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Working, with small children


Zoë Sumra

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Comma in title entirely intentional.

I am due to come off maternity leave on 3rd January (the first working day after Christmas).  After paying for nursery fees and travel to/from work, my take-home will be approximately £300 per month. This is causing me some serious qualms about going back at all, and I have another week to make up my mind.

Plus sides of going back: £300 per month adds up, workplace pension contributions continue, national insurance payments continue (assuming the state pension still exists in thirty-five years or so), procurement is a useful skill to hone, career gaps are difficult to explain, and I'd be eligible for maternity leave again if we have another child. Minus sides: I genuinely enjoy being at home with the baby, I've got a lot of writing done that I wouldn't have done as quickly were I working 8.30-5.30 as well (when my boss gave my leaving speech he announced I was taking a year off to write another novel. He was right: I finished the first draft yesterday), we may be able to make up the income - though not the pension contributions - from elsewhere, and my stress levels would be far lower.

For those of you who did and didn't work while parenting toddlers, how did you balance life?

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Zoe, I don't have kids so can't give you insight on that side.  But we had planned on having children who have not happened.   We had worked out the cost of childcare and what we would get with me working.  Although right now I make a lot more money that I would if I returned to work after pregnancy this is because I work shifts.  So I would have to change my job to day work.  But even then the money left over was not that great, when we would need early childcare since Hubby and my Start times are so high.  

 
 At first we thought I would go back to work after the first one, then I'd only need to be back for 6 months before qualifying for another year off at full pay if I was pregnant again(I get very good maternity leave)    But as we looked more into, the more we felt given our financial (no mortgage or loads and Husband with a well paid secure job and both of us with good pensions) position that it just was not worth it, and I planned to give up work full time.    I might get a small part time job "to get out of the house and interact with adults" but nothing that would pay any great amount

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I have huge amounts of respect for those that do manage to go back to work and find balance, I know most people really are not as financially  lucky as we have been.  I know for a lot of people going back to work is not a choice, but a necessity.


The only advise I can give you is to look at all your options.   - Can you go back part time?  Can you work from home some days each week?  How secure is your husbands income?  If your not working will he need to work longer hours and thus get less time with you and your little one?  Are you able to have one of you working early but finishing early and one starting later, thus reducing the hours needed for childcare?  If you do decide to be a SAHM do you plan on going back when she is older?  When?  Are you ok with starting near the bottom again? for less pay than now?  Carear gaps are hard, but explainable with young children are involved.     You have had a year off already, how are you coping with the No Adults to talk to during the day? If you struggle with this now it will only get worse as time goes on.


Hugs, the decision is not easy. whatever you decide, if you do go back you can always leave again.  If you stay at home, you can always try to get different job.  Its ok to change you mind.

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How do you balance or how do you pay for it? Childcare/pre-school/nursery was a huge expense. We'd saved up quite a bit for fertility treatments when I was trying to get pregnant. As it turned out,  we only needed the less expensive kind, so we used the extra for a cushion to soften the daycare blow.

Quite frankly, I was anxious to go back to work. I love my job and would be a terrible SAHM. Both kids went to pre-school on my college's campus so I would see them often during the week. I also have summers off, which allows for a few months of fun with kids. To be honest,  it's harder arranging my schedule now that they are older and they  have after school demands. 

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I worked a full time job (50+ hours a week) with two children. I went back to work both times after 7 weeks because I was young and the thought of staying home was panic inducing. Balance is perfectly possible. It's all about priorities and getting into a routine...and your significant other MUST help you. That's not even negotiable. He helped create this baby. He doesn't get to sit around playing video games after work while you clean up after him and a baby. You already have one child--you don't need another. He MUST pitch in and help. 

Oh, and a man staying home with his children is NOT babysitting. It's called being a parent. 

The thing is, your baby is still a baby. Wait till he or she is a toddler and into everything. You'll literally need eyes in the back of your head because with kids, anything can and does happen. Then they go to school and it's run run run run for the next 15 years. It's fun but exhausting. And when you have 50 fewer hours a week to do things like laundry it can get a little hairy. I used to get up at 4 am just to throw a load of clothes in. My daughter played AAU/Junior Olympic ball and one summer we traveled 10 weekends in a row. My kitchen floor was so awful your shoes would stick to it. LOL 

Now that it's over and the kids are grown, I miss it sometimes. If you can afford to stay home, though, give it a try. If it doesn't work out for you, you can always go back to work. 

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Hi!  I was desperate to get back to get back after 6 months off with my twins, but maybe because it was twins!  It wasn't a question after I had my son.  I have a demanding career, as does my husband, so time is always an issue for us.  I would be a lousy SAHM, though, so it's better for everyone that I don't.

Whether you can go back to work later/work part time will depend on your industry and your position.  I'm an attorney, which means that part time basically means work a full time job for less pay.  Reentry (because of the continuing need to update skills etc.) is not easy.  But, e.g., medical field can be way more forgiving of part time work.  Also, personally, I like having my own money and not being dependent on my husband.  As a lot of people on here know, our relationship has  not always been 100% great - we've almost split up a couple of times - and knowing at all times that I am not trapped is a huge benefit.  

Like others have said "balance", whatever the heck that is, means you can't have it all.  You have to use your time wisely and also be thoughtful about doing things you care about (if you don't need a spotless house, don't have a spotless house, but if it keeps you sane, stay up that extra hour to pick up).  Whether you SAH or work, you need your partner with you 100%.  My like works because my husband carries his weight (more figuratively, and less literally, more recently).  He was the one who went to my son's school Thanksgiving "do" at school in the middle of the day because I had calls, for instance.  

 

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It's something I have been dealing with recently. My little girl is 20 months and I went back in February.

 

in a way, I think you are framing your take home in a slightly old fashioned way (I could be wrong) in saying "your" take home would be £300. I'm guessing you are factoring the full childcare costs into your salary. I wouldn't. I'd use half. Your husband/partner should be contributing the other half regardless. If nothing else , you want a ready source of "you" money, whether that be for sanitary paraphernalia, clotheths, make up or a coffee in Costa.

 

we had discussed me maybe staying at home. Turns out I , personally, am not cut out for full time satm. I'm finding toddlerhood tough on days I have her all by myself. (I found small babyhood much easier).

 

we have developed our own routines. I'm up at six, in work by 7:30 and leave at 4-4:20. Pick her up at 5-6:10 depending on whether I walk the dog before or after picking her up. J and she get up between 7:30 and i8:30. He feeds, dresses and drops her into creche. I've probably taken 3/4 of her sick days as I have flexi time.

 

she stays up til 8:30 or 9 so both of us see her in the evening. Im still breastfeeding but it's not been an issue so far.

 

i like working. It provides a structure to my day that I need for my mental health. Financially, I like having my own money. National pension contributions are valuable as are private pension contributions. 

 

having said that, I can see the merits to part time, especially as they get older and have after school commitments.

 

 

 

 

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Thank you, all.

Deedles, I've been factoring the childcare cost into my salary instead of both because if one of us didn't work, it would definitely be me.  This isn't for immediate sensible reasons - I earn a little more than he does - but because he, the extravert in our marriage, has a need for adult company daily that I lack entirely (plus the factor of putting me back to two full time jobs and a part time job without factoring in parenting.  Not that I'd get to do much parenting midweek as I'd be leaving at 7.30am and getting home at 6.30pm).  He contributes financially and in terms of parenting, and if I did go back we would split the nursery fee cost.

Pebble, working from home isn't an option as, in order to be permitted to do it on other than an emergency basis, I would have to prove that the baby is in nursery, which defeats the objects of spending more time with her and less ££ on childcare.  Part time is indeed a serious option.  Unless I resign in the next couple of days I'm going to put in a request to work four days a week.  (Zabzie, I have a specialist admin job - print procurement - rather than lawyer, accountant etc.)  Going to less than four days would involve a job share arrangement.  Calculations would also be required regarding monthly or annual travelcard versus pay-as-you-go for shorter weeks - I haven't figured out where the cut-off lies yet.

There's always the option of trying it and then giving up if it's driving me totally up the wall...?!  The nursery we've pencilled in only wants a one month notice, same as work.  I may feel differently after restarting work depending on how quickly I can type my second draft, as the book work from that point will be a lot less intense till I'm at early draft stage in a future book.  I dislocated a finger the other week and while I can type with it, it's stiffer than normal and will slow me down.

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I'm finding this "his money" v. "her money" conversation very interesting. We just have "our" money. Currently, husband makes approx $20k more than me, but I carry all our benefits, as mine are much better. No doubt it will change when we retire and kids are older because I have a much better retirement plan and an sockng away more than him on my employer's contributions. (We both put in to our own accounts individually as well) Futhermore, I've got a really good tution benefit program. 

Where we get into sticky bits with parenting is who stays home for sick kid/snow/days off school. We try to split it, but my job is less than a mile from our house so I always get called for the emergencies. (And when they were small, pre-school was literally just a 30 second walk to the next building over). The first time I was called for a sick kid, I was there in 5 minutes and the staff was amazed. For example, just yesterday the kids had a snow day. Husband says "SNOW! YOU GET TO STAY HOME WITH MOM!!" and I quickly corrected him that I had things to do at work. We split the day. 

In the end, it usually works out. But sometimes not without yelling.

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8 minutes ago, Whitestripe said:

I'm finding this "his money" v. "her money" conversation very interesting. We just have "our" money. Currently, husband makes approx $20k more than me, but I carry all our benefits, as mine are much better. No doubt it will change when we retire and kids are older because I have a much better retirement plan and an sockng away more than him on my employer's contributions. (We both put in to our own accounts individually as well) Futhermore, I've got a really good tution benefit program. 

Where we get into sticky bits with parenting is who stays home for sick kid/snow/days off school. We try to split it, but my job is less than a mile from our house so I always get called for the emergencies. (And when they were small, pre-school was literally just a 30 second walk to the next building over). The first time I was called for a sick kid, I was there in 5 minutes and the staff was amazed. For example, just yesterday the kids had a snow day. Husband says "SNOW! YOU GET TO STAY HOME WITH MOM!!" and I quickly corrected him that I had things to do at work. We split the day. 

In the end, it usually works out. But sometimes not without yelling.

We have his and hers and ours. We don't really police it though.

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It's not rigid . We will share and share alike. I just continue to have my bank account and he has his. Joint savings and bills . It's fairly sprawling. My current, his current, bills and mortgage, current expenditure savings(known costs such as a new car, attic conversion, new doors, painting and decorating that sort of thing), long term undefined savings, As future education expenses, As childrens allowance (technically investment in shares), taxes, management fees and unexpected expenses for an apartment I used to live in that is currently rented, a unit linked long term savings and I think that's it! Ive a holiday fund at work. I also have a salary sacrifice and bonus sacrifice tax efficient account at work. I'll start selling released shares in that next year. Our pay goes into the current accounts, then gets divvied up into the various accounts and we can spend the rest. The Crèche fees actually come out of his account. Then it's whoever feels like paying. 

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18 hours ago, Whitestripe said:

I'm finding this "his money" v. "her money" conversation very interesting. We just have "our" money. Currently, husband makes approx $20k more than me, but I carry all our benefits, as mine are much better. No doubt it will change when we retire and kids are older because I have a much better retirement plan and an sockng away more than him on my employer's contributions. (We both put in to our own accounts individually as well) Futhermore, I've got a really good tution benefit program. 

Where we get into sticky bits with parenting is who stays home for sick kid/snow/days off school. We try to split it, but my job is less than a mile from our house so I always get called for the emergencies. (And when they were small, pre-school was literally just a 30 second walk to the next building over). The first time I was called for a sick kid, I was there in 5 minutes and the staff was amazed. For example, just yesterday the kids had a snow day. Husband says "SNOW! YOU GET TO STAY HOME WITH MOM!!" and I quickly corrected him that I had things to do at work. We split the day. 

In the end, it usually works out. But sometimes not without yelling.

I will never do "our" money again. Never. It's yours, mine and ours. 

My husband never took sick days to stay home with the kids. Not once. It was always me. He was at the top of the totem pole and could take days off whenever he wanted. I used to get so angry. 

One time, I had two kids who were sick as dogs with strep throat. I was stuck home alone for THREE DAYS. He came home from work on the third day and informed me (not asked) that he was going to go grab a beer with his brother. I was furious. So, he went to grab a shower. I grabbed my car keys and left and I turned off the phone. I went to the gym, then to the mall, then stopped and had a drink and flirted with the bartender. I was gone for almost 3 hours. When I finally got home, he looked like he'd been through the wringer and I had zero sympathy for him. He apologized and said he had no idea that's what I'd been dealing with all week. 

 

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I have lived and worked in the UK (when I had one child) and now live and work full time in Sweden (two children).

A couple of things to keep in mind:

* I counted like you did with my salary - child care costs and ended up ´with about similar calculations, yet I still went back full time. It was occasionally stressful, but what was the worst bummer of all was the unpaid sick leave I had to take when me or my child were ill. That often put us in the red with the equation "my salary - child care cost", but my place of work was pretty terrible. This is a real thing, and especially during flu season, it can be brutal. Do you have any back up child care arrangements, like grandparents or the like then it can help cushion the blow, but brace for it, since at some point it is bound to happen and it is going to suck.

* Babies are really, really easy to take care about. Ro told me years ago they are like sacks of potatoes, and she wasn't wrong. You can take them anywhere, they stay where you put them, as long as they get food, clean nappies, cuddles and sleep they are really quite delightful and easy to be around. Toddlers on the other hand are a royal pain in the arse. They are extremely energetic, they talk all the time, they never stay still, you need to be on point constantly to see that they don't draw on the TV, climb on the furniture, brush the cat with the toothbrush or manage to create a flood in the bathroom. If you have more than one, some of these things can happen at once and often do. My point here is: toddlers are HARD WORK. Extremely hard work. Don't kid yourself that the stuff you got done during the baby time you will get done during the toddler time because I am sorry to say it, but even with an ironfisted organisation (and I am a pretty hardcore organiser of everything) things will devolve into anarchy. Toddlers have no downtime unless they are asleep.

* Having  a second child. One toddler is hard work, take a toddler jealous of a baby and you will wish you only had a toddler. Yes, they are lovely, and yes they are a round the clock endevour. Because when you are nursing the new baby, the toddler will generally try to cause havoc to get your attention. Not always, but often enough that it prevents you from getting anything done.

 

I guess my point is: comparing what it is like to stay home with one baby and get stuff done is not remotely what it is like to stay home with a toddler, or a second baby and a toddler. The difference is simply vast.

The run to nursery/school can be stressful, but my thinking goes somewhat like: I don't need to worry about my kids during the day when they are there. They get a lot of social interactions, great teachers trained in early reading/social work/group dynamics/etc. I can focus on my work, on what I need to do without any concerns or thoughts about their schedule, that I need to sort their food, their play time, clean up, help out with stuff, scrub down the TV for the Nth time, and hopefully that means I can spend more meaningful time with them when we are together.

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