon Stark!, whom was so bad that you have to check his description twice to make sure you didn't misread.

Book Accountant: "Don't you mean 'Theon Bolton'?

Narrator: "No, he's a Stark."

Theon Stark: "I love committing Genocide! Time to strangle Andal Babies just to watch the life drain from their innocent bodies!!!

Morally Stable Audience Member: "That is wrong. Extending revenge to an entire racial-ethno group is wrong."

Misanthropic Asshole Audience Member: "HE'S THE REASON WE HAVE THE NORTH WE KNOW AND LOVE HOW DARE YOU DEFEND THOSE BAD BAD ANDALS I LOVE THE HUNGRY WOLF AND I LOVE THAT HE COMMITS ETHNIC CLEANSING STOP FORCING YOUR ANTI-GENOCIDE MORALS ON US HE DESERVES TO BE PRAISED AND REMEMBERED AS A HERO RGHAGGGHAEBFDHBNGPIUSDGYTV OU@&^%#@^%$)*+@" *starts frothing at the mouth*

Eddard Stark: *rolls over in his grave*

Narrator: "Are you working through some resentment in this scene?"

Me: "Maybe?"

Narrator: Shrike!, who personally stopped an Ironborn Reformation and set human rights in The Iron Islands back by 1000 years.

Shrike: "Even if you surrender peacefully, I will still mutilate you and your mother! Also I hate Andals and love Sex-slavery and theft!"

Goron Greyjoy: "I'm his Henchman!!!"

Narrator: Harren the black!, who built a big-ass castle on slave labor. 

Harren: "I love working people to death!"

Narrator: "And EVERY SINGLE BOLTON in the Bolton Family Tree literally since it's beginning. With the sole exception of Domeric Bolton, who was the only nice bolton in existance."

Domeric Bolton: *in the seven heavens* "My only regret is that I died before I could give more money to the poor."

Audience: "Why are things so black and white?"

Rule of House Morality Equilibrium. The more heroic and noble members of a house there are, the more evil the exceptions become. And vice versa.

Example: Almost all the Starks in history were honorable heroes, so the one stark who wasn't was a genocidal butcher with a head full of mass-murder. Conversely, all the Freys were scheming rat-fucks, so the few exceptions are precious little angels.

Ramsay Snow: "I'm back baby! Now time to commit evil sins!"

Tywin Lannister: "I'm gonna bare so much false witness! And also I'm gonna murder lots of smallfolk."

Ramsay: "Why were you in The Seven Hells?"

Tywin: "If you sack civilian populations then you spend eternity getting tortured after you die."

Hoster Tully (in The Seven Heavens): "Unless you feel really bad about it and repent."

Tywin: "I went to my grave believing that I did right by murdering smallfolks and molesting my son by proxy, hence my everlasting damnation."

Now with the Armies of Darkness bearing down on Dorne, the Dornish Population fled to The Reach and The Stormlands. In unrelated news, the fertility rate in both regions tripled. 

Now King Mace Tyrell has to try and save his newly won kingdom.

[Count Balerion]

The Count wasn't terribly fussed at the defeat of his lackeys in KL, because 1) he didn't know about it yet; 2. Owing to their rings of power, they couldn't actually be killed; and 3. They were weak and deserved it.

So he gave a little pep talk to his minions in preparation for the invasion of the Reach:

"I'm calling for a total and complete /shutdown/ of Dornish entering Greater Countland, or for that matter existing, until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on

"The other thing with the terrorists is you have to take out their families, when you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives, don't kid yourself. When they say they don't care about their lives, you have to take out their families. And friends. And people who look like them.

"I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I'll build them very inexpensively, with slave labour. I will build a great, great wall on our border, and I will make Dorne pay for that wall. Mark my words.

"The beauty of me is that I'm very rich. And very evil."

And what is happening in Essos? Will Daenerys make it to Volantis? All in good time .... First, she must stop and turn a Dothraki horde into enlightened Scandinavians called the Denmaki, and then she must get her dragons to stop fighting by arranging a time-share. Or the other way around. And anyway, Stannis is still learning how to turn women on.

[Count Balerion]

To clarify: the lackeys who weren't killed because of rings are:

Walder Frey (but he still got hanged, on top of being burnt or whatever by Darth Sansa in a previous season)

Lord Deadly, who was caught by Jon Snow and frozen cryogenically.

Batfinger, who's holed up in the Vale anyway and is pretending to be on Mace's side.

