Mellow drama, unleash insane megalomaniac, v. 2

[TimJames]

7 hours ago, Count Balerion said:

2/3 of the male characters got up and chanted "WE WANT HAREMS!!!!!!!!" and "EQUAL RIGHTS FOR NON-BRAN PEOPLE!!!!!!"

Dany: "We don't time for this. We need to save humanity. Don't make me go all drac on you!"

Stan: "You tell 'em baybuh!"

Coming up: Audiencia melodramatica!

Narrator: "Look, you can't ALL have harems. The population of named female characters is already at a bottleneck because Bran's as large as 4 men. If the rest of you don't ration, you'll run out."

Dany: "Now quit complaining. Don't make me dragon you all."

Drogon: *roars*

Stannis: "Onward to Volantis! My woman's throne isn't going to win itself!"

[Count Balerion]

The dragon's roar meant that it wanted a harem, too. But off they went, the male characters all muttering mutinously (and alliteratively).

"Let's have a dragon-orgy," suggested Tyrion. "Or I coud get drunk and make stupid jokes until we reach Volantis."

$%%^%$$##
Letter from audience member: "Narrator, why didn't you strangle the Old North Pure North chap? Surely he was worse than the Tyrion rapist nutter."

Narrator: "I didn't know I had the power back then. Maybe the radiation and deadly weapons that the showrunners lobbed at me during the recent war gave me super powers. If so, they'll come in useful."
&^%$#@!@@@

They will indeed, for things are getting ugly in audience-land. Dany fans annoyed at the recent portrayal of Dany are on the warpath. Some indeed tried to be civil and make certain points about compassion towards the downtrodden and whatnot, but they were drowned by "NARRATOR IS A JON LOVER JON SUX!!!!!!!"
"NO DANY SUX!!!!!!!!!!!"
"F$%^^^$$$ YOU DANY-DORK!!!!!!!!!!"
"YOU SUPPORT SLAVERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"YOU SUPPORT GENOCIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"DIE WORTHLESS SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"HOT PIE!!!!!!"
"ARYA!!!!!!!"
"SANSA!!!!!!"
"SER POUNCE!!!!!"
"VARGO HOAT!!!!!!!"
"JAIME!!!!!!!"
"STANNIS!!!!!!"
"STARX SUX!!!!!!"
"DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!"

Sane person: "One can like more than one character and can see both good points and flaws in the main characters and still enjoy GRRM's characterzation."

Internutters: "TRAITOR FILTH DANY JON LOVER DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And they took out their God-given NRA-protected guns and killed him and went on a shooting spree. Three-quarters of the audience died. This was good because it gave the show enormous notoriety and increased ratings tenfold.

Showrunners: "This is EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!! WE're giving everyone a bonus, even the Narrator!"
#$%^^((&^%@#@#$%%
All the excitement rather drowned out the suspense of a missile speeding towards Volantis while Dothraki besieged it demanding slaves and the Masters invented new nasty things to do to said slaves.

"Lift up your R'hllor-blessed swords, while Bnerro and I chant," said Weyrde to TJ and Mya. "There's a missile heading towards us, but maybe we can slow it down with our powers from the Lord, until Daenerys comes with her dragons. Only dragon-fire can defeat it."

"I want a harem," muttered Benerro.

"You know the Lord of Light forbids harems, and anyway you won't get one if you're blown up," pointed out Weyrde.

[TimJames]

On 6/18/2016 at 3:52 PM, Count Balerion said:

$%%^%$$##
Letter from audience member: "Narrator, why didn't you strangle the Old North Pure North chap? Surely he was worse than the Tyrion rapist nutter."

Narrator: "I didn't know I had the power back then. Maybe the radiation and deadly weapons that the showrunners lobbed at me during the recent war gave me super powers. If so, they'll come in useful."
&^%$#@!@@@

News Announcer: "In unrelated news, hundreds of "[Insert Tragedy Here] Truthers" were found strangled to death in front of their television screens and computer screens. No point of entry into the houses were found, and none of their neighbors have seen a thing."

