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NFL 2016 Offseason: THIS Is The Year!

Jace, Extat

By Jace, Extat,
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Mr. Chatywin et al. Council Member

Mr. Chatywin et al.

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8 minutes ago, Pony Queen Jace said:

I wouldn't have a problem with 20 years if it came with a gelding.

Well I think he's technically getting locked up for 38 years, but the sheer number of victims is stomach turning. He should get life plus the gelding. 

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Jace, Extat Council Member

Jace, Extat

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55 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

He should get life without parole. The guy is a sick monster. 

I believe in rehabilitation. If the gelding helps him realize the error of his ways he deserves the chance to drink a specially prepared drink from each victim in turn.

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Trebla Council Member

Trebla

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3 plays in and Romo gets nailed in the back and has to leave the game in apparent agony. Ugh. He did remain on the bench and tried to talk his way back into the game. Garrett wisely left Dak Prescott in.

On the bright side, Ezekiel Elliott ran all over Seattle's 1st team D (and trucked Kam Chancellor a play after Kam lowered the boom on his on a pass play) and Dak threw a TD pass to Witten. One way or another, this season will be anything but boring for the Carnival Cowboys

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Rockroi Council Member

Rockroi

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So, I know, been a while.  I have not read much about what people have been talking about but I wanted to give a few thoughts about the Pats off-season.  Eventually I will get enough of my shit together to do some predictions etc.  But mostly I have been very busy with my practice and some family vacations so this may seem rushed.  


In no particular order here are a few of my thoughts on the Pats’ off-season:

Pats Release DT Dominic Easley: This one both makes sense and is a real head-scratcher.  Easley was not great, but he was constantly highly ranked among DTs.  A former 1st-round pick, Easley had significant injury problems and this clearly impacted his value, but its not like he was terribly expensive or a head case; if he was healthy he was actually solidly good.  This is going to be one of those things I will think back on when the Bills run all over the Pats in Week 4. 

Pats trade former #1 pick Chandler Jones: So, the Pats drafted Jones late in the first round and for the express purpose of getting to the QB.  Jones was ranked 5th in the league in sacks.  So what do you do?  Well, trade him, of course for a 2nd round draft pick and a stiff guard.  One factor in this was Jones showing up high out of his mind on synthetic weed the week before the Pats playoff game against KC.  But I think the actual reason was that the Pats would have had to sign Jones, Donte Hightower, Malcom Butler and Jamie Collins after this season (Butler is a RESTRICTED free agent so that’s not that hard) and “something had to give” and it was Jones.  Of all those players, the MOST replaceable is Jones; of all his fifteen sacks ONE came against a playoff team (WSH).  You can get pressure on a QB without a sack. I will mumble this to myself when Ryan Tanahil throws all over the Pats in Week 2. 

Everyone is hurt: So after losing Dion Lewis in what felt like the 2015 pre-season, Lewis’ knee required a SECOND surgery in August for “clean-up”  which will have the RB miss 8-10 weeks.  I mean, its not like he could have had the surgery … ANYTIME BEFORE THE SEASON STARTED!!!!!  Was his June booked solid?  Amendola has not seen the field and Edleman’s foot is going to be a bleeding ulcer for the rest of his career; and great- the Pats’ starting Right Tackle, Sebastian Vollmer is on the PUP and will likely not play this season.  So, what do you do when your O-line is messed up?  Why, trade your starting Center, of course!  Brian Stork was traded for a bag of marbles (apparently, Stork is a HUGE head-case; he got into a fight with a Bears player duing the joint work out… I mean… why fight somebody on the Bears?  HAsn’t that man suffered enough by … by playing for the Bears?).  Regardless, the entire Pats O is hurt.  This will make their utter domination at the hand sof the Texans in week 3 more palatable.

Which leads me to this….

