Hans Nery Buchmeier de Oliveira

What would you do if you were Cersei's Hand

22 posts in this topic

Stab her in the back when she isn't looking? 

No, just kidding. 

Pay the city watch betray her and put a knife to her throat. 

No, I'm not that cruel. 

Send her to the dosh khaleen. 

No!!! I just said I'm not cruel, wouldn't put those poor old women through that. 

I would secrectly dye her leather jacket dress pink and paint unicorns on it!!! 

Nah, too much hassle. 

I would convince her open the gates to the Targaryen army and THEN stab her in the back. 

Nooo. I'm not Pycelle. 

Bake FrankenGregor into a pie, feed Cersei to Ser Pounce and crown Gendry Queen of the Seven Kingdoms!!!!!!!! 

As if! I'm not d&d. 

What would I do if I were Cersei's hand? 

Hold a wine glass?

Naaaaahahahaha. Worst joke of all. 

I don't know what I would do if I were Cersei's hand. 

I would just rather not be Cersei's hand. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Cersei wouldn't give that position to just anyone. She would have to know you really well and have known you a very long time. But say you were given that position by another to be her Hand, and you disliked her as well as the House Lannister. That would b really dangerous. What are you doing there? You would have to love Cersei and be on side of the Lannisters. I'm sure there are people on this forum who just love her.

Getting back to the question, if you gave me that position, I would work against her and have the Mountain drink poison. Yes I hate the Lannisters. 

Edited by Wolfgirly
wrong poison

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 minutes ago, Wolfgirly said:

 

Getting back to the question, if you gave me that position, I would work against her and have the Mountain drink poison. Yes I hate the Lannisters. 

But you would most likely have to acquire that poison from Qyburn, wouldn't you? And why would he trust you with his poisons? Maybe you could give Oreos or KitKat to the little birds and once they realize candied plums are disgusting compared to that, they will stab Qyburn to death for you, granting free access to his poisons. Or you could always tell them that Qyburn is trying to kill them with those sugary plums, give them kale chips and coconut oil instead and they will be so happy they'll kill Qyburn for you without asking. 

:lmao: Oh man, why can't I take this question seriously and just post a decent reply? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, RhaenysB said:

But you would most likely have to acquire that poison from Qyburn, wouldn't you? And why would he trust you with his poisons? Maybe you could give Oreos or KitKat to the little birds and once they realize candied plums are disgusting compared to that, they will stab Qyburn to death for you, granting free access to his poisons. Or you could always tell them that Qyburn is trying to kill them with those sugary plums, give them kale chips and coconut oil instead and they will be so happy they'll kill Qyburn for you without asking. 

:lmao: Oh man, why can't I take this question seriously and just post a decent reply? 

No because I'm not nice, lol :D

You've just sussed out why exactly I wouldn't be trusted as the queen's hand. Qyburn would never let me near the potions. I wouldn't be allowed in the city either. To get at her I would have to work in the kitchen and not be her Hand. lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Wolfgirly said:

No because I'm not nice, lol :D

You've just sussed out why exactly I wouldn't be trusted as the queen's hand. Qyburn would never let me near the potions. I wouldn't be allowed in the city either. To get at her I would have to work in the kitchen and not be her Hand. lol

Just be careful, I might go through with that 6th option and need the kitchen to bake FrankenGregor into a key lime pie. No food coloring needed. Ahahahaha. I have no idea where these stupid jokes come from. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I guess I wouldn't accept the position or would resign. I suppose if I tried to convince her she would execute me. If I couldn't resign I would talk to Tyrion in secret to defect.

Edited by Hans Nery Buchmeier de Oliveira
Better articulation

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, RhaenysB said:

The funny thing is that she already lost everything that was important to her (her children, her beauty, her pride and power and image - walk of shame anybody?) and she is still on top. I will never ever understand how. But I guess creatively it made sense. 

