Ravenhair Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 1 hour ago, litechick said: Be nice to the new person. I know it is friendly raillery but a person with 6 posts may not. I don't know what to do. My hook-up guy is interested in something much more serious than me. Basic info: I am 44, soon to be 45 and I have never been in a serious relationship. I'm pretty comfortable being a confirmed spinster. I am comfortable saying, 'it's nice to have a man around and I like you but I will not fall in love with you.' I feel like it is still true that women are expected to attach emotionally to someone she is having sex with and I won't attach just because of the sex. I think he is the guy from the Sex and the City meme, Men are Like Cabs. I don't want to be that random person he dates at precisely the moment that he is willing to commit. But I also know that a woman who won't commit is considered a cold bitch. A man who won't commit is just a typical man but a woman who won't commit is somehow a bad person. It doesn't matter if we all agree that is an unjust double standard, in the socio-political sense, that's the way it is. For my own selfish pleasure I don't want to end this but I think that the longer it goes on the more he is going to hate me when he realizes I am not going to fall in love with him. So what do I do? End it in order to protect both of us or let it go until he figures it out for himself? (and then hope he doesn't get too nasty with that realization?) It depends on what you want. If you want him to stay around, then you will be nebulous about your willingness to commit. If you state that you like spending time with him, but you are not a person for whom commitment is a desirable goal, then he may go, or he may stay for awhile believing that he will sway you (because, as you note, the horrible societal expectation is that all women want a commitment). If he is indeed experiencing one level of emotion while you are not and will not, he will be hurt. There's not really much you can do to change that fact, so treat him ethically as you would want to be treated if you were in his situation (so much easier said than done). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 7 hours ago, balvinder said: i khow i have no right to ask.. but i generally ask.... sorry if u feel wrong. my intention was not hurting anyone.... Hello and welcome this is a friendly topic (mostly) don't feel sorry. We were just not sure who you were asking Kara i cant be sure but that cup looks around 1500 BCE maybe??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I am pretty sure I saw a picture of that cup before. Theda must be more competent to date it, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karaddin Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 7 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said: Kara i cant be sure but that cup looks around 1500 BCE maybe??? I think the range I saw was 1200-1650, you know your stuff. You're hired! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 43 minutes ago, karaddin said: I think the range I saw was 1200-1650, you know your stuff. You're hired! Oh man really?? I totally pulled that date out of my ass LMAO go me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 I think the woman known as Josie might have feelings for me but I'm not sure if I'm in a position to do something about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ummester Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 1 hour ago, Arch-MaesterPhilip said: I think the woman known as Josie might have feelings for me but I'm not sure if I'm in a position to do something about it. So what's her real name, when she isn't known as Josie? If she has feelings for you, it is more likely that she would use her real name. Though, a long time ago, I bedded another under an alias, so it is possible she wants to be Josie with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Josie is his codename for her, not a codename she uses with him (... or is it? dun dun dun). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 I'm curious about why you would lie to someone you were sleeping with about your name, though. Are you called Englebert, or do you have the same name as one of her exes? Because that can be a problem - one of my exes has a very common name and that has ruled out swathes of the male population at a stroke based solely on the fact that it's too weird for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
balvinder Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 13 hours ago, Mandy said: Nooooo it's fine - it was just an honest question, I wasn't sure who you wanted to hear from. I'll pretty much tell you anything you want to know and be embarrassingly honest at all times, so ask away! I was married for 10 years, have 3 kids and yes I dated afterwards. I was in one year-long, one 2 year-long and one 3-year long relationship, and then I had a span of about 2 years where I just went on one or two dates with people, never finding anyone I clicked with or who lasted long. oh.. so try one date with me. i m sure this date will b last long for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ummester Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 18 minutes ago, Arkhangel said: I'm curious about why you would lie to someone you were sleeping with about your name, though. Are you called Englebert, or do you have the same name as one of her exes? Because that can be a problem - one of my exes has a very common name and that has ruled out swathes of the male population at a stroke based solely on the fact that it's too weird for me. Englebert is a pretty impressive name, missed opportunity with my sons... Only time I used a false name it was a mates - started as a joke and just didn't know when to end it. I dated a girl who had an ex with my name and she complained about him to me - what was funny is that I also had an ex with her name but she didn't like me mentioning that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The guy from the Vale Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 Suddenly, I feel very happy about having such a rare first name Date this week had to be cancelled by her. Two weeks without dates.. meh, but I guess it was mostly bad luck. Three time's the charm! (Or so I tell myself) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 On 3/10/2016 at 11:45 PM, litechick said: I don't know what to do. My hook-up guy is interested in something much more serious than me. This happened frequently to me when I was single, because I was not interested in any commitment and everyone around me was looking to settle down. (To this day, I am still surprised I got married, because I was totally uninterested in the whole enterprise.) All I can say is this: be honest and up-front with him, without being mean. It's up to him if he wants to continue the relationship under those terms. To me, that's the only ethical way to go about a situation like this. If