Preschool Shooting Truther: "The shooting was a lie and the victims are Crisis Actors! I'm gonna harass some grieving family members-" *strangled to death by Narrator's Television Screen Arms*

News Announcer: "Many are calling the perpetrator of this act "The Golden Garrote". We polled people on the streets for their thoughts."

Random Person #1: "I think he's great! The Golden Garrote has my support!"

Random Person #2: "I normally don't support vidulantism ... but for this I make an exception. Thanks for cleaning up the street: Golden Garrote, I salute you!"

News Announcer: "I must remind everyone, being an A**hole Conspiracy Theorist is not a crime."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Narrator: "This week on ... zzzzzzzz"

Showrunner: "Wake up!"

Narrator: "Huh! Yes Ser!"

Showrunner: "Good God man! Didn't you get enough sleep last night?"

Narrator: "Sorry .... I wasn't able to get much sleep. I was up all night fighting crime- NOPE! Not that! Heh Heh Heh! I'm not The Golden Garrote, honestly." 

Showrunner: "Hmmm ..." *squints with suspicion at Narrator*

Emilia Clarke: "Oh Narrator, there you are. I really rocked your world last night, huh?"

Narrator: "Wa- Oh yes. That's what I was doing. I was doing her."

Showrunner: *loses all suspicion* "Well ok them. Drink come coffee and start filming." *leaves*

Narrator: "Thanks for covering for me Emilia."

Emilia: "You gotta be better at hiding your Secret Identity. Nobody can know you're The Golden Garrote; you might not be allowed to narrate."

Narrator: "I know, but the world needs me to clear the filth."

Emilia: "You're hot when you fight crime. Wanna actually do it?"

Narrator: "This is moving too fast for me."

Emilia: "Wanna get coffee at Starbucks and see where things go from there?"

Narrator: "I'd like that."

THIS LOVE STORY WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY STARBUCKS COFFEE! STARBUCKS COFFEE: IF YOU DON'T DRINK US, YOU'LL DIE ALONE!

Emilia: "Actually, is it ok if we go to Dunken Donutes? I have a reward card there."

Narrator: "Oh sure. The Dunken Donutes guy is nicer than the Starbucks Hipster."

NO! IT'S STARBUCKS OR CHEMICAL CASTRATION!

Narrator: "Fine Fine!"

Emilia: "It will taste good if you're there too." *hold's Narrator's hand*

STARBUCKS COFFEE: DRINK IT OR YOU WILL NEVER KNOW LOVE OR AFFECTION!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

TimJames: "I thought Red Priests took a vow of celibacy?"

Benerro: "Not Reformist Red Priests."

TimJames: "You're a Traditionalist Red Priest."

Benerro: "I can wear a Hair Shirt after we're not dead."

The heroes then knelt in prayer.

TimJames: "Father, or Rhllor - I guess they're interchangeable now- Please save us."

Narrator: "And what happened then? While in Volantis they say, that the Boeing B-29 Superfortress Pilot's Heart grew Three Sizes that day!"

Pilot: "I can't destroy the World. Not even to avenge my murdered family."

Intercom: "The Count Orders that Volantis must fall!"

Pilot: "To Hells with Count Balerion!"

The pilot flew over his target, spotted a field, and landed in it with his undetonated Nuclear Warhead in tow.

Timjames: "Look! He's landing!"

Pilot: "I had a change of heart! I am reborn! Gods be Good, I am Reborn-" *shot in head by Pro-Slavery Sniper*

TimJames: "NNNOOOOOOO!!!"

Mya Stone: "We have to secure the Warhead." *hands machine gun to Weyrde* "Give me cover while I rush to the airship."

[Count Balerion]

The Count meanwhile, had used remote-control powers to make the nuclear warhead sentient and filled with an utterly pitiless hate for all the Count's enemies. It was determined to blot out all of Volantis for having dared even slightly annoy Count Badguy!

Showrunners: "We WILL have our suspense, and we WILL have our battle between nuclear warheads and dragons!"

[Count Balerion]

People have noticed some odd things on the show. Daenerys's part has recently both been greatly expanded and vastly improved in quality, while those of most of the male characters associated with her have shrunk. Stannis no longer looks like Stephen Dillane, but bears an uncanny resemblance to the Narrator. The Narrator and Ms. Clarke seem to be both very tired and in a very good mood; and the Narrator always seems to throw in lots of innuendo and then laugh uproariously: "The missile *penetrated* the air space ... HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!"

$%^^^$#@@
Darth Sansa's contraband political comedy has a new feature: a segment in which Dolorous Edd does devastating impressions of Count Badguy. This week, he's bombing people for the most trivial misunderstandings. ""I misread the seat number on the ticket." "BOOM!"

&***&^%%
Weyrde: "Would it kill you people to obey orders??!!? I told you to point your blessed swords in the direction of the missile while Ben and I chanted, to slow it down so we could stay alive. Has it occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, I might know something about these matters??!"
Benerro: "They did convert the pilot."
Weyrde: "We can convert people when we're not dead. Which we will be if they go off like loose catapults and don't stay on the same parchment."
Benerro: "R'hllor teaches patience."
Weyrde: "I'll wear a hair shirt too, then. Meanwhile, you two keep your swords pointed at that thing so we hopefully won't die right away. And don't try stabbing it!!! Do I have to explain *everything*??!?"
Benerro: "You're hot when you're annoyed."
Weyrde: *sigh*
Narrator: "It's gonna *detonate* HAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAAAJAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!"

Far away, up in the sky, they hear voices singing: "We're off to get the Cou-ount, the Cannibal Count of West'roz! If ever a criminal cad there was,the Cannibal Count is one because, because, because, because, because, because, because of the criminal thinbgs he does! Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo! We're off to get the Cou-ount, the Cannibal Count of West'roz!"

Audience: "Even we could come up with better doggerel than that!"
Narrator: "Shut up. Oh my head ...."

[TimJames]

On 6/23/2016 at 5:58 PM, Count Balerion said:

Audience: "Even we could come up with better doggerel than that!"
Narrator: "Shut up. Oh my head ...."

Showrunners: "We can't be mixing our roles around. Narrator; we hired you because you have a reassuring voice, not because you have acting talent. Dillane, we hired you to act."

Narrator: "Since when do you care about show quality?"

Showrunners: "A kid from the Make A Wish Foundation had us visit us as his wish - I guess he was really boring to want to speak to a bunch of fat businessmen - and we promised to improve quality."

Narrator: "That's ... surprisingly magnanimous-"

Showrunners: "We're not made of stone. That doesn't change the fact that we're still loony as fuck! Now stick to Narrating, or the only thing you'll be saying for pay is 'would you like fries with that?'. You're unimportant; don't make us replace you with Morgan Freeman."

Narrator: "Ok. Can I still date Emilia Clark off-screen?"

Showrunners: *snorting cocaine off glass table* "Wat? Oh sure." *resumes snorting cocaine*

Narrator: "Is that cocaine?"

Showrunners: "Oh yes. I'm thinking of giving Maisie Williams a brick for her birthday."

Narrator: "I don't think she'd like that."

Showrunners: "Why not; it's high quality stuff. Imported from Nepal."

Narrator: "I don't think she does hard drugs."

Showrunners: "Fine fine; more for us! Maybe we'll build her a bird house."

The Narrator resumed Narrating, and Stephen Dillane resumed acting. But the conversation made many of the HBO cast concerned about the health of The Showrunners, specifically that their cocaine hobby was turning into an addiction.

##############################################################################################################

Newsman: "The Golden Garrote strikes again. This time noted 9/11 truther Dylan Avery was found strangled to death in his one room hovel. It appears The Golden Garrote gouged his eyes out before strangling him, and in Mr. Avery's mouth the police found a note."

Police Officer: *reading note* "Let this be a lesson to all tragedy-truther conspiracy theorist; your days are numbered. Turn away from lie-mongering, or else you will be next."

