Datepalm

Dating: to play the part of the one who doesn't wait

165 posts in this topic

On the horizon my roommate's sublease is up May 1, and she sucks so I'm not keeping her. I've been dating the same guy since May of last year, (does he have a nickname in this thread or his real name? I don't recall but my bestie calls him "young boring Danzig" because she thinks he's boring and looks like devil lock era Glenn Danzig) and when I stated today I'm booting her ass in may and need to decide whether I'm moving after that or what he said "I could probably move in". I have to give her 2 months notice so I have to tell her by March 1 if I'm moving YBD in. He's here most nights anyway, so it won't be a big change. So, hive mind, advise me. How seriously should I take the offer and how should I proceed if I do? 

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1 hour ago, Kelli Fury said:

On the horizon my roommate's sublease is up May 1, and she sucks so I'm not keeping her. I've been dating the same guy since May of last year, (does he have a nickname in this thread or his real name? I don't recall but my bestie calls him "young boring Danzig" because she thinks he's boring and looks like devil lock era Glenn Danzig) and when I stated today I'm booting her ass in may and need to decide whether I'm moving after that or what he said "I could probably move in". I have to give her 2 months notice so I have to tell her by March 1 if I'm moving YBD in. He's here most nights anyway, so it won't be a big change. So, hive mind, advise me. How seriously should I take the offer and how should I proceed if I do? 

Get solo to draft a lease that gives you the option to boot him out each month if things turn sour.  Other than that, this dude sounds great, and based on the description this man sounds pretty awesome.  Best of luck with Y.B. Danziggy, who probably deserves a dedicated thread name at this point. 

Plus you're way ahead of the curve on the timeline, with six weeks for things to okay out.  

Edited by larrytheimp
At the end there, should say "play", not "okay".

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12 hours ago, Kelli Fury said:

On the horizon my roommate's sublease is up May 1, and she sucks so I'm not keeping her. I've been dating the same guy since May of last year, (does he have a nickname in this thread or his real name? I don't recall but my bestie calls him "young boring Danzig" because she thinks he's boring and looks like devil lock era Glenn Danzig) and when I stated today I'm booting her ass in may and need to decide whether I'm moving after that or what he said "I could probably move in". I have to give her 2 months notice so I have to tell her by March 1 if I'm moving YBD in. He's here most nights anyway, so it won't be a big change. So, hive mind, advise me. How seriously should I take the offer and how should I proceed if I do? 

standard disclaimer: i'm not telling you what to think but giving my opinion (which, if you've been following my posts, you'll understand is the correct opinion)

 

compel him to clarify his offer as a less pusillanimous,  more serious commitment. could? probably? you need to have a conversation with an actual answer. you're no longer in the spitballing zone; you're in the decision zone (the danger zone is left as an exercise for the reader)

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28 minutes ago, MeanMrMustard said:

compel him to clarify his offer as a less pusillanimous,  more serious commitment. could? probably? you need to have a conversation with an actual answer. you're no longer in the spitballing zone; you're in the decision zone (the danger zone is left as an exercise for the reader)

I don't really understand what additional clarification is needed.  He offered to move in, with the commitment that entail.  The statement "I could probably move in" just sounds like he is trying to make sure there isn't too much pressure and to potentially soften the rejection if K.Fury doesn't like the idea. 

I mean, it is obviously up to her whether "I could probably move in" is indeed a commitment to move in if you say yes, or if he is a mealymouthed wanker who would make this offer and then rescind it.  But if she thinks he is indeed a mealymouthed wanker, she probably should just break up with him. 

EDIT:  In terms of actual advice, I don't know what I can give.  Do you want to live with him, with all that entails?  That seems the pertinent question. 

Edited by Maithanet

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13 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

I don't really understand what additional clarification is needed

 

....whether "I could probably move in" is indeed a commitment to move in if you say yes, or if he is a mealymouthed wanker who would make this offer and then rescind it.  But if she thinks he is indeed a mealymouthed wanker, she probably should just break up with him. 

 

 

 

this is what i was i meant. she doesn't have to wonder and we don't need to assume anything about the guy either way--but the time has come for a more concrete discussion. thats the answer. talking to him about specifics, not speculating about his intentions or feelings.

