LGBTQ+ 5 -- Now With More Gender Outlaws

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

On 1/18/2018 at 0:11 AM, Dr. Pepper said:

I get my healthcare through a system where everything is on electronic files.  Which I guess is helpful, but those files appear to be completely available for just about any employee of the system.  Even the phlebotomist can see the entire record of everything I've talked about with therapists.  I actually thought about that today as I was getting labwork done.  I wonder if this person drawing my blood is a bigot and will do something to harm me because they think they're protected.

Probably not. I work on the financial side of a major hospital and have access to patient records. Most employees can see your demographic info (name, DoB, address etc,), insurance info, basic medical info like past appointments with your PCP or any surgeries you've had, etc. but everything house under the umbrella of psychology is secured and only the psych folks can access it. It's pretty unlikely that anyone can see what you've said to a therapist. The only way they could, as far as I can tell, is if you mentioned something to your PCP and they were stupid enough to put it in their appointment notes (they might put in a diagnosed medical condition like say if you were bi-polar though).

[Dr. Pepper]

3 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

Probably not. I work on the financial side of a major hospital and have access to patient records. Most employees can see your demographic info (name, DoB, address etc,), insurance info, basic medical info like past appointments with your PCP or any surgeries you've had, etc. but everything house under the umbrella of psychology is secured and only the psych folks can access it. It's pretty unlikely that anyone can see what you've said to a therapist. The only way they could, as far as I can tell, is if you mentioned something to your PCP and they were stupid enough to put it in their appointment notes (they might put in a diagnosed medical condition like say if you were bi-polar though).

Sigh.  Please don't try to tell me that I'm wrong when I'm describing my own experiences.  I literally sat there and watched the phlebotomist look at private information that was revealed to a therapist (and no, it wasn't a diagnosis or something relevant like suicide risk.  It was a conversation about things that made me anxious.  I've also gone to the dentist and had then bring up something that was in my medical file that was completely irrelevant to anything related to dental care.  I once needed a physical eval filled out and that doctor printed out an entire section of notes from the therapist part of the eval, stapled it to the form and then left it sitting in the front office on the counter for me to pick up without even the courtesy of putting it in an envelope.  And I'm not even getting into the minor stuff like receptionists or telephone operators having access to my benefits info or other things that are completely irrelevant to whatever I'm talking to them about.  The VA is well known for having severe privacy violations.  Here's a single article https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/12/30/461400692/patient-privacy-isn-t-safeguarded-at-veterans-medical-facilities

 

[Sivin]

18 hours ago, Robin Of House Hill said:

WF,

I read the above, and wondered why we have such a different view of the world.  I think there are two reasons.  If one depends on public tolerance and acceptance, they have to see some things as encouraging. If they didn't, I imagine life would be pretty depressing.  On the other hand, I've always worked under the premise that if if people don't know that I am what they hate, I'm safe.  My need to see the world in a more positive light, isn't as great (not that what I see doesn't have an impact on me). My reliance is on my ability to remain undetected, rather than any hope the world will improve.  The second thing is probably a generational and circumstantial thing.  I'm from an era when the concept of self-reliance ruled.  There was no such thing as a trans community.  (Don't laugh, but I didn't know one existed until 2012.)  So, my survival was primarily my responsibility.  In 2014, I attempted to connect with the community.  I attended a conference hosted by the Transgender Law Center, participated in protest rallies at Los Angeles City Hall and elsewhere.  Sadly, I realized that the community and I wanted different things.  So I went my own way.

BTW, this isn't my usual advertisement for living stealth.  It takes its toll, after a while. Imagine wondering if anyone knows, but hasn't let on, every day.  Imagine a constant internal conversation on what you would like to do, vs. what you feel you must do for your own safety.  Yes, we do have a plan to get out if the US gets worse, but we also have a second plan in the event there is evidence of any real improvement.

Stay safe, everyone.

I fully understand, sister. And the last thing I want is for you to think that I have anything but respect for your decisions. I remember what it felt like to be inauthentic and the fear of being found out even then. It shaped my personality in ways that I am still overcoming and informed my decision to fight so that no one else ever feels the need to make the decisions you were forced to choose from. 

If I get murdered in the street for being who I am, at least my killers will know that I wasn't afraid of them. 

