Datepalm

Dating: to play the part of the one who doesn't wait

219 posts in this topic

Yep...there's no possible way you can warn this girl. I would be nice to her and remove yourself as much as possible other than professionally.

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Ergh. The guy from the maybe threesome/open marriage thing from last year just sent a friend request on facebook. Has a proper etiquette been worked out for this sort of thing? I don't think he's reaching out deliberately per se, because an old group pic* that I'm in just popped up and everyone else in it is probably on his list, but I'm still not sure I want to open any channels there...at the same time, I'm really bothered by ignoring it.

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If it helps, consider that a social media friend request is one of the laziest social interactions available to humanity, second only to a "like" click, and by fretting about it you have already exceeded the effort it took to send - so no need to feel bad about taking no further action. If you don't want to connect, it's OK to completely ignore it.  

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Min - from memory isnt this the guy who moved near his ex gf because he wasnt quite over her?

re his cv - is he serious about a new job or is it another manipulation to try and get you to beg him not to leave the conpany?

 

either way youre better off cutting ties, as better articulated above.

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Same guy - though he never moved near the ex in the end cos the house fell through; he has, however, since spent considerable time bitching about ex's new husband and the fact that she made the new guy spend £17k on an engagement ring, and what a terrible return on investment that is... 

He's def serious about leaving (to date I have helped him apply for 3 internal positions and at least 7 external), but is way overestimating his abilities, so likely won't be going anywhere any time soon. 

I'm really struck now at the tawdry patheticness of his scheming. His dad is an industry bigwig who has used his charm and ruthlessness* to build a huge business empire; junior uses lazy versions of the same powers to persuade a series of smart lonely women to help him use Microsoft Outlook.  

 

*yes,  there are actual newspaper articles about how much of a dick his dad is

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Min....Zomg, please just read your last post.  I know that you know what to do.  :hard stare that DOES NOT MEAN POISON:

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I...think you're describing one of the hot-but-terrible rich kids Rory inexplicably falls for on Gilmore Girls here! I can't even imagine this guy as a real person - I see him in cartoon.

Also, could you maybe nudge/shove him into the way of a position he can actually fill (I dunno, shoeshiner and lickspittle for Brexit negotiators or something. Is there another up-and-coming economic sector in London at the moment?) and so get rid of him?

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3 hours ago, Datepalm said:

Also, could you maybe nudge/shove him into the way of a position he can actually fill (I dunno, shoeshiner and lickspittle for Brexit negotiators or something. Is there another up-and-coming economic sector in London at the moment?) and so get rid of him?

Alas, this would involve me resuming my unpaid position as career counsellor, and he's getting no more of that from me; I'll just have to suck it up and tolerate his presence for the forseeable.

Lily, fear not, I'm having a productive weekend enumerating the ways in which this guy sucks, to armour myself against any temptations to be reeled back in. I suspect he won't try to do this until a) he realises that certain of my skillsets can't be so easily replaced by other members of his harem*; b ) he needs someone to make New Girl jealous and keep her on edge; c) his ego wants a demonstration of how his control cannot be breached, or d) he's bored and nobody else is available. So I have a while yet to build up my defences. In the meantime, here's a sample to edify and entertain all y'all:

- he has literal tantrums in high-end shops so that the salespeople will give him a discount. I've never witnessed this in person, just heard about it when he boasts about it in "what did you do over the weekend" conversations.

- his gf takes countless photos of him whenever they go anywhere; he then sends them on to all the other women he's stringing along. Does she know about this? I have no idea.

- I *think* I managed to persuade him that Breitbart is not actually a credible centre-right news outlet? (this was pre-Trump) - but now I wonder if he was just pretending to have been persuaded

- He has a crush on Michael Fassbender because he looks remarkably like himself.

