Basement-dwellers, Hotel Mama, Mammismo – Society’s negative view on living with your parents and where it comes from

[Toth]

H! there. After an argument with my very own mother I got the idea to start a little discussion over… well, the above-stated situation many young adults find themselves in. At least according to the statistics: https://www.eurofound.europa.eu/sites/default/files/ef_publication/field_ef_document/ef1404en.pdf

To make it short, 48% of all Europeans in between the ages of 18 to 29 are still living with their parents. Apparently, young men are especially involved. Looking into my own country, Germany, where 65% between 18 and 24 are living with their parents, 71% of the young men in this age live with their parents compared to only 57% of the young women. In the European comparison, countries hit by the economic crisis (Italy, Greece, Spain) and Eastern European ones are 'hit' especially hard.

As far as the statistics go, it is an economic reality. With rents in urban areas going insanely through the roof, low entry wages and longer apprenticeship periods, people simply can’t afford to found (and finance) their own households.

And yet when I went through these statistics, I found both the conclusions of some ‘experts’ and the comments of other readers pretty galling. People apparently come to the conclusion that this is due to the children being ‘too comfortable’ at home, since there are also statistically less disagreements with their parents than those had in their rebellious era with their own parents. The whole German Wikipedia entry on ‘Hotel Mama’ is just a string of quotes that it’s the young adult’s fault for not being independent enough and the parents’ fault for pampering them and then a lamentation on how dire their development is restricted by it. The gender divide is explained by saying that women, since they helped out in the parental household, are more independent than those lazy men (though I would look into the kind of household those who don’t live with their parents live in instead – I bet the majority simply moved together with a boyfriend who has settled down enough so that they can manage to sustain a household together).

Don’t get me wrong, I think they have a fair point that getting more independent is a good thing. But missing the economic root causes so hard is plain weird. Looking at countries like Sweden and Finland where this issue is very limited, it is easy to see that those states offer free education and invest in the future of its citizen to make it possible to create your own household without bankrupting yourself. So why do even experts subtly conform to the idea that it’s just the youth being too comfortable at home? Something society at large seems to be quite eager to underline.

And here comes the question I want to discuss with you: Why has our society such an awfully negative view on people who live with their parents? Most of the names describing the phenomenon (of which I put a few into the title) somehow give the impression that those living with their parents are just lazy leeches, momma’s boys or otherwise unfit for society.

The weirdest thing about this is how weirdly modern of a view it is. I’m a history student. And I can’t help but notice that all sources up until WW1 are actually quite uniform in the idea that marrying and leaving your parents’ household in your late twenties to found your own is the most ordinary thing in the world ever since freaking antiquity (excluding those weird nobles with their political antics). It seems to be a very recent development that we started considering it the norm to kick your kids out the second they turn 18. How come? An economic boom of late industrialization that allowed several generations to rapidly stand on their own feet? A world in which no or only a short apprenticeship was enough to make a living for the rest of your lifetime? In earlier times, large family groups with complicated ties were necessary to cushion financial hardships, but this recent development tore those apart and created ‘nuclear families’ as a new, far more fragile construct to replace them.

So… is this current development just society coming back to reality after the economic boom of late industrialization? How long will it take until we re-normalize what used to be normal? Or am I just sprouting nonsense? And why am I stringing numerous questions together in the vain hope that someone feels compelled to make a statement to at least one of them?

Well, I hope we can have an interesting discussion even after this long ass monologue!

[Altherion]

36 minutes ago, Toth said:

It seems to be a very recent development that we started considering it the norm to kick your kids out the second they turn 18. How come? An economic boom of late industrialization that allowed several generations to rapidly stand on their own feet? A world in which no or only a short apprenticeship was enough to make a living for the rest of your lifetime? In earlier times, large family groups with complicated ties were necessary to cushion financial hardships, but this recent development tore those apart and created ‘nuclear families’ as a new, far more fragile construct to replace them.

Yes, I think so. In the cultures that I know of where this golden period did not happen, the point at which one leaves the house of one's parents is still marriage. My culture is one of these and I have always stayed with my parents except when university or work required me to be in a different city.

43 minutes ago, Toth said:

So… is this current development just society coming back to reality after the economic boom of late industrialization? How long will it take until we re-normalize what used to be normal?

