Dating: Hell is Other People

[Lily Valley]

Had an awesome date last night with Mayday.  Read books and she cooked dinner.  I ate mine and half of hers.  We watched three episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt while the dogs tried to hog the couch.  Awesome. 

Also, I must note that buying a kindle to read with is the best decision ever.  Totally permits me to cuddle with and sleep with people who turn off all the lights at night.  I used to end up on the couch all the time.

[Buckwheat]

So there is a lets say, "boyfriend candidate". He seems very eager to, um, stay in contact. On the other hand, I have some little doubts and am not quite entirely sure this is what I want. I am missing that feeling that I had before: when you feel like your chest is going to burst of happiness and the world will end if the whole thing ends etc. I am not sure that should be here, and I am sure I should not be comparing the whole thing to what was before (I keep telling myself not to compare - not really succeeding). Ah well, I am sure I am overthinking things as usual and everything will be fine, I am just not sure how it is going to work out.

I cannot really afford to be picky, can I, now?

[HexMachina]

You might not feel as strongly for this new man, but I think you should still keep seeing him a few more times if you do like him. Feelings aren't always instantaneous, and things might develop between you both in subsequent dates. Or they might not, but you don't really lose anything by seeing him again 

[The guy from the Vale]

I think it really boils down to whether or not you enjoy his company. As long as you do, I see no problem with you continuing to see him. He may not be quite Prince Charming, but as Helena said, things can develop over time just fine.

Of course, if you do not enjoy his company, feel free to tell him to not bother any longer

[dreem24]

3 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I cannot really afford to be picky, can I, now?

You can(anyone can as for the results the differ). 

Correct me if im wrong as i understand you are mising the excitment of the whole thing.   And that's fine maybe you dont click as they say or you have matured from past relationships..

So if you enjoy the company go for it for a while anyway or wait up a little bit while staying in contact(not that kind of a contact).

 

[lessthanluke]

You can always afford to be picky.

[Buckwheat]

Oh, I do enjoy his company, I have known him for about a year now and we are friends - this is just a new dimension, so to say, of somebody whose company I have already enjoyed, I am just not sure if this "added dimension" is something I want.

The not affording to be picky line has to do with my insecurity because I have never had a relationship before mostly because nobody showed any interest in me that way, I mean there was the gentleman last year, but that did not last long and he did not mean it seriously at all - anyway, I have a real and from my point of view realistic fear that I will always be alone because the experience just shows that is how it is.

[Channel4s-JonSnow]

51 minutes ago, Buckwheat said:

Oh, I do enjoy his company, I have known him for about a year now and we are friends - this is just a new dimension, so to say, of somebody whose company I have already enjoyed, I am just not sure if this "added dimension" is something I want.

The not affording to be picky line has to do with my insecurity because I have never had a relationship before mostly because nobody showed any interest in me that way, I mean there was the gentleman last year, but that did not last long and he did not mean it seriously at all - anyway, I have a real and from my point of view realistic fear that I will always be alone because the experience just shows that is how it is.

I would say that sometimes you need to make a cynical and logical decision about your relationships and not just 'follow your heart'. Many people do this all the time, they just don't understand it or admit to it. I know a few who have settled down and married guys they sort of liked, because they are of an age and situation where being in a relationship or settling down is a priority for them.

The 'Butterfly Effect' is a very dubious thing anyway, and you often get those feelings for people who are entirely unsuitable for you, simply because their unsuitablility is what is so attractive about them, its exciting and new. 

[TerraPrime]

There's a fine line between "settling" and "matching realistic expectations." Holding out for the "perfect one" begs the question that there is a "perfect one" for each of us. Except for the statistical aberrations, most of us do not one a "perfect one." Instead, we have multiple possibilities, each of varying areas of compatibility and incompatibility. One target might like books, cats, tea, and ethnic food, but lacking in social issue awareness, whereas another target might like books, cats, tea, is socially aware, but allergic to cats. Are we "settling" to pick either one, instead of waiting for the "perfect one?"

 

Also, keep in mind that if A is the perfect one for you, it doesn't necessarily follow that you're the perfect one for A. Reciprocality is not guaranteed, unless you roll that into the definition in the first place, i.e. "my perfect one must find me to be their perfect one."

