Elder Sister Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 It's been awhile since I posted in here, but I am a little flummoxed and wanted the opinions of the smartest folks I know. And I didn't want this all over FB, which is where a lot of you are. I've been actively and repeatedly involved with a big project where I work, and a good friend is sort of the spokesperson for it, as well as a go-between for my location with our corporate offices. As a roll-out for this project, she organized presentations for all of our employees but left me out. I feel like it was very deliberate, because I had just gotten done presenting on this topic last week for a management meeting at my location. The presentations she excluded me from included some senior management, and it would have been very good for me career-wise to be involved. She was the only woman involved since she cut me out. She announced in a meeting about this, and then told me afterwards that she had left me out because 'she knew how busy I was with XYZ (which everyone else was also busy with) and that's why she hadn't asked me." This is the first time in 15 years that I have been actively and deliberately sabotaged by another woman, and a good friend (I thought), at that. I knew she was a selfish, immature person, but I never expected this. And then I wonder if I'm overreacting. But personally, I would never climb over someone to get ahead, and especially a friend. I was just disappointed. I try hard to motivate and help the women I work with. In my field, women in leadership positions are very rare. My attitude is that we need to help each other. The whole thing just upset me. Obviously, the friendship is over. She burned a bridge with me and I'm pretty much done. I haven't addressed it with her, as I feel like she did all this in a very deliberate way. What's the point? It wasn't an oversight or a screw up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 You're not overreacting. And yeah, this isn't something I'd bring up with her, either. She knew damned well what she was doing -- you don't get to the level of seniority that you and she (and, for that matter, I) have and not know. Just maintain civility but otherwise walk the fuck away and obviously never trust her again. I'd also do some extra networking to make sure you're not left out of the next opportunity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cas Stark Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 1 minute ago, Xray the Enforcer said: You're not overreacting. And yeah, this isn't something I'd bring up with her, either. She knew damned well what she was doing -- you don't get to the level of seniority that you and she (and, for that matter, I) have and not know. Just maintain civility but otherwise walk the fuck away and obviously never trust her again. I'd also do some extra networking to make sure you're not left out of the next opportunity. I agree. You don't exclude someone in a corporate environment like that and not know what you're doing. If she had really cared about the 'workload' she would have asked the question about participating in advance. She clearly felt threatened and wanted the glory for herself. I also agree that bringing it up to her will do more harm than good. Now you know her true face and in the future you will have to act accordingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Manhole Eunuchsbane Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Have you confronted her regarding this? I'd have a little face to face and let her know how you feel. (In a measured professional way, of course) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nas! Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 I'm sorry this has happened to you, ES. When you are a good-hearted team player type, it's very easy to imagine that your co-workers are generally on your side. Or at least not actively against you. I'm not sure why anyone would want to take my advice on the matter, but here is what this particular white man would do: Speak to this woman directly and let her know that I appreciate her efforts to save me from the extra work, but that her assumption was misguided and I am actually quite keen to present on the project and would she please reconsider. If it works, I've gotten the thing that I want most from the situation, and I will know not to trust her in the future. If it doesn't work, I've at least let her know that I am disappointed in her decision. If she does it to me once and gets away with no consequences, I would expect that she will continue to do these things to me in the future. /privileged pov Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elder Sister Posted July 21, 2017 Author Share Posted July 21, 2017 1 hour ago, Xray the Enforcer said: You're not overreacting. And yeah, this isn't something I'd bring up with her, either. She knew damned well what she was doing -- you don't get to the level of seniority that you and she (and, for that matter, I) have and not know. Just maintain civility but otherwise walk the fuck away and obviously never trust her again. I'd also do some extra networking to make sure you're not left out of the next opportunity. Yeah - I already started doing the extra networking thing. The opportunity is gone, but in future, I've made sure I won't be left out. And I'm definitely walking away and not trusting her again. She's shown me exactly who she is. 1 hour ago, Cas Stark said: I agree. You don't exclude someone in a corporate environment like that and not know what you're doing. If she had really cared about the 'workload' she would have asked the question about participating in advance. She clearly felt threatened and wanted the glory for herself. I also agree that bringing it up to her will do more harm than good. Now you know her true face and in the future you will have to act accordingly. Right. And once she'd realized she'd made a misstep, or mistake, she would have corrected it. It was all done in a very deliberate way so that I wouldn't take any of the limelight away from her...just my opinion. 6 minutes ago, Nas! said: I'm sorry this has happened to you, ES. When you are a good-hearted team player type, it's very easy to imagine that your co-workers are generally on your side. Or at least not actively against you. Thank you. I do try to always help out and be a team player. And I work hard at seeing the good in people. Sometimes that's not a good thing...but ultimately I feel like I'm a lot happier when I concentrate on how I can help vs. 