Why is my Subletter Blocking me on Facebook? Or, am I a Horrible Roommate, Installment 4

[Datepalm]

Some of you may recall some of my various episodes in what is now going on a decade of varieties of shared accomodation. Some of them I recall with a certain horrified fondness - the far-right nutter who set up a teetering pyramid of lies to make sure no one ever found she was ripping the other two of us off on the rent...though only to the tune of 10 USD, in my case - some of them I mainly try not to recall, like the fussy vegans who kicked me out because it just 'wasn't nice' living with me when I was in the middle of a spiral of depression anyway, having just gotten fired. I cling hard to the handful that seem to have gone ok, like the two month sublet where I never had any problems with anyone and the time I lived on a rooftop in Jordan for a few weeks which was very friendly. 

In all cases, I can narrate an elaborate, convoluted horror story which utterly absolves me and blame my tolerant, naive nature and poor luck in getting into these things...but there is a glaring common denominator - you know, me. Some of this is venting about this latest (quite short, at least) episode, but some of it is genuine concern and attempts to change. Am I really such a horrible person to live with?

What happened with this one is that I was in DRC and saw a friend-of-a-friend put up a room for rent just about the time I was supposed to come back. I knew the apartment, because the third roomate was a not-terribly-close friend and I had been over a few times. She herself was away in India at the time, and I texted her to check whether she'd be ok with me moving in. I honestly expected her to say that she wouldn't - she had a thing about boundaries and was always someone who kept a certain coolness, but figured it was worth checking. There was some obvious waffling but she said OK, especially since she was intending to move to TLV herself when she got back and the room had been empty for a while and they were anxious to stop carrying the extra third of the rent. 

OK - so far so good. I got back, moved in, got along with the third roomate, all was well. My friend came back after a month or so, moved back in and started waffling about the TLV move, which grew more and more distant and vague. She also wasn't speaking to me. As in, leaving the room when I would enter it, getting up from shared meals, and, literally, not speaking to me, like a kindergarden ban. I confronted her about it after a few weeks, and she explained that she'd never wanted to live with me and that was that so she wasn't speaking to me. I said I was sorry for that and that I only hoped our friendship could survive this, knowing perfectly well it wouldn't. It didn't, of course - she gradually loosened up a bit to a level of moderate friendliness - especially if the third roomate was around or anything social was going on, but that was it. It would have been perfectly fine if there hadn't been the history and the months of silent treatment, but whatever. 

I wanted to get out of the lease early because of this India internship, found someone to take over for me a few weeks before I left, and then had him cancel at the last minute. So then there was a mad and time-sensitive scramble, which the roomies helped with, to find someone else. (They also claimed veto power over anyone I would find, which she exercised a number of times which made my life way harder, but I still respected the principle. Besides, at least one of them was a perfectly nice guy she was really, just astonishingly mean about the moment he left, so that was probably best in the long term for him.)

We found someone right in the very nick of time who needed to move in two weeks after I was moving, and we agreed to split those two weeks rent. (I would have been happy to cover the whole two weeks to get out, at that point.) However, he was very slow and waffling about actually signing the lease and piled on a few provisions, like meeting the landlord and getting him to sign some documents about a housing scholarship, etc. Nothing unreasonable, just the whole thing was very time sensitive and he made it clear at every point he might still back out,. Well, he finally didn't - he signed it I think the day before my flight, yes, whew, done, goodbye. 

One problem: I still owed him the one weeks rent, which I promised to make a bank transfer for once I was off the plane in India. As it turned out, this was way easier said than done - I couldn't get access to my account for weeks, and making transfers without a phone authentication on an Israeli number I no longer had access to was apparently impossible.

The ex-friend got in touch a few times, pissed off after two weeks. (I admit, I was hoping to get it sorted and transferred and just let her know it was done without talking about it too much.) informing me that she had hired a lawyer and was going to sue my parents. (WTF?)(To clarify, the sum is about 100 USD.) 

Actually, two problems: I had paid the municipal tax for the whole year, which he needed to reimburse me for, or for both of us to figure it out individually or cooperatively vis a vis city hall. We agreed on the latter and I put it out of my mind - I'd need the landlords signiatures and to fax things and I decided to deal with it when I got back. 