At the rate things are going now, another generation or so. As far as I can tell, the disparagement is coming from two sources. The first is members of older generations who have not quite internalized the idea that the world has changed and therefore assume that there is something wrong as would have been the case when they were young. This source should disappear since the subsequent generations will never have known the prosperous times when most people could leave early. The second source are the people who are wealthy enough to move out or, to paraphrase Charles Dickens, the insects on the leaf making pronouncements regarding their brothers in the dust. By their nature, they have a louder voice... but also by their nature, fewer and fewer people listen to them as time goes on.

[DunderMifflin]

It seems to me it doesn't have the stigma it used to. Back in the 80s and early 90s every hack stand up comedian had an arsenal of jokes with the same punchline "you live in your parents basement". Often just saying "you still live at home" was the entire insult. Which was puzzling because doesn't everyone live at home?

And moving out from your parents getting a job and paying for your own place to live still wasn't good enough. "You work at McDonalds" was a popular putdown, or something like "he's gonna have a job with a name tag on his shirt!!! oooooohhhh burn!!!!!"

you would often see unemployed people saying the "You work at McDonalds" insult

[snowleper]

I think this is just demonstrating the slow slide of the formerly middle class into the ranks of the impoverished.

Granted. People still have the internalized middle class ideals - but these ideals are certainly out of step with the realities of the economic system we live in, and the people who populate it.

[Theda Baratheon]

I think for the vast majority of young people it really is because we can't afford to move out. I think I'm at the point now where I really am independent and DESPERATELY WANT to move out of my parents house. I love my parents, I do, buy I'm 23 this month and I just want my own space buy I absolutely can't afford it until I can get a full time job so at the moment it suits me to live with parents, work part time, study part time and then volunteer doing something I genuinely want to do (museum/heritage work) so I don't really think people would have much weight behind insulting my life as it is because I'm juggling a lot of stuff and am just doing what's best for myself right now plus my parents strangely want me there way more than I want to actually be there I do my laundry, make my own food, do bits and bobs around the house, take care of my dog and rabbit the majority of the time so I'm not a slacker living with my parents I jusT can't afford anything else 

[The Marquis de Leech]

I recall seeing an interesting clip about an American trend of married couples (with kids) moving in with the grandparents in the aftermath of the Great Recession. I think it's an international phenomenon, driven largely by economics. 

[Toth]

13 hours ago, Altherion said:

At the rate things are going now, another generation or so. As far as I can tell, the disparagement is coming from two sources. The first is members of older generations who have not quite internalized the idea that the world has changed and therefore assume that there is something wrong as would have been the case when they were young. This source should disappear since the subsequent generations will never have known the prosperous times when most people could leave early. The second source are the people who are wealthy enough to move out or, to paraphrase Charles Dickens, the insects on the leaf making pronouncements regarding their brothers in the dust. By their nature, they have a louder voice... but also by their nature, fewer and fewer people listen to them as time goes on.

I'm not quite sure it is going to go away that way. Stereotypes are hard to kill, especially when it comes to perception of family.

Case in point, one of the reasons I started this thread was an analysis of the latin word 'familia' and its original meaning of a group of households under the lash of the pater familias who had traditionally a lot of rights to interfere in the lives of his children, grandchildren and other relatives of side branches. It was an archaic part of the earliest days of Rome, but over time lawmakers saw it necessary to deconstruct the political rights of the pater familias in order to liberate his children and create more independant actors in Roman core society.

I read that shortly after having read a letter by Sidonius Apollinaris from ca. 370 AD. In it he describes the conflict of an acquainted noblewoman whose husband suddenly died and whose father now demanded she should get back under his roof. Apparently their relationship was pretty terrible beforehand, because the woman seemed terrified of that prospect and insists staying with the family of her late husband. Legally she should have been able to do as she pleases, ever since Augustus (that Augustus) made it law that a widowed woman doesn't need to get back under the guardianship of her father and can stay wherever she wants, with the only restriction that she needs some kind of guardianship as a legal and economic precaution (in the Eastern Roman Empire, this guardian may very well be another woman).

So despite the overwhelming legal case of his daughter, this sucker still insisted on his traditional position of pater familias and she therefore had to obey him some 400 years after this position was effectively eroded to nothing but a word. And still Sidonius Apollinaris had to ask a local bishop with his letter to intervene on behalf of the woman. You can make the case that this is a perfect example of law not reflecting reality and that the state's interference in family matters wasn't the result of the declining role of the pater familias like many historians claim it was, but it's still pretty jarring how damn hard those 'traditional' views on family are to kill once they have appropriately settled in.

