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Word by Word Story - Vol.46

The Killer Snark

By The Killer Snark,
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Westorosi Batgirl Squire

Westorosi Batgirl

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Then Deadpool abruptly appeared. "Hey Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck! I love you guys, or at least I did when I was three. I've always wondered what duck tastes like but then again I've been eating mouse for years. Would you guys taste good on a taco? Do you guys think my appearance in this word by word story will piss off Westorosi Batgirl. Wait a minute I'm in Game of Thrones, I'm killing Jofferey." Deadpool then

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The Killer Snark Council Member

The Killer Snark

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because he himself had constant diarrhoea. This was, in fact, the only reason he had not been invaded by ass hermits. His open amnesty policy for the hermits was specifically designed to cause problems for his political adversaries. He

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rocksniffer Council Member

rocksniffer

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[ok i figured i would get y'all caught up and put us back on page one...]

 

The Game of Asses:

A Song of Hermits and Juice  

 

Upon a time, a hermit lived in a very deep bedsore on Robert Baratheon’s ass cheek.

“Where can I put my bed in here?” he wondered aloud.

He wanted to move, but the place was rent controlled. He decided to post an ad for some antiseptic cream and two bean burritos with salsa verde, but felt deflated when he saw Renly and Loras bathing in the delicious green sauce.

Meanwhile, Stannis advised Robert to see a proctologist. After all, hermits living in your bedsores are a hygiene issue. He was a very small hermit after all, but a very smelly one.

Bob sobbed, “Why see a proctologist when I can use Preparation H?”

Following the tsunami of rectal excretions, the hermits wondered if that fat ass in Pentos would be better real estate. So they decided to move there straight away. It was hardly news to Stannis since his buttocks were hard as diamonds and impenetrable to even the kindest of hermits. Stannis took pride in knowing that he was right all along.

Suddenly everyone took a deep breath and screamed when Renly danced on a tavern table naked wearing strategic sausages.

“These sausages are tiny compared to Tormund’s member, but gigantic when compared to Trump’s favorite miniature rooster.

He then wondered, “When did we move from one to many?”

In a coincidence of astronomical odds, Trump showed up that very instant, waving his tiny hands and being ridden by a crocodile. Trump was mildly annoyed at being ridden and entreated the crocodile to lay on top of his head to be his new wig.

“What does a billionaire have to do to get Howland Reed’s endorsement?”

Howland then shouted from a nearby balcony, “Do the dance of the seven wigs.”

Trump outsourced this task to China and the dancers fell apart in minutes. The crocodile, appointed by Trump as his new State Secretary, arranged a filibuster to delay Hillary’s campaign, for she is a wight. Her dead blue eyes bring back dead voters to campaign for employment quotas among wildlings. Bill’s latest floozy, Melisandre, started creating shadow babies at an alarming rate.

“My lord, you should be dead by now.” Mel told Bill in amazement. Stannis was not happy when he learned that Trump was polling better than he among the peasants. Meanwhile in the nether regions of Lord Lucan’s underdrawers, a fungoid infection was growing at the junction of the thigh and testicular region. Lucan blamed Mel for the itch on his testicles even though she was more commonly known for causing burning sensations.

“The itch never bothered me anyway.” Sang mel herself, as she applied some embrocating ointment to the area where it is dark and full of terrors. Stannis groaned at the idea of Mel applying her ointment in front of him, yet an anal itch had driven all other thoughts from his mind.

“Hand some over you Red Witch!” growled Stannis through clenched teeth.

“Under the sea, mermaids swim in their own shit. I know! I know! Oh, oh, oh!” exclaimed Patchface, who was secretly the Drowned God.

“What is grilled is never fried!” exclaimed a cheese sandwich, which was cleverly disguised as a spinach salad. Hotpie, who hated spinach, threw the salad into Mel's shadow maker.

"Begone with you, cursed greens!" cried Hotpie.

Patchface smiled, he was one step closer to laughing at Mel’s chagrin at such abuse of her petunia, since she earned a decent living creating shadow babies with it at the local bawdy shows. 

“It is still better than ping pong balls”, Stannis commented, remembering the time he first met Cersei. 

Jaime, who was wearing a pair of binoculars, replied, “I preferred her use of bananas.”

Meanwhile Theon was missing his own banana. He cried tears of orange juice which Ramsay bottles and donates to the local food bank.  It was Ramsay’s only charitable gesture.  The proprietor was afraid to drink any because he knew the orange flavouring was really badger ass juice collected by Ned Stark in a drunken blackout badger rape hunt. But Queen Margaery wasn’t afraid to drink the juice because she’d experienced drinking worse with the stable-hand she’d met before Renly.

Queen Margaery drank deep of the juice made from Theon’s tears and it eventually caused her tummy to give a rumble. She realized she was addicted to ass juice.

“I don’t care where it comes from I need more”, said Margaery shaking as she went into ass juice withdrawal.

In Pentos the ass hermits learned of Margaery’s addiction and developed a plan to give her juice, and thereby hold her in their power when she finally becomes queen of something.