Newsman: "Well, I know I'm not supposed to say this, but Dylan Avery deserved what he got."

Emilia Clarke: *watching this on TV during break* "My Narry is making the world a better place. Justice is so hot."

##############################################################################################################

TimJames: "Alright, I'll do what you say Weyrde. You haven't lead me astray yet."

The hero pointed his sword at the nuke and hoped for the best. Mya Stone did the same. Benerro did not have a sword; he pointed a kitchen knife.

 

[Count Balerion]

Weyrde: "Sorry about that. The missile PENETR... stop it! Not you, the Narrator. Anyway:

*chants* "Brexit Begsit Drexit Hexit Jerkit Kegsit Legsit Mixit Nixit Paxit Quaxit Saxit Taxit Trexit!!!!!!!!!" Over and over and over again. MNeanwhile, the horrible doggerel in the sky came closer and closer and closer; and the missile's march towards the goodguys slowed down.

Dillane: "Can I get a bonus for singing this rubbish about the Cannibal Count? That's bad even by this show's standards."

*&^^%%%%
Showrunner #1: "Next time the Naarator fals asleep on the job, don't wake him up!"

SR #2: "Why?"

SR #1: "It's our chance to strike!"

SR #3: "Rape scenes galore, here we come!!!!"

All showrunners: "YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Count Balerion]

Count: "Rammy, I'm appointing you my Personal Tailor. You don't have to do any actual tailoring; you can just hunt people down and have slaves turn them into apparel and then turn the slaves into apparel."
Ramsay: "You honour me, Boss!"
&^^%%^%^&&

Arya is on the run from Theon Stark and Roose Bolton! A dog tore her stomach and another bit off part of her foot, so she's hopping on one foot clutching her stomach! WHOAH! She fell down a precipice and is half dead! Can she get out of this alive?
##$%^^^$%$

Stannis, during a break from singing the Cannibal Count song: "Just one thing, honeypot."
Dany: "Yes hunko?"
Stannis: "I don't want to hurt Mace. He's kind of a nice guy, and he's a harmless goof."
"He usurped the throne," said Daenerys, doubtfully.
Stannis: "Not really. My brother usurped it and then a bunch of other people usurped it like the evil fake Count and then they had a phony republic. So he's not really to blame."
Dany: "That's reasonable. OK, I won't drac him then. Maybe we'll even let him be a regent or something. We can  work it out."
Tyrion: "Don't look now; but we're flying over Volantis and there are 20 missiles headed towards it."
Dany: "OK; say, hunko, can Tyrion borrow your dragon while you deal with the Dothraki besiegers?"
Stannis: "Sure, honeypot."
Dany: "Tyrion, you take Rhaegal and Viserion and go after the missiles. I'm taking Drogon down to handle the slavers."
##$%%^**(&^%$$#@@

Weyrde: "Mother of Dragons, we have been expecting you. We wish to help you save humanity. This is Ser Tym Jaime, Azor Ahai reborn, who received his sword from the Lord of Light."
Benerro: "First we need saving from that missile. It's sentient and wants us dead. We managed to slow it down; but it's still looking ugly."
Showrunners: "We want an epic battle between Drogon and the sentient missile!"
Yara: "Hey dragon lady, you're hot!"
Narrator: "You don't exist."
(&^%$$####$%

Teacher: "Remember, kiddies! It's Cool to be Cruel!"
Wylla Manderly: "You're stupid."
Teacher: "Miss Manderly, you will go to the principal's torture chamber."
Wylla Manderly: "He's stupid, too."

[Count Balerion]

Roose: "Where's your First Men Purity Certificate?"
Arya: "I lost it."
Theon Stark: "BBZZZZZZT! Wrong answer!"
$$$%^^^^^

Evil secret council:

Showrunner 1: "We didn't promise no rape scenes, only that we wouldn't *film* rape scenes!"
SR 2: "We said nothing about not doctoring scenes already filmed!"
Lackey: "Who should I have do the raping?"
SR 3: "Bugs Bunny!"
Showrunners: "YEAH MWAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAVE BUGS RAPE ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!"
&^%%%^&

Audience: "This is shocking."
Showpologist: "I was wrong. This show really is filth."
Other showpologist: "Ummmm lol strawman troll!!!! you do realize blah blah blah don't you?"

