Dating: a thing people are forced to do that no ethics committee would allow

[Aniel]

2 hours ago, Kay Fury said:

Aniel- your boyfriend is an adult. His mother is allowing him to live with her, I assume for free. She sometimes pays for his food and his gas despite having financial difficulty of her own. She has every right to go on all the dates she wants and spend every cent of her money however she wants. She owes your boyfriend nothing and is doing way more already than she needs to. Your boyfriend is an adult and if he doesn't have everything he needs it is NOBODY'S responsibility but his own to make sure he gets it. I have no idea why the two of you feel he is so entitled to handouts from his mother. He is not. He is the one who dropped out of school because he didn't want more debt without first having a job. That was his choice (and possibly not a great one), all consequences of it are his, nobody else's.

Once again, he doesn't care that she's dating. As in he doesn't mind. He's upset that she didn't follow through on a promise. And I already said this, in the post that you quoted, but there's probably a cultural difference here. I (I alone, not my boyfriend) am practically outraged at how callously she treats him, because MY parents did not. The only person I've heard of whose parents did not continue to provide for them when they became an adult is my dad - and that was 44 years ago. Frankly, the fact that people act like my boyfriend is an entitled little brat because he asks for assistance while he's doing everything in his power to get his own income is baffling to me. That said, these are the things my boyfriend feels she owes him: Love and kindness and support. He does not feel entitled to handouts from her, in fact he hates handouts and owing people things, mostly due to the fact that when his mom actually does something for him she holds it over his head forever. He isn't some 30-year-old dude living in his mother's basement siphoning her money so that he can play WoW. He does everything she asks him to, whether they're small household tasks or setting up her new TV. I'm the one who feels he's entitled to food and financial help. Not him. But hey, I don't live in America. The fricking state paid for me to go to school.

As for the whole dropping out of school thing without having a job first, it was not a premeditated move. He wanted to stay in school, he really did. But when the news that his scholarship would cease to even exist broke, he had to. And he only had maybe two weeks to do it since he found out during Christmas. It took him four weeks to get a job. That's not an insanely long time. He's going to start paying for food and rent as soon as he starts getting paid, as well as pay off the car his mom bought him/his little sister (since he's leaving the country, this was to aid in him getting a job he and his little sister will in the end pay for the entire car themselves). Whenever we get a "Yes" from the Swedish Migration Agency and he's gotten on a plane to come live with me he'll be out of her hair forever. And that'll likely happen sometime around this summer. Everyone will have a happy ending then.

[Red Tiger]

1 hour ago, Aniel said:

Once again, he doesn't care that she's dating. As in he doesn't mind. He's upset that she didn't follow through on a promise. And I already said this, in the post that you quoted, but there's probably a cultural difference here. I (I alone, not my boyfriend) am practically outraged at how callously she treats him, because MY parents did not. The only person I've heard of whose parents did not continue to provide for them when they became an adult is my dad - and that was 44 years ago. Frankly, the fact that people act like my boyfriend is an entitled little brat because he asks for assistance while he's doing everything in his power to get his own income is baffling to me. That said, these are the things my boyfriend feels she owes him: Love and kindness and support. He does not feel entitled to handouts from her, in fact he hates handouts and owing people things, mostly due to the fact that when his mom actually does something for him she holds it over his head forever. He isn't some 30-year-old dude living in his mother's basement siphoning her money so that he can play WoW. He does everything she asks him to, whether they're small household tasks or setting up her new TV. I'm the one who feels he's entitled to food and financial help. Not him. But hey, I don't live in America. The fricking state paid for me to go to school.

As for the whole dropping out of school thing without having a job first, it was not a premeditated move. He wanted to stay in school, he really did. But when the news that his scholarship would cease to even exist broke, he had to. And he only had maybe two weeks to do it since he found out during Christmas. It took him four weeks to get a job. That's not an insanely long time. He's going to start paying for food and rent as soon as he starts getting paid, as well as pay off the car his mom bought him/his little sister (since he's leaving the country, this was to aid in him getting a job he and his little sister will in the end pay for the entire car themselves). Whenever we get a "Yes" from the Swedish Migration Agency and he's gotten on a plane to come live with me he'll be out of her hair forever. And that'll likely happen sometime around this summer. Everyone will have a happy ending then.