 

ie, i don't think she should "take his offer" seriously or not seriously. i think what he said requires a more serious talk.

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MMM where have you been?!? Welcome back! 

 

I gave him the terms I would need (amount of notice, start day, payment arrangements). I believe the probably could was floating it without scaring me off. I previously lived, in this very same apartment, with his (now former) touring mercy guy- and I HATED it. YBD is aware how I hated living with the last guy (for good reasons) and has been very cautious in many areas to be not at all like the nightmare that guy was. Also, I can do my job anywhere and was recently offered a spot in the Netherlands so I think he is concerned about the very real possibility that a roommate kind of inconvenience would nudge me into just leaving the country. I am pretty cavalier about things like that.

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5 hours ago, MeanMrMustard said:

you're no longer in the spitballing zone; you're in the decision zone (the danger zone is left as an exercise for the reader)

I'd say once you start discussing the possibility of moving in with a sexual partner, you're on the highway to the danger zone. When you're at the point that you're seriously considering doing it, you're headed right into the danger zone. Perhaps this will help to unmuddy the waters...

 

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I am trying to get back into dating after moving to Shiny New City ended my last relationship half a year or so ago. Since online dating worked decently last time, and since everyone I know here is a colleague, I downloaded Bumble, had a few immediate matches that then never messaged, and nothing since. I am now resuscitating my okc profile, though I forgot just how awkward and nerve-wracking it is to come up with a tolerable opening message. This may take a while... 

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On 1/12/2017 at 3:46 PM, MeanMrMustard said:

standard disclaimer: i'm not telling you what to think but giving my opinion (which, if you've been following my posts, you'll understand is the correct opinion)

 

compel him to clarify his offer as a less pusillanimous,  more serious commitment. could? probably? you need to have a conversation with an actual answer. you're no longer in the spitballing zone; you're in the decision zone (the danger zone is left as an exercise for the reader)

MMM... long time no read. *tips hat*

On 1/12/2017 at 8:48 PM, Kelli Fury said:

I gave him the terms I would need (amount of notice, start day, payment arrangements). I believe the probably could was floating it without scaring me off. I previously lived, in this very same apartment, with his (now former) touring mercy guy- and I HATED it. YBD is aware how I hated living with the last guy (for good reasons) and has been very cautious in many areas to be not at all like the nightmare that guy was. Also, I can do my job anywhere and was recently offered a spot in the Netherlands so I think he is concerned about the very real possibility that a roommate kind of inconvenience would nudge me into just leaving the country. I am pretty cavalier about things like that.

Through experience, my advice about moving in with someone has become: know upfront whether you're both doing it because it's convenient or whether you actually want to live together, ie are you consciously moving the relationship forward. So pretty much what MMM said.

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As far as where I've met people over the last several years:

in my ultimate Frisbee league (ultimate is generally much better for meeting guys than girls, just based on numbers but some sort of coed rec league, volleyball, kickball, softball, bowling, plenty of places)

at a bar

at sporting events - you probably are already rooting for the same team and come pre-buzzed so often starting from the same head space

went on a few dates with a former bartender of mine long after she stopped tending bar but we have mutual friends

and for my current girlfriend, I just kept hanging out where she works until she finally asked me out on facebook.  I'd been a fixture there for a few years before she started working there, so not as creepy as it sounds...

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10 hours ago, Angalin said:

MMM... long time no read. *tips hat*

Through experience, my advice about moving in with someone has become: know upfront whether you're both doing it because it's convenient or whether you actually want to live together, ie are you consciously moving the relationship forward. So pretty much what MMM said.

Since he's essentially the PCA to his mentally ill and substance abusing brother and does not currently have to pay rent where he is this would be about as inconvenient as possible for him. So it's definitely not convenience that would motivate him, but there could be a fair degree of reasonable fear that if he does not become more of a serious thing tying me down I'd follow job opportunities out of the state or out of the country. Also, when we first started dating I made my expectations clear that I would not be dating anyone exclusively unless the understanding was that we would eventually cohabitate if things went well and that marriage would never be something I was interested in and that we would be getting a kitten if one of my elderly cats passed. 

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Tinder pet peeve:. People whose profile consists of entirely "anything you want to know just ask"

 

That's not how this works.  A conversation can be challenging enough to begin when it's based on something more substantial than 2 poorly lit pictures of you smiling, and two selfies of you making a duckface and throwing up deuces.

