Dating: Hell is Other People

[Maithanet]

2 hours ago, Arkhangel said:

That could be what happened with your date. Maybe she walked away wondering why you weren't opening up much, and thinks maybe you will on a second date.

Oooorrr she could just be that self-absorbed.

That's fine when you are friends and presumably fall into certain patterns (like her talking more).  But I think you are giving too much benefit of the doubt to Raja's date.  If she is wondering why you aren't opening up, she should try asking a question.  It's like the most important rule of the first date that both parties should be speaking. 

The only question is whether she was nervous such that she didn't notice at the time that she was being rude.  That's possible.  It is up to Raja whether that is likely, and if a second date is worthwhile to see if things improve. 

[sologdin]

9 hours ago, Datepalm said:

Date last night. Australian tourist. 20 minutes on frequent flier miles, 40 minutes on the uses of USB drives. I don't know where I find them. 

an artful conversationalist will be able to turn any subject matter, including those mocked supra, into an event after which the interlocutor experiences post erotic stress disorder (PESD).  

it is by contrast much easier to generate a state of physiological arousal and concomitant PESD through conversation alone if the subject matter involves setting up a clandestine affair or determining if there is a single latinate word for vaginal lubricatory fluid, say (there's not, incidentally).

[Datepalm]

First time I ever even understood the logic of being attracted to an older teacher (imbalance of power, authority and experience generally strikes me as a turnoff) was a small lit class.  Four months on French post structuralism and what it means to be touched by a text and yup, there it was.  Words work, why can't people use them correctly?

Makes me miss Mad Economist PhD guy, sadly, as monologues about the most banal aspects of air travel were something of the man's specialty. Now there was 40 minutes on flier miles so sincere and deranged that I quickly found myself trying to figure out how to segue into phone sex just to make him shut up. (failed). All I managed to summon up here was ' Yes, I understand. Australia IS very far away.'

[Raja]

So, I agreed to meet up with her on Sunday. We texted back and forth a bit earlier today and I feel like a second date is probably worth the effort - she seems far more inquisitive on text than in person! It makes me think that maybe I was a bit harsh, and perhaps she was indeed a tad nervous. It's at my favourite bookstore/ coffee place, so I'm sort of excited. 

I'll post an update after, because I know you folk are holding your breath in anticipation. 

[sperry]

Assertively talk about yourself and see if she listens. That should be your indicator on whether she she was being accidentally rude, or she really doesn't give a shit about you.

[sologdin]

sometimes it's best to STFU.  perhaps she wants the second date because you listened.

[Datepalm]

The question is whether her inattentiveness is actually unattractive to you or not.  Some people are chatty, it's not necessarily a flaw.

[Mexal]

1 hour ago, sologdin said:

sometimes it's best to STFU.  perhaps she wants the second date because you listened.

This. You can interject stories that tie into what she's discussing but I wouldn't' be so worried about talking about yourself. People love it when you show interest in them and just listening does that.

[Raja]

It certainly isn't. I know I can get *very* chatty with the right topic - it's just nice to have a balance of both, I think. Like be at least a little curious about the person you're spending an hour with? Either ways, it's a small sample size to form concrete opinions about her, and that's also partly why I'm giving it another shot. Mexal, solo, I hear you, and agree with everything you two have said ( it's also rather nice to not have to consult google whilst reading to one of sologdin's replies - I guess there's a first for everything!) 

[Lily Valley]

14 hours ago, sologdin said:

sometimes it's best to STFU.  perhaps she wants the second date because you listened.

I approve of this post.

Off to BaltiCon.  I hear that lonely nerds troll these things.  Will report afterwards.  Unless it is awkward.

[Battle Kitten]

On 5/26/2016 at 1:39 AM, Raja said:

I haven't texted back yet. I'm still a bit bemused that she wants to do that again - I should say no, but I'm mildly curious if she can go two dates without being even slightly interested in me ( though she might have just been nervous) . Pfft - he could be one of those people that naturally sweats if he walks more than 50m or he could have a thyroid problem. 

You may want to consider that some people, especially women, find it very uncomfortable when there is silence, so they ramble endlessly in order to avoid it.  If you find her remotely interesting, you may want to give it a few more dates before you say no.  She may ease up on that once she feels comfortable. 