he gets super-clingy, then I think you might have to end it yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 7 hours ago, ummester said: So what's her real name, when she isn't known as Josie? If she has feelings for you, it is more likely that she would use her real name. Though, a long time ago, I bedded another under an alias, so it is possible she wants to be Josie with you. That is her codename for the purposes of this thread. We don't use real names here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Valley Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 On 3/5/2016 at 4:02 PM, Datepalm said: Also, guy is a physicist. Counter-intuitively, therefore, my experience of terrible flirting with men in academic disciplines now runs, roughly, physics<chemistry<biology<economics<history in increasing order of total nerd cliche awkwardness. If anyone has further research to contribute, I suspect I know the people who will take it seriously. And all of them < Engineering. Go for it. Dating physicists is awesome. On 3/5/2016 at 4:08 PM, Ded As Ned said: As a degreed physicist myself (even though my day job is in engineering, because bills to pay) <snip> Give the guy a fair shake. I did not know you were a physicist. I am also although I now teach as I am semi-retired. I am VERY SORRY that you are having to work with engineers. Working with engineers is the worst. On 3/10/2016 at 10:45 PM, litechick said: <snip> But I also know that a woman who won't commit is considered a cold bitch. A man who won't commit is just a typical man but a woman who won't commit is somehow a bad person. It doesn't matter if we all agree that is an unjust double standard, in the socio-political sense, that's the way it is. For my own selfish pleasure I don't want to end this but I think that the longer it goes on the more he is going to hate me when he realizes I am not going to fall in love with him. So what do I do? End it in order to protect both of us or let it go until he figures it out for himself? (and then hope he doesn't get too nasty with that realization?) X-ray already nailed this. As long as you're being honest, then his feelings are his responsibility. I've been in similar situations and also had the reverse situation. I've only ended things with someone who was more interested than I was if their behavior started making me uncomfortable. I've ended things with someone I like too much when my own feelings were getting hurt. The cold bitch thing is bullshit. Who else are men going to have all of their good-time NSA sex with? My last date was cancelled because I was under the weather. I come from a household that taught me to keep the germs to myself. We're having some apocalyptic rain this weekend, so who knows when I'll be able to reschedule. I'm having a hard time mustering the energy. I hate dating, but miss sex. It's a shame that craigslist isn't safer for women. My other prospect right now is a friend's recent ex. She's really busy, but we've been texting and trading boob pictures. I'm a little worried about this one because my friend is super territorial. I think it might be too soon. A mutual friend advised me to wait until my friend found a new girlfriend. She's a serial monogamist and it won't take long based on past experience. OTOH, my friend initiated the break-up and is TOTALLY done. In addition, I've had a crush on this girl for YEARS and don't want to pass up a shot to court her. :grumbles: Stupid lesbian politics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ded As Ned Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 13 minutes ago, Lily Valley said: I did not know you were a physicist. I am also although I now teach as I am semi-retired. I am VERY SORRY that you are having to work with engineers. Working with engineers is the worst. Haha well I have BS in Physics and another in Mechanical Engineering... i'm not a practicing physicist but I keep with the field (primarily what's gonig on at CERN and in astrophysics/astronomy). Physics was my first degree but I wasn't really interested in going for the PhD, and didn't want to teach, and didn't want to move halfway across the country (or world) for work... none of these issues occurred to me while I was working on said degree. So I went back to pick up the bachelor's in engineering , since I already had the gen eds and math done from the physics program, it only took 4 semesters. Engineers are an eccentric bunch for sure. Deadpool Girl and I are trying to set something up for next weekend, but nothing else new to report there. We're still talking daily for the most part. We have to work around the UK basketball schedule this time of year... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Valley Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Accidentally wound up on a date last night with the friend's ex. Let's call her Mayday 'cause I really like this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 3 hours ago, Lily Valley said: Accidentally wound up on a date last night with the friend's ex. Let's call her Mayday 'cause I really like this one. Accidentally you say? I'd love to hear details. I'm glad for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ded As Ned Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Like I tell the boys all the time... accidents happen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toth Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 On 5.3.2016 at 11:02 PM, Datepalm said: Counter-intuitively, therefore, my experience of terrible flirting with men in academic disciplines now runs, roughly, physics<chemistry<biology<economics<history in increasing order of total nerd cliche awkwardness. If anyone has further research to contribute, I suspect I know the people who will take it seriously. Heh. Being a teacher for Computer Science and History where the heck do I fit in that spectrum? XD Okay, outside, obviously. As in 'not even bothering to look out for a certain somebody'. But that's just me. Regarding my fellow students I can't really judge them. They are all kinds of people. Some of the computer scientists are reclusives like one could assume, but others are extremely outgoing and would normaly count as the 'cool kids'. The same with the history students. Only difference I noticed is that you won't find even one single among the latter. I am currently just here because I was recently sitting in a train parked at its starting station, overhearing the discussion of a couple of Middle School boys. One of them was loudly complaining why it went so bloody fast with the others and their girlfriends while he is still stuck in that whole 'dating' thing for a week now, even though he just wants into her pants. At least one of the boys had the decency to react a little offended, but the others just joked about it, seemingly sharing the attitude. Seriously, that's the stuff I'm missing out on?!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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