NFL 2017 Preaseason: Zeke the Freak to Sit 6 Weeks

[briantw]

2 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

All the Lolz. 

Also, Diggs. You lose! 

I'd consider Thielen too.  Dude is legit.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

49 minutes ago, briantw said:

I'd consider Thielen too.  Dude is legit.

I like him, but I wouldn't take him that high. He's too inconsistent and the Vikings have a legit 5 man WR rotation and he's probably third in it. The most value he brings is that Diggs gets hurt a lot. 

[Jace, Extat]

5 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

Hey Spicey and the Mooch,

Long time listener, first time caller, I love what you guys do. You're the best thing going in fake football news these days.

I've got three questions for you. First, which top ten projected fantasy pick do you think will be a bust this year? Personally I think David Johnson is going to be this year's Todd Gurley. Second, what do you think Andrew Luck's value will be? Some sources are saying that his right arm might have to be amputated, which would be a bold move. Last, do you think Manhole's highest level of dancing is drunken white guy swaying at a jam band music festival?

I'll take your answers off the air.

SKOL!!! 

Hey Tyler, thanks for calling. I'd apologize for being late to respond, but I think tequila absolves me of any responsibility. If there's one thing I can tell you, Tyler, it's that that second handle of Jose Cuervo is NOT Antonio Banderas, and you do not want it in your mouth. I mean, seriously. I feel bad about what my scented candles saw last night.

If you're looking for sure-fire fantasy busts though, I'm your bra. I'm here to keep your chest weights tied down while guys lose their minds over glorified sacks of fat. Don't be fooled, Tyler. With me, you can feel confident in your ability to get a good workout in with minimal mouth breathing stares. But don't stand in front of the mirror, Tyler! DON'T EVER STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR!!! YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW FIXATED THOSE ANIMALS GET ON YOUR ASS! YOU'D THINK WEARING OVERSIZED SHORTS FROM THE MENS SECTION WOULD HELP, BUT IT DOESN'T TYLER! IT DOESN'T!!!!

I'm pretty low on Le'Veon Bell, personally, the holdout is kinda a thing. I could definitely see it becoming a thing, but that's not even the reason. I know the guy hits holes with less provocation than Joe Mixon hits women, but I feel like last year was a fluke. He missed games to start which helped him stay healthy down the stretch until SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER! FUCK THIS GUY, A GODDAMN STEELER!?! I HOPE HE SETS A PRECEDENT FOR PLAYERS DEMANDING WHAT THEY DESERVE BY SITTING OUT THE SEASON!!! I HAVE NO REAL BEEF WITH THIS EXCELLENT PLAYER OTHER THAN THAT HE'S A STEELER AND I HAAAAATTTTEEEEE THEM. Also, the injury threat is real. Take this guy in the second round if he falls, and I'd go as high as 30$ in a draft, maybe, but there's just too much uncertainty for me to feel good putting my lynchpin pick on him.

While I'm here though, how dare you malign Todd Gurley? Did you see how much he cares on Amazon Prime? I mean, he said he wanted to win. What else do you want?

 

You're asking for Andrew Luck's value? About $120 million over 6 years, give or take. I might scoop the guy if he was hanging around in the 5th or 6th round, maybe as high as $12 in an auction if I had the cash to throw around, but we already know he's not playing in preseason while Jim Irsay has been very clear that 'he might not be ready for the Ram game, but he will be ready to start the season', which makes no fucking sense. As for amputation of arms, I'd personally volunteer to help him recover his left handed ping-pong game. I'll be his Table Tennis (show) Bronn.

 

Manhole? Fuck that guy with a fork. The only Man I know in this hellhole of a work environment is THE MOTHERFUCKIN' MOOOOOOOOOOCH!!!!!

HIT 'EM, MOOCH!!!!

[Maithanet]

On 8/12/2017 at 3:46 PM, sperry said:

Think it's safe to say that this is the worst draft pick in the history of major sports: http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/20323063/roberto-aguayo-waived-tampa-bay-buccaneers-missing-pat-fg-preseason-opener .

 

On 8/12/2017 at 8:00 PM, briantw said:

Still can't believe an actual NFL team drafted a kicker in the second round.  And I mean it's not like the team is wildly incompetent either.  They've put together a really good squad in Tampa, which makes taking a kicker that high even more baffling.  

It was a bad pick, but the "worst draft pick ever" hyperbole needs to stop.  Here's a list of the guys drafted #59 since 2010:

2010 - RB Montario Hardesty - played two years for Browns, 500 career yards.

2011 - WR Greg Little, played 54 lackluster games between 2011-2014.  Out of the league.

2012 DE Vinny Curry - Rotation player for Eagles thus far, with 0 career starts and 19 sacks in 68 games.  

2013 WR Aaron Dobson, played 3 years for Patriots, cut several times and did not play in 2016.

2014 G Jack Mewhort - has been a starter for the Colts terrible O line when healthy. 

2015 - OT Ty Sambrailo - Injury prone OT, has played in only 13 games in 2 years.  May not make roster in 2017.

2016 - K Robert Aguayo, cut by Bucs after one year.

Of the six picks in that spot between 2010-2015, 2 are huge busts (Hardesty, Sambrailo), two were lackluster players who washed out (Little, Dobson) and two are reasonable contributors, but not exactly stars (Curