Eye Contact - how long is too long? 2 seconds? 2 minutes!?

[Theda Baratheon]

Okay; well maybe not two minutes. That's a stare at that point, probably has been for at least 110 seconds.

So - eye contact; how long is too long to maintain eye contact? 

And does it differ depending on certain situations; job interviews, talking with your closest friends, dealing with customers in work? 

How long do you usually maintain eye contact for? Does it make you uncomfortable? 

Personally I maintain eye contact quite a bit;though I realise for quite a few people it makes them very uncomfortable; I usually maintain eye contact for about 6/7 seconds AT MOST then look away briefly and then back again. 

So is maintaining eye contact a good or a bad thing? 

And does it differ culturally ? Ie. Between brits and Americans and others. 

ETA: 

Is there a difference between men and women when it comes to eye contact? What does it say about a man who holds eye contact/cant/won't hold eye contact and a woman who will/wont/cant????

[Buckwheat]

It makes me uncomfortable very soon, I feel like I am staring at somebody creepily if I look them into the eyes more than a few seconds. I am terrible at judging how long it is, but I guess shorter with pauses in between is better than staring into somebody's eyes all the time.

With friends and other close people I am fine keeping eye contact longer than relative strangers.

[Theda Baratheon]

Yeah I think theres definitely a middle ground between too short and TOO LONG - a good middle ground. 

Like I think it's polite, if you CAN without really getting uncomfortable (i don't mean to shame people who really can't do it) to try to maintain eye contact for more than a second or two at least but I think anything more than 10 seconds is very long and in danger of being a STARE. A creepy, creepy stare.

 

[Theda Baratheon]

2 minutes ago, Leap said:

I had an interview today and I felt very uncomfortable staring someone right in the eyes. I don't mind up to 3 seconds, but beyond that and I start to feel awkward. 

My theory is that awkwardness due to eye contact is proportional where d (distance between participants) is greater than 0.5m. When d > 0.5m, it becomes proportionally less awkward as the absurdity of the situation becomes apparent. 

I actually started this topic because I had an interview yesterday myself (good luck btw)

And I felt like I maintained eye contact more than the interviewer.   Who seemed more fidgety than me! I made careful not to STARE and I angled myself ever so slightly so when I was sat across from him I wasn't facing him STRAIGHT ON as that could be seen as aggressive? But I was maintaining eye contact and briefly looking away when he did as I felt like if I was interviewing someone, especially for a customer service role, if I felt like they were super awkward I would count that against their interpersonal skills which you need in customer service. I don't know if I'm being too harsh though I know not everyone feels comfortable maintaining eye contact and that's okay because not everyone is cut out for/would even WANT to work in a customer service role. 

[Sivin]

I struggle with this constantly. Just today I saw my shrink and attempted to walk the delicate cliff between unblinking stare of a psychopath and constant looking away of an assburgers.

[Theda Baratheon]

6 minutes ago, Leap said:

To you, too!

I think there's a good balance to be found for interviews. It helps if you both have some notes to refer to, and I think it helps if there's some space in the room. I also like being interviewed by multiple people at once because I specifically don't have to stare at one person straight on, you can alternate. It's when the interviewer stares (or refuses to make eye contact) that things get freaky. 

 

Yeah - I think there is a balance.

I think I prefer being interviewed by one person because I sometimes don't like having to equally afford eye contact to like 3 people haha and it's easier to read just one person. 

[Lily Valley]

1 hour ago, Leap said:

I had an interview today and I felt very uncomfortable staring someone right in the eyes. I don't mind up to 3 seconds, but beyond that and I start to feel awkward. 

My theory is that awkwardness due to eye contact is proportional where d (distance between participants) is greater than 0.5m. When d > 0.5m, it becomes proportionally less awkward as the absurdity of the situation becomes apparent. 

 

55 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I actually started this topic because I had an interview yesterday myself (good luck btw)

And I felt like I maintained eye contact more than the interviewer.   Who seemed more fidgety than me! I made careful not to STARE and I angled myself ever so slightly so when I was sat across from him I wasn't facing him STRAIGHT ON as that could be seen as aggressive? But I was maintaining eye contact and briefly looking away when he did as I felt like if I was interviewing someone, especially for a customer service role, if I felt like they were super awkward I would count that against their interpersonal skills which you need in customer service. I don't know if I'm being too harsh though I know not everyone feels comfortable maintaining eye contact and that's okay because not everyone is cut out for/would even WANT to work in a customer service role. 