10 hours ago, DunderMifflin said:

It seems to me it doesn't have the stigma it used to. Back in the 80s and early 90s every hack stand up comedian had an arsenal of jokes with the same punchline "you live in your parents basement". Often just saying "you still live at home" was the entire insult. Which was puzzling because doesn't everyone live at home?

The 80s and 90s were also the time I suspect where this perception has settled in as it did. Well, at least for Germany I can say that this is the time the generation profiting from the  'Wirtschaftswunder' became family heads in their own rights, so at least here they had it unusually easy to get a high living standard.

10 hours ago, snowleper said:

I think this is just demonstrating the slow slide of the formerly middle class into the ranks of the impoverished.

Granted. People still have the internalized middle class ideals - but these ideals are certainly out of step with the realities of the economic system we live in, and the people who populate it.

Like Altherion said, the people with the loudest voices are often those with the greatest disconnect with reality. Maybe I'm biased due to my own experiences, but I think my father is a good example how such a mindset comes together. We were middle-class financially, but certainly not when it comes to education. I'm the first one on both sides of the family as far as you can look back who made a High School degree. And yet, instead of seeing that as a good thing, my father was furious that I refused to leave after having my Middle School degree to get a job, make my own money and leave the house. Next to his greed, he also genuinely believed that making yourself a fortune really is that easy, because he himself basically just stumbled into a ridiculously well paid job due to his soccer contacts and then kinda stayed there for the rest of his life, never having experienced any hardships at all. He never had to make an apprenticeship or any kind of education and still stumbled into middle class. I find that as good an explanation for his stance as any.

1 hour ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I think for the vast majority of young people it really is because we can't afford to move out. I think I'm at the point now where I really am independent and DESPERATELY WANT to move out of my parents house. I love my parents, I do, buy I'm 23 this month and I just want my own space buy I absolutely can't afford it until I can get a full time job so at the moment it suits me to live with parents, work part time, study part time and then volunteer doing something I genuinely want to do (museum/heritage work) so I don't really think people would have much weight behind insulting my life as it is because I'm juggling a lot of stuff and am just doing what's best for myself right now plus my parents strangely want me there way more than I want to actually be there I do my laundry, make my own food, do bits and bobs around the house, take care of my dog and rabbit the majority of the time so I'm not a slacker living with my parents I jusT can't afford anything else 

Yeah, me either. Admittedly, I kinda have my own horse in this race for making this thread, since I am 23 and still live together with my mother. I initially planned on trying to live on my own after my father made it clear that he would never support me financially if I go to university, even if this meant juggling job and studies simultaneously, but this all went out the window the moment he dropped my mother and she ended up unable to finance the parental household on her own. That's why I am in a weird position that technically she lives at my place (as if anyone cares for technicalities), but when I rented the apartment, I already knew that she had move in as well and therefore I only lived here 'on my own' for a total of a single crazy week. Now we don't experience any financial hardships and don't have any debts at all, but we only have part-time jobs, living together is a financial necessity, we don't have a car, or holidays, we have to plan in advance to get any new stuff and splitting this household stands out of the question until I finish my studies at the end of this year or the beginning of the next one.

It's still causing a lot of anxiety in me. Especially about people finding out that I live with my mother. I could never explain our situation in real life the way I could online, because that would make me be seen like a miserable crybaby. Everyone has hardships, that's no excuse for living with your mother.I keep my familial situation a secret and dodge every question about it, because I'm scared as hell that people make fun of me for it. Weirdly enough, I have yet to meet any fellow student in real life who lives with his parents, something that would take some of that fear off my back. But either they are just as tight-lipped as I am, or they simply don't exist in my subjects. It's especially bad since I am about to become a teacher and my current job is being a teacher. My worst fear is that I am seen with my mother in public and end up losing all respect due to it. That's how negative living with your parents or doing things like getting groceries with them was seen in the tiny ass village I grew up in. Heck, I was made the laughing-stock for it back when I was 16, so how much worse is it now when I'm 23?

And I guess this is one of the major driving points for why I want to get out as soon as financially possible. The societal pressure that the reasons for living with your parents doesn't matter, but that it's inherently something bad that needs to be avoided at all costs. At least that's what I was growing up with and that causes me a lot of anxieties.

[Raja]

1 hour ago, Toth said:

Admittedly, I kinda have my own horse in this race for making this thread, since I am 23 and still live together with my mother. I initially planned on trying to live on my own after my father made it clear that he would never support me financially if I go to university, even if this meant juggling job and studies simultaneously, but this all went out the window the moment he dropped my mother and she ended up unable to finance the parental household on her own. That's why I am in a weird position that technically she lives at my place (as if anyone cares for technicalities), but when I rented the apartment, I already knew that she had move in as well and therefore I only lived here 'on my own' for a total of a single crazy week. Now we don't experience any financial hardships and don't have any debts at all, but we only have part-time jobs, living together is a financial necessity, we don't have a car, or holidays, we have to plan in advance to get any new stuff and splitting this household stands out of the question until I finish my studies at the end of this year or the beginning of the next one.