 

In my unsolicited advice on the issue, I would urge people to abandon the notion of finding their respective "perfect ones" and focus instead on finding people with broad compatibility and no deal-breaker issues. People who can make you happy, who make your life better in many and various ways, whom you can invest your feelings in and feel rewarded, who support and cherish you for who you are, and who is willing and eager to be your companion for the days to come. 

[Theda Baratheon]

lmao buck i HATE the way i look and im still picky as all hell

im just totally not bothered about being in a romantic relationship with any body at the moment - theres times ive panicked because ive felt like i SHOULD be for one reason or another but to hell with it im fine flying solo for now 

Not to dissuade you from giving this bloke a go if you think you might really like him that way i just wanted to put forward i dont think romantic relationships are the be all end all...in fact i honestly think genuine friendship can be the most beautiful and stable and happy of all relationships except its seen as childish to think that way which fucks me off. I just wanna live in a shared house with my mates hahha why is that a bad thing. Ok rant over sorry lol.

I cant say i wouldnt find it totally cool and exciting to meet someone i genuinely really fancy and enjoy the company of tho im just not fussed on committing to any sort of relationship outside of friendship unless said person meets the above criteria haha 

[S John]

2 hours ago, TerraPrime said:

 

In my unsolicited advice on the issue, I would urge people to abandon the notion of finding their respective "perfect ones" and focus instead on finding people with broad compatibility and no deal-breaker issues. People who can make you happy, who make your life better in many and various ways, whom you can invest your feelings in and feel rewarded, who support and cherish you for who you are, and who is willing and eager to be your companion for the days to come. 

This is such good advice.  My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 14 months and we have been living together for 9 months of that.  When we first started dating I had a couple of reservations, which is natural.  I was certainly not completely sure that she was 'the one' whatever that even means.  I have experienced what Buckwheat was talking about with getting the butterflies and all that in the past but I was quite a bit younger.  I did experience that a little bit with my current girlfriend but I'd chalk it up mostly to the novelty of a new person and there wasn't the intensity of butterflies that I would have felt at like 19.  I think there is a part of us that has been conditioned to believe that if you don't experience a feeling of nervous euphoria in their presence that you're not with the right person and in the very early days of my relationship that misconception led me to wonder whether or not I was dating the right person.  

When I was at the point where we had been out enough and spent enough time together that it was time to decide whether or not to continue with the relationship in a more serious way or to end it, I had the realization that we always had a good time together, things never felt forced, or uncomfortable in any way, and we genuinely enjoyed hanging out together.  The more I thought about it, the more it seemed that the only thing standing in the way of a happy relationship with this person, was me.  So I decided to continue dating and now, over a year later, it is hard to overstate how big of a mistake it would have been to end things with her because I had a couple of doubts very early on.  

I think the truth is that you can't know if someone is right for you or not until you have spent a lot of time with them and really gotten to know them.  A person who seems perfect at first and gives you major butterflies might turn out to be annoying or crazy once you have gotten to know them and that initial rush is likely to fade anyway.  As will looks and any other superficial boxes to tick.  Ultimately the most important thing is to be in a relationship with someone who you can genuinely stand to be around.  I know that isn't necessarily the most romantic notion, but I am definitely at a different (and happier) place in my current relationship than I have been in past ones and it is largely because I was willing to let something develop vs. an epic quest for THE ONE.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

3 hours ago, TerraPrime said:

 

 

In my unsolicited advice on the issue, I would urge people to abandon the notion of finding their respective "perfect ones" and focus instead on finding people with broad compatibility and no deal-breaker issues. People who can make you happy, who make your life better in many and various ways, whom you can invest your feelings in and feel rewarded, who support and cherish you for who you are, and who is willing and eager to be your companion for the days to come. 

This is the truest statement in the history of everything.  

[sologdin]

oh, whatever, you morose pack of pragmatic realists.  aristophanes' recitation was by contrast correct in plato's symposium, regarding how we had been united in jouissance with another as a singular being, but were severed by the gods because of hubris and consequently forever seek reunion with the sundered halfmate.

