First world problems: I need a vacation from my vacation

[satori26]

So. Yeah guys.

I just spent Christmas with my family for the first time in four years (been living abroad for the last bit). We spent it at my parents' house. My brother got black-out, belligerent drunk, and my mother as well, so my dad just retired early. I took the cue to go to bed early as well. So I went to sleep and left my brother and mother to yell at each other. The next morning I found out my brother ended up driving home that night.

My brother is a raging alcoholic, and my mother enables him. I'm seriously irritated that I spent time and money to fly out and see them. If I had known he was driving, I would have called the cops. I'm getting myself ready to have a conversation about what I think of their drinking since both of them are in denial, but I don't think it will have any effect other than clearing out some of my feelings.

Anyone else sick of their family? Lighter stories definitely welcome.

[Isis]

How awful. For everyone involved. Your dad doesn't drink/as much as the other two? Maybe alcohol abuse (ie drinking in a damaging way) is how your mother relates to your brother. I hope they take your concerns seriously.

I think there is a lot of enforced jollity at Christmas, where people spend the holiday with family because they think they have to rather than because they actually want to. It can lead to these false expectations where people end up disappointed. I see Christmas as a time for rest and relaxation. But I don't get why people feel the need to do everything to excess. Lots of my friends seem to wake up every day with a hangover during the holidays and I just don't get what's fun about that. It's as if they feel they HAVE to do that. I honestly do not get it. 

[Guest]

They still need you and love you. Calling the cops is never helpful and might burn the bridge to you family forever.

Next time try to take his keys to bed, and try to help him when he is sober and apologetic. He is ashamed, he knows he has a problem, and he wants your help. Probably now, but if not then in the future.

[all swedes are racist]

3 hours ago, GrapefruitPerrier said:

They still need you and love you. Calling the cops is never helpful and might burn the bridge to you family forever.

Next time try to take his keys to bed, and try to help him when he is sober and apologetic. He is ashamed, he knows he has a problem, and he wants your help. Probably now, but if not then in the future.

Fuck that shit. Losing their license for a few years and maybe brief stint in jail will seem like a blessing next to killing themselves or someone else. 

[Errant Bard]

Ha, yeah, family meetings. It's not as bad as you, but I have had my only aunt tell me my presence prevented her from coming, among other minor annoyances inherent to such reunions.

 

7 hours ago, GrapefruitPerrier said:

They still need you and love you. Calling the cops is never helpful and might burn the bridge to you family forever.

Next time try to take his keys to bed, and try to help him when he is sober and apologetic. He is ashamed, he knows he has a problem, and he wants your help. Probably now, but if not then in the future.

Screw that, calling the cops reduces the risk of him killing someone else, not only himself, AND it forces him and you to face the situation and mayyybe have a chat, all out in the open, about it. It only has positives.

And if he persists in a destructive behaviour despites that, well, it's better if things are clear and you burned the bridges.

[Guest]

Depends on how you want to handle it, the stress of court and the legal system generally does not produce the results actually choosing rehab does. Just sayin'

[satori26]

Thanks for the replies. 

I wrote this in a bit of a hurry. He already has a dui from several years ago. I knew that he regularly goes over to my parents' to drink with my mom. I thought he always just stays over when he does drink, but considering the non-reaction from my family in response to his drunk driving I don't think that's always the case. I'm really in shock that no one seems to realize or care that other people are on the road. My dad is not happy with my brother drinking. He has told my brother he's not allowed to come over. My dad had called the police to the house before when my brother was belligerently drunk. He wasn't driving though so there were no repercussions for my brother.

No one seems to mind the driving bit though (?!?!?!?!?!!?). My family is notorious for not caring about people outside of it. But, I think everyone is also just out of ideas of what to do. My sister was there, and she was upset, but her only comment was that she would not be spending the night over at my parents' again and that when my brother ends up homeless she can't take him in because he's a stereotypical addict. 

9 hours ago, Isis said:

How awful. For everyone involved. Your dad doesn't drink/as much as the other two? Maybe alcohol abuse (ie drinking in a damaging way) is how your mother relates to your brother. I hope they take your concerns seriously.