She killed the tyrells (except the queen of thorns) and her son is dead. She is the last person from a great family in the south besides the dornish. Except for gentry there are no baratheons left,tyrells only have the queen of thorns,the north only has a bastard and sansa stark (noone knows where arya is and jon only knows that he is beyond the wall which to him means dead most likely),The last male heir of a great family is robert aryn of the vale. There just isn't that many people left and cersei scares the crap out of people. That said I think once kings landing sees those dragons flying they somehow forget cersei is on the throne real quick.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would pull a jaime lannister and kill her. I still think that's what will happen. She will know she will lose and try to blow the city in a "if I can't have it noone can" moment and jaime will kill her to stop it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

6 hours ago, snow is the man said:

She killed the tyrells (except the queen of thorns) and her son is dead. She is the last person from a great family in the south besides the dornish. Except for gentry there are no baratheons left,tyrells only have the queen of thorns,the north only has a bastard and sansa stark (noone knows where arya is and jon only knows that he is beyond the wall which to him means dead most likely),The last male heir of a great family is robert aryn of the vale. There just isn't that many people left and cersei scares the crap out of people. That said I think once kings landing sees those dragons flying they somehow forget cersei is on the throne real quick.

Cersei is a forty something year old woman with no heir and a criminal record. She was JUST about to be tried for the murder of her husband who was the late king and for having an incestous relationship with her brother to produce bastard children she claimed to be the king's she had allegedly murdered. She was imprisoned by the Faith, a highly popular organization with the citizens of king's landing, she took a walk of shame naked in front of the entire city, she has been laughing stock ever since, she has been banned from the small council. She is an aging woman with no spouse, so there's little to no room for succession. (And I didn't even mention that she blew up the Great Sept of Baelor with noblemen and women inside) How is this person the most suitable to rule anything? 

In any realistic scenario, people (you know bannermen and courtmen and councilors) would immediately start searching for a random Baratheon cousin or even a Baratheon bastard to legitimize, the Tyrells  would immediately dig up a random cousin and lay claim to the throne. Cersei of course could put a claim on the throne but wouldn't the entire population of King's Landing rise immediately against a "brotherfucker kingslayer whore" including the smallfolk who loved the faith and the families of those that died in the sept?( With the crown in 6 million debt, the Lannister mines having gone dry years ago and Littlefinger away, I don't see how Cersei would still have the City Watch to maintain order.) Wouldn't the Citadel immediatly dispatch a new grand maesters to oversee the anointment of a new ruler and wouldn't he ask whatever the heck happened to Pycelle and the Sept and why is Qyburn (a man kicked out of the citadel) acting for an entire small council as one person? Wouldn't Cersei immediately have to marry Euron or Littlefinger or any other lord from any random house to secure political and military support and at least pretend that she has a plan for succession? Wouldn't people ask, hey how is it that everybody blew up at your trial except for you because you conveniently weren't there and isn't it weird that the same green stuff blew up the sept that you and your demon monkey brother used against Stannis?

Cersei's claim to the Iron Throne is insanely weak and she should have no political support within the city at all except for Qyburn, FrankenGregor and a bunch of kids who like candied plum. Anybody could (and should) stand up and overthrow her with a hundred angry commoners in an hour. 

Edited by RhaenysB

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, RhaenysB said:

Cersei is a forty something year old woman with no heir and a criminal record. She was JUST about to be tried for the murder of her husband who was the late king and for having an incestous relationship with her brother to produce bastard children she claimed to be the king's she had allegedly murdered. She was imprisoned by the Faith, a highly popular organization with the citizens of king's landing, she took a walk of shame naked in front of the entire city, she has been laughing stock ever since, she has been banned from the small council. She is an aging woman with no spouse, so there's little to no room for succession. (And I didn't even mention that she blew up the Great Sept of Baelor with noblemen and women inside) How is this person the most suitable to rule anything? 

In any realistic scenario, people (you know bannermen and courtmen and councilors) would immediately start searching for a random Baratheon cousin or even a Baratheon bastard to legitimize, the Tyrells  would immediately dig up a random cousin and lay claim to the throne. Cersei of course could put a claim on the throne but wouldn't the entire population of King's Landing rise immediately against a "brotherfucker kingslayer whore" including the smallfolk who loved the faith and the families of those that died in the sept?( With the crown in 6 million debt, the Lannister mines having gone dry years ago and Littlefinger away, I don't see how Cersei would still have the City Watch to maintain order.) Wouldn't the Citadel immediatly dispatch a new grand maesters to oversee the anointment of a new ruler and wouldn't he ask whatever the heck happened to Pycelle and the Sept and why is Qyburn (a man kicked out of the citadel) acting for an entire small council as one person? Wouldn't Cersei immediately have to marry Euron or Littlefinger or any other lord from any random house to secure political and military support and at least pretend that she has a plan for succession? Wouldn't people ask, hey how is it that everybody blew up at your trial except for you because you conveniently weren't there and isn't it weird that the same green stuff blew up the sept that you and your demon monkey brother used against Stannis?