[Datepalm]

Texting mad economist guy is a terrible idea, right? Right. Right? Left? No, right. Capitalist by thoughtless default. Believes people are essentially rational economic actors. (Poor thing has no choice, really. It is sometimes like listening to a twitter bot who's only input texts were Freakonomics and a couple of Thomas Friedman columns about globalization. (Seriously what is wrong with me?)) Terrible idea. But...well...yes, rationally he's a miserable barely-presence in my life, but its a productive kind of misery. I mean, literally. He annoys me and I get things done. Dating boring Australians barely present is an unproductive kind of misery. They annoy me and I watch six episodes of Northern Exposure instead of getting up in the morning. That makes sense. Right? (ok I don't do well with unemployment and weddings and having to sort out my own schedule.)

[karaddin]

I say unhealthy coping is better than simply not coping at all, it's not quite the same but it's similar.  It's still a terrible idea and I don't endorse it though DP, non-boring Australians are a better option surely.

[Theda Baratheon]

how can australians be boring

[sologdin]

though you may have predicted a priori that a marxist associating with a capitalist is a terrible idea, i suggest giving it a shot, as the result is ne plus ultra in my experience.

[Datepalm]

The result will be weird. We always add up to weird. I'm obviously into that, I just think he's only tolerating me. Which sucks. Which is why i'm resisting. Sometimes I waver though.

Anyway, I was discussing this with my roomate yesterday - who's disappointed with himself for being a bi, genderqueer polyamorous type who's somehow by pure coincidence spent the last 15 years in a series of long term, monogamous relationships with women, and so decided to cheat on his girlfriend, break up with her, and try to sleep with a guy living in a monastary who showed up on grindr (Jerusalem :dunno:) - and we decided that if i'm going for transgressive, I need to find a proper hard-core racist settler. I can do better than some mired-in-neoclassical-economics-American. The spectrum goes wider than that. 

Sorry, this Australian was boring. I call 'em as I see 'em. 

[The guy from the Vale]

Interesting or boring has little to do with where you come from. Culture may play into it sometimes, but it's way down the list of decisive factors f interestingness.

[Raja]

On 5/29/2016 at 7:09 PM, Datepalm said:

Texting mad economist guy is a terrible idea, 

The only way I stopped myself from texting my ex was to delete *all* her contact information from my phone/ computer etc. I just can't control myself. Unfortunately, I didn't take into account the fact that she would periodically send me a text every 1-2 months asking 'How I was doing?' 

Boring Australians aside, I had a date on Sunday with the women I mentioned a few days ago. It was at a cafe/ bookstore in the city and it was....perfectly okay? She certainly seemed a bit more at ease this time and I had an okay-ish time but I don't think I'm going to see her again. It's nothing specific on her part - I just don't feel it.  

[Datepalm]

22 minutes ago, Raja said:

The only way I stopped myself from texting my ex was to delete *all* her contact information from my phone/ computer etc. I just can't control myself. Unfortunately, I didn't take into account the fact that she would periodically send me a text every 1-2 months asking 'How I was doing?' 

 

HOW did you do that? I would love to do that (I don't have his number, we're not connected on any social media, etc), but short of managing to forget the guy's actual name, (sadly, an easy to spell and remember name) I can't remove my access to any number of very convenient, very immediate channels. (facebook, skype, email, viber, whatsapp...it's a big, shiny internet out there.) 

BTW - I've kinda finalized my Pune trip this summer. Any tips? 

[Raja]

3 hours ago, Datepalm said:

HOW did you do that? I would love to do that

Well, my situation is quite different. I didn't add her on facebook as I barely used it. The same goes for Skype. I feel like once you delete him from those channels, it's easier not to get in touch? True, you could just search for his name and send him a message, but that's too many steps for me and I'll have usually come to my senses by then! 

3 hours ago, Datepalm said:

BTW - I've kinda finalized my Pune trip this summer. Any tips? 

Yay! I hope you get there during the monsoon season - tis fairly hot at the moment, I think. - Re: Tips - it really depends on a few things - Is it your first time in Pune/ India? I believe you said it wasn't. It's a fairly big city so some of it would depend on where you're staying etc? PM me if you'ed like, that will probably be easier!