[Count Balerion]

Then the showrunners began to dance and sing "If you think this show's controversial now, just wait till we get through with it!"

But then the cameraman went through and deleted all the offending images from the film.

Cameraman: "This is really annoying. I wish the Golden Garrotte would get the showrunners."

Narrator: "Then we'd be out of the job, sadly."
@#$%%%$###

MEMO

From: Count

To: All Staff

Re: Production quotas

I've noticed torture statistics are down this month. This is a production-oriented enterprise. You need to get those numbers up! Underperformers may end up on the menu. I'm hungry.
$$%&**&^%$

Count's propaganda machine: "Why is everyone so fussed about wiping out the Dornish? All lives matter, you know. Jeez. No one else is complaining! Political correctness is so rampant these days."

[Of course, the Dornish *haven't* been wiped out--not for want of trying.]

#$%^%^^

MEMO

From: Count

To: Public relations

Re: Terminology

Don't call it "torture". Call it "applied research". Who could be against applied research?

Likewise, don't say "ethnic cleansing". Say "population control" or "population relocation".

The Drowned God wills it!

[TimJames]

In Theon's North, all citizens must carry their First Men Birth Certificate around with them at all time. To apply for certificate, you must be able to trace your ancestry back to your great-grandparents. To prove of course that you are a Pure Northman.

Since Arya could not do this, she was sent to a Concentration Camp in The Northern Tundra. 

Arya: *bleeding from dog bites, shouting at the guards* "You're stupid!"

It was at this point that a man walked over to her with a bandage. He looked like he was fat once, but after his time in the camp he was very thin. 

Thormund: "Here, we gotta bandage that stomach up."

Arya: *in pain* "Thanks. Why are you here? You're a Northman."

Thormund: "I'm a Wildling, that's the wrong type of Northman. What about you?"

Arya: "My Mom was an Andal."

Thormund: "Gods help you. Come on, I'll try to help you survive here if I can."

------------------

While those of Non-Northman Ancestery in The North were sent to concentration camps, in the rest of Count's Westeros they were put in chain gangs and forced to live as second-class citizens.

Lyonel Corbray: *waiting at bus-stop* 

Northman Bus Driver: "No Andals allowed!"

Lyonel Corbray: "Please! I was already turned away at the tavern and the ice cream parlor."

Northman Bus Driver: "Fine, but you have to sit in the back."

Lyonel Corbray: "Screw this, I'm walking."

--------------------------

The Dornish had it worst of all. They were being slaughtered en-masse by Count Balerion's forces. Most lost any and all hope that things would get better, and tried fleeing to new lands as their ancestors had done before. Unfortunately, while the International community was outraged by the genocide against The Dornish, none of them cared enough to do anything.

In Trios, which was closest to Dorne, the government was cruel to Refugees. They often herded them out like animals, and a Tyroshi reporter was caught on-camera kicking Dornish Children.

Pentos, which is a rich nation, has only been willing to accept 2000 Refugees. However, despite this, the Pentosi People are helping Refugees in spite of their government's rulings. 

Pentosi Businessman: *handing out water to weary Dornish Refugees* "This is the first time in my life that I really helped anyone. I'm not normally a charitable person, but someone has to do something."

Meanwhile Ibbin, which is an extremely poor nation, has accepted 600,000 Refugees and counting. 

Shamefully, the Stepstones and The Kingdom of The Rhoyner have accepted ZERO Dornish Refugees despite cultural similarities and proximity and wealth.

Lys used to have a large Project called Mare Nostrum to rescue Dornish Refugees stranded at sea, but the rest of the Essosi Union has petitioned sucessfully to make Lys stop (on the basis that Essosi property value falls more if Dornish Refugees drowned than if they reach land). This caused outrage when an image emerged of Drowned Dornish Children washing up on the shores of The Summer Isles. 