I'm sure it's awkward for you if/ when people bring it up, but imo, fuck those people who make fun of you for your situation.I know it is easy for me to say that you shouldn't care what other people think, especially as we all *do* care peers/ co workers/ friends/ family think of us to some extent. You're in a tough spot, and you're dealing with it well ( from what I can tell from your post, at least) - I don't want to tell you how to feel, but I would say that there's nothing to be ashamed of - I'd own it, but I know that is easier said than done. And sure, you will probably meet people who might poke fun, but imo, they're not worth it. 

[Loge]

I'm fairly sure that a large fraction of the students in big cities live with their parents. If your university is in a small town that's different, of course. I doubt that you'll find many students living with their parents in Tübingen. Berlin, on the other hand... I think your problem is living in a small town or village. As for your father's attitude towards education and supporting you, that's fairly common for people with working class background. Not sure what drives it, but they are usually not happy when their children air for higher education and the corresponding jobs and I think the expense is the least of it. It's some kind of class envy. You'd think they want to see their children do better but that's not the case.

[Theda Baratheon]

I think if anyone mocked you for living with your mum to look after yourselves financially they're the embarrassing childish ones 

 

[Xray the Enforcer]

54 minutes ago, Loge said:

I'm fairly sure that a large fraction of the students in big cities live with their parents. 

In the U.S., this is almost entirely dictated by the social class of the student and/or by the social-class afiliation of the university's student body. Nearly all undergraduate students at Columbia University, which is in New York City, live in student dorms. Same goes for NYU. Both of these schools are associated with people who are very financially well-off (even if individual students are not). If you look at the student body of the CUNY system (a public university in New York City that consists of a number of different college campuses throughout the city), in some cases nearly all of the students live at home. This pattern replicates in other large U.S. cities. As such, it's useful to keep in mind which fraction of students you're talking about, because one experience may be entirely alien to another group. 

[Datepalm]

A million issues here...but, yeah, I'd agree the economics of living alone at a young age are simply against this generation, or were unusually for the previous 1-2 generations in terms of hitting - and thus getting to define - milestones of adulthood in a straightforward way. I don't remember the exact numbers, but theres some evidence its not just living alone (much less owning a home,) but also things like car ownership, long term jobs, marriages and even number of sexual partners and gender roles. Younger generations (Millenials and later) seem, in some ways, to be the most conservative groups since the 70s/80s. I'd guess a lot of the underlying causality is the shaky economics of striking out alone, really.

Personally, I live alone at the momemnt, but its all temporary - I've been bouncing in and out of my childhood bedroom since highschool. Sometimes its an affordability issue, and sometimes its cultural - like Altherion, I'm East European, where living on your own is something you do when you're married, if then. It's actually been something of a struggle to get out of my parents place, at times. A lot of it also just lack of stability though - I have no idea what city, country, level of income or length of contract I'm going to be on three months from now, and that's been the case for most of the last seven years (juggling university with work.) Hopefully that will iron itself out a little as I actually finish school, but every living arrangement I've had has always been a bit temporary, so my parents place has remained something of a magnet.

[drawkcabi]

I not only left home when I was 21, I moved 5,000 miles away. I lasted a whole six months before I asked to come back.

Now I'm in my 40's and living with my parents but the relationship has evolved into more them living with me rather than me living with them. I've become the head of household in most ways.

When I was in my 20's and going through a bad time and depression I was embarrassed by my living situation, it wasn't until my 30's I started to become comfortable with it, and now I'm perfectly content with it.

I've learned an important thing about myself over the years, I don't like to be alone, I just like being left alone. Living with my parents for the most part accommodate that lifestyle well enough, more than living by myself and most likely more than if I was living with someone I was in a relationship with.

I've learned not to try to contort myself to live in an overall way of society's expectations. I value my own comfort and happiness more than the feeling of I'm playing the right part. I've also come to somewhat resent the words "you should..." when being told what to do to fix something about my life that doesn't feel broken to me. "Basement Dweller" and any other similar derogatory term doesn't cause any feeling of shame in me any longer, but again, it does usually conjure some resentment within me that some feel the need to use terms in an insulting manner, as an implication of being less than, towards anyone who has found contentment in how they live, but I guess that applies to many people in different ways.

