Funeral ettiquette

[Larry of the Lawn]

My step-mother's father passed away last week, and the funeral was today.  I did not attend, and have been receiving a number of passive aggressive text messages from my father re: my absence.  

My step mother and I are not close, and while I regret not attending insofar as my younger half-siblings may have appreciated my presence, it didn't really cross my mind to attend.  

I'm not really asking for any sympathy or for anyone to judge my dad or step-mother for being upset at my absence.  (Full disclosure, I realize that funerals are for the bereaved as much as the deceased, and that death has a very lengthy ritual attached to it for my parents, and that I do not feel that way or understand that attitude at all).   

Anyway, what is the general rule for attending or not attending funerals?  I've been to tons of family funerals  in the past, but honestly a major factor was that they were local to me and didn't require me missing work.  I now live about three hours away from the bulk of them, and given the size and baby boomer and older population of the family, I'm not about to take off more random work days for things like this, with a few exceptions.  I have been living paycheck to paycheck for over ten years and the idea of missing a day of work is insanely stressful.  Last week I drove down there to see my newborn nephew and help my dad (who has been bed ridden with vertigo).  My car blew some engine seal and on the drive back and is now leaks a criminal amount of oil if I drive at over 2500 rpm.  I get anxious even thinking about driving more than a few miles.  

Part of me does feel guilty though because I know my dad is getting shit from my step mom for me not being there.  

I think I've been generally successful at separating myself from family drama but all of a sudden I feel guilty and under attack, and I think it's mostly bs but really feeling weird about it.

 

[Dr. Pepper]

I'm not really sure I have any good advice or input.  Just wanted to chime in because I've dealt with this several times already.  I have almost zero relationship with my father and stepmother, haven't spoken to either in nearly 8 years, and when my stepmother's father died I had no reason to attend the funeral.  She went ballistic and sent me several angry and threatening emails and apparently made tons of posts on facebook about it.  Their issue was that I made the family look bad by 'airing dirty laundry', because apparently they pretend that we aren't estranged and now everyone knows.

That said, I'm really close with my stepdad but tbh I don't think it would ever dawn on me to attend his mother's funeral.  I've met her once 15-20 years ago.  My parents visit her all the time (she's a plane ride away from them) and I hear about how she's doing, but I don't know her at all.  I'm many states away from my stepfather and I can't easily travel out of state anyway, so I just couldn't see myself going.  I don't know how my stepdad would feel about that and considering his mom's age maybe I should start really thinking about it again.

I've missed a lot of funerals for people in my family.  I've missed births and other major milestones.  I used to do it all, go to every single one.  I'd be on the other side of the planet and I'd still go.  But it's really just not practical for me to do it all anymore, and that's not even taking into account that I genuinely dislike a lot of them (it's just not fun being around fundy conservatives who hate everyone).  So I don't go to any of it unless I feel compelled to do so for myself.  That might mean I want to be there to support someone I love or that I want to grieve someone myself or whatever.  Sometimes I send a card or flowers, or I don't.  I pick and choose and people get mad about it and I honestly don't really care.  It helps that I live at least a thousand miles away from the nearest close relative so the distance makes for an easy excuse and my inability to leave the state on short notice serves as another excuse.  But even without those excuses, I honestly just don't care.  I figure their grievances will blow over, or they won't.

I think your next reaction depends upon what you want the future relationship to look like.  It might be worth it to send a sympathy card and/or make a phone call and sincerely apologize for missing the event.  No need to make excuses, just an apology and offer sympathies for her loss.

[Larry of the Lawn]

39 minutes ago, Dr. Pepper said:

 

Thanks for the thorough response.  There are a lot of things in there that ring very true and I feel a lot better just knowing someone else has been through a similar situation for a while and arrived at that post.  

Love ya DP

[drawkcabi]

You should not have been expected to attend. However, did you send flowers, card, or something to your step mother or to the funeral home? That would have been the proper etiquette in your situation I believe. If you didn't, maybe a nice sympathy card to your step mother now with some honest sympathy, expressing that whatever the relationship between the two of you are you feel saddened for her by her loss, and maybe flowers, it might help.

 

[Xray the Enforcer]

8 hours ago, The Great Unwashed said:

My mom passed away just a little over a month ago

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[Xray the Enforcer]

Larry -- I don't think you did anything wrong by not going to the funeral. But I agree with others that you should probably at least send a sympathy card. Losing a parent sucks, no matter how old you are, or how grateful you might be that your parent is no longer suffering. 

[Mlle. Zabzie]

My mother is still angry that my half sister (her step daughter) didn't respond the way my mother wanted when my grandfather died 10 years ago.  First of all, my mother is cra cra on this point- my sister absolutely called her etc., and was honestly more present than I and my other sister were immediately thereafter because she is local.  Second of all, my mother didn't invite her to the funeral, which still hurts my sister.  And my mother and my sister are CLOSE otherwise (she sees my parents more often than I do), and my was close to my grandfather, so the whole thing is just weird.  This is all to say that step relationships are weird and hard even if they aren't particularly strained, so add some additional tension and the stress of the death of someone you care about and things get even harder and weirder.  I agree that sending a sympathy card  is the way to go.  My own view is that attending a funeral isn't a requirement - like you I find them to be social rituals for the bereaved.  

[all swedes are racist]

larry, I don't really have anything useful to add, but just want to say sorry you have deal with this shit, brother. thinking of ya

[Iskaral Pust]

Larry - take some solace from bereavement etiquette resting largely in the eye of the beholder.  Grieving people can be annoyingly, understandably self-centered and expect the rest of the world to stop and grieve with them.  The rest of us try to accommodate them as best we can, but within the limits of what's feasible.  In your situation, I would have just sent a sympathy card that offered condolences plus some regrets that you are unable to attend in person.  If your dad and step-mom hold it against you, that's their business.  Anyone can be aggrieved about anything for as long as they like; that is everyone's prerogative.  You should explain your work/financial/automotive constraints to your dad.  If he can't see your perspective, then it's out of your hands.

I missed two of my own grandparents' funerals because I lived 5,000 miles away at the time and my parents deliberately did not share the news until after the funeral so that I would not feel pressured to incur the very large cost and work/life disruption to make an appearance at very short notice.