HelenaExMachina

Mental Wellbeing Thread

113 posts in this topic

I recently read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I found myself contemplating my life and all that stuff and found that there are a few areas in life that I could improve to make my life better. By happenstance I found this book at a used bookstore and immediately liked the concept. Just 12 months of 12 areas to look at! That didn't sound bad.

I'm really not depressed though. I just want to know for the future if I really am depressed that I did something before to bring myself out if a rut. 

For my twelve months I'm doing vitality/energy, religion, money, work, friendship/family, learning something new, passion in life, attitude, leisure, emulate a spiritual icon (maybe St. Francis of Assisi or Elizabeth Kubler-Ross maybe even Jack Kerouac), read A Course in Miracles, and happiness boot camp where I try to do all activities in the whole month.

I'm planning on starting in October. I'm also listening to the author's podcast which is very interesting.

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Major depression kicking my ass.

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On 22/08/2017 at 7:27 PM, Elder Sister said:

Lots of love and hugs to all of you.  <3

Datepalm, your post resonated with me.  This sounds exactly like what my mother has done and does.  I love her dearly, but I'm still slightly pissed about the Nancy Drew books she tossed without even asking me if I wanted them.  I mean, all of them.  My daughter has a bunch that she didn't want, so I have those, but it's not the same.  And I feel like a whiner even mentioning this, but I immediately thought of it when I read your post.  The woman is awesome in so many ways, so I just let this one go.

Yes, it feels ridiculously trivial, but I think some things can just feel representative of a whole lot of stuff at a given moment...plus, generally speaking, I really admire my mom and we hardly have a bad relationship. There are just things that set us both off, I guess, when we're under the same roof :dunno:.

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I realized yesterday that I'm depressed.  It comes as quite a shock this time.  I always assumed that if most aspects of my life were fulfilled, then I'd of course be happy, but it's just not the case.  I was surrounded by friends and my kids and having good conversation, eating delicious food, basking in the sun.  Just a picture perfect day.  My bank account is good, my home and car are nice, I have a vacation coming up.  My work is fulfilling and it matters and I'm able to support good causes and help people.  I mean, things are just good.  But yesterday I realized that I felt so lonely and sad.  It's been a struggle to get out of bed and I know I wouldn't if there weren't a half dozen kids screaming for food.  I know that depression isn't always situational and there are chemical causes for it and yadda yadda, but damn, I still find myself feeling like total shit for not being able to feel happy when I have so much and that's making it feel worse.  I obviously need to get to someone to be treated and find a new therapist (I moved earlier this year and never bothered to find one), but I just don't have the time right now. 

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I'm sorry Dr. Pepper :( that sucks and I hope you are able to find time to get the help and support you need.

Somewhat related, but does anyone else struggle when it comes to actually seeking out professional support? I have no difficulty recognising I have a problem(s) but actually seeking support for it is entirely different. The amount of times I have half completed a request for an appointment online before losing my nerve and closing the page is worrying. I did succeed in making an appointment, once, but the wait time was so long (like a month and a half. This was a counselling service at uni though, rather than anything NHS based) that I lost my nerve and never showed up. (Not that it would have been much good anyway, as I was leaving uni shortly after that).

Wondering if it's better just to March myself down to the GP surgery one morning for them opening and wait for one of their same-day appointments. I guess I'm less likely to lose my nerve then? :dunno: 

Regardless, I do need to do something. Things are getting to the point where I've destroyed my relationships with pretty much everyone around me, including my parents. Today my Dad told me "I don't think we can go throw this with you again." Which was at once incredibly sad and incredibly infuriating because I DONT FUCKING WANT TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN EITHER!

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15 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

I'm sorry Dr. Pepper :( that sucks and I hope you are able to find time to get the help and support you need.

Somewhat related, but does anyone else struggle when it comes to actually seeking out professional support? I have no difficulty recognising I have a problem(s) but actually seeking support for it is entirely different. The amount of times I have half completed a request for an appointment online before losing my nerve and closing the page is worrying. I did succeed in making an appointment, once, but the wait time was so long (like a month and a half. This was a counselling service at uni though, rather than anything NHS based) that I lost my nerve and never showed up. (Not that it would have been much good anyway, as I was leaving uni shortly after that).

Wondering if it's better just to March myself down to the GP surgery one morning for them opening and wait for one of their same-day appointments. I guess I'm less likely to lose my nerve then? :dunno: 

Regardless, I do need to do something. Things are getting to the point where I've destroyed my relationships with pretty much everyone around me, including my parents. Today my Dad told me "I don't think we can go throw this with you again." Which was at once incredibly sad and incredibly infuriating because I DONT FUCKING WANT TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN EITHER!