The only two countries willing to accept Dornish Refugees have been The Kingdom of Westeros (which now only controls The Vale and Kings Landing) and Yunkai (where Daenerys ruled that all refugees would be accepted). 

------------------------

Braavos, in a move modivated by near-sight and xenophobia, voted to leave The Essosi Union. As a result of Braavexit, an economic depression is expected.

Braavosi Voter: "Sure I voted to leave, but I didn't think my vote actually mattered. I certainly didn't want it to happen."

The reason for this is that the decision was given a poor sounding name.

-----------------------------

Meanwhile in Volantis ...

Drogon flew at the bomb Iron Giant style, resulting in an epic fight. 

Stannis: "Once we win this, we'll set Volantis free."

Daenerys: "Alright: whose down for slexit?" (slexit = slave & exit)

[Count Balerion]

MEMO

From: Count

To: All

Re: Hate Day

Never let it be said that I am without solicitude. In order to give my loyal subjects some much needed R&R, I have invented a new holiday called Hate Day, to be devoted to persecuting and doing nasty things to people of the wrong racial background or religion. Have fun!

The Drowned God wills it!
&&**^%%$$

The Count also founded a malevolent association called the Westerazi Hate Association of Terror. Also, Batfinger fronts for a terrorist organization called the True Valers, comprising those lords who didn't go along when Margaery (almost bloodlessly) conquered the Vale.
((*&&^^%%%

Count: "I'm declaring war on any countries that durst harbour Dornish scum."

Roose: "Omnipotence, is that wise?"

Count: "Don't be such a party-pooper, Roosy! You need to get out more!"

Roose: "We still haven't finished conquering Westeros."

Count: "We're all but finished. Although I wonder what's keeping Euron. I'd hate to have to kill him. Now stop grousing and have some blood!"

As a result of the Count's declaration, countries were even more unwilling to harbour Dornish than before.
(*&^^^%%%((

Dany: "This has got to stop! Anyone who doesn't shelter Dornish refugees gets the drac treatment."

Weyrde: "Yes, but about meeting TJ and going to Westeros and saving the world ..."

Dany: "Half a moment! We have to free Volantis first. If your knight does OK at that, he can help me save Westeros. But we have high standards in this business."

Davos: "I want hot grrls!"

[Count Balerion]

Showrunners (in Evil Council): "We must kill the cameraman!"
Lackey: "I don't know ... I've never killed before."
Showrunners: "Anyone can die, dude! That includes recalcitrant staff."
(**&&*()$$

Meanwhile, on screen, an epic battle is under way between the dragons and the nuclear missiles. HBO made a killing in more senses than one on action figures.

The showrunners also tried to have rape action figures marketed, claiming they didn't count as a rape scene; but someone broke into the factory and melted them all down.
*(&%%$%%%^
The Count was at his desk (100% human bone, highest quality, custom made by a prestigious establishment), dictating a memo:

"MEMO

From: Count

To: World

Re: Hate

I HATE EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T WORSHIP ME AND 9/10 OF THOSE WHO DO THEY SHOULD ALL DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Roose: "Omnipotence, I don't recommend sending that just yet. Perhaps a more opportune time ...?"
Count: "You're right; I'll save it for when I get my mass destruction power and can wipe out all life. Not that I'm *going* to wipe out all life. I need people to torture."
*&&&^&^^^&

Jorah: "Khaleesi, we just got a declaration of war from someone styling himself Count Balerion or the Drowned God. He says he'll destroy you for sheltering Dornish "scum" and abolishing slavery, which he claims is "ordained by the Drowned God, Me".

Dany: "Oh *does* he?"
Stan the Man: "Bring it on, buddy!"
 

[Count Balerion]

Meanwhile, Cersei walked around Westeros nude in order to distract the people from bad government and
concenctration camps and mass murder and raping and flaying and whatnot.

Smallfolk: "This is shocking."
Audience: "Not really."
Victims: "AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHRGHGHHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Other smallfolk: "I heard she's having an AFFAIR!"