[Robin Of House Hill]

1 hour ago, WinterFox said:

If I get murdered in the street for being who I am, at least my killers will know that I wasn't afraid of them. 

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.  

[Matrim Fox Cauthon]

Maybe I can interject some good news. My fiancé came to me out as transgender back in November. He was feeling pressure from his family of being pushed into an increasingly feminine role, particularly in regards to any potential wedding. He came out following a string of family visits and attending a wedding in America and the onset of depression stemming from his gender disphoria. He was also apparently worried, and understandbly so, that I would leave him if he came out, because I am a straight cis-male. Almost needless to say, I still want to marry him.

We have been discussing things since then, but he was finally able to find a specialist therapist in mid-January. She was super on-board with not unnecessarily time-gating his medical treatment, so he could be getting his hands on T within about two months time. That said, my fiancé plans on not rushing headlong into treatment but taking it slow as I don't think that he necessarily wants to become Super Masc. And there are some other big decisions about transitioning that he is still processing and deciding. Shortly thereafter, he came out to two of his closest friends. And at a recent party this weekend, another small set. A gradual work in progress.

It has been fantastic seeing him more consistently happy and being able to be more open about himself to his closest friends. His birthday is in a few weeks, and I challenged him to come out to any guest he would invite to his party by then. (There's only a few such people left.) I plan on surprising him by holding a Funeral/Wake-themed birthday party to commemorate the death of his Deadname, at least among his friends. It will include giving him the chance to write his deadname on a skull, decorate it, and then inter it into a fake tomb (as per the village of Hallstatt). But I also figure it would be a good way for his friends to ritually acknowledge that his Deadname is dead and give it a send-off.

[Xray the Enforcer]

MFC, you are a goddamned gem.

One thing I'd counsel, though? I would not "surprise" your partner with the above plan. Let them know about your plans ahead of time (at least the general gist). Speaking from some level of experience, dealing with this shit is a REALLY fraught and upsetting process, even when you're 100 percent sure of your course of action, and surprising your partner with something as final as burying their deadname could trigger a ton of dysphoria or self-doubt or trauma during what should be a celebration. Yes, even if your partner generally loves surprises. I'm a generally unflappable person, but my own journey has really kinda done my head in and I'm not even considering physical transition at this time.

All of that said:  I am so happy for the both of you!

[lessthanluke]

8 minutes ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

MFC, you are a goddamned gem.

One thing I'd counsel, though? I would not "surprise" your partner with the above plan.

XRay beat me to it. I didn't really wanna say anything not being LGBTQ etc but I don't think I would handle a surprise like that well even if the I liked the general idea.

[Matrim Fox Cauthon]

1 hour ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

MFC, you are a goddamned gem.

All of that said:  I am so happy for the both of you!

Thank you, but I can assure you that my fiancé is the real gem. (Well, him and his cats.) He has been invaluable to my own transitioning to life here in Austria, including helping me secure my visa extension. And despite being a vegetarian, he has also cooked the best Thanksgiving turkey that I have ever had in my life for two years in a row. There is no way that I am letting someone with those credentials go.

Quote

One thing I'd counsel, though? I would not "surprise" your partner with the above plan. Let them know about your plans ahead of time (at least the general gist). Speaking from some level of experience, dealing with this shit is a REALLY fraught and upsetting process, even when you're 100 percent sure of your course of action, and surprising your partner with something as final as burying their deadname could trigger a ton of dysphoria or self-doubt or trauma during what should be a celebration. Yes, even if your partner generally loves surprises. I'm a generally unflappable person, but my own journey has really kinda done my head in and I'm not even considering physical transition at this time.

I had also run the idea by his lifelong best friend/our apartment mate and another of his closest friends, who has actually known for over a year because my fiancé confided in him on one of their drunken nights. I did ask my fiancé about it and voiced a similar concern, but he says that he trusts me.

[Robin Of House Hill]

1.  I'm happy for you MFC and your fiancé.  I also agree with the others who have commented.

2.  I hate to be a Debbie Downer, after happy news, but I'd like to know what people think of this.  Yesterday, on Facebook, a trans person told me she regards the word. transsexual as a slur. She added that she made an exception that it wasn't a slur when it pertained to those who identified as transsexual.  I kept my cool and was very moderate in my response, though I was seething, inside.  I know the transgender community favors the word, transgender, and probably wishes, transsexual would disappear, but this is the frost time I have ever hear of it being called a slur, and likened to tr*nny and such.  Has anyone else heard heard of anyone referring to transsexual as a slur?