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On 1/16/2017 at 10:45 PM, Kelli Fury said:

Since he's essentially the PCA to his mentally ill and substance abusing brother and does not currently have to pay rent where he is this would be about as inconvenient as possible for him. So it's definitely not convenience that would motivate him, but there could be a fair degree of reasonable fear that if he does not become more of a serious thing tying me down I'd follow job opportunities out of the state or out of the country. Also, when we first started dating I made my expectations clear that I would not be dating anyone exclusively unless the understanding was that we would eventually cohabitate if things went well and that marriage would never be something I was interested in and that we would be getting a kitten if one of my elderly cats passed. 

Wow to being the PCA to his brother. That's a major commitment. Good for him for stepping up.

Sounds like he thinks things are going well enough to bring up cohabitation once your roommate moves out. It'd still be good to revisit the conversation and update expectations on all sides, changed or unchanged. I wish you the best whatever happens (and lots of cookies).

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Met someone cool at work.  Been chatting and flirting a lot in passing the last couple weeks.  The good stuff:. Smart and funny, She's only here till March (work visa), and this is a seasonal job and we work in different departments, so no weird work dynamics, plus there is a built in expiration date.  Prefers dogs to cats (sounds trivial but this has caused much turmoil in my romantic pursuits the last five or so years)!

The other stuff: Only thing that makes me hesitant is that she is 21.  I'm 33.  Didnt realize the size of the age gap until it came up in conversation today.  I don't put a lot of stock in numbers between consenting adults, but when I learned her actual age today I was surprised, I was expecting 25 at the low end (she's is a second year law student, so the age threw me.  Not in a bad way.  Now realizing the average age to law school year relationship in Brazil is likely different than in the US) Pretty sure she's interested. 

Anyways, has been fun having someone smart and fun to flirt with at work.  

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On 1/19/2017 at 8:17 PM, larrytheimp said:

Met someone cool at work.  Been chatting and flirting a lot in passing the last couple weeks.  The good stuff:. Smart and funny, She's only here till March (work visa), and this is a seasonal job and we work in different departments, so no weird work dynamics, plus there is a built in expiration date.  Prefers dogs to cats (sounds trivial but this has caused much turmoil in my romantic pursuits the last five or so years)!

The other stuff: Only thing that makes me hesitant is that she is 21.  I'm 33.  Didnt realize the size of the age gap until it came up in conversation today.  I don't put a lot of stock in numbers between consenting adults, but when I learned her actual age today I was surprised, I was expecting 25 at the low end (she's is a second year law student, so the age threw me.  Not in a bad way.  Now realizing the average age to law school year relationship in Brazil is likely different than in the US) Pretty sure she's interested. 

Anyways, has been fun having someone smart and fun to flirt with at work.  

Larry, I didn't know you weren't with the girlfriend anymore; I am so out of touch.  I'm sorry.  This woman sounds great.  I personally don't think the age thing is a big deal at all.  And you deserve someone fun and smart.

Kay, good luck navigating the YBD situation.  I don't know what to tell you.  I love living with my man (Sunny Ray.  He's small, he's furry, and stinky at times, and very demanding at all times.) but when my boyfriend comes over, he either sits on him or plops down right in between us.  He's very proprietary.

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ES- thank you! My feline overlords adore YBD. Hugo has always loved everyone he met but I always had Guava's affection all to myself. It's terribly annoying- that's MY baby.

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Thanks ES, my heart always leaps when I see Dan Halen's ugly mug gracing GenChat!  Hope you, Sunny,the kittens,and the BF are well!

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48 minutes ago, larrytheimp said:

Thanks ES, my heart always leaps when I see Dan Halen's ugly mug gracing GenChat!  Hope you, Sunny,the kittens,and the BF are well!

We are all doing really well but I am overfeeding the kittehs, and they are now ginormous felines.  They're out of control.

The boyfriend is amazing.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall and me find out that he has a secret family or is a serial killer.  I'll keep you updated. :D

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i don't understand the purpose of this thread. if one is looking for companionship one should put in for time before the regional committee on emotional and sexual liaisons. if one is of the younger generation, one may also appeal to the student committee on appropriate romantic involvement.

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