Theda Baratheon Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Thanks guys sometimes i feel a bit silly posing in this thread because i feel some of the stuff i have problems with are common sense basic shit that i should already know and understand but its difficult when genuinely feeling gets in the way and i felt actual anxiety when he was asking me out again Something a friend said to me the other work has been lingering in the back of my head and making me second guess myself and not panic but..feel a bit uneasy He was asking about my love life (i expect so he could lead into talking about his upcoming dates ) and he said in the past he has seen me with quite a few of the guys in work like hinting that i flirt and he could have seen me dating them and now i feel uneasy because i never would have considered myself flirty at all i always say i dont know how to flirt but now i think its just my natural friendliness and i worry im accidentally flirting with everyone and creeping them out especially customers buying dvds who i chat with...and its been making me analyse a lot of my interactions with peole which has made me super hyper aware and self loathing of my appearence constantly in case im accidentally flirting with someone and they are repulsed by me I dont understand why i have to be so messed up and weird in my thinkig processes but there we go...my friends comment just bugged me. Im feeling like hes making a joke about my 'love life' because AS IF i would have one lol and hes being serious and hinting i flirt with everyone ugh sorry rant over and it probably makes absolutely no sense either haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karaddin Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Lots of people in sales and retail have some mild level of flirtation in how they deal with customers, there's nothing wrong or offputting about it because fundamentally flirting is really just being happy and having fun. Even if you are flirting with customers and colleagues I wouldn't think anything of it and I'm sure it would have come up before now it was an issue, you are not coming across as creepy. When we were in London I didn't see you being overtly flirty with anyone, so I think any flirting that there is would really be at the ultra low level super acceptable kind if it's there at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wise Fool Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I think I'm over the need to date again. Maybe in another few years it'll pop up again, and I'll do the same pathetic routine, experience absolutely nothing but crushing loneliness and despair, and then be okay. Like some animal that just isn't... quite... dead. Keeps flapping about occasionally, needs a good firm bash to the skull. Ahhhh - peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datepalm Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 4 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said: Thanks guys sometimes i feel a bit silly posing in this thread because i feel some of the stuff i have problems with are common sense basic shit that i should already know and understand but its difficult when genuinely feeling gets in the way and i felt actual anxiety when he was asking me out again Something a friend said to me the other work has been lingering in the back of my head and making me second guess myself and not panic but..feel a bit uneasy He was asking about my love life (i expect so he could lead into talking about his upcoming dates ) and he said in the past he has seen me with quite a few of the guys in work like hinting that i flirt and he could have seen me dating them and now i feel uneasy because i never would have considered myself flirty at all i always say i dont know how to flirt but now i think its just my natural friendliness and i worry im accidentally flirting with everyone and creeping them out especially customers buying dvds who i chat with...and its been making me analyse a lot of my interactions with peole which has made me super hyper aware and self loathing of my appearence constantly in case im accidentally flirting with someone and they are repulsed by me I dont understand why i have to be so messed up and weird in my thinkig processes but there we go...my friends comment just bugged me. Im feeling like hes making a joke about my 'love life' because AS IF i would have one lol and hes being serious and hinting i flirt with everyone ugh sorry rant over and it probably makes absolutely no sense either haha FWIW, Theda, I think "naturally friendly" (and even "naturally a tad flirty") is a fairly great quality to have. It wouldn't be something people describe as flirty is it was weird/overboard/etc. To me it sounds like you're friendly and you're nice and you're doing something right, and probably more comfortable in your own skin - when you're not stressing out about it - than you realize. In the opposite of comfortably flirty, I now have a third PhD student to awkwardly text with! This one, phew, isn't Indian. He's Catalan. because that's a much more sensible place. Where do I find these people? Well, this one was found at a hummus place last week where I couldn't resist the sting to my pride of not identifying what language these guys were speaking (Catalan, as may be gathered) and struck up a conversation. Since he's new in town and only here for a few months (doing some PhD internship thing) I gave him my number with the intention of inviting him to a Friday dinner (a bulwark of Jerusalem social life) which I had a vague plan of doing with roomates and couchsurfers. Roomates were sick, couchsurfers cancelled, friends bailed, my parents moved my Dad's birthday party, in short - it didn't happen. Now he texted me asking if I'm doing anything his week - on a Sunday morning when any plan i've mentioned is set for Friday night. So...I wouldn't mind like asking him to just meet for coffee (either dateyishly or just to hang out...I have a lot of sympathy for being a person who doesn't speak the language in a new city right now and he seemed nice,) but would that be presumptous? How much does he get the kind of open-door hospitality cultural norm of a Jerusalem Friday dinner? It's a different invite. I feel like I need to engineer a social situation of some kind to invite him to, because who knows what I mean if I invite him to hang out just the two of us. On the other hand, the text I was just about to send - I'll let you know if we do anything this Friday - seems awfully cold. So. Dilemma. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tears of Lys Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Maybe ask him if there's any sites he'd like to visit with you as "tour guide" - keep it light and friendly, chummy. This keeps it during the day and in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toth Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 15 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said: Something a friend said to me the other work has been lingering in the back of my head and making me second guess myself and not panic but..feel a bit uneasy He was asking about my love life (i expect so he could lead into talking about his upcoming dates ) and he said in the past he has seen me with quite a few of the guys in work like hinting that i flirt and he could have seen me dating them and now i feel uneasy because i never would have considered myself flirty at all i always say i dont know how to flirt but now i think its just my natural friendliness and i worry im accidentally flirting with everyone and creeping them out especially customers buying dvds who i chat with...and its been making me analyse a lot of my interactions with peole which has made me super hyper aware and self loathing of my appearence constantly in case im accidentally flirting with someone and they are repulsed by me I dont understand why i have to be so messed up and weird in my thinkig processes but there we go...my friends comment just bugged me. Im feeling like hes making a joke about my 'love life' because AS IF i would have one lol and hes being serious and hinting i flirt with everyone ugh sorry rant over and it probably makes absolutely no sense either haha Well, neither knowing you nor knowing any more than what you tell us, this question makes it look like your friend simply observed that you feel comfortable around guys. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't think that has anything at all to do with being flirty, whatever that means anyway. But I see where your doubts come from, or at least I often catch myself worrying about the possibility of sending the wrong messages as well. In my case that comes partly through my upbringing. My mother is one of those people who believe that men and women cannot interact with each other without sexual attraction. So as a logical conclusion, if I am being friendly to a girl she thinks I want into her pants (of course that's her default interpretation whenever anyone of opposite gender interacts with each other). I don't share that view and it annoys me quite a lot, especially since for whatever reason more than half of my acquintainces happen to be female and I simply can't talk with my mother about my studies without applying a generic masculinum to them in order to avoid immediate repercussions in form of "Is she pretty?", "What do you like about her?", "How often do you see her?". Gah... anyways, my problem comes from the fact that being confronted with that nasty attitude of my mother I do happen to wonder whether the girls I interact with happen to share similar believes, therefore mistaking harmless smalltalk for some ulterior motive. I know that this is irrational thinking, in a manner not unlike yours, so I have no other recommendation other then... well, don't worry about it. I mean, if you 'accidentally flirt' I am fairly sure you will notice one way or another. And I have to admit despite my initial claims of complete disinterest in the matter of building up any kind of relationships, I, well, kinda had that accidental flirting thing happening to me back in the first semester. It was just some casual banter with a fellow student, but it somehow ended with me thinking 'Wait, did I actually said this that way?' where I phrased things a bit more suggestive than actually intended. And for some reason it ended with her head resting against my shoulder and me looking like . I successfully kept myself from interpreting too much into the situation and treated it like the harmless banter it was, so that I didn't threaten our getting along with each other. But my conclusion out of that situation is: If you happen to accidentally flirt with someone, you'll realize that you did more than just being friendly. So just keep being friendly and don't make yourself uncomfortable by policing your casual behaviour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datepalm Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 1 hour ago, Tears of Lys said: Maybe ask him if there's any sites he'd like to visit with you as "tour guide" - keep it light and friendly, chummy. This keeps it during the day and in public. ...yeah, one thing to another and it's coffee tommorrow evening if the snow doesn't shut the city down by then. (Having just gotten back from being alone in a foreign city for work for a couple months, I'm really sympathetic to his slightly desperate "I have no plans I know no one anything you suggest!" type text.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Thanks guys I feel silly for over thinking it now but I feel it's true that I'm just naturally friendly and comfortable around guys especially when discussing movies and similar interests. Just like I am comfortable around girls. I have friends who much prefer female company and I have plwnty of friends who are girls who are a bit nervous around other girls. I think I can be a little bit awkward and dorky and easily flustered in some situations and not completely at ease but for the most part I generally quite like interacting with people and being friendly. Thanks all. Dunno why I worry myself so much lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Tiger Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Alright, a mini-survey question for the dating thread posters. Now I have heard the topic of love come up a lot amongst friends and family, but I basically just date for physical attraction. I dont really believe in it, but I find it interesting to hear other people's takes on it. Do you folks believe in love? I am not talking about the love for close friends or close familly, off course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karaddin Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Is that only intended for people not currently in a relationship? I most certainly do, and would have answered the same before I met Brook. Before I'd experienced it myself is a harder question, and whether everyone is capable of feeling it? That I don't know. I'm far from a typical person, I won't assume my feelings are universal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melphis Amekia Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I do, my usual sarcasm on the topic notwithstanding. Not just that, I think people can romantically love more than one person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The guy from the