[TimJames]

Pycelle: "You don't seem disgusted with any of the hedonistic and/or wicked behavior in Kings Landing, but you don't seem evil either. Why is that?"

Bronn: "When I was 14 I decided to classify all personality failings and moral flaws as quirks. Life is much more enjoyable as a result."

Pycelle: "Is that you kept cracking jokes about Locke when he ripped the servants' arms off?"

Bronn: "Oh boy, that Locke is quite a character!"

Book Purist: "Wait, he's a show character."

Show Fanatic: "He's certainly scarier than that slobbering goat-fellow."

Book Purist: "Goat Hoat is way scarier!"

Telegraph comes in, Pycelle reads it.

Pycelle: "Cersei's walking around Kings Landing. Naked. AND she's killing dwarves. Yep, she's really gone mad this time."

Bronn: "Oh boy! When will she learn ..."

[TimJames]

Back in Westeros, THE VALE was the last holdout of the Westeros Kingdom. It was flooded with refugees from every corner of The Realm; from Dorne to The North and from The Iron Islands to The Sisters. 

Ellaria Sand: "I'm glad we were able to escape Count Balerion's reign of terror."

Nymeria Sand: "Plus all these Vale Knights are sexy and STRANGER'S SHIT IT'S COLD HERE! WHY IS IT SO COLD HERE!?!?"

Jon Redfort: "You're wearing silk lingerie and it's -400 degrees this time of year. Hear put on this giant mammoth pelt coat I'm wearing." 

Nymeria Sand: "It's not very revealing."

Jon Redfort: "You only need it for the outside. Inside buildings in The Vale are all heated."

[Count Balerion]

"I can't believe Tyene actually likes sleeping with the Count," said Nymeria.

"What!!!!! Isn't he an anti-Dornish bigot?" said Royce.

"Yes, but he's also a hypocrite," said Lady Nym. "And, what's worse ..." *whispers* "I hear rumours she's pregnant!"
(***&&&&&
A new Eugenics Decree states that dwarves ruin the gene pool and must be wiped out.

The law was Cersei's idea. The Count takes a collaborative approach to tyranny and lets all henchpeople give vent to their hatreds. He doesn't really hate dwarves or even Andals (although he loathes their religion, especially the sparrows; "help the poor? bleargh! I'd rather eat them!") any more than he hates humans--indeed, life in general. He's an equal opportunity oppressor.
*&&^^&*(()

All the Northern lords were, of course, on the side of Theon Stark and Boltons, just because--except Wylla Manderly and Lyanna Mormont. Even Lady Lyanna didn't want to get involved on the side of Jon Snow (who's holed up in KL anyway), Arya (currently in a concentration camp), or Darth Sansa (currently leading a top-secret expedition to free Arya) and "fight other people's wars", until Wylla Manderly told her she was stupid.

 

[TimJames]

Meanwhile, in Count-Occupied Westeros ...

After finishing her classes and her Count Youth Training for the day (it was all the rage in Occupation Westeros - if you were a kid then you just HAD to attend. Literally. Or else they'd castrate you with a rusty flaying knife), Wylla Manderly snuck off to her secret checkpoint. 

When she got there, a Free Westeros Partisan was waiting for her.

Partisan: "Were you followed?"

Wylla: "Of course not stupid! These Count Troopers are too stupid to figure that out! Stupid!"

Partisan: "Good."

Wylla: "I have the papers."

Partisan: "Good job. This is just what we need."

He then handed her a bottle of Wolfsbane.

Partisan: "Are you ready to posion your teacher?"

Wylla: "Yes. My Papa always said Revenge is best served in a pie."

Partisan: "Good work girl. Now, I best be off."

---------------------------------------------------

At the Death Camp, Arya struggled to survive. The Guards were cruel and brutal.

Thormund Giantsbane: "Arya, hide!" 

Arya: *jumps into porta potty*

Death Camp Guards: "Alright, we're executing three girls today. Step up!"

All the girls in the camp who were unable to take shelter lined up ... at which point the Guard cut three of them in half with a Northern Greatsword.