[Theda Baratheon]

4 hours ago, Robin Of House Hill said:

1.  I'm happy for you MFC and your fiancé.  I also agree with the others who have commented.

2.  I hate to be a Debbie Downer, after happy news, but I'd like to know what people think of this.  Yesterday, on Facebook, a trans person told me she regards the word. transsexual as a slur. She added that she made an exception that it wasn't a slur when it pertained to those who identified as transsexual.  I kept my cool and was very moderate in my response, though I was seething, inside.  I know the transgender community favors the word, transgender, and probably wishes, transsexual would disappear, but this is the frost time I have ever hear of it being called a slur, and likened to tr*nny and such.  Has anyone else heard heard of anyone referring to transsexual as a slur?

I'm sorry Robin I feel kind of awful about that status and actually, it's not something I've ever come across either and I'm in a lot of queer circles on facebook. But I'm also not trans, so it's very possible I might have not noticed any mention of that. 

[Robin Of House Hill]

2 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I'm sorry Robin I feel kind of awful about that status and actually, it's not something I've ever come across either and I'm in a lot of queer circles on facebook. But I'm also not trans, so it's very possible I might have not noticed any mention of that. 

Theda, it isn't your fault.  In fact, I've never heard that, and if that sentiment has become widely held within the trans community, it's important that I know of it.  What you posted was great.

[Xray the Enforcer]

9 hours ago, Matrim Fox Cauthon said:

Thank you, but I can assure you that my fiancé is the real gem. (Well, him and his cats.) He has been invaluable to my own transitioning to life here in Austria, including helping me secure my visa extension. And despite being a vegetarian, he has also cooked the best Thanksgiving turkey that I have ever had in my life for two years in a row. There is no way that I am letting someone with those credentials go.

I had also run the idea by his lifelong best friend/our apartment mate and another of his closest friends, who has actually known for over a year because my fiancé confided in him on one of their drunken nights. I did ask my fiancé about it and voiced a similar concern, but he says that he trusts me.

Then go forth and wake away!!! I'm really super happy for the both of you.  

[Xray the Enforcer]

19 hours ago, Robin Of House Hill said:

Has anyone else heard heard of anyone referring to transsexual as a slur?

I don't think I've ever heard anyone refer to "transsexual" as a slur, but I also do not know anyone besides you who uses it at all. Well, except for that 100 percent shithead dude on Theda's post.

[Robin Of House Hill]

Yeah, Mr. Toxic Freedom of Speech.  "Transsexual" was intentionally thrown on the scrap heap, beginning in the late 1980s.  When people decided simply living their lives like every other human being, and decided to to have a social/political agenda.  Activists realized that there is strength in numbers, so they came up with a word that allowed them to include more people.  Things were so much simpler, before then.

[karaddin]

I think rather than being used as a slur it's seen by some as having a bad association, especially more recently due to porn. A label that carries stigma rather than a slur that bigots throw at us.

[Robin Of House Hill]

9 hours ago, karaddin said:

I think rather than being used as a slur it's seen by some as having a bad association, especially more recently due to porn. A label that carries stigma rather than a slur that bigots throw at us.

There is truth in that.  Google "transsexual" and click on images (an observation, not a recommendation) and porn is the first thing you see.  Once the word became anathema, in the trans community, there was no one to willing to attack its use by the porn industry.  Of course, that would never have happened, because people would never agree to "attack their own."  "Greater good" seems to get ignored on such issues.

But that's a side issue.  Getting back to the main one, this is the quote I'm referring to.

Quote

Hey just quickly, unless someone self identifies as that, ‘transsexual’ is considered a hideously transphobic slur (akin to tr*nny/shem*le etc).

That's like saying, "Unless someone self-identifies as that, "ni**er", its use is considered racist.

Quote

 

trans·sex·u·al
tran(t)(s)ˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/

noun
1.  a person who emotionally and psychologically feels that they belong to the opposite sex.