I think you're right that my mother is trying to relate to my brother through destructive drinking. She seems to be in denial about my brother having a problem though, and maybe herself having a problem as well. 

This escalated quickly. I didn't quite realize how messed up of a situation it is until I wrote it all out. I feel like I'm being insensitive or judgmental for pointing out that enabling is going on here, and ending up in prison may well be the best thing that could happen for my brother with the path he's on. 

And, even though I love my brother, I have no patience for repeat drunk drivers. Looking away would make me an enabler. 

 

[Xray the Enforcer]

Yeah, the lack of accountability from your family re: the driving is pretty upsetting. Since your mom is not of any use (do you think you could talk to her sober?), can you enlist your sister and dad to confiscate your brother's keys when he's drinking, or barring that, call the cops every time he tries to drink and drive? Because this dude is a fatality ready to happen. 

I'm sorry that the holidays sucked so much. Good luck.

[Guest]

While there is no doubt that the drinking and driving situation is not good, a family member getting someone a DUI is a nuclear option.  Not saying it's out of the question; but it comes with side effects for sure.  If there's any way to curb the behavior without the nuclear option that would be ideal.  Best of luck. 

[DireWolfSpirit]

Has your mom been drinking and driving occasionally as well, or is it just the brother doing this?

[HexMachina]

That's an unpleasant situation. I hope you are able to sort something out.

Mine is much less serious, really I am just being a twisty sod. But while I love my family, I have decided I hate my hometown. So much so that living here for even two weeks over Christmas is barely tolerable. Get me away quick.

[Buckwheat]

The optimistic side here: I was looking forward to Christmas for the first time in years, since spending a few months away from the relatives made me cherish the time I got to spend with them during the holidays much more. Before, I always thought, well, I can see them any time I want, seeing the family for Christmas/other holidays is really nothing special. This time I actually missed them and was glad to be in the home country for a week.

[Theda Baratheon]

22 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

That's an unpleasant situation. I hope you are able to sort something out.

Mine is much less serious, really I am just being a twisty sod. But while I love my family, I have decided I hate my hometown. So much so that living here for even two weeks over Christmas is barely tolerable. Get me away quick.

I hate mine too and I just realised I've been back a full year this February LMAO. 

Sorry OP - this sounds horrible. I think you're right to have such a strong stance on drunk driving because it's just not something that should be ignored. I hope you can find a way to talk to your family about this. 

[Larry of the Lawn]

Pretty much what everyone else has said.  If someone wants to get plastered and get behind the wheel they aren't really leaving you any options.  You'd be doing them a service in the long run.  Your brother has several options other than driving.

Not that you need to be the one to step up and do this, but I'd maybe stay sober offer him a ride or cab the next time this happens.  The next day I'd let him know that you know he gets behind the wheel drunk, and that next time, you'll call the cops.  Tough part is that it sounds like you might not be around that often and addicts can spot a hollow threat a mile away.  

 Just remember that he's not likely to be rational about this, and like Trisk said realize that it may be, emotionally between the two of you, the nuclear option depending on how he handles it.  And really, addicts tend to not have many functional tools left for dealing with stuff like this.

It sucks that you're the one thats being responsible here and dealing with everyone else making bad choices or refusing to make one at all.  

Happy new year and much sympathy.  It's a shitty spot to be in worrying about a Ioved one hurting themselves or others.  Take what control you can, sounds like you are already emotionally invested in the situation and your brother isn't giving you many ways to handle this 

 

Eta: I say this having been your brother.  I was really, really, fucking lucky that a friend stepped up and said what every one else didn't or didn't know how to say, which was to tell me I was a fucking self-destructive idiot which was my choice but also dangerous to others and that despite our friendship I wasnt giving him any choice.  He asked what I'd do if a drunk driver killed someone I loved.  He told me he'd call the cops.  It sunk in.  I don't know where I'd be if he hadn't done that, but it wouldn't be any place good.