[Angalin]

4 hours ago, TerraPrime said:

another target might like books, cats, tea, is socially aware, but allergic to cats

Dealbreaker!

(otherwise, as usual, a beautiful post  )

[sperry]

I've been working out pretty hard the last few months trying to get in better shape for less-clothes season.Starting to see real change, especially in the face, where I had chalked a little puffiness up to getting older but it turned out I was just out of shape.  I've mostly undertook this in attempt to catch the eye of the opposite sex, so I'm definitely interested in seeing how it plays out.

[Buckwheat]

Well that was some discussion. Thanks for all the helpful opinions, ladies, gents.

Well, I sure am not eager to get married and settle down any time soon, but on the other hand, neither am I waiting out for a "perfect one" - I do not even have real criteria or any other idea what that might mean for me. I have never had anybody interested in me at all before last year and only kind of fancied two very different boys before that, but nothing ever came out of any of that, so I really cannot say I even have an idea what I am comparing. Terra, your post is excellent, I will remember it.

4 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

lmao buck i HATE the way i look and im still picky as all hell

Oh, I do not always hate the way I look (I sometimes do), but I try to concentrate on my other traits than looks. But well, this is not really about how I see myself, but more of how others see me, right? I cannot afford to be picky if I do not get to pick anything because nobody thinks I am attractive. Yes, I am aware that this is ridiculous and wrong to think.

Sure romantic relationships are not the be all end all, I am sure we all understand this. I am just at a point where I really do want to explore this side of social interaction because my experience in the field is extremely limited.

1 hour ago, S John said:

I think there is a part of us that has been conditioned to believe that if you don't experience a feeling of nervous euphoria in their presence that you're not with the right person and in the very early days of my relationship that misconception led me to wonder whether or not I was dating the right person.

This especially is extremely helpful, it needs to be kept in mind. Thanks.

1 hour ago, sologdin said:

oh, whatever, you morose pack of pragmatic realists.  aristophanes' recitation was by contrast correct in plato's symposium, regarding how we had been united in jouissance with another as a singular being, but were severed by the gods because of hubris and consequently forever seek reunion with the sundered halfmate.

And this is why I love Solo's posts. I feel so smart and proud of myself when I figure out what he is saying.

[Mexal]

I agree with Terra and S John. No nervous euphoria here but i found the perfect compliment to myself. Couldn't be happier and while I know she's the one, it has more to do with the balance we provide each other, the common interests and how effortless everything is, from planning vacations to moving in together to buying furniture to discussing our future. Find the right person and all of that ends up being pretty easy.

[Datepalm]

Guy on the bus, earlier this evening, cute, in English: "Pardon, does this go by the shuk?"

Me: "Sure, I'll tell you when it is."

Him: "Thanks. Are you American then?"

Me: "No, just an accent. You?"

Him: "I've spent a lot of time in Arizona, but I'm really from Delhi. I'm doing a post-doc here."

Me: "Oh, gosh, here's my stop. I forgot. You can't miss the market, look for something in the throes of gentrification. Bye!"

 

I paraphrase. Slightly. It was a somewhat longer conversation (the universe will apparently never miss the chance to have me talk to interesting men about their boring research,) but that's pretty much how it went. 

 

 

[TerraPrime]

9 minutes ago, Datepalm said:

Him: "I've spent a lot of time in Arizona, but I'm really from Delhi. I'm doing a post-doc here."

 

At this point, the universe is just drunk-text pranking you.

[Theda Baratheon]

im sorry to presume anything buck i didnt mean to condescend i just had a bit of a panic today about being ugly so i over compensated and just got dolled up and took about a thousand selfies to make me feel better but they just made me feel worse and embarassed. who am i trying to impress? im such a pathetic mess. i do want a boyfriend lol i just couldnt inflict myself on anyone...as a friend and a person im kinda pretty sweet - as a romantic partner? Id be a horrible nervous wreck mess and each year im single is another year i feel so disconnected from other human beings in a romantic or sexual way hahha i think ive turned myself asexual through sheer force of will (bad joke sorry ace ppl not mocking u)