Ex-Friend got in touch a few more times and I told her there really didn't seem to be any way for me to transfer the money, and that she could either wait until I got back, wait until my parents got back from the Ukraine, where they're even more cut off than I am, or she could have my credit card number and code and use it to do...well, whatever she wanted. I suggested they pay the bills for a couple months with it to cover my 100 USD, but they could have ordered lots of pizza for all I cared. I felt pretty bad about stiffing the guy and it was the best idea I had for getting money to them, and I largely trusted her, at least at that purely financial level. She said that that wasn't necessary and that as long as she knew I hadn't just vanished and wasn't planning on ever paying them back, it was fine. I assured her I hadn't and was dealing with it the best I could. She kept popping up every few weeks or so and we'd repeat the same conversation, I'm not sure why - I made it pretty clear nothing could change until I got back, and they could have my card number if they wanted. I finally also suggested we could just use the municipal tax thing and write it off against that and he just pay me back less of it and not go through city hall. (The tax is about 300 USD for the six months.) That was a few days ago, and she told me to just talk to him directly (I'd kind of been assuming I had been, just that they were doing it through her account or because she knew me better or something.) 

I asked her for his details and texted him saying I was sorry about the mess and offering, again, my card number for the bills or to balance the municipal tax or that I would pay him back the moment I was back in the country, and maybe we should just deal directly, since Ex-Friends threats to sue my parents over 100 USD were both ridiculous and unnecessary. He got back to me with this...rant, that I had vanished and that I had betrayed him, that he'd had to borrow the money from his mother, that he'd missed the opportunity to get the student discount on the municipal tax because I had 'betrayed' him, that paying the bills was my problem not his (what?) and that he especially really didn't want to be my friend on facebook. (Take that, Datepalm!) 

Um...ok. I reiterated the offer in a colder manner, apologized again, even offered to reimburse him for the missed tax break. Which I'd had no idea had a deadline and which he had never contacted me about nor had Ex-Friend ever mentioned. (Also, he's probably lying or simply an idiot about that. Next paragraph.) He responded that this was my problem, that he would not deal with me further, that I owed him money and I will just have to live with that, and he didn't owe me anything and I should deal with city hall if I wanted that money back, and that I had to stop interrupting his life like this in such an awful way, etc. (I sent him six text messages in total, ever, I think.) I think I managed to get in that his students discount isn't reliant on me and I don't see why he didn't apply for it , that I would put the 100USD in the post when I got back and that we will hopefully have no further dealings, and then he blocked me on facebook. So, ok, huge loss. 

So...what the fuck in going on? If I'm being really cynical, I think he's trying to scam me for those 300 USD of the tax, but that seems...surreal. He appeared to be a perfectly reasonable person when we met. Here's the thing - there is no student discount. I'm a student and have been for seven years. I'd know if there was a student discount. There was a student rental subsidy program for a few parts of the city that was administered via the city tax that hasn't been active for five years (because it was a deeply stupid housing policy that only pushed up rents for everyone, including students, while increasing gentrification), which is how that idea got started. To be fair to him, lots of people repeat it, but it's simply not the case. (I therefore blame Richard Florida for my current predicament. Our mayor took his drawing-creatives-to-city-centers for economic growth ideas way too seriously.) The discount is calculated based on average monthly income for the last quarter of the previous year. He could well be eligible for it, but it's filed annually, at the beginning of the fiscal (January) year and follows you around all year. His eligibility for it has fuck all to with me, and in fact he shouldn't even have to re-file anything, just report a change of residence, since he should have already had it for wherever he was living (which was across the street from us) January-June 2016. I'm going to assume he was capable of reporting that he was gone from there and is no longer paying that property's tax. My getting back my 300 for the time I wasn't living there may depend on him agreeing to show proof that he'd actually, you know, taken over the lease. He, to the best of knowledge, has currently paid nothing of the tax. 

So I don't know what they hysterics there were all about but I'm angry at it and unreasonably hurt because of the whole history of roomates, and also really, really guilty about the 100. And just...disappointed that this is how yet another roommate episode ends for me, in recriminations and blocked facebook accounts and shit.

Was I really so appalingly amiss with the 100USD? It was a hectic 24 hours with a lot of unexpected things going on, I had no change to stop at the bank or by the house, my computer was packed up, and I was absolutely certain i'd be able to transfer it basically the next day. Once I realized I couldn't, I told them (her?) that and offered an alternative, which they (she?) refused, repeatedly, to take. I don't know what I could have done about the (fictive) student discount which he never mentioned to me for the past three months (or contacted me at all.) I know I can be lackadisical about small sums of money - I'm generally relaxed about people paying me back for stuff like that (Ex-Friend still owes me 50USD for an electric bill from March. There was some mention of her having paid for me on the last one after I was gone, my share of which wouldn't have come to anywhere near 50, but whatever. Lets say its balanced.) and so was third roomie, so we fell into this pattern. I don't recall ever actually stiffing someone, but I'm a procrastinator, and that includes procrastination in dealing with bank transfers and the like, but I don't think I've ever been catastrophic about it. If they'd made it clear the 100USD was urgently needed right now, I'd have...I don't know. Mobilized my sister or something. 