Cersei's claim to the Iron Throne is insanely weak and she should have no political support within the city at all except for Qyburn, FrankenGregor and a bunch of kids who like candied plum. Anybody could (and should) stand up and overthrow her with a hundred angry commoners in an hour. 

fear is an incredible thing. I never said she was "suitable" in the manner that she would be even half decent at it. You saw the throne room she had absolute silence and the people looked scared. I don't think she will last long at all even if dany wasn't coming. But at the moment she was already there to claim it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, snow is the man said:

fear is an incredible thing. I never said she was "suitable" in the manner that she would be even half decent at it. You saw the throne room she had absolute silence and the people looked scared. I don't think she will last long at all even if dany wasn't coming. But at the moment she was already there to claim it

Fear or not, what happened to that plot makes no sense. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nobody here seems to have suggested how they'd try and help her if they wanted to. Here's what I'd do. 

I'd start by making an argument for her eligibility to sit the throne. There are nine Great Houses: Arryn, Baratheon, Greyjoy, Lannister, Martell, Stark, Targaryen, Tully, Tyrell. I would argue that the Baratheons, Martells and Tyrells are extinct, and within the political system of King's Landing, the Starks, Greyjoys, Tullys, and Arryns are rebels, and the Targaryens are exiled. House Lannister is the sole Great House that still exists in the legitimate main line and that is "loyal" to the throne (you could argue) and are therefore the most appropriate heirs to the throne; Cersei is the head of House Lannister through Jaime joining the Kingsguard and Tyrion's exile. So Cersei is the Queen of Westeros. Totally reasonable. Not to say she is mother of the previous two kings and the widow of the one before. I mean, for someone without an actual blood claim, if she wasn't such an awful person her claim isn't too bad. Really a Great Council would be required to make such a momentous decision, but we could maybe sort something out with lickspittle lords. 

Next we'd need to deny the hell out of what happened to the Great Sept of Baelor. I bet that filfthy bastard Jon Snow did it, the Northmen worship the wrong gods after all, and I've even heard they've taken up with Stannis' red witch. She likes burning things, right? Replacing the seven pointed star behind the throne with the Lannister sigil was a poor choice; Cersei needs to reaffirm her loyalty to the faith. I'd appoint a good loyal High Septon, and vow to rebuild the Great Sept of Baelor bigger and better than ever. The Great Sept of Cersei if you will. Our administration shall be a paragon of holiness, everything we do we do in the Light of the Seven. Queen Cersei the Blessed, a blessed reign. 

We'd have to cover up Pycelle's death. We can say he was in the Sept, or died of an illness and was buried/cremated. He was an old man after all. I'd accept a Grand Maester from the Citadel, but keep Qyburn behind the scenes; he has his uses after all. 

Next we'd need alliances. Cersei may be in her forties but she's the Queen and what lord wouldn't jump at the slim chance of fathering the heir to the throne? But just in case, she'll need to appoint an heir. A Lannister cousin, as the Lannisters are the rightful royal dynasty now. If Kevan's young daughter Janei Lannister exists in the show she could be a good choice, an impressionable young girl who Cersei could raise in her image (or not) and she could create another powerful alliance through the betrothal of Janei. It may be that a few Houses are now extinct because of what those unholy Starks and R'hllor fanatics did to the Great Sept, so I can win further support by offering those castles and keeps to potential allies. I'd also try and turn the bannermen in other regions to our side by offering them Lord Paramountship, we rewarded the Freys and Boltons didn't we? A Lannister always pays her debts. I'm sure the Yronwoods would love to usurp the Martells, especially now that Sunspear is ruled by Oberyn's girlfriend and bastard daughters. And the Tyrells, they were upstarts from the beginning. Surely the Hightowers or the Redwynes deserve Highgarden more (then again, they were married too closely to the Tyrells). The Florents would take the opportunity if they had any strength left, but the Tarlys would be a good choice, or the Rowans, Oakhearts, Fossoways? Surely the Karstarks have a better claim to the North than Ned Stark's bastard son, although that ship may have sailed. I'm not sure if there's a powerful Vale House that resents the Arryns, but there might be. And hey, Robin Arryn is probably Petyr's bastard anyway. Maybe the Harlaws could even be swayed into going against Euron, especially if Rodrik Harlaw exists, or the Greyjoys could be swayed into attacking the Reach and/or the North. I'll give Storm's End to House Foote of Nightsong, for the lols. 