FOOTBALL STARTS IN OCTOBER! So, Tom Brady’s legal defenses ended this off-season when an appellate court ruled what has to be the scariest ruling for any NFL fan: that Rodger Goodell- that pasty-skinned, wall-eyed, drooling, sniveling, backwards orc – can do pretty much whatever he wants.  See, Tom Brady was accused of deflating balls… no, actually no … he was … he was accused of … knowing about balls being deflated?  Was that it?  No … no .. he was accused of not cooperating … wait … was that the original charge?  No, he was accused of taking air out of footballs… and when that could not be substantiated, they had these hearings where they investigated … I think… kinda… that it was “more probable than not” that he was aware of air being taken out of footballs… which is apparently a thing.  And it was CONCLUSIVELY NEVER EVER ACTUALLY PROVEN THAT ANYONE EVER TOOK AIR OUT OF FOOTBALLS … so it was “more probable than not” that this happened… so it was “more probable than not” that Tom Brady knew about something that may never have ever actually happened.  

And then Brady was suspended because he did not cooperate … even though THERE IS NO WAY BRADY COULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WAS WHAT HE WAS BEING SUSPENDED FOR.   

So Goodell- that impotent, pig-eyed sack of shit – suspended Brady for 4 games AS IF HE DID PEDs!  tHAT'S, LITERALLY, WHAT HE SAID.  And where did he come up with that? Who the fuck knows!?!?! He’s the Commissioner- he can do whatever fucking stupidity he wants!  Ben Rothlesberger rapes a girl in a bathroom!  The Giants kicker kicks the shit out of his wife for years; Ray Rice MMA’s he wife in an elevator!  WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?!??! Tom Brady should have been aware of something that may never have actually ever happened.  FOUR GAMES!  SWEEEEEETTTT!!!!!!! What other things that may not have happened should players be suspended for?  

And ball pressure is important, right?  I mean, the NFL kept ball pressure measurements during EVERY SINGLE GAME THIS SEASON!  And what were the measurements of those balls?  Did ball pressure NATURALLY go down during games (As Brady and the Ideal Gas Law surmise)?  NOBODY KNOWS!  Why?  Because the NFL won't release the numbers!  Because IT WAS THAT IMPORTANT!!!!

I mean, what if Peyton Manning got a PED shipment sent to his home- one that HE ADMITTED TO THROUGH HIS SPOKESMAN Ari Fleischer that HIS WIFE GOT THE SHIPMENT OF PEDS!  Should Manning have any repercussions?  I mean, no, of course not, lets clear his name IMMEDIATELY … and where is the Manning “Wells Report” and the millions upon millions of dollars the NFL spent to save the “integrity of the game” on Manning?  Oh, there is no report?  We should just take their word for it?  Because … reasons?  Oh, so nothing happened, right?  Oh, wait you mean the NFL KEPT THE INVESTIGATIONS OPEN ON OTHER PLAYERS LINKED TO THAT SAME COMPANY!!!!!  Players like Julius Peppers and James Harrison?  But Manning is cleared?  

Oh, that all makes perfect sense; nothing seems strange there at all.  

I will think long and hard on this as Jimmie Garoppolo is fist-fucked by the Cards in Week one.  What do we think his line will be with no RB and an O-Line made up of the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man, my plumber and six neetly stacked Pylons ?  16-35, 187 yards 1 TD and 3 INTs?  That seems about right.  

I fucking hate the NFL; I fucking hate Rodger Goodell; I fucking hate the “Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” media and their inflation of this story; I fucking hate the NFL greed-bag owners who lead this torch-and-pitch-fork procession out of misguided rage over Spy-gate INSTEAD of saying, “Hey, how come we are all so fucking terrible at running NFL teams?”  I fucking hate the Dolphins for that bullying 2 years ago; I FUCKING HATE THE BILLS for re-hiring that red-necked vat of lard, Ritchie Incognito; and yes, oh yes, I fucking hate the Jets.  

Oh, and MARK SANCHEZ STILL SUCKS!!!!!! 

More later after I take my blood-pressure meds.  

(One last thing: I don’t hate Manning.  And I am not really sure he took PEDs.  I just think the stark difference in investigations is startling and hypocritical when PEDs are a far greater crisis in the NFL than ball pressure.  And Manning’s commercials are still incredible… oh… got a coupon for that ….).  
 

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Rockroi Council Member

Rockroi

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17 minutes ago, Manhole Eunuchsbane said:

 /Can't resist one little Deflategate barb though. Welcome back Rock, I missed ya.  