Aerion Brightflame and Euron are with the Count, although Aerion has been demoted to latrine patrol; and Roose, having fled KL, is probably rejoining the count about now, and will also be in the doghouse (possibly literally).

In KL: the Sand Snakes, as soon as they find out about Dorne, will be on mace's side, to the extent that they're on anyone's besides their own.

The smallfolk like mace because: 1. as bad as feudalism is, is better than the count's minions of murder; 2. they think what the plot tells them to think.

The real Count Balerion (not the badguy) was also with Mace etc.,and he probably also made bad puns ("does this COUNT?"). Mace confirmed him in his legitimate title and the real count knighted TJ in absentia, not knowing the Seven already had.

[Count Balerion]

"Why are you bugging us with continuity?" said the Showrunners. "It's boring!"

"Yes, it is," said the Narrator. "so watch this scene with Stannis in a brothel instead."

[Count Balerion]

Then, the Count's forces seized Oldtown and deposed the maesters and installed Theon Stark as Grand Maester. The chief areas of study were now Westerazi Racial Theory, Genocidal Studies, Massacrology, Enhanced Pain Techniques, Humanoid Experimentation and Qyburnetics (the latter caused the reformed Qyburn to tear out his hair and scream when he heard about it), and Advanced Evil.

"That was quick," said the audience, scratching its heads.

"Actually, it wasn't," said the Showrunners. "It was a long bloody gory fight scene that lasted almost a whole episode."

"I'm afraid we can't wipe out the Andals yet," said the Count apologetically. "But it's perfectly OK to put them in concentration camps and work them to death. And experiment on them for the good of Science."

"YEAH! GO COUNT!" said the genocidal audience chap.

"You're stupid," said Wylla and Arya.

Then Roose rushed into the Count's HQ, panting.

"The goodguys have taken King's Landing!" he cried. 

"You failed me!" said the Count. "You're useful, so I'll spare your life; but you're demoted to kennel master, while Ramsay will replace you as Warden of the North."

"Guess one of us is cooler, huh pops?" said Ramsay.

"Shut up," said Roose.

"OK, now, Ramsay, you take your 19 Good Men and 1 Good Robot and ravage the Reach," continued the Count. "Harren, you capture the west coast and build the Harrenhorn Museum. I'm placing you in charge of making our culture accord with Iryan ideals. 

"Euron, you take the Shrike and Goren and a navy, including literal krakens, and sack King's Landing. Shrike, I want you and Goren to have the thralls destroy the Sept of Baelor and build a temple to the Drowned God, alias me. For a religious leader not to worship me is disgraceful. I am proud to be the Drowned God. If and when Wetteros is attacked by Daenerys, which as everyone knows is her ultimate trophy, I can promise you that the High Sparrow would have only wished and prayed that Count Troumpe of House Balerion would have been God-king because this would not
have happened." (In the event, the High Sparrow was to be tortured to death and fed to krakens and penguin-demons instead.)

Then he summoned Robot-Olly and Robot-Joffrey and told them to hack into the Mace Government's computers.

#$%^$$##^%5$
"I'm making Bran my Hand," said Mace.

"No, you're not dear," said Olenna. "Bran is young and strong and very good at beating up guys and bonking women. That does not make him wise. You just go out there and make a speech, and leave governing to me."

"Yes, Mother."

...

"Mother, why do all tHe computers say LOL U SUX LUV COUNT?" said Mace.

"Evil people conquered Dorne and invaded the Reach!" said a telegraph from Sam Tarly. "Even my machismo can't stop them!"

"We seem to be stuck in the political impasse of the damned," said Olenna.

*&&#$$^^$%*&^^(*(&&^%
'Hey babuhs!" said Stannis. "I'm incedibly macho and cool and tough and get a load of all the stuff I did! Dig my testosterone!"

"LIKE WOW!" said the prostitutes.

"I'll do it with you for nothing!" said another.

"I think *we should pay *you!" said a third.

"I love my job! It's so liberating! I'm glad I got sold into sex slavery! Any female who doesn't like being a
prostitute is an Auntie Griselda and probably doesn't have it anyway!!!1" said a fourth.

"Man, you've arrived!" said Oberyn. "Now go out there and conquer Essos!"

"I will, as soon as I'm done with this brothel scene," said Stannis.

"Stan the man! STAN THE MAN!!!!!!!!" said everyone.