Yeah...there have been times when I've avoided getting some help just because I don't want to have to deal with finding someone.  I have a decent person who can help if and when I need it, but when she retires, I'm going to be in trouble.  

Helena...yeah.  It's time for you to do something.  And you know this or you wouldn't have posted what you did.  I'm so sorry; I wish I could give you a big ol' hug.  Take care of you.  <3

Edited by Elder Sister

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On 9/26/2017 at 7:58 PM, HelenaExMachina said:

I'm sorry Dr. Pepper :( that sucks and I hope you are able to find time to get the help and support you need.

Somewhat related, but does anyone else struggle when it comes to actually seeking out professional support? I have no difficulty recognising I have a problem(s) but actually seeking support for it is entirely different. The amount of times I have half completed a request for an appointment online before losing my nerve and closing the page is worrying. I did succeed in making an appointment, once, but the wait time was so long (like a month and a half. This was a counselling service at uni though, rather than anything NHS based) that I lost my nerve and never showed up. (Not that it would have been much good anyway, as I was leaving uni shortly after that).

Wondering if it's better just to March myself down to the GP surgery one morning for them opening and wait for one of their same-day appointments. I guess I'm less likely to lose my nerve then? :dunno: 

Regardless, I do need to do something. Things are getting to the point where I've destroyed my relationships with pretty much everyone around me, including my parents. Today my Dad told me "I don't think we can go throw this with you again." Which was at once incredibly sad and incredibly infuriating because I DONT FUCKING WANT TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN EITHER!

Yes, I also find it impossible to seek out professional support.  I haven't even started, which is ridiculous because I have free comprehensive health care in a country where that's not super common.  I haven't even googled the number I need to call to get assigned someone.  It's just too much work sometimes, seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist.  All the appointments and the talking and if you need meds then you have to try all the meds.  Sometimes I just like to wait it out.

Destroying relationships is a bad place to be in and I'm so sorry this is happening.  I think if you're able, then going to the GP surgery for a same day appointment is a very important step to take.  Can someone go with you?  Can you text or message with someone while you're there so they can help you with your nerve while you're waiting?  I'll message with you to help you stay until you are seen.  Doesn't matter what time it is where I am.  

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On 9/26/2017 at 7:58 PM, HelenaExMachina said:

Somewhat related, but does anyone else struggle when it comes to actually seeking out professional support?

Am there right now. it's the pits.

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On 9/26/2017 at 7:58 PM, HelenaExMachina said:

Somewhat related, but does anyone else struggle when it comes to actually seeking out professional support? I have no difficulty recognising I have a problem(s) but actually seeking support for it is entirely different. The amount of times I have half completed a request for an appointment online before losing my nerve and closing the page is worrying.

*raises hand*

It's a terrifying funny sensation tbh. For a long time I've been in the position where I know that I have a number of issues keeping me in a very unhealthy place. That I know I'm depressed, among other things. And knowing that the only real way to get past it is to seek professional help.

But I don't. I wouldn't even know where to begin, and even if I did, the act of doing so just seems so arduous that I always give up before I even begin.

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Have yet to find what I consider to be a good therapist. Psychiatrists seem to just be all "mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, here's your SSRI script" and therapists seem to mostly sit there when I talk and then offer insights that are transparently just an expression of their own filters.

I think I'd be better off consulting with an all-seeing Oracle who could send me on a quest...

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On 27.9.2017 at 1:58 AM, HelenaExMachina said:

Somewhat related, but does anyone else struggle when it comes to actually seeking out professional support? I have no difficulty recognising I have a problem(s) but actually seeking support for it is entirely different. The amount of times I have half completed a request for an appointment online before losing my nerve and closing the page is worrying. I did succeed in making an appointment, once, but the wait time was so long (like a month and a half. This was a counselling service at uni though, rather than anything NHS based) that I lost my nerve and never showed up. (Not that it would have been much good anyway, as I was leaving uni shortly after that).

I guess it's not only you. I myself was only once at that uni counselling, four years ago when the neverending story that is the divorce of my parents was still in its bloodiest year. If your counselling would have been similar to mine, you wouldn't have missed anything. I just wanted to get help in how to deal with a constantly wrecked mother and only received helpless platitudes of pity from what seemed like a fresh psychology bachelor who was just openly helpless in regards to the entire situation. She just dropped at me a bunch of websites and addresses of more professional people that I then never used anyway and... that was it, essentially. I never got my mother to make use of those either though and while she seemed of the opinion that I might be in need of some counselling myself, I obviously never made the effort.