I always FACE the interviewer because I want to intimidate them.  These days, I usually interview with teams and that makes the eye contact thing a lot easier as I can skip around the room.

36 minutes ago, WinterFox said:

I struggle with this constantly. Just today I saw my shrink and attempted to walk the delicate cliff between unblinking stare of a psychopath and constant looking away of an assburgers.

Dealing with my shrink is the worst.  I stare at the carpet the whole time and I only look up when she asks a question.  I don't have aspergers.  I am just very uncomfortable with sustained eye contact in charged conversations.  It feels really inappropriately intimate to me.  

I encouraged Theda to start this thread because "level of eye contact" has been a weird thing here in New Orleans with the influx of new blood.  A lot of people from the rest of the US subscribe to the "don't make eye contact with strangers" nonsense.  That makes them seem both unfriendly and also look frightened.  Both are unpleasant things to respond to in a new neighbor.  With our school system, we've been employing a lot of teachers from other parts of the country, they have COMPLETELY different styles of body language that often confuse the students.  Eye contact is one of the biggest issues.  In my completely anecdotal observations, eye contact is reserved for friendly and intimate conversations.  In business, I agree that DISTANCE increases eye contact by an inverse square law.  The most intimate conversations I've had have been either in touching proximity with ZERO eye contact or across the room with 1-3 seconds of eye contact.  It's powerful and invasive.  When forced, it feels like a weapon.

[Larry of the Lawn]

When we talk about eye contact in casa de Larry, we talk about actual physical contact between your eyeball and your pal's eyeball.  Sounds weird and is a strange sensation but it's also very addictive and pleasing.  #halfmeasuresavailusnothing

[Theda Baratheon]

3 minutes ago, larrytheimp said:

When we talk about eye contact in casa de Larry, we talk about actual physical contact between your eyeball and your pal's eyeball.  Sounds weird and is a strange sensation but it's also very addictive and pleasing.  #halfmeasuresavailusnothing

L M A O - I can safely say I've never tried this! 

7 minutes ago, Lily Valley said:

 

I always FACE the interviewer because I want to intimidate them.  These days, I usually interview with teams and that makes the eye contact thing a lot easier as I can skip around the room.

Dealing with my shrink is the worst.  I stare at the carpet the whole time and I only look up when she asks a question.  I don't have aspergers.  I am just very uncomfortable with sustained eye contact in charged conversations.  It feels really inappropriately intimate to me.  

I encouraged Theda to start this thread because "level of eye contact" has been a weird thing here in New Orleans with the influx of new blood.  A lot of people from the rest of the US subscribe to the "don't make eye contact with strangers" nonsense.  That makes them seem both unfriendly and also look frightened.  Both are unpleasant things to respond to in a new neighbor.  With our school system, we've been employing a lot of teachers from other parts of the country, they have COMPLETELY different styles of body language that often confuse the students.  Eye contact is one of the biggest issues.  In my completely anecdotal observations, eye contact is reserved for friendly and intimate conversations.  In business, I agree that DISTANCE increases eye contact by an inverse square law.  The most intimate conversations I've had have been either in touching proximity with ZERO eye contact or across the room with 1-3 seconds of eye contact.  It's powerful and invasive.  When forced, it feels like a weapon.

I think it can be a weapon definitely. I ammended my first post to include whether or not eye contact is differebt/means different things to men and women as well. I don't know if there's anything there to discuss but it seems to me it could definitely be used as a weapon.

And lol @ intimidating interviewers - I have this (perhaps totally false) image of myself as all non imposing, almost but not quite submissive due to working fcking retail for 4 years which tends to totally erode one's self esteem or maybe I'm just delusional and overdramatic lmao either way I can't imagine myself intimidating anyone  

 

[Theda Baratheon]

1 hour ago, WinterFox said:

I struggle with this constantly. Just today I saw my shrink and attempted to walk the delicate cliff between unblinking stare of a psychopath and constant looking away of an assburgers.

AHHHH. Blinking! Okay - I blink a healthy amount I think. How much is a healthy amount of blinks!?! 

[Iskaral Pust]

The person speaking should glance away more often than the person listening.  Uncomfortable eye contact happens when both people are looking at each others faces for too long without interruption. 

