Short parenting survey - parents and non-parents please respond!

[Kalbear]

Hey guys - as part of a side project I have I'm doing a survey on parenting goals and choices. For this, simply answer A or B with comma separated answers, like this: B,A,B,B. No need to quote the questions or anything like this. Assume that this is about your children. 

For those of you who have seen this survey before I ask you to not say anything that might skew the results. 

Thanks!

For all of these answers, assume the question starts with "Please tell me which one you think is more important for a child to have:"

A) independence or B ) respect for elders?

A) self-reliance or B )obedience?

A) to be considerate or B ) to be well-behaved?

A) curiosity or B ) good manners?

[sologdin]

A^4

[Knute]

A,A,A,A

[Dr. Pepper]

My goal would be Ax4

[The Mance]

a,a,a,a

[Ser Scot A Ellison]

12 minutes ago, Kalbear said:

Hey guys - as part of a side project I have I'm doing a survey on parenting goals and choices. For this, simply answer A or B with comma separated answers, like this: B,A,B,B. No need to quote the questions or anything like this.

For those of you who have seen this survey before I ask you to not say anything that might skew the results. 

Thanks!

For all of these answers, assume the question starts with "Please tell me which one you think is more important for a child to have:"

A) independence or B ) respect for elders?

A) self-reliance or B )obedience?

A) to be considerate or B ) to be well-behaved?

A) curiosity or B ) good manners?

A, A, A, A

But in fairness, I don't think any of the choices presented are mutually exclusive.  As such, depending upon context I would hope my children have all of these characteristics.

[Humble AK]

Quadruple A where the options conflict.

[Balefont]

A, A, A, A 

[The Mance]

The only B column options I would necessarily value at all would be 'good manners', to the extent that it means civility and politeness, as opposed to formal etiquettes.  And if 'respect for elders' was qualified to 'respect for experience' I might even choose that over 'independence'.  

[Lany Freelove Cassandra]

A,A,A,both

[DanteGabriel]

A, A, A, A (But really good manners are pretty damn important too)

What a bunch of crunchy liberals we are.

[Isalie]

AAAA

[Ormond]

I have a hard time with the questions partly because I don't know what age "child" they are talking about. I would answer the first two questions differently depending on whether I'm thinking about a three year old or a teenager. I tend to go with "B" on the first two questions for the three year old but would definitely go for A when thinking about a teenager.

I'd always go for A on the third question -- though for the life of me I don't understand how you could have a child who was "considerate" who was not also "well-behaved." To me being "well-behaved" as a child is one of the subfactors in being "considerate."

I also really see curiosity and good manners as both being really important. If forced I would go with A -- and think I would always have done so -- but I don't like having to make that choice. 

[Kalbear]

2 minutes ago, The Great Unwashed said:

Can I request clarification as to the difference between being "considerate" and having "good manners"?  My initial thought is that having good manners is a subset of being considerate, such as allowing a person to finish speaking before you speak, etc.

Since they're not opposed to each other they can be whatever you consider more important compared to the other. 

[Kalbear]

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I'd always go for A on the third question -- though for the life of me I don't understand how you could have a child who was "considerate" who was not also "well-behaved." To me being "well-behaved" as a child is one of the subfactors in being "considerate."

Being considerate isn't always about being well-behaved. For instance, my son will go over and pet a baby that is crying. Many parents would not consider that particularly well-behaved (touching babies without permission) but it absolutely shows consideration. 

[Dr. Pepper]

Kalbear, I'm actually curious your thought process behind the wording of the B column.  There are different connotations between "respect your elders" and "be respectful", for example.  Respect for elders can sometimes have negative connotations as it suggests to behave a certain way regardless of how you're treated because it's specifically the age that's respected rather than the person.  Whereas be respectful is more of a blanket trait and includes the self such that if an older person is treating you poorly, it would be appropriate to stand up for yourself, even if in a kind or polite way.

Speaking of kind and polite.  "Have good manners" and "well behaved" and even "obedience" also have that sort of negative feelings about it. One gets a sense of these things being static or inflexible, which shouldn't be the case as behaviors considered well behaved and good mannered can be very cultural.  An example mentioned above, touching babies without permission can be ill-mannered in some instances but well-mannered in others.  So I guess that's why I feel some of column B have more negative connotations.  Perhaps considerate or polite or kind  or respectful would be better terms for these same ideas as they offer more flexibility and perhaps encourage one to examine what behaviors are acceptable in a given space.  

Well, this was just a long winded and rambling way of me asking why you chose the words you chose for these columns.  

[MisterOJ]

As with most things, my opinion lines up with Ormond. 

I'm in the process of raising two girls. They're currently 10 and 11 (almost 12) and my answers are shifting due to their reasoning ability. A 3-year-old doesn't have the same reasoning ability as a preteen. You just can't have the same kind of conversations with them at that age as you can when they're older. So, for a young child - say, preschool age, my answer would be more closely to B,B,B,B.

At some point though (and my own kids are moving into this area) children should start to question things a bit. They should start being more independent and thinking for themselves, instead of just taking everything I tell them as the gospel truth and so on. 

[Kalbear]

6 minutes ago, The Great Unwashed said:

Damn, I mixed up questions 3 and 4.  I meant to ask the difference between being considerate and being well-behaved.  My initial reaction is that being considerate and being well-behaved go hand-in-hand.

Not necessarily at all. As the example I gave is an example. Another would be someone who was deeply worried about someone who got hurt on stage during a play; a well-behaved child might not do anything at all because they know they're supposed to sit still or let others do things. Also think about things like hugging or crying openly at things - which are usually not well-behaved behaviors in children. 

While I think a lot of these can go hand in hand together, think about situations when they differ - and which you would prefer.

Quote

Well, this was just a long winded and rambling way of me asking why you chose the words you chose for these columns. 

The choices are deliberate. Respectful isn't the same as respecting your elders. Obedience is not the same thing as kindness. And I would state that while you might have negative connotations towards these words, others will have positive connotations for the same thing. 

Quote

I agree Ormond, and I'd also make the distinction that my answers would differ based on the child's relation to me.  My answers would most likely change depending on whether the child is my child, as I would assume based on the post headline (parenting survey), or whether it's my belief on what characteristics a generic child should have, which I would assume from the actual survey question. 

Assume for the sake of the survey that this is how you would want to raise your own child. 

[The Mance]

10 minutes ago, Kalbear said:

Assume for the sake of the survey that this is how you would want to raise your own child.

I also assumed that these are values or characteristics that we'd like to instill in our kids for them to carry into adulthood.  I hadn't considered Ormond's age distinction, though, and agree that I might weigh my answers differently based on immediate parenting necessity vs. eventual character growth.

 

Did you have an age range in mind for these questions, Kal?

[Kalbear]

1 minute ago, The Mance said:

I also assumed that these are values or characteristics that we'd like to instill in our kids for them to carry into adulthood.  I hadn't considered Ormond's age distinction, though, and agree that I might weigh my answers differently based on immediate parenting necessity vs. eventual character growth.

 

Did you have an age range in mind for these questions, Kal?

Not particularly. I guess I had thought about prior to teenagerdom, but it can be really whatever you choose.