Tommen was playing with Ser Pounce, his favorite pussy cat. Everyone who saw thought it was amazingly cute, except for Stannis of course. Stannis was never any fun, except that time he anally probed himself with a pineapple at a New Year’s party he once hosted. He decreed that anyone who speaks of that incident will face the same, but without the lubrication of alcohol, and with added internet broadcast.  He is a man of his word, so when Kylo Ren brought up the event, Stannis did his duty.

“That will not stand. Mel bring me a pineapple. Kylo do you have any last words?”

“I will finish what you’ve started”, Kylo murmured as he impaled himself on the unlubed tropical fruit.

“Under the sea sponges live inside pineapples. I know, I know, oh, oh, oh!” sang Patchface. The crowd was amazed by Kylo’s courage and shocked by the blood that rectally issued.

“That must be those pesky hermits, and they’re wearing spiky helmets”, cried Robert, who was remembering the first time his hermit moved in. Tears fell to cheeks because, even though the ass hermits were a nuisance, Robert missed his old butt buddy, and wondered if the reason hermits avoided Stannis was a fear of pineapples.

“I fear no fruit!” declared the strongest and bravest of the hermits, a man known in Westeros as ‘the Pineapple Canker’. He indeed spotted Kylo and adopted a headpiece shaped like a shamrock, with lime green appendages and five dildos in the shape of razor-bladed tentacles.

“Oh, my”, said Tommen as his cat was splattered with the scent of Myrish Swamp, the newest perfume from celebrity consortiums in Pentos.

“You’re not the only one with a wet pussy”, husked Cersei, in her sadistic glee at viewing Robert’s tears mix with the blood from Kylo Ren’s ass.

Meanwhile Batman and his new Robin had just arrived to Westeros via a wormhole created by an epic battle between The Flash, The reverse Flash, Kid Flash, and Johnny Quick. Then the Doctor appeared on the tank he had bought for his new puppy named Clara, playing Pretty Woman with his guitar. They were all afraid of the notorious hermits, but all wore customized buttplugs. The hermits loved a challenge though.

“On the morrow, we march towards Illyrio Mopatis. He has room enough for all of us”, yelled one known among his friends as Ted Cruz.

Ted most desperately wanted to become the leader of the hermits, but since a number of them wore hairpieces resembling bleached roadkill, they were more naturally drawn to Trump.

“We’re going to make Illyrio’s ass great again!” exclaimed Trump victoriously.

But little did he know, a young boy born to a powerful house was poised to become the King of the Ass Hermits. Sweet Robin was possessed of a curiously conical beanie propeller hat many saw as proof of this. He was particularly good at burrowing deep into the asses of men, thrusting in and out over and over. Sweet Robin also enjoyed watching lesbian S & M porn, but only if the actresses dressed as Hawaiian Hula dancers that did a rain dance calling for sustenance from their heavenly guardian, Queen's superstar, Freddy Mercury, who gyrated his hips in approbation.

Mickey Mouse plotted with Goofy and Donald Duck on how Disney was going to obtain rights to ASOIAF, so they could white wash it for children’s television. However working to foil them was the Tasmanian Devil and Road Runner who adapted it first, with all the gore. In fact, in the cartoon version it was even worse. For example, poor Theon even grew back his peepee multiple times, so it could keep getting chopped off as a running gag.

Additionally, poor Tyrion kept falling flat on his face on stairs. In an especially infamous episode, Tyrion fell down stairs while ‘doing it’ with Shae, the aftermath was that Tyrion got lodged headfirst, up to his waist, in Shae’s vagina, and Bronn had to help him loose by making Shae sneeze.

“This isn’t the first time I was thrust out of a vagina. The first time was my Mother’s”, joked Tyrion while winking towards the audience.

When Mickey Mouse heard what Taz and Road Runner did, he thought deeply about his life choices.

“I’m going to end the contract for merchandise rights I had with these guys”, thought the Mickster, as he ruffled Donnie Duck’s soft and tempting tail feathers.

Mickey decided to follow the faith of the Seven.

“Huha! The Crone once commanded, ‘Thou shalt not represent – in cartoon form – an ass hermit” said Mick to Donnie.

Don replied, “Ass hermits are people too!”

Then Deadpool abruptly appeared.

“Hey Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck! I love you guys, or at least I did when I was three. I’ve always wondered what duck tastes like but then again I’ve been eating mouse for years. Would you guys taste good on a taco? Do you guys think my appearance in the word by word story would piss off Westerosi Batgirl? Wait a minute I’m in Game of Thrones, I’m killing Joffrey.” Deadpool then shit himself, because he had week old chalupas for dinner.

“No Bueno!” he cried, as the watery stool burst out of his tender anus.

Tywin sympathized because he himself had constant diarrhea. This was, in fact, the only reason he had not been invaded by ass hermits. His open amnesty policy for the hermits was specifically designed to cause problems for his political adversaries. He... 

 

...soon found that his adversaries preferred Theon's ass juice flavoured tears to his own brand of spew.  Knowing this forced Tywin to rethink his plans of flooding the ass-juice market, much to the dismay of Sweet Robin and his hermits. Suddenly...

 

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