Please!  You should REVEL IN IT!  Enjoy the misery! Take the shots- I'm a Pats fan ... I DESERVE IT!  I once defended Vince Wilfork for trying to knee-cap a Bills QB!  Not a good QB, mind you; but one forced to play pro-football in Buffalo!  Hadn't that man suffered enough?  NOPE!  I figured- let's launch a 400 pound monster at his knee!  That's, apparently, how I roll! 

I once defended Tom Brady for attempting to kick Ed Reed in the junk.  I once defended Bill Belichick for spying on the Jets and this was AFTER he basically almost killed Teddy Johnson.  I once defended Wes Welker who, by all accounts, is the biggest fucking shit-talker in the NFL (He once caught a pass [does not apply to Superbowls] turned to the defender and said, in a clear voice, "You fucking suck!").  I once defended Brandon Browner for ... actually ... seriously, in my defense, that guy ALWAYS committed Pass Interference.  I never defended him, at least not with a straight face.  

But other than him, I am fairly certain that if you asked me during a game, the Pats have been guilty of Defensive PI only 8 times in the last 15 years of football.  I am a turd.  

I defended the Pats for running up the score against the Browns.  THE BROWNS!  A team, whose fans have been described as gulag prisoners.  I love watching Bills fans cry; oh and the Dolphins organization is a fucking shit pile on top of a tire fire.  Their former GM onced asked a prospective WR if his mother was a prostitute. That's not really relevant; I just hate Miami.  

You should not, in any way, be ashamed of needling the Pats.  Especially this season when they lose another nail-biter of an AFC Championship game.  Like they seem to do every season now.  

Fuck... I can't even feign humility right.  

 

 

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Joe Pesci Council Member

Joe Pesci

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As I was reading Rock's post, the Around the Horn crew were discussing Brady playing tonight and, of course, it veered off to his suspension. Michael Smith hit the silencer and said "No more deflategate, please!" 

Coincidence, I think not. :D 

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Mr. Chatywin et al. Council Member

Mr. Chatywin et al.

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And there's also the plus of seeing if it's Brady or Gronk that is actually the more important player and if you have the heir apparent or just another dude In Garoppolo. 

ETA:

Anyways, It's nice to have you back, Sith Lord. Have you seen this picture before?:

https://www.google.com/search?q=tom+brady+trump+hat&espv=2&biw=1280&bih=963&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjP8pzJg-DOAhXLBcAKHZYDAXEQ_AUIBygC#imgrc=AWfJ1ymOSkqqdM%3A

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SkynJay Council Member

SkynJay

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59 minutes ago, Manhole Eunuchsbane said:

 This just in: Colin Kaepernick still blows goats.

Good.  Because I was stupidly hoping the Broncos would bring him in even before the trade rumors started.

But boy oh boy are we excited for our Simean (Simeon, ah who the hell knows) vs Sanchez battle.  Maybe my fantasy season will go better and I can re-watch Superbowl 50 over and over every Sunday instead.

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Manhole Eunuchsbane Council Member

Manhole Eunuchsbane

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6 minutes ago, SkynJay said:

Good.  Because I was stupidly hoping the Broncos would bring him in even before the trade rumors started.

But boy oh boy are we excited for our Simean (Simeon, ah who the hell knows) vs Sanchez battle.  Maybe my fantasy season will go better and I can re-watch Superbowl 50 over and over every Sunday instead.

He just has like zero instinct and vision. It's hard to watch a guy with seemingly all the tools make such crappy decisions.

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Jace, Extat Council Member

Jace, Extat

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1 hour ago, SkynJay said:

Good.  Because I was stupidly hoping the Broncos would bring him in even before the trade rumors started.

But boy oh boy are we excited for our Simean (Simeon, ah who the hell knows) vs Sanchez battle.  Maybe my fantasy season will go better and I can re-watch Superbowl 50 over and over every Sunday instead.

I kinda like Siemean. Not gonna be great and probably not even good, but Elway continues to spite the craven nature of the league by going with a nobody with undetermined potential rather than the clearly unprepared rookie who's development can only be hurt or the shitty 'proven' option you know will take you nowhere but hopefully allows you to save face.

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