Well-Adjusted Audience Member: "This is horrible."

First Men Supremacist Audience Member: "OMG THEON STARK'S JUST TRYING TO PREVENT MISEGNATION!!! THE ANDALS DID WORSE SO THE ENTIRE RACE DESERVES TO SUFFER!!! MASS MURDERS ARE JUTIFIABLE WHEN THE PEOPLE COMMITTING THEM LINE UP WITH MY VIEWS STOP TRYING TO RUIN THE HISTORICAL NARRATIVE I SET UP IN MY HEAD!!!"

Several other Audience Members take the Pogrom-Apologist's side, and we all draw some new notches on the stick with which we measure how low humanity has sunken.

Arya: *climbing out of cistern* "Thanks Thormund."

Thormund: "No problem."

[Count Balerion]

Further south, Tyene, in addition to being the Count's mistress (neither of them cared for the arrangement much,
but it was better than nothing; the Count was *really* annoyed at the Narrator's/actors' rape scene ban), has
become one of chief torturers.

Tyene: "BAD &&*^%%%$$$##%%&&&&&!!!!!"
Victims: "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOT BAD DIALOGUE!!!!!!!!!!"
Count, while gnawing disobedient slave alive: "Better them than me."
Slave being gnawed: "Amen."
%%^$##@$%%

Meanwhile, Cersei was caught in an orgy. Probably virtual and really only with Maegor. Who knows. Anyway, it was
splashed all over the Westerosi Enquirer.
^^$$$##@$%^

In KL, Olenna had used her engineering skills to set up dikes to protect KL from the flood caused by the self-styled
Drowned God; and had also sent an army of ninja-cats to murder Robot-Joffrey.
$%^^^^%$$%%

The Count is having fun legislating. Westerosi subjects are now required to have gills and turn into bizarre fish-
hybrids per the Drowned-God Reverence and Environmental Adaptation Decree (DREAD); this is keeping the nuttier and
more evil maesters busy. Also, the Penal Code revision has made it a crime to look guilty of anything.

The Westerosi developmental index continues to plummet. It's now on a level with Djibouti, if it were ruled by
Sauron. Thousands of subjects are overwhemed with despair and kill themselves, but are then resurrected and turned
into zombie slaves (the Corpse Corps).
#%^%$#@!!

In real life, the North Supremacists have taken to wearing wolfstikas; and the Golden Garrotte has never been
busier.

[with my luck, Djibouti is a welfare paradise]

[TimJames]

Two Government Agents cornered The Narrator at his apartment.

Narrator: *opening the door* "Hello?"

Gov. Agents: "Mr. Narr, we are agents of The Government. We know you are The Golden Garrote."

Narrator: "Am I under arrest?"

Gov. Agents: "No. We came here with an offer, not a warrant. Your powers can do great good in this world. ISIS, Annomyous, the KGB, child-pornographers; there are lots of dangerous foes in front of screens. Your ability can get rid of all of them and save thousands of lives, AND you'll be a national hero."

Narrator: "I am flattered, but I can not in good conscience accept this offer. HBO needs me."

Gov. Agents: "This is more important than television-"

Narrator: "IT'S NOT JUST TV, IT'S HBO!!! I'm sorry, but my people need me."

Gov, Agents: "Ok, we respect your decision. Here's our card if you change your mind."

After closing the door, The Narrator returned to the couch in front of the fireplace where Emilia Clarke was waiting. He explained the situation to her.

Emilia: "Can't you just work for them in-between seasons?"

Narrator: *moment of realization* "Yes, I could do that." *picks up phone* "Hello, Gov. Agents, I decided to accept your offer. Provided I only work in-between seasons and during strikes."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As people can't breath water, Count Balerion's Architects constructed several underwater cities. Most of these were based on failed ideologies - one based on Objectivism, one based on Maoism, one based on Jacobinism, one based on Bedforditism, etc. - and all of them had major drug and crime problems as well such as corruption and squalor. 

The Boating Industry took off, but nothing else did.