 

That's the definition.  As far as I'm concerned, anyone claiming that is a slur is as bigoted as RuPaul, in his defense of the use of tra**y.  It's no different than the homophobia and transphobia of the Christian right...except there's no name for it.

That said, I consider the battle lost.  There is no way the word will come back into appropriate common usage,  Just another area where it has become me and them, rather than us.

[TerraPrime]

Re: MFC 

 

Awesome sauce! :-) 

 

Re: Robin

I accept the prevailing choice of "transgender," and I will respectfully use that as the default descriptor until I am told otherwise.

 

But on a personal level I think it's a shame we lost the distinction between transsexual and transgender. Sex and gender are not the same, after all. Those who identify as a different gender aren't always identifying as a different sex. For instance, a very masculine woman is transgender because she's transgressing against the assigned gender. But she identifies as a woman, so she's not transsexual. In my mind, the two separate descriptors have their respective uses. 

[Yukle]

On 1/22/2018 at 10:45 PM, Matrim Fox Cauthon said:

Quoted so I can direct praise! 

That is really beautiful.  

So many congratulations to you for your upcoming nuptials!

[karaddin]

@Robin Of House Hill sorry my post wasn't clear, was responding to the more general discussion of it rather than that particular person on Facebook - I hadn't seen their comment and didn't mean to be telling you what they were saying. I guess ultimately I'm disagreeing with them and I don't think they reflect the wider view. There is definitely discomfort with identifying with the term, but like TP I find the distinction valuable and personally use both as appropriate, albeit probably not in disagreements where I'm appealing to ignorant (not used in the pejorative sense) third parties.

I certainly apply the word to myself though if I were listing things off. I don't have it as part of my identity, but I don't have transgender as part of my identity either - they have come to describe my journey through life and will probably always be relevant, but they're not part of my core identity the way being a queer woman is.

@Matrim Fox Cauthon you gave me a smile at a good time, thanks for sharing that. I probably wouldn't be one to want the surprise component of the wake, but if you're sure that's what he will appreciate...you're the one marrying him so I assume you know him better than me haha. My friends did hold a wake for my dead name too and it was potent and appreciated, and gave them a space to articulate things that previously had been left unsaid about how they valued me. Masculinity is a shit and it was really the moment I shed it not just in my person but in my relationships.

[Robin Of House Hill]

5 hours ago, TerraPrime said:

Re: MFC 

 

Awesome sauce! :-) 

 

Re: Robin

I accept the prevailing choice of "transgender," and I will respectfully use that as the default descriptor until I am told otherwise.

 

But on a personal level I think it's a shame we lost the distinction between transsexual and transgender. Sex and gender are not the same, after all. Those who identify as a different gender aren't always identifying as a different sex. For instance, a very masculine woman is transgender because she's transgressing against the assigned gender. But she identifies as a woman, so she's not transsexual. In my mind, the two separate descriptors have their respective uses. 

On the other side of the coin, is the one who has known her gender since an early age, and seeks to change the physical to the extent that medical science made possible.  Yes, they are separate descriptors, but we exist in an age where everyone believes there is "only one right way."

59 minutes ago, karaddin said:

@Robin Of House Hill sorry my post wasn't clear, was responding to the more general discussion of it rather than that particular person on Facebook - I hadn't seen their comment and didn't mean to be telling you what they were saying. I guess ultimately I'm disagreeing with them and I don't think they reflect the wider view. There is definitely discomfort with identifying with the term, but like TP I find the distinction valuable and personally use both as appropriate, albeit probably not in disagreements where I'm appealing to ignorant (not used in the pejorative sense) third parties.

I certainly apply the word to myself though if I were listing things off. I don't have it as part of my identity, but I don't have transgender as part of my identity either - they have come to describe my journey through life and will probably always be relevant, but they're not part of my core identity the way being a queer woman is.

 

karaddin,  I didn't think you were agreeing with those who see the term as a slur.  When you get to my age (almost 75), you just want to scowl and shake your cane at everyone. (I don't use a cane.)  I don't like labels, but the constraints of communication via language, make their use unavoidable.  If people refer to themselves differently than I refer to myself, that's fine.  But when they denigrate the word I find most accurate, but talk of community, I can only ask whose community do they mean.