This does not sound like the foundation of a productive and fruitful relationship. If im wrong, more power to you guys, but man oh man.

[Aniel]

16 minutes ago, Red Tiger said:

This does not sound like the foundation of a productive and fruitful relationship. If im wrong, more power to you guys, but man oh man.

This has got more to do with his relationship with his mother, than ours. During the four years we've been together the greatest challenge has been the distance, if only because it's frustrating we can't be together whenever we want. If you're worried I'm going to coddle him when he comes here, I'm not. I'm not a coddling person, and he knows that. I already noted I agree with his mom on several points, but I try to be more supportive. And he does the same for me.

[Theda Baratheon]

18 minutes ago, Aniel said:

This has got more to do with his relationship with his mother, than ours. During the four years we've been together the greatest challenge has been the distance, if only because it's frustrating we can't be together whenever we want. If you're worried I'm going to coddle him when he comes here, I'm not. I'm not a coddling person, and he knows that. I already noted I agree with his mom on several points, but I try to be more supportive. And he does the same for me.

Don't feel you need to explain yourself or your relationship. I actually might be an entitled little shit but I keep parents should definitely try and help out their own kids as much as they can...they are the ones who chose to have us and bring us into this freaking world and I don't think food and occassional gas money is all that much to ask for when your boyfriend is obviously being proactive and looking for jobs. I don't think parents should look after their kids forever and do EVERYTHING for them but like you my parents are of the view that they should help me when I am struggling. I am currentlt workig part time and looking for a second job or a full time job and they are asking no money from me at the moment. I am 21. 22 in a couple months. I am not taking them for granted and I cried the other day and told my Dad I was so grateful for him letting me live here and he was so shocked and just answered "well this is your home...you are always welcome here" they know I am not taking the piss and I have goals for the future and are more than happy to help me achieve them. I don't agree with the harshness of the tone levelled against you in this thread but maybe we are just from similar families. I'm british and  definitely not the only one of my friends living with parents. 

[lessthanluke]

8 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

. I actually might be an entitled little shit but I keep parents should definitely try and help out their own kids as much as they can...they are the ones who chose to have us and bring us into this freaking world

Oh I totally agree with this. The idea that parents should just stop helping their kids at all when they turn an arbitary age is baffling to me. 

[IamMe90]

5 hours ago, Kay Fury said:

Aniel- your boyfriend is an adult. His mother is allowing him to live with her, I assume for free. She sometimes pays for his food and his gas despite having financial difficulty of her own. She has every right to go on all the dates she wants and spend every cent of her money however she wants. She owes your boyfriend nothing and is doing way more already than she needs to. Your boyfriend is an adult and if he doesn't have everything he needs it is NOBODY'S responsibility but his own to make sure he gets it. I have no idea why the two of you feel he is so entitled to handouts from his mother. He is not. He is the one who dropped out of school because he didn't want more debt without first having a job. That was his choice (and possibly not a great one), all consequences of it are his, nobody else's.

I dunno, I think allowing your celiac adult child to live with you but then refusing to buy him gluten free food is a sign that you may be a shitty person who may very well be as emotionally abusive as Aniel is saying. 

I agree with Theda. Doesn't seem like the boyfriend is being particularly leechy, I mean he already found a job in 4 weeks, that's impressive for anyone. I don't think anyone is saying that his mom is legally obligated to let him live in her house, but given that she has, I think the behavior Aniel is documenting is pretty bad and not exemplary parenting, regardless of the child's age.