With my alliances made, the Westerlands, the Crownlands, the Stormlands, and the Riverlands united under their Queen, Olenna and Ellaria attempting to quash rebellion, I'd work on consolidating Cersei's power and preparing for Daenerys' invasion. The pyromancers shall get to making wildfire, and we'll get Qyburn working on some anti-dragon weapons. See if we can't make the castles fire proof. It shouldn't be hard to turn the people against Daenerys; remind them of her father's crimes, and here she is bringing an army of neutered slaves and savage rapists to ravage our holy Seven Kingdoms. 

Money may be an issue. We'll work on starting some state owned businesses, get the brothels back to full operation, try a bit of industrial revolution. Shit, let's just wildfire the Iron Bank and pull a gold mine out of my ass, this is D&Dworld after all. 

Once Daenerys is gone and the Others have done for the Northerners, all the Great Houses of the realm, the Footes, the Yronwoods, the Freys, the Tarlys, shall gather for the opening of the Great Sept of Cersei. Queen Cersei the Good shall be there, her sweet newborn babe Prince Tywin in her arms, and her line shall reign a thousand years. 

Alternatively, I'd try persuade her to yield King's Landing to Daenerys in return for recognising her as the Lady of Casterly Rock. 

Or I'd just persuade Cersei to give me the gold to build a new royal fleet and then do a runner to Essos. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎6‎/‎3‎/‎2017 at 10:11 AM, Jaehaerys Tyrell said:

...Or I'd just persuade Cersei to give me the gold to build a new royal fleet and then do a runner to Essos. 

Nice.

 

This would be a lot easier to figure out in the books, but seeing as in the show Tywin & Cersei had that little talk about how there is no more gold left at Casterly Rock, we're kind of screwed.  I have no idea how she provides bread and circuses and other public works without any personal money, without money to collect from the families of people she's killed, and with much of her kingdom in open rebellion.

Assuming there was money available, I'd do pretty much what @Jaehaerys Tyrell suggested and put on the biggest propaganda campaign King's Landing has ever seen.  Blame my enemies, provide food for those affected by the explosion, spread fake news using town criers and theater, pretty much everything possible.  Provide a forged will from Tommen declaring Cersei heir and also entrusting her to give his inheritance to the people.  Contrast that with forged will's of the Tyrells that make them look selfish.  Spread so much blame for every little thing and constantly have new content and rumors coming out that eventually people are forced to believe it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/2/2017 at 7:12 PM, Robert Baratheon's hammer said:

Give her wildfire.

To use or to drink?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, being hand of the king is already a pain, being Cersei's hand of the queen wold just be hell. 

She just blew up (literally) one of the pillars of the kingdom and fatally weakened the other by leading King Tommen to kill himself. She's queen, thats true, but you are only king/queen of those who recognise you as their rightful king/queen. 

Doing a quick popularity pool on cersei, things are far from great. 

4 out of seven kingdoms in open rebellion (5 if you count the fact the Vale is helping the north wich speaks for itself) 

A pending invasion of thousands of dothraki savages + thousands of elite infantry + 3 dragons + thousands of reach/dornishmen 

I'd probably sit down in a corner and cry, like a lot. 

If you count the fact the crown is in debt to the iron bank of braavos (wich is known to support the enemies of the rulers in debt) and the fact that tyrion knows about the wildfire (cerseis biggest weapon) then it would suck. 

My first act as hand would be to call all vassals (just in case someone wanted to join the bloodbath) 

Wich

Spoiler

We already know Randyll Tarly would answer so 

Maybe some other big vassals, besides the lannister ones, would answer.