I guess what's left to me is to muddle through the city-tax refund  (maybe just the landlords sign-off will do. Hes the one who has the signed contracts,) when I get back and see what happens if I do manage to get it back and they suddenly contact him demanding he now pay up. Meanwhile I don't even have his bank account number to transfer the 100 USD, and I'm now really wary of just dropping off the cash, which is what I would have done before - I want some signiature or electronic trail or something. I also don't want to deal with either of them in any way ever again. I've been running crazy batman scenarios where I put and envelope by the door, knock, hide, and film them picking it up or something. (Ok, I won't do that, but something. It was fun working through the logistics.)

/ok done venting. 

 

 

 

 

[zelticgar]

I stopped reading after the part about you not being able to transfer money. Related to the immediate issue - Paypal, Western Union, Signed check in the mail. (or whatever equivalent options there are in the country you live in). What is so complicated about sending $100 USD in 2016 when you are near an internet connection or a mail stop? Worst case scenario, ask a relative or friend to float it. It just seems really passive aggressive, like through the roof PA. 

Related to the macro issue of your problems with roommates and friends - I think you hit it on the head when you called out the common denominator at the start of the post. You may want to try living solo, it seems like you have a lot going on and lead a very busy and consuming life, roommates just add stress and drama. Why bother? 

 

 

[Pebble thats Stubby]

hugs

So sorry you have to deal with this shit.   It sounds like you are better off without those friends.

 

Could you not just post them a Cheque?  If you write down the cheque number you can see it show up on your bank statement.  and if your that worried take a photo of the cheque before posting so you have proof of who its made out too.

I don't see how they can possibly sue your parents, unless they acted as guarantor for you.   Your legally an adult now and legally a separate entity from your parents - although I do know nothing about Israeli law so could be wrong.

 

Although if you do wait till you are back, then its probably best to just go round with the money and a receipt written out just needing signing for the $100  and some wording that this covers everything you owe and is the final settlement of any rent/ fees owed by you.    Yes this means going round there and speaking to them,  bring a friend to witness everything.

[Eyelesbarrow]

sorry to hear this, DP. People are assholes. 

DP, can you go back living with your parents? (I cannot remember if you are in the same city as them). Parents can be maddening but at least they will not scam you and will even feed you. 

 

[Datepalm]

Hmmm, it honestly never occured to me to use Western Union or such. We specifically agreed on the bank transfer, so I really tried to do that for a while (registering a new number, having a lot of long skype call with the bank people, recruiting my sister to pick up an old number, etc) and when that fell through I told them that and it appeared we agreed that it was ok and we'd just wait until I got back, before this new thing with the city tax a few days ago. They'd have to get back in communication and go pick up a WU transfer, which I now don't particularly trust them to do, but it could solve it.

And, doh, of course a cheque! I don't use cheques for anything. I thought of secret camera before I thought of cheque. 

My parents have absolutely nothing to do with it. They've never met, don't have their contact details, don't know their address, and my parents are in no way financially liable for the apartment (not as guarantors or anything)...I have no idea how they'd even go around suing them or on what grounds. It was just a kind of petty, threatening thing to say to be, well, petty and threatening, I think. (Not to mention technically laughable, as any attorneys fee would be higher. The only reasonable legal thing they could do would be to take me to small claims court, which is built for this kind of thing. There's been no mention of that.) 

Yeah, my current plans are to stay with my parents or pretty much stick to sublets. I'm only going to be in the country for about 8 months and there might be a long trip soonish, and I'm not sure what city i'm going to be living in after that, and what i've learned is to just sign no long-term contracts for housing with anyone ever, at this point. And never, ever engage with sharing Jerusalem's municipal tax and its byzantine, mysteried and endlessly manipulated discounts ever again. It led to a month of competitive identity politics over who would file for the discount with the lefty roomates (not involving me, oddly enough - I was straightforwadly eligible because i'd had no income the previous quarter) and a public screaming row (also not involving me) with the really right wing roomates (attempt to game the system by claiming a disabled veteran boyfriend of aunts status by one was sabotaged by other in order to achieve a slight reduction for herself in some other way in a ploy of such intricacy that Littlefinger would be proud of it and a depth of small meanness by all involved that even GRRM would never bring himself to write. Well, not in ASOIAF. Maybe in one of his depressing late 70's stories.)  

[litechick]

Drunken Response:  (based on thread title alone)

You might want to consider the possibility that you are a weirdo.  Of course, I am on board with Homer Simpson when he says, 'Let your freak flag fly.'