[Aniel]

15 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Don't feel you need to explain yourself or your relationship. I actually might be an entitled little shit but I keep parents should definitely try and help out their own kids as much as they can...they are the ones who chose to have us and bring us into this freaking world and I don't think food and occassional gas money is all that much to ask for when your boyfriend is obviously being proactive and looking for jobs. I don't think parents should look after their kids forever and do EVERYTHING for them but like you my parents are of the view that they should help me when I am struggling. I am currentlt workig part time and looking for a second job or a full time job and they are asking no money from me at the moment. I am 21. 22 in a couple months. I am not taking them for granted and I cried the other day and told my Dad I was so grateful for him letting me live here and he was so shocked and just answered "well this is your home...you are always welcome here" they know I am not taking the piss and I have goals for the future and are more than happy to help me achieve them. I don't agree with the harshness of the tone levelled against you in this thread but maybe we are just from similar families. I'm british and  definitely not the only one of my friends living with parents. 

Thank you Theda. I realize I came off as very whiny and pretty rude against his mother in my first post, so I guess that's why my post was received so poorly. I've tried to keep from posting too much about his mom in the past, but I figured that since she effectively screwed his chances of getting a really well-paid job I could rant a bit. I guess I was wrong XD

3 minutes ago, IamMe90 said:

I dunno, I think allowing your celiac adult child to live with you but then refusing to buy him gluten free food is a sign that you may be a shitty person who may very well be as emotionally abusive as Aniel is saying. 

I agree with Theda. Doesn't seem like the boyfriend is being particularly leechy, I mean he already found a job in 4 weeks, that's impressive for anyone. I don't think anyone is saying that his mom is legally entitled to let him live in her house, but given that she has, I think the behavior Aniel is documenting is pretty bad and not exemplary parenting, regardless of the child's age.

When I told my mom about there being no glutenfree food for him to eat, she was stunned. I'm pretty sure she would've tried to adopt him if he wasn't an adult given all the things I've told her about both his parents. The times we've seen him off at the airport she's cried almost as much as I have.

[Theda Baratheon]

You can rant here whenever you want. Just we only have your previous posts to go on so sometimes unfair observations can be made if we are only going on a few posts but I don't think you came across as whiny or rude

[Lily Valley]

3 minutes ago, lessthanluke said:

Oh I totally agree with this. The idea that parents should just stop helping their kids at all when they turn an arbitary age is baffling to me. 

I still pay the baby's rent (yes, he's back to "the baby" now because I am paying his rent).

37 minutes ago, Aniel said:

This has got more to do with his relationship with his mother, than ours. During the four years we've been together the greatest challenge has been the distance, if only because it's frustrating we can't be together whenever we want. If you're worried I'm going to coddle him when he comes here, I'm not. I'm not a coddling person, and he knows that. I already noted I agree with his mom on several points, but I try to be more supportive. And he does the same for me.

Some of your situation smacks worrisome to me as a mum.  The trip and that money might have been better budgeted by your SO if he had a specific allowance.  I am supporting a teenager right now who is an "adult" and he frequently makes very bad decisions with the money I give him.  His answer is always "excuse excuse problem problem".  This does not stop me from helping him out, but many of us here are accustomed to dealing with people who refuse to take any personal responsibility for their hardships.  The flak you are getting is because many of us have been taken advantage of by such people.  I certainly hope your SO is not one of them.  

In addition, 4 weeks is not that long to look for work.  I was unemployed for over 9 months the last time I lost a job.  I have friends with excellent resumes and degrees who are having to tour the US right now looking for work.  Hang in there.  If he found work this quickly, he is very lucky.

Your SO's mum doesn't sound very nice.  I hope he gets out of there as soon as possible and I wish you well.  Good luck to him with the new job.

 

[Aniel]

1 hour ago, Theda Baratheon said:

 

[Aniel]

9 minutes ago, Lily Valley said:

I still pay the baby's rent (yes, he's back to "the baby" now because I am paying his rent).

Some of your situation smacks worrisome to me as a mum.  The trip and that money might have been better budgeted by your SO if he had a specific allowance.  I am supporting a teenager right now who is an "adult" and he frequently makes very bad decisions with the money I give him.  His answer is always "excuse excuse problem problem".  This does not stop me from helping him out, but many of us here are accustomed to dealing with people who refuse to take any personal responsibility for their hardships.  The flak you are getting is because many of us have been taken advantage of by such people.  I certainly hope your SO is not one of them.  