The listener needs to watch the speaker's face most of the time in order to pick up non-verbal cues, which is why the speaker should glance away more, but the listener should also use occasional glances away to avoid the impression of staring or zoning out -- e.g. glance at the hand gestures of the speaker, glance at notes, straighten your cuffs, brush of a speck of dust, etc .  The listener should reduce the intensity of visual lock between glances away by briefly nodding, raising eyebrows, leaning in or out slightly, inclining the head ruefully, smiling, murmuring and other acts of active listening.

At the same time, knowing that the listener must spend a lot of the time watching their face, the speaker should glance away more often to reduce the periods of mutual eye contact.  Don't look away too much or else you look disengaged or nervous, but don't wait too long to look away or else you're being too intense.  People often look up to the left slightly as they recollect a memory; you can use that as a natural way to look away.  The speaker controls the cadence and rhythm of their speaking and can use that for natural breaks in their eye direction.  It really helps to use expressive eye gestures too: raising eyebrows, crinkling with a grin, rolling slightly in exasperation, etc to reduce the intensity of a stare.  The easiest way for the speaker to not have to worry too much about this is to pause more often and let the other person speak.  If you're speaking so long that you're worried about how often to glance away, then you are speaking too long without allowing the other to participate.

Sometimes a brief intense eye lock is appropriate to emphasize importance, sincerity, empathy, anger, etc.  But it should be used briefly and in a targeted way, not some default gormless stare or uncomfortable pinning stare.

I don't know why people struggle with this.  Most people unconsciously absorb this etiquette.  Those who lack that natural capability are usually so analytical and sociopathic that it's easy for them to analyze the pattern and produce it deliberately as an act.

[A True Kaniggit]

I think it also depends on how well you know the person. Acceptable eye contact lasts least for strangers, more for aquaintances, more for friends.  

[Larry of the Lawn]

Seriously though, I remember a peer-mediation class I took in middle school where you were trained to help other students settle social disputes, they told us that 8 seconds of eye contact is the amount of time it takes to make someone feel like you're listening.

But if you do actual eyeball eyeball (do not try with contacts in!) this time is lessened to 2 seconds.

[Theda Baratheon]

32 minutes ago, Iskaral Pust said:

The person speaking should glance away more often than the person listening.  Uncomfortable eye contact happens when both people are looking at each others faces for too long without interruption. 

The listener needs to watch the speaker's face most of the time in order to pick up non-verbal cues, which is why the speaker should glance away more, but the listener should also use occasional glances away to avoid the impression of staring or zoning out -- e.g. glance at the hand gestures of the speaker, glance at notes, straighten your cuffs, brush of a speck of dust, etc .  The listener should reduce the intensity of visual lock between glances away by briefly nodding, raising eyebrows, leaning in or out slightly, inclining the head ruefully, smiling, murmuring and other acts of active listening.

At the same time, knowing that the listener must spend a lot of the time watching their face, the speaker should glance away more often to reduce the periods of mutual eye contact.  Don't look away too much or else you look disengaged or nervous, but don't wait too long to look away or else you're being too intense.  People often look up to the left slightly as they recollect a memory; you can use that as a natural way to look away.  The speaker controls the cadence and rhythm of their speaking and can use that for natural breaks in their eye direction.  It really helps to use expressive eye gestures too: raising eyebrows, crinkling with a grin, rolling slightly in exasperation, etc to reduce the intensity of a stare.  The easiest way for the speaker to not have to worry too much about this is to pause more often and let the other person speak.  If you're speaking so long that you're worried about how often to glance away, then you are speaking too long without allowing the other to participate.

Sometimes a brief intense eye lock is appropriate to emphasize importance, sincerity, empathy, anger, etc.  But it should be used briefly and in a targeted way, not some default gormless stare or uncomfortable pinning stare.

I don't know why people struggle with this.  Most people unconsciously absorb this etiquette.  Those who lack that natural capability are usually so analytical and sociopathic that it's easy for them to analyze the pattern and produce it deliberately as an act.

Yeah; I do all of this pretty much. I think I'm just over thinking as I had an interview yestrday. 

I definitely look away more when I'M talking, though I still maintain eye contact for around 6/7 seconds at times. I definitely maintain it more when I'm listening. 

Generally I think my interpersonal skills are pretty decent I just find the majority of people I speak to actually find it uncomfortable/difficult so I thought maybe the problem is me maintining it.