[Toth]

1 hour ago, Loge said:

I'm fairly sure that a large fraction of the students in big cities live with their parents. If your university is in a small town that's different, of course. I doubt that you'll find many students living with their parents in Tübingen. Berlin, on the other hand... I think your problem is living in a small town or village.

I take Berlin as a large city. I didn't move far (from the county of Brandenburg to Berlin), so that's not where my impression comes from. It may have something to do with the statistic bias of the people I surround myself with. My subjects are Computer Science and History.

In Computer Science the male/female ratio is about 7:3, so in my first semesters I hung out mostly with young men who did indeed still live with their parents, but were about to move out. Most of them succeeded, I guess, I don't know exactly, because I barely have any contact with them anymore. Mostly because I'm rushing through my studies in the minimum amount of time and since I evaded the high failure rates in Computer Science, I seem to have left most of my peers behind me. The only ones I am surrounded with now are the brave few Computer Science Master of Education students like myself. We are 13 people, to be frank. Most of them are in their late twenties and have their own households for a long time, others are as young as I am, but get support from their families. Male to female ratio is somewhat more even here.

In History the male/female ration is 2:8 in your ordinary course, but 1:1 in the Master of Education. Since the failure rate is barely existing in this subject, my fellow students seem to be younger, but still at least 2 years older than I am. Since I for some reason tend to hang out mostly with women, I do get the impression that almost all of my acquaintances live with boyfriends who are having full-time jobs and support their studies financially. Something that is backed up by the statistics I've found for the opening post.

I believe my bias stems from this strange combination of subjects and the haste in which I rushed the Bachelor and Master. It is kinda weird to always be the youngest in the group who can only nod silently when the conversation of the day drifts to family planning once again...

@ Raja / Theda: I should better mention that in these 4 years of my studies I actually managed to successfully keep it a secret from most of them, so I never got into the situation where people actually looked down on me for it. These anxieties are just baggage from the tiny ass village, where every shown weakness was used against me. One of the things was my relationship with my mother, which is frankly baffling, because the only thing people saw us do in public is doing groceries together once in a while (a result of my father having to be dragged kicking and screaming to the supermarket if we wanted use his car, so when we had to stockpile beverages, we were instead forced to haul them the old-fasioned way with our hands). People saw us do that and soon enough I was picked on by total strangers for, well being 'the guy who always carries bags with his mother'. This labeling as some kind of 'Momma's boy' really irritated me, mostly because it was one of the few things I couldn't trace back to that sore douche who caused our ostracism in the village that existed anyway. And even though the environment changed and the people in Berlin are far less hateful and petty, I can't help but worry that they think the same way and are just less inclined to laugh directly into your face.

Well that is one of the reasons, the other one is that it makes for a godawful conversation subject where the best you could get for bringing it up is pity. To not taint any of the relationships with my acquaintances with my backstory, I tend to just evade talking about anything personal and keep it strictly on hobbies and professional stuff.

[polishgenius]

5 minutes ago, Toth said:

I take Berlin as a large city.

Well, technically.

[Toth]

16 minutes ago, Datepalm said:

A million issues here...but, yeah, I'd agree the economics of living alone at a young age are simply against this generation, or were unusually for the previous 1-2 generations in terms of hitting - and thus getting to define - milestones of adulthood in a straightforward way. I don't remember the exact numbers, but theres some evidence its not just living alone (much less owning a home,) but also things like car ownership, long term jobs, marriages and even number of sexual partners and gender roles. Younger generations (Millenials and later) seem, in some ways, to be the most conservative groups since the 70s/80s. I'd guess a lot of the underlying causality is the shaky economics of striking out alone, really.

Yeah, the studies about the conservatism of the young keep piling up. And I think I am fairly happy with it, because it is a good kind of conservatism (not the one corporate whores of certain political parties claim to be theirs). Young people want safety nets to fall back upon, simply because they see a certain dearth of them in their own daily lives. When many jobs has fixed terms, low entry wages and ridiculous qualification requirements, a certain healthy conservatism to keep your shit together is quite necessary.