In addition, 4 weeks is not that long to look for work.  I was unemployed for over 9 months the last time I lost a job.  I have friends with excellent resumes and degrees who are having to tour the US right now looking for work.  Hang in there.  If he found work this quickly, he is very lucky.

Your SO's mum doesn't sound very nice.  I hope he gets out of there as soon as possible and I wish you well.  Good luck to him with the new job.

 

Yeah, he doesn't have an allowance. He used to get money for food while at Uni, but no longer obviously. Back then he budgeted it as well as he could under the circumstances (which basically included not eating for a couple of days in a row). Every time he thinks of buying something (even food! I have had to tell him to buy food for himself) he thinks for at least two days and asks me for my opinion, and often follows my advice (which is usually "save money" - I'm basically a dragon hoarding money). Regarding taking responsibility for things, I'm not worried he won't ever do so. He has a tendency of blaming himself when things don't go right, which I suppose is kind of whiny, but he's probably more responsible about a lot of stuff than I am.

Apparently he's gotten 7 interviews and 5 job offers, including the job he took. I have no idea when all those offers came, but it's astounding. I was looking for a job for a year before I got one. In that year I had maybe 4 interviews, but my resume is essentially "I went to school".

[Arkhangel]

It sounds like a very unhealthy and unhappy living situation for both of them. If his new job pays 4k a month though, depending on cost of living wherever he is, once he starts work he can afford to move out, right?

[Arkhangel]

In on-topic news, I had a fun date at a parkour course today. Nice guy, but downside is that he is in the military and I am a left-centre-leftie who thinks it's appalling that we're increasing military budgets whilst cutting social services. A+ activity buddy, though.

[Aniel]

7 hours ago, Arkhangel said:

It sounds like a very unhealthy and unhappy living situation for both of them. If his new job pays 4k a month though, depending on cost of living wherever he is, once he starts work he can afford to move out, right?

Agreed. Unfortunately he did not make the interview for that job due to some scheduling issue with one he was already hired for (that one is barely over minimum wage, so he was hoping he could get the other one instead). They told him he'd get off at noon several days ago and then when he came in they told him 2pm. But at least he'll be able to pay for stuff at home until he can come here.

[Wise Fool]

Do they even have free dating websites anymore? I remember years back I used Spark.com. It's still there, but you have to get like a paid subscription to be able to message anyone else. Lame.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

9 minutes ago, Wise Fool said:

Do they even have free dating websites anymore? I remember years back I used Spark.com. It's still there, but you have to get like a paid subscription to be able to message anyone else. Lame.

OKcupid and plentyoffish?

[IamMe90]

48 minutes ago, Wise Fool said:

Do they even have free dating websites anymore? I remember years back I used Spark.com. It's still there, but you have to get like a paid subscription to be able to message anyone else. Lame.

OKCupid is probably the most indepth free dating website. Never used plentyoffish. 

[The guy from the Vale]

Date #3 set for this evening. Can I say I'm excited? 'Cause I totally am.

[Datepalm]

I'm meeting this guy for coffee next week. We seem to have hit it off when he lent me a book and I thought he was rather cute in being an obsessive nazi about getting it back. Naturally, we're meeting to talk about research.

At least he's not Indian. Or doing a phd. Post-doc is really expanding my range - he invited me to take his class. Headdesk. Can I possibly meet some people who are less smart and also less stupid at the same time? Somewhere?

[Theda Baratheon]

Oh my god. The guy I've had to turn down twice (the last time v recently) came into my store today...it is a TINY. FUCKING. STORE. TINY. Not like my Cardiff store which was HUGE and he was in there for well over an hour. He was with a girl so I don't know why I was so embaraassed and surprised bbecause it's the only HMV in cornwall and hes a gigantic movie fan so...but my god my face went red hot for a good three hours today and i DONT KNOW WHY??? i was like trying to be so casual like i didnt see him and doing weird routes around the syore so i didnt bump into him christ im surprised i didnt chuck in a few ninja rolls into my insane behaviour today...the lengths nervous people will go to to try to avoid embarassment and a tiny bit of nervousness is just ridiculous man...