Do you think it's different for men and women? The etiquette surrounding it? 

[Lily Valley]

38 minutes ago, Iskaral Pust said:

The person speaking should glance away more often than the person listening.  Uncomfortable eye contact happens when both people are looking at each others faces for too long without interruption. 

The listener needs to watch the speaker's face most of the time in order to pick up non-verbal cues, which is why the speaker should glance away more, but the listener should also use occasional glances away to avoid the impression of staring or zoning out -- e.g. glance at the hand gestures of the speaker, glance at notes, straighten your cuffs, brush of a speck of dust, etc .  The listener should reduce the intensity of visual lock between glances away by briefly nodding, raising eyebrows, leaning in or out slightly, inclining the head ruefully, smiling, murmuring and other acts of active listening.

At the same time, knowing that the listener must spend a lot of the time watching their face, the speaker should glance away more often to reduce the periods of mutual eye contact.  Don't look away too much or else you look disengaged or nervous, but don't wait too long to look away or else you're being too intense.  People often look up to the left slightly as they recollect a memory; you can use that as a natural way to look away.  The speaker controls the cadence and rhythm of their speaking and can use that for natural breaks in their eye direction.  It really helps to use expressive eye gestures too: raising eyebrows, crinkling with a grin, rolling slightly in exasperation, etc to reduce the intensity of a stare.  The easiest way for the speaker to not have to worry too much about this is to pause more often and let the other person speak.  If you're speaking so long that you're worried about how often to glance away, then you are speaking too long without allowing the other to participate.

Sometimes a brief intense eye lock is appropriate to emphasize importance, sincerity, empathy, anger, etc.  But it should be used briefly and in a targeted way, not some default gormless stare or uncomfortable pinning stare.

I don't know why people struggle with this.  Most people unconsciously absorb this etiquette.  Those who lack that natural capability are usually so analytical and sociopathic that it's easy for them to analyze the pattern and produce it deliberately as an act.

GAH!!!  This is the OPPOSITE of a good conversation down here!  The SPEAKER watches the LISTENER!!!  THE LISTENER IS TALKING BACK WITH BODY LANGUAGE!  Eye contact is reserved for when the listener wants to make a point!  

Oh wait, you're talking about when someone is telling a campfire story or on a tindr date.  Carry on.

49 minutes ago, larrytheimp said:

When we talk about eye contact in casa de Larry, we talk about actual physical contact between your eyeball and your pal's eyeball.  Sounds weird and is a strange sensation but it's also very addictive and pleasing.  #halfmeasuresavailusnothing

Larry, when are you coming down to lick eyeballs?  

[HexMachina]

57 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

AHHHH. Blinking! Okay - I blink a healthy amount I think. How much is a healthy amount of blinks!?! 

The exact amount you would normally blink, until you start thinking about how much you blink. Once you start thinking about it your eyelids will flutter like hummingbird wings.

or maybe that's just me...

 

as to eye contact, I struggle too. I'm very uncomfortable maintaining eye contact, and in some cases I don't even like to look up at someone's face. I make a conscious effort where it's something important like an interview or in a job. But then I always feel like I'm staring too much.

[Larry of the Lawn]

20 minutes ago, Lily Valley said:

 

Larry, when are you cominv down to lick eyeballs?  

Eye-Con 2017, NOLA

[Theda Baratheon]

3 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said:

The exact amount you would normally blink, until you start thinking about how much you blink. Once you start thinking about it your eyelids will flutter like hummingbird wings.

or maybe that's just me...

 

as to eye contact, I struggle too. I'm very uncomfortable maintaining eye contact, and in some cases I don't even like to look up at someone's face. I make a conscious effort where it's something important like an interview or in a job. But then I always feel like I'm staring too much.

HAHAHAH yeah never think about blinking and or breathing lest you turn into a panting, flickering figure like a broken down Android 

[Lily Valley]

2 minutes ago, larrytheimp said:

Eye-Con 2017, NOLA

Do it dude.  I'll buy all the listerine so we can weep freshness at Karaoke.  While YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME!

[Theda Baratheon]

Just now, Lily Valley said:

Do it dude.  I'll buy all the listerine so we can weep freshness at Karaoke.  While YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME!

I love karaoke can I come I promise not to look at anyone