20 minutes ago, Datepalm said:

Personally, I live alone at the momemnt, but its all temporary - I've been bouncing in and out of my childhood bedroom since highschool. Sometimes its an affordability issue, and sometimes its cultural - like Altherion, I'm East European, where living on your own is something you do when you're married, if then. It's actually been something of a struggle to get out of my parents place, at times. A lot of it also just lack of stability though - I have no idea what city, country, level of income or length of contract I'm going to be on three months from now, and that's been the case for most of the last seven years (juggling university with work.) Hopefully that will iron itself out a little as I actually finish school, but every living arrangement I've had has always been a bit temporary, so my parents place has remained something of a magnet.

For that matter, I am somewhat envious that you have something to fall back upon. And that you've seen quite a lot of the world due to your study arrangements, which must be stressful, but also pretty cool.

32 minutes ago, drawkcabi said:

I've learned not to try to contort myself to live in an overall way of society's expectations. I value my own comfort and happiness more than the feeling of I'm playing the right part. I've also come to somewhat resent the words "you should..." when being told what to do to fix something about my life that doesn't feel broken to me.

I think that is a good way to fix your thinking and I'd like to consider it in regards to my anxieties. Even though I to a certain degree think that my urge to live on my own once I become teacher in training is not only to give in to societal standards, but also to brush aside those anxieties and make myself able to try out things I couldn't due to my current situation. Socializing more, as the foremost thing. I am a little resenting myself for not being able to form any lasting friendships due to my evasion of private topics, even though university should be the best place to meet like-minded people who share your passions. I did make improvements to my general social ineptitude here, but I still couldn't completely overcome it enough to actually keep relationships alife and it may also be too late by now to make new ones.

[baxus]

4 hours ago, Toth said:

Yeah, me either. Admittedly, I kinda have my own horse in this race for making this thread, since I am 23 and still live together with my mother. I initially planned on trying to live on my own after my father made it clear that he would never support me financially if I go to university, even if this meant juggling job and studies simultaneously, but this all went out the window the moment he dropped my mother and she ended up unable to finance the parental household on her own. That's why I am in a weird position that technically she lives at my place (as if anyone cares for technicalities), but when I rented the apartment, I already knew that she had move in as well and therefore I only lived here 'on my own' for a total of a single crazy week. Now we don't experience any financial hardships and don't have any debts at all, but we only have part-time jobs, living together is a financial necessity, we don't have a car, or holidays, we have to plan in advance to get any new stuff and splitting this household stands out of the question until I finish my studies at the end of this year or the beginning of the next one.

First of all, there's no "still" in being 23, studying at university and living with your parent(s).

Living alone (or with significant other) is something that you do when you're financially stable enough to know where your next 6 rents are coming from and you don't have to resort to eating bread and water in order to afford them.

In a situation you describe, living with your mother is the only reasonable option and don't you forget it. Caring about your mother is nothing to be ashamed of. Quite the opposite, even.

[Loge]

1 hour ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

In the U.S., this is almost entirely dictated by the social class of the student and/or by the social-class afiliation of the university's student body. Nearly all undergraduate students at Columbia University, which is in New York City, live in student dorms. Same goes for NYU. Both of these schools are associated with people who are very financially well-off (even if individual students are not). If you look at the student body of the CUNY system (a public university in New York City that consists of a number of different college campuses throughout the city), in some cases nearly all of the students live at home. This pattern replicates in other large U.S. cities. As such, it's useful to keep in mind which fraction of students you're talking about, because one experience may be entirely alien to another group. 

According to the Berlin Studentenwerk's own web site, it provides a total of 9,500 dorm places. The total number of students, according to Wikipedia, is 170,000. So the vast majority of students definitely doesn't live in dorms. That's a fundamental difference between German and American Universities. 

When I was a student in Hamburg, there definitely were students who lived with their parents. (I don't have numbers, though.) The thing is, the natives wouldn't really mingle with the rest of us. They's continue their pre-university social lives. That could explain the OP's observation.

As for worrying what some random dude in a Berlin grocery store might think about you going shopping with your mother, I think you imagine things. Berlin people don't give shit about strangers, unless they get in their way.

[Xray the Enforcer]

12 minutes ago, Loge said:

Berlin people don't give shit about strangers, unless they get in their way.

Truth. Especially when you're both angling for the last package of Rosenkohl at 15.55 on a Saturday at the supermarket. (it's been awhile since I lived there, so I'm not sure if the law saying markets had to close at 16.00 on Saturdays is still in force...)

[Toth]

2 minutes ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

Truth. Especially when you're both angling for the last package of Rosenkohl at 15.55 on a Saturday at the supermarket. (it's been awhile since I lived there, so I'm not sure if the law saying markets had to close at 16.00 on Saturdays is still in force...)

Nope, now it's till 20.00.