'getting mine.' I'm going to continue to do that, but I'm going to be very wary and careful with this person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elder Sister Posted July 21, 2017 Author Share Posted July 21, 2017 1 hour ago, Manhole Eunuchsbane said: Have you confronted her regarding this? I'd have a little face to face and let her know how you feel. (In a measured professional way, of course. ) Sorry - I missed this one! I haven't. And I won't. But I have let her know that I am on to her, and she won't be able to do it again. I don't generally freeze people out, but in this case, she's getting it...in a very civil, polite way. But she feels it and knows she's burned a bridge. I was a source of info. and help, as well as an ally. She's blown all of that. So she's aware that she won't be able to pull this crap again. And there are consequences for throwing me under the bus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nas! Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 36 minutes ago, Elder Sister said: Thank you. I do try to always help out and be a team player. And I work hard at seeing the good in people. Sometimes that's not a good thing...but ultimately I feel like I'm a lot happier when I concentrate on how I can help vs. 'getting mine.' I'm going to continue to do that, but I'm going to be very wary and careful with this person. Definitely. I'm the same. Those qualities were quickly recognized and appreciated at my current job, and I've gone from the bottom to the top during my time here. And I think generally they are qualities that have served me well, though they have at times made me vulnerable to assholes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cas Stark Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 39 minutes ago, Elder Sister said: Sorry - I missed this one! I haven't. And I won't. But I have let her know that I am on to her, and she won't be able to do it again. I don't generally freeze people out, but in this case, she's getting it...in a very civil, polite way. But she feels it and knows she's burned a bridge. I was a source of info. and help, as well as an ally. She's blown all of that. So she's aware that she won't be able to pull this crap again. And there are consequences for throwing me under the bus. I agree with this approach, the absolute most you should do is tell her she was mistaken in her belief that your workload would have prevented you from participating in the presentations...but she already knows this, so it's somewhat pointless and will only make it more clear to her that you are onto her, and since she sounds like a back stabber, you will want to keep things friendly but remote. I'm glad you said you were a source of info. & support. She probably doesn't realize how important those unofficial conduits are....maybe now she will regret losing this one. I would suggest reflecting on what signs you might have missed w/her in the past that she wasn't trustworthy, unless this opp. for face time was SO important to her she only now showed her true colors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mlle. Zabzie Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 *hugs*. Def don't think you were overreacting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DireWolfSpirit Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Confronting the snake seems like fighting yesterdays battle since, the ships already sailed, so to speak. Best way forward is to file this in your memory and know that the workmate is not a dependable allie and not someone to trust. I would watch my back around her in the future and certainly not go out of my way to ever help her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iskaral Pust Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Sorry for your situation. From your perspective, it's pretty disappointing and you would feel hard done by. I agree with the suggestion above that you should explicitly state your availability and interest to participate fully going forward, and you should reiterate that to your manager and whatever mentors or advocates you have available in the firm. That doesn't mean you'll necessarily get what you want, but that's the best available avenue for you. i would also depersonalize the sense of betrayal. Your sense of personal aggrievement will far, far exceed her sense of personal animosity. I doubt she went out of her way to hurt you, just bowed to the all-too-human inclination to underestimate the effect on others of maximizing her own interest. I currently have a situation at work where a team member is departing and three other colleagues (all women, not that it's relevant) have raised their hands to replace a part of his role, and all three view it as something: - for which they are well prepared (none is close to being fully prepared and they each bring different strengths and weaknesses), and - which would boost their career. I'm weighing several factors here, including possibly a shared role. All three view themselves as the only natural candidate and the most deserving. I really like to provide career development opportunities but with multiple people wanting the same thing there's no way all three will be happy with the outcome; not even the shared role, where perhaps no-one is really happy and possibly they just start jockeying for unofficial preeminence. Competition for opportunity is a reality. I prefer to address it by acknowledging it openly, not allowing individuals to decide for themselves at the expense of others, and explaining the rationale to those who miss out. For another part of the role vacated by this departure, I had two colleagues express an interest: one guy is more senior, more capable and better qualified, while the other woman is more junior but this opportunity would make a bigger impact on her development and standing in the firm. I explained my dilemma to the guy, and my tilt toward the other candidate, and he generously volunteered that I should offer the role to her. I reminded him of my commitment to his career development and pointed to other initiatives that will eventually have a bigger impact on his career than would this opportunity. Plus he gets to demonstrate now his commitment to the team and other colleagues and show me he understands what's really most valuable in the long run. I'm not kidding myself that this magically removes any sense of disappointment or competition, but it reduces that default self-centeredness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Valley Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 You handled this like the class act that I know you are. I just want to put my $0.02 in there that you are NOT over reacting. You knew this, but manipulators are manipulative. Don't let her play the victim by your freeze out either. I've had women try that shit with me after they earned it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry of the Lawn Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Sorry you have to deal with this ES. Definitely not over reacting, and completely unsurprsingly, you've taken the classy high road. I think it would be fine to take the donkey's suggestion, but it sounds like you handled this with grace. Much hugs and love to you, sorry you've had this sucky situation thrust upon you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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