There are always those loyal to the throne no matter what. 

I'd probably tell her to appoint someone with a bright military mind, as Master of War bc i'm really not a good military strategist, and that would bring some man to her army too, i doubt many men would refuse the possibility to sit at the small council. 

But here's my take on the military side:

Agains't the dothraki the best option would be to not fight them in open field. That would just be suicidal. But getting inside walls would also not be a good strategy too bc dragons. 

Best option: getting a fucking huge fleet and try to kill the biggest amount of men as possible at sea. So an alliance with euron would be great! Two fucking cunts together who doesn't want that. 

I'd tell her to put some fucking huge crossbows on the wall of king's landing to defend against the dragons (we already know common weapons can pierce dragon skin from the scene in the fighting pits) i would tell her to do that even if i didn't had that info, i mean we had to do smth about the fucking dragons. 

Plus, Euron travelled all around the world, he may know one or two things about killing dragons. An alliance with him would be really great. 

I wouldn't tell her to get rid of Qyburn, no no no,  i would encorage her to use his knowledge, he could pass it to others and we could use the prisoners, the traitors and who knows who to make a zombified army. 

And peace... 

i'd tell her to make peace with as many enemies as she could. Maybe jon would agree with peace, he doesn't seem eager to fight + he's concerned with the wildlings and the white walkers and all that shit in the north. 

She could take care of them later, being at war with the nort would suck, conquering the north from the south is already almost impossible, and having him helping daenerys would be a major hit. 

So i'd promise him everything, long lasting peace, maybe some help if necessary, as long as he didn't ally himself with daenerys. Wich would make him her enemy, wich would bring him, indirectly, to our side. 

This would leave us with:

— 2 kingdoms in open rebellion (instead of 4) 

— if the naval battles were a success (the dothraki hate water imagine them fighting in ships) daenerys would take major losses. But i doubt her dragons would suffer any damage so... 

fighting the reachmen and the dornish in open field and waiting for her to attack kings landing (where we'd have the huge crossbows to attack the fucking dragons) and the zombie army to fight the unsullied. 

I don't know if this would be enought but you must remember that Daenerys is a foreign girl, with three beast, an army of cockless warriors, and a really bad family reputation. I can almost garantee the lords of westeros will not receive her with open arms and just bend the knee, monsters for monsters i guess they would prefer to deal with cersei instead of a psychological disturbed girl who can't even rule over a city and does everything as she wants, killing whoever stands in her way.

this would be my plan, 

may the gods be ever in my favor (cries in the corner) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She has betrayed and turned on everyone who has ever been close to her or aided her:  Robert, Ned, High Sparrow, Tommen, her own son, Tyrells, her cousin and her uncle, Pycelle, the Iron Bank.....

Anyone with a lick of sense would turn their cloak as soon as any other potential ruler showed up, cough cough, cough, the other blonde woman with dragons, a navy and a couple of armies....because the hand would know that it's only a matter of time before he too is betrayed by her, either out of conveinience or paranoia.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As her Hand, I'd want her to win, right?

I would advise her to keep the Westerlands intact. Fight, sacrificing as few men as possible. If Jaime can take down the Tyrell-Martell alliance, excellent. Cersei's main focus, however, should be assassinating Dany and Tyrion, not a military victory.. Poison the wells on Dragonstone. Infiltrate Dragonstone, use wildfire. Anything.

If Cersei can off both Dany and Tyrion, Westeros would be left at the mercy of the Dothraki without a leader and three enraged dragons without riders. It's almost a given that these would start attacking randomly, underlining how alien Dany truly was (and how brave Cersei was, to stand against her). 

Meanwhile, Cersei pulls back to CR and the intact Westerlands. There, start making alliances. OK, Cersei is not a great option, but who else is there? Tyrells, Martells, Baratheons are dead. The Vale is down to Sweetrobin, and its army is up North. The North is dealing with its own worries. Westeros would have three options: Edmure Tully, Gendry, or Cersei. Of these, Cersei is the only one with solid backing: unlike the starving and decimated Riverlands, the Westerlands are still standing. CR can withstand dragon fire. Unlike Gendry, Cersei is legitimate: wife/mother to tragically dead kings, she's already been crowned queen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now