 

*he has at least one other ex from years ago who coincidentally also works elsewhere in my building; he used to lie about his lunch plans and sneak out with her occasionally, much in the way that he's started doing with New Girl - I let it slide back then cos obviously they had some weird history going on. I still do not know whether he was being deliberately obvious with the subterfuge, or whether he was just really crap at it.

 

ETA: To be fair, I can credit my last two promotions at work to the fact that "trying to impress this guy" dragged me out of a terminal motivation slump. So it's not been a total wash. But I'm pretty confident now that I can extricate myself and ditch this asshole for good

Edited by MinDonner
xtra info

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13 hours ago, MinDonner said:

Same guy - though he never moved near the ex in the end cos the house fell through; he has, however, since spent considerable time bitching about ex's new husband and the fact that she made the new guy spend £17k on an engagement ring, and what a terrible return on investment that is... 

He's def serious about leaving (to date I have helped him apply for 3 internal positions and at least 7 external), but is way overestimating his abilities, so likely won't be going anywhere any time soon. 

I'm really struck now at the tawdry patheticness of his scheming. His dad is an industry bigwig who has used his charm and ruthlessness* to build a huge business empire; junior uses lazy versions of the same powers to persuade a series of smart lonely women to help him use Microsoft Outlook.  

 

*yes,  there are actual newspaper articles about how much of a dick his dad is

I is it just me or does this guy come across as a Donald Trump in the early stages?

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8 hours ago, maarsen said:

I is it just me or does this guy come across as a Donald Trump in the early stages?

I was thinking Chava from Club de Cuervos but I'm not sure how many other people watch it (Netflix show).

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13 hours ago, MinDonner said:

Alas, this would involve me resuming my unpaid position as career counsellor, and he's getting no more of that from me; I'll just have to suck it up and tolerate his presence for the forseeable.

Lily, fear not, I'm having a productive weekend enumerating the ways in which this guy sucks, to armour myself against any temptations to be reeled back in. I suspect he won't try to do this until a) he realises that certain of my skillsets can't be so easily replaced by other members of his harem*; b ) he needs someone to make New Girl jealous and keep her on edge; c) his ego wants a demonstration of how his control cannot be breached, or d) he's bored and nobody else is available. So I have a while yet to build up my defences. In the meantime, here's a sample to edify and entertain all y'all:

- he has literal tantrums in high-end shops so that the salespeople will give him a discount. I've never witnessed this in person, just heard about it when he boasts about it in "what did you do over the weekend" conversations.

- his gf takes countless photos of him whenever they go anywhere; he then sends them on to all the other women he's stringing along. Does she know about this? I have no idea.

- I *think* I managed to persuade him that Breitbart is not actually a credible centre-right news outlet? (this was pre-Trump) - but now I wonder if he was just pretending to have been persuaded

- He has a crush on Michael Fassbender because he looks remarkably like himself.

 

*he has at least one other ex from years ago who coincidentally also works elsewhere in my building; he used to lie about his lunch plans and sneak out with her occasionally, much in the way that he's started doing with New Girl - I let it slide back then cos obviously they had some weird history going on. I still do not know whether he was being deliberately obvious with the subterfuge, or whether he was just really crap at it.

 

ETA: To be fair, I can credit my last two promotions at work to the fact that "trying to impress this guy" dragged me out of a terminal motivation slump. So it's not been a total wash. But I'm pretty confident now that I can extricate myself and ditch this asshole for good

I work in a shop and honestly 5 years in retail has taught me not to back down when grown ass men throw tantrums now. I have perfected the glare back at them to make them feel optimum embarrassment over their ridiculous displays. Lmao. What a total asshole. 

Can understand now what you mean by Hot tho if he looks like Fassbender! 

Even still you'll be well rid :D

Edited by Theda Baratheon

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The marvellous Captain Awkward linked to this Margaret Atwood poem, "Siren Song", the other day, which is pointedly relevant:

 

This is the one song everyone

would like to learn: the song

that is irresistible:

 

the song that forces men

to leap overboard in squadrons

even though they see the beached skulls

 

the song nobody knows

because anyone who has heard it

is dead, and the others can't remember.

 

Shall I tell you the secret

and if I do, will you get me

out of this bird suit?

 

I don't enjoy it here

squatting on this island

looking picturesque and mythical

 

with these two feathery maniacs,

I don't enjoy singing

this trio, fatal and valuable.

 

I will tell the secret to you,

to you, only to you.

Come closer. This song

 

is a cry for help: Help me!

Only you, only you can,

you are unique

 

at last. Alas

it is a boring song

but it works every time.

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I like that poem, and I credit Captain Awkward with my being an occasionally halfway socially competent adult.

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I wonder if the board hive mind has any thoughts or advice for my present (absence of a) love life.

Backstory. A little while ago I met a good friend's sister when she joined us for a group hike. I thought we hit it off so I asked her out and she said yes. We had a pretty good date but I found out she was moving away to a distant part of the country. Fair enough, I said bye and wished her well and moved on. Recently, she moved back here and we ran into each other at another mutual friend-group event, and there ended up being some making out. I told her straight-up that I liked her a lot and would she like to go out again? The answer was no. It was a soft no, with lots of reassurance that she liked spending time with me but she was too busy and would be away a lot for university and such like, but it still boiled down to no. That's fine, I'm a big boy and I can handle that.

What I didn't bank on was that since we share basically the same friend-cirlce we just keep running into each other, and it's affecting me more than I though it would, and making me feel very down. Apparently my feelings are a lot stronger than I originally thought? I think it would be good to get some space and not see or talk to this person for a while, so I can get over this whole situation. I definitely don't want to make a big deal out of it or anything. Beyond not initiating communication I'm thinking I'll just check in advance if she'll be at a gathering and bow out from attending if she is. I'll also look to host a few events myself where I can control the list of invitees.

The problem is that my broader social group heavily subscribes to the old geek social falacy that everyone in the group must always be invited to everything and must attend everything they are invited to (slight exaggeration for effect but the broader principle stands). I really don't want this decision of mine to be a big thing, but I know that if I avoid lots of events or fail to invite friend's sister to my own gatherings then there will be questions (especially from said friend). Is there any way of doing this gracefully without raising drama that I'd rather not raise?

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8 minutes ago, Liffguard said:

I wonder if the board hive mind has any thoughts or advice for my present (absence of a) love life.

Backstory. A little while ago I met a good friend's sister when she joined us for a group hike. I thought we hit it off so I asked her out and she said yes. We had a pretty good date but I found out she was moving away to a distant part of the country. Fair enough, I said bye and wished her well and moved on. Recently, she moved back here and we ran into each other at another mutual friend-group event, and there ended up being some making out. I told her straight-up that I liked her a lot and would she like to go out again? The answer was no. It was a soft no, with lots of reassurance that she liked spending time with me but she was too busy and would be away a lot for university and such like, but it still boiled down to no. That's fine, I'm a big boy and I can handle that.

What I didn't bank on was that since we share basically the same friend-cirlce we just keep running into each other, and it's affecting me more than I though it would, and making me feel very down. Apparently my feelings are a lot stronger than I originally thought? I think it would be good to get some space and not see or talk to this person for a while, so I can get over this whole situation. I definitely don't want to make a big deal out of it or anything. Beyond not initiating communication I'm thinking I'll just check in advance if she'll be at a gathering and bow out from attending if she is. I'll also look to host a few events myself where I can control the list of invitees.

The problem is that my broader social group heavily subscribes to the old geek social falacy that everyone in the group must always be invited to everything and must attend everything they are invited to (slight exaggeration for effect but the broader principle stands). I really don't want this decision of mine to be a big thing, but I know that if I avoid lots of events or fail to invite friend's sister to my own gatherings then there will be questions (especially from said friend). Is there any way of doing this gracefully without raising drama that I'd rather not raise?

I would suggest that possibly your feelings for her are based a lot on her slight rejection of you rather than any deep meaningful connection.

Realising that will make your meetings a bit easier I'd say. Avoiding situations where she will be there will only build up her importance to you in your head and make things worse, so I'd make sure you go to everything.

And then the best cure for any love sickness is to get back out there and enjoy dating. Meet someone other people and get some perspective on the situation.

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1 hour ago, Liffguard said:

I wonder if the board hive mind has any thoughts or advice for my present (absence of a) love life.

Backstory. A little while ago I met a good friend's sister when she joined us for a group hike. I thought we hit it off so I asked her out and she said yes. We had a pretty good date but I found out she was moving away to a distant part of the country. Fair enough, I said bye and wished her well and moved on. Recently, she moved back here and we ran into each other at another mutual friend-group event, and there ended up being some making out. I told her straight-up that I liked her a lot and would she like to go out again? The answer was no. It was a soft no, with lots of reassurance that she liked spending time with me but she was too busy and would be away a lot for university and such like, but it still boiled down to no. That's fine, I'm a big boy and I can handle that.

What I didn't bank on was that since we share basically the same friend-cirlce we just keep running into each other, and it's affecting me more than I though it would, and making me feel very down. Apparently my feelings are a lot stronger than I originally thought? I think it would be good to get some space and not see or talk to this person for a while, so I can get over this whole situation. I definitely don't want to make a big deal out of it or anything. Beyond not initiating communication I'm thinking I'll just check in advance if she'll be at a gathering and bow out from attending if she is. I'll also look to host a few events myself where I can control the list of invitees.

The problem is that my broader social group heavily subscribes to the old geek social falacy that everyone in the group must always be invited to everything and must attend everything they are invited to (slight exaggeration for effect but the broader principle stands). I really don't want this decision of mine to be a big thing, but I know that if I avoid lots of events or fail to invite friend's sister to my own gatherings then there will be questions (especially from said friend). Is there any way of doing this gracefully without raising drama that I'd rather not raise?

Could you not just invite her anyway, be nice to her, and just keep you emotions in check? It is hard. I have been in similar situations. She might just need some space until she is ready for a relationship with you. If you do have strong feelings for her , don't creep her out but be a friend.

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I’m wait maars, it’s not very nice to kick her out of your friend group because you have an unreciprocated crush. I also agree the hurt is more bruised ego, that’s the worst part for us all. Take some space if you need it but don’t punish her.

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15 hours ago, Kelli Fury said:

I’m wait maars, it’s not very nice to kick her out of your friend group because you have an unreciprocated crush. I also agree the hurt is more bruised ego, that’s the worst part for us all. Take some space if you need it but don’t punish her.

Sorry, I haven't communicated very well. I'm absolutely not looking to kick her out of anything (not sure how I could even if I wanted to). As you say, I'm just looking to take some space for myself so I can get over this. My only real concern is how to deal with the inevitable questions that will come if I pull back from socialising a bit.

As for ego, I don't know, you may or may not be on to something there. I get turned down loads and it hasn't been a problem before.

 

22 hours ago, maarsen said:

Could you not just invite her anyway, be nice to her, and just keep you emotions in check?

It's not that I can't keep my emotions in check, I'm capable of being friendly. It just makes me feel like shit later.

 

Quote

She might just need some space until she is ready for a relationship with you.

Nah, that's definitely not on the cards. I asked the question and got an answer. I completely accept that answer, but I feel like I need space to come to terms with it.

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6 hours ago, Liffguard said:

My only real concern is how to deal with the inevitable questions that will come if I pull back from socialising a bit.

Just tell them that you're finding that you need a bit more "me" time than you have in the past, but that for the times that you're up to going out you'd still like to join. Anyone who can't handle that and respect your need for space isn't worth having as a friend in the first place.

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