Vale Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 To me, there are two answers to this question. The first one is a series of questions itself: What do you exactly mean by love? I found there are various stages of loving somebody. There's infatuation, partnership, caring, longing, desire. All of these manifest differently. So, which of these is it? Moreover, yes, love, in all those forms, and probably in many more, exists as an actual experience. I don't ascribe it any metaphysical qualities though; it's one feeling among many, one more trick our brains and hormones play with us, although a particularly strong and pleasant one. And just because it's tricking our minds doesn't mean we don't experience it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karaddin Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 1 hour ago, CorwinusJ said: I do, my usual sarcasm on the topic notwithstanding. Not just that, I think people can romantically love more than one person. I also agree with this last, which has been pretty important to the way my current relationship has evolved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuseprime Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 My recent dating life has been motivated purely by physical attraction. I'm new to my area, so most of how I meet women are either at bars or through Tinder/OkCupid. I don't really think about dating when I'm not at these settings. The whole "meet a girl at the bookstore" thing just isn't for me right now. I also have a strict "no co-workers" policy when it comes to dating. I've seen that fail time and again. That being said, I would say I believe in love. I can't say it's something that's happened recently, but I've experienced it. It's when you would do anything for that significant other, and you don't expect any form of reciprocity. It's the butterflies in your stomach. It's when you can't do anything but smile when that person is around. Love is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Tiger Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 5 hours ago, theguyfromtheVale said: To me, there are two answers to this question. The first one is a series of questions itself: What do you exactly mean by love? I found there are various stages of loving somebody. There's infatuation, partnership, caring, longing, desire. All of these manifest differently. So, which of these is it? 7 hours ago, karaddin said: Is that only intended for people not currently in a relationship? I most certainly do, and would have answered the same before I met Brook. Before I'd experienced it myself is a harder question, and whether everyone is capable of feeling it? That I don't know. I'm far from a typical person, I won't assume my feelings are universal. No, it's for everybody. The question was motivated by a question I asked some time ago. There's that old saying that once you don't actually need a relationship, you will find one, but I thought this was sorta weird, why commit lots of time and energy to something you have no need for? I had some relationships in the past where I didn't feel like I had a need for it, but just did it cause I wanted it and...well lets just say that walking away was not hard. So Kalbear replied and gave a laundry list of reasons such as having someone you can depend on, having someone you can be completely open with, a partner in financial times was another reasons I believe, but the only reason on his list that I cared about at the time was "the sex is a lot better" and now months and some non-platonic female interaction later it hasn't changed for me. I dunno man, maybe it will in the future, but that's what motivated the question. But I understand why others would value all those traits Kal pointed out and I was curious to know your thoughts, so I asked the question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Marquis de Leech Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Got another rejection. Oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Tiger Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 1 hour ago, Roose Boltons Pet Leech said: Got another rejection. Oh well. Its a number's game, don't let it get to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aniel Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 18 hours ago, Red Tiger said: Alright, a mini-survey question for the dating thread posters. Now I have heard the topic of love come up a lot amongst friends and family, but I basically just date for physical attraction. I dont really believe in it, but I find it interesting to hear other people's takes on it. Do you folks believe in love? I am not talking about the love for close friends or close familly, off course. Of course I believe in love. I started falling for my SO before I saw his face, and we got engaged before we'd met IRL. So physical attraction wasn't that big a deal with regards to the whole "falling in love thing". I will however admit to being relieved when he turned out to be attractive One feeling I've never experienced is the "butterflies in stomach" thing. I think the closest is when I was waiting at the airport for him for the first time. I felt really happy, faint, ready to cry, and nauseous. Not all at once, one feeling replaced the other and so on. I wouldn't call that butterflies, myself. I went back to Sweden after my month-long visit on Friday. Let's just say there were copious amounts of tears from both of us. So that's another love thing, I'd say. And feeling sad when the one you love is sad. At the last minute we planned another visit for October as his sister is getting married on the first, and his birthday is two weeks afterward and we no longer have to follow the schedule of the school year. But that visit is only in case his residence permit isn't granted before that. One of the hardest parts of long distance relationships is not knowing when you'll see each other next. If you do have plans, then you can at least count the days... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I believe in love. I mean...I watch tons and tons of romantic comedies and romantic films and I totally believe in it. But other than strong and fierce love for my family and friends I've never really experienced romantic love. I've never been in love. I have had crushes and mild pining over people but even then it's shallow feeling, kinda weak. I guess I'm definitely a romantic but I've never felt it yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polishgenius Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I believe in a thing called love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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