Go ahead and be weird.  Everyone is weird somehow, it's really just a question of how hard we try to disguise our inner weirdo.  Embrace it and feel the freedom that comes with non-conformity.

[ThinkerX]

On ‎10‎/‎14‎/‎2016 at 3:30 AM, Datepalm said:

Hmmm, it honestly never occured to me to use Western Union or such.

I find this downright bizarre.  Even I, in far off semi-rural Alaska, have sent money via Western Union a time or two. 

 

[Erik of Hazelfield]

I think some people are just very sensitive when it comes to money, having been burned in the past. 100 USD owed and not repaid for immediately suddenly means you're a scumbag. Every excuse from you sounds like, well, an excuse at that point, even if it's perfectly reasonable to you.

That said, the complete hostility and refusal to talk is bullshit. And that makes me think they both have querulant tendecies. People like that can spend their whole lives complaining about minor stuff. (But I'm RIGHT, dammit!)

 

[Datepalm]

No, I've used WU, it was available, and it should have occurred to me and I should have suggested it (in fact, just done it, perhaps, and informed them of it and left it there) but since they asked for a transfer, and I tried to make a transfer, and when I failed to make a transfer they said, 'ok, keep trying, no prob,' my mind didn't go to the WU route but kept looking for more convoluted ways to make a transfer.

[Free Northman Reborn]

So just out of curiosity, what line of work are you in that makes you live in so many different countries for months at a time? And why places like the DRC and some of the other developing countries you have mentioned in the past? Do you work for the United Nations or something? And leading on from that, if you work for such an organization, why are you forced to sublet accommodation with strangers and semi-strange aquaintances?

I've often wondered, when reading some of your interesting reports. Maybe everyone else around here knows, but I seem to have missed that bit.

[Datepalm]

I am definitely not attempting to a. foment an Anarcho-Marxist revolution, b. fill a gaping emotional void with passport stamps, c. collect material for a scandalous epistolary memoir structured as internet forum posts. 

[Tears of Lys]

On ‎10‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 2:43 AM, litechick said:

Drunken Response:  (based on thread title alone)

You might want to consider the possibility that you are a weirdo.  Of course, I am on board with Homer Simpson when he says, 'Let your freak flag fly.'

Go ahead and be weird.  Everyone is weird somehow, it's really just a question of how hard we try to disguise our inner weirdo.  Embrace it and feel the freedom that comes with non-conformity.

I approve this message.   

On ‎10‎/‎18‎/‎2016 at 0:45 AM, ThinkerX said:

I find this downright bizarre.  Even I, in far off semi-rural Alaska, have sent money via Western Union a time or two. 

 

Eh, I've managed to be oblivious to the obvious answer myself a time or two.  I'm inclined to give her a pass on this.  Expand your imagination a bit more - it's not THAT bizarre.

On ‎10‎/‎20‎/‎2016 at 2:10 AM, The Great Unwashed said:

Honestly, I really wouldn't sweat this one if I were you. From what it sounds like (and please correct me if I'm wrong) but you really never "owed" him money. He actually owed you $200 (municipal tax of $300 less the $100 for the last week's rent). On top of that, you offered a solution of providing your friend with your CC number to rectify the situation and she refused to accept that course of action even though it's a perfectly valid one. You made two good-faith efforts to pay back the money and were rebuffed both times and then were subjected to your ex-roommate going on some sort of power trip. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet by getting out IMO.

Ding, ding, ding - we have a winner!   This guy who says you owe him money and who has blocked you from his Facebook account (boo-hoo) needs to fuck off.

And no one can ever be even remotely called a "friend" who makes threats to sue your parents.  If anything in your story is bizarre, it's this part.  I mean, truly, WTF?? 

BTW, does anyone on this board have any **good** stories of living with roommates?  From what I can tell, it's one of the nastier levels of Hell. 

[Datepalm]

May be a base of negative bias - a good roomate is like a functioning piece of public infrastructure. Your base expectation is that this will be ok and it only gets talked about when the bridge collapses and the road floods. 

I've had a few ok ones, and I think they were defined by particularly laissez faire personalities and, especially, a very low involvement of money. I had a two month sublet that was totally chill, civil and friendly with absolutely zero dramatics of any kind...probably because I had no financial involvement at all with the two people I was living with. It was also an ex lawyers office or something coverted to an apartment, so a slightly labyrinthine layout that kind of ensured we didn't see each other that much. The living room on that one was really abandoned. I did once acciddentally overhead one of them having sex on the shared balcony, but that's where the laissez faire personality - mine, in this case - comes in. The third roommate on this particular debacle was also great to live with, actually, but he's a radical anarchist protest drummer.