Though I have to admit that my position is somewhat difficult. Since I intend to become a civil servant, it might be possible to get severe pay-cuts if I ever seek professional help for anything. And I obviously refuse to let my sorry excuse of a father hurt my future like that, so... well... it's something I have to power through myself.

5 hours ago, Weeping Sore said:

I think I'd be better off consulting with an all-seeing Oracle who could send me on a quest...

As the guy who played Orest in High School theater, I can't say I have made positive experiences with that either... ;)

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5 hours ago, Weeping Sore said:

Have yet to find what I consider to be a good therapist. Psychiatrists seem to just be all "mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, here's your SSRI script" and therapists seem to mostly sit there when I talk and then offer insights that are transparently just an expression of their own filters.

I think I'd be better off consulting with an all-seeing Oracle who could send me on a quest...

You know, honestly I feel this way sometimes, too.  The last therapist I saw was great for just listening  and asking questions for clarification(and I find that just getting stuff off my chest works best for me), but damn she gave the most useless advice.  Like either ridiculous obvious stuff or something that had nothing to do with me at all.

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I haven't been to a doctor in about 2 and a half years haha. I've been living with my parents for 18 months and i'm still not even registered with any GPs down here. So yeah; I'm pretty piss poor at seeking any kind of help for anything. 

I feel like I can get along in life even though I'm fucking tired as shit all of the time. I'm so tired and low energy but for some reason I've told myself that that's just absolutely normal and to have no energy and want to sleep all the time is perfectly fine and okay and as long as I shower and eat breakfast i'm okay! I guess I try and keep myself busy-ish...I've applied for a really great job and if I get that I think it'd be great for me. When paid work is involved I really throw my energy into it and do a good job, the best I can but when I don't urgently need to be anywhere I've stopped even trying to go for walks and stuff like I was regularly doing at the start of the year. Am just tired. Not even sad or like absolutely hating myself anymore. I think i'm okay. I'm just tired.

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8 hours ago, Weeping Sore said:

Have yet to find what I consider to be a good therapist. Psychiatrists seem to just be all "mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, here's your SSRI script" and therapists seem to mostly sit there when I talk and then offer insights that are transparently just an expression of their own filters.

I think I'd be better off consulting with an all-seeing Oracle who could send me on a quest...

i feel this on a spiritual level...im honestly still waiting for my ancient mentor to make herself known and tell me im a half elf witch or something HAHA 

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16 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

i feel this on a spiritual level...im honestly still waiting for my ancient mentor to make herself known and tell me im a half elf witch or something HAHA 

Alejandro Jodorowsky (dir. El Topo, The Holy Mountain) wrote a book about giving ritual or poetic tasks to people in psychic distress. It's called Psychomagic: The Transformative Power of Shamanic Psychotherapy. (only problem is some of the quests he prescribes could likely get a patient arrested...)

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3 hours ago, Weeping Sore said:

Alejandro Jodorowsky (dir. El Topo, The Holy Mountain) wrote a book about giving ritual or poetic tasks to people in psychic distress. It's called Psychomagic: The Transformative Power of Shamanic Psychotherapy. (only problem is some of the quests he prescribes could likely get a patient arrested...)

i just want the fair folk to give me a quest that doesn't involve the murder or banishment of any of my friends or family 

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On 9/27/2017 at 8:58 PM, Xray the Enforcer said:

Am there right now. it's the pits.

I love you.  That is all.  

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4 hours ago, Let's Get Kraken said:

I'm fairly certain Jodorowsky is an actual wizard.

No joke I think we do suffer from a yearning for magic. Or the world loses its magic when you're depressed.

Enchantments > diagnoses

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11 minutes ago, Weeping Sore said:

No joke I think we do suffer from a yearning for magic. Or the world loses its magic when you're depressed.

Enchantments > diagnoses

I'd say "spirituality", but yeah, pretty much the same thing.

I became familiar with Jodorowsky through his comic work. The Mettabarons I think, but I found his name through the Jodorowsky's Dune documentary. I haven't read Psychomagic yet, but it's been on my shelf forever.

Magic has something to do with Alan Moore's shtick too, doesn't it? I haven't read as much of his non-comic stuff as Jodo's, but I think he said something like art is modern day magic. Manipulating words and images to produce changes in the psyche. Jodorowsky goes waaay further down the rabbit hole with it though. I honestly think the guy is a genius. Or a wizard...

Edited by Let's Get Kraken

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