lady narcissa Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Zabzie, So incredibly sorry to hear all you are going through. All my best wishes to you and your children. No experiences to share but in Illinois there is a Lawyers Assistance Program which is pretty great for helping lawyers out in situations like this. It looks like there are some equivalent groups in NY state and city (with similar names). I know you have a team of people you are already speaking with but to the extent you are both lawyers it might be another helpful resource if you haven't already considered it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Anti-Targ Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 2 hours ago, Mlle. Zabzie said: My husband has always been a heavy drinker. He has probably been a problem drinker for most of our relationship, in retrospect. The drinking actually got REALLY bad 3 years ago, right after I got pregnant. He did some pretty awful stuff drunk. In the spring of 2015 he finally went to see a nutritionist (he'd gotten really fat - from the drinking) and stopped for 6 months or so (though, as he says now, never really considered quitting for good) for "health" reasons (though the nutritionist told him at the time that his liver function was already impaired). He started again during the holidays. And it was off to the races again. I was really unhappy about that. I was not subtle about being unhappy (though wasn't super specific about why). And then N'awlins happened at the beginning of March, though I didn't know it. I was on the verge of packing my bags, though I had actually with my counsellors help decided to move forward with him but find a way to confront him about the alcohol. Before I could implement the plan, this happened. He needs to figure out his own happiness - he's got his own baggage to deal with. We're sort of at the beginning of the counselling process - will know more a couple of sessions in. Your first comment on the secretiveness being connected to the drinking is one of the things I want to explore. Thanks. I think I will be somewhere in the middle. My parents know and have basically told me I should leave him - so at least that isn't an issue! Really, really appreciate the support. It is important that your well-being and the well-being of your kids take priority. If you are willing to be part of your husband's journey to help him through things then that can be good for him. But it does mean taking on quite a lot for you, and there is a risk it will all turn out badly anyway. Even when people acknowledge their addiction and want to try to change sometimes they just can't (or won't). Even while it's important to recognise this as a mental illness that can be treated, like a lot of mental illness sometimes treatment is ineffective. While there is a lot of self control that can be brought to bear with addiction, there are things that are not within his conscious control that he needs to wage a mighty internal war with no certain outcome. With addicts they are totally responsible for their behaviour (unlike most other mental illnesses), but they are not 100% in control. You can be sympathetic and empathetic and supportive but ultimately, as you say, it's his battle. Your main responsibility is for you and your kids to not become collateral damage in his war with himself. Being able to identify secretive behaviour and knowing the signs is one of the most important defensive tools for you. I think you need to talk to addiction specialists, recovering addicts and family of unrecovered and recovering addicts to get some good advice on this. A recovering addict needs to be committed to openness, honesty and full disclosure as part of their recovery. If he is truly committed he may well tell you some things that he's done in the past that you don't know about and that will probably hurt a lot, and you may not be able to get past them. If he has a drink then he needs to come clean ASAP and not make excuses. When addicts do that they remain on the road to recovery, albeit having hit a bump. If there is any hiding the truth or making excuses then they are sliding back into harmful habits and it is a clear warning sign. And if you say "last chance" then you have to really mean it. If the last chance is betrayed then it's time to get out. Giving multiple last chances doesn't help anyone. No more secrets and lies really has to be an absolute, for his recovery and for your welfare. This is a lifelong burden you are contemplating taking on. Addicts are never cured, they are only ever in recovery. The burden may be very small after a time but the addiction will always be hanging over your heads. Also, something for you to be aware of but it is not your cross to bear, is that your children are the children of an alcoholic. And that comes with risk factors that are not typical of people who are not children of an alcoholic. Another topic for you to explore as a parent and understand some of the challenges your kids may face, even into adulthood, and be at least somewhat ready to support your kids if those challenges arise, which hopefully will never happen. And if nothing else, this is one of the most important motivators for you to see that your husband achieves sobriety and sticks with it through the rest of his life. The less your kids are exposed to his active alcoholism the less your kids are likely to face those challenges later in life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isis Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Sorry to hear this has happened to you, MZ. You've been given so much sound advice already I won't try to add to it. But.. I do honestly think that a relationship can recover from infidelity. So long as you don't think about a relationship as something that can 'break', Rather as a living thing that can grow and change - then it can recover, grow and even improve providing both parties are brutally honest with each other. The drinking is potentially a bigger issue than the infidelity (which seems like a symptom of the drinking/other issues). Alcohol abuse did for my 12 year marriage, ultimately. There were lots of break ups along the way, but also lots of stability... if you want to talk about that then PM me. But hugs to you. It sounds like you're doing everything right, taking your time, getting advice, not rushing into anything... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weeping Sore Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 I'm sorry this happened, Zabzie. I think the loss of trust is pretty toxic and hard to get over. People are responsible for the predictable consequences of their actions, and choosing to be unfaithful can have a consequence of the end of one's marriage. I would resist his taking refuge in the nomenclature of recovery, wherein he gets to say that he is "powerless" in the face of his addiction, and by extension powerless to not have done what he has done. Fuck that. Maybe he wanted out and this is his cowardly way of doing it, despite what he claims now. That the marriage now hinges on your ability or lack of ability to forgive him is a reversal of responsibility. Amicable divorce all the way. Hopefully getting time with the kids will be incentive enough for him to stay sober. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elder Sister Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 2 hours ago, Isis said: Sorry to hear this has happened to you, MZ. You've been given so much sound advice already I won't try to add to it. But.. I do honestly think that a relationship can recover from infidelity. So long as you don't think about a relationship as something that can 'break', Rather as a living thing that can grow and change - then it can recover, grow and even improve providing both parties are brutally honest with each other. The drinking is potentially a bigger issue than the infidelity (which seems like a symptom of the drinking/other issues). Alcohol abuse did for my 12 year marriage, ultimately. There were lots of break ups along the way, but also lots of stability... if you want to talk about that then PM me. But hugs to you. It sounds like you're doing everything right, taking your time, getting advice, not rushing into anything... Zabz, I am so so, so, sorry. I don't have any great advice. You're smart, thoughtful, kind...I know you'll do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids. I'm just sorry you're having to deal with so much crap. I do like what Isis says about relationships not being a thing that breaks...that has been my experience. Ultimately, it's about what I'm willing to live with and what I'm not willing to live with. I also liked what Tormund said about the process. I have found that the last 6 years of crap made me such a different person that at the end of the day, I just wasn't willing to live with my ex anymore. And so I bailed. Whatever you decide, I know you'll handle it with grace and class. I can't imagine you doing anything else. Much love to you, my friend. ES Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotcat Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 I don't have much to advise on how you can (or should) move your relationship with your husband forward after this. Only you can answer that question. I'm very sorry you are having to go through this. The only thing I would advise is to be wary of connecting the infidelity and the drinking too closely. It would be a very easy trap to fall into, blaming all of his actions on the alcohol, or thinking that if the drinking problem were to be treated he wouldn't do it again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baitac Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Oh Zabs. I just found out about this. I'm so upset. When I met you both, I thought you were an amazing couple. I am so sorry you are going through such heartache. I just cannot imagine. Love you and I'm here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoth Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Aww Zabs. I just heard... Massive Nothing to add to what's already been said. It'll take time, but I know that you'll come to the right decision for you and the family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lyanna Stark Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Oh no, I am so sorry MZ . Can't add anything smarter than has already been added by Elder Sister et al, just wishing you lots of strength to get through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guy Kilmore Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 People have said a lot of the things I would have said. You are in my thoughts, I'm sorry that your journey through life took this turn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 I don't have much to add to the litany of good advice, so I will just say that I am very sorry that you have to deal with this. My thoughts are to you and your kids. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Hang tough. Lotta good advice already expressed. Would that I had more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aceluby Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Dealt w/ this roughly at the same time last year. Luckily no kids and not married (just a fiance). Best thing that ever happened to me, so just know that however this ends up you need to put you and your children first. Life is too short. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mlle. Zabzie Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 You all are awesome. Things are going well. Couples counselling is good. We will see what happens. I just need to slow everything down! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalbear Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Good to hear Agree with slowing things down. As much as most people want to have things done with, good change takes time. You are stronger than you know, you can adapt to things far better than anyone expects, and no matter what happens things will be better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snake Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Sorry to hear of your troubles. My marriage ended 15 years ago when my wife cheated on me. We tried for a while but it didn't work. We are now friends so we were able to move past it. Was a terrible feeling though. Four years ago I did something I didn't think I would ever do after what happened to me and that was cheat on my current partner. We'd been together for 9 years at that point. Needless to say she was unbelievably hurt. We've stayed together but it has been a tough road. For obvious reasons she has trouble trusting me and that leads to resentment on my part. We have been tempted to call it quits more than once but we continue to push on. Sometimes things go well for a long stretch but then I tend to do something to cause tension again. I do like to party more than I should and that is the chief cause of our troubles. Where we shall end up I do not have the slightest idea. Why did I cheat? I cannot really explain it. Attention of a younger woman. Boredom at home. No real good reasons. It's been a rough four years but we still believe it is worth it and for the present time will continue to try and work through this. I wish you all the best MZ and hope everything works out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Anti-Targ Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Good to hear things are going well with counselling MZ. This episode of cheating might have been your husband's rock bottom. So as bad as cheating is, it might have a substantial silver lining. All the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mlle. Zabzie Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 18 hours ago, The Anti-Targ said: Good to hear things are going well with counselling MZ. This episode of cheating might have been your husband's rock bottom. So as bad as cheating is, it might have a substantial silver lining. All the best. Fingers crossed. And things will work out - I just don't know how yet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Manhole Eunuchsbane Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 7 minutes ago, Mlle. Zabzie said: And things will work out - I just don't know how yet! That's the attitude! As much as I wanted to save my 1st marriage initially, I now see the breakup as a net positive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baitac Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 So glad to hear that you are slowing down the process. I have all of my faith in you. I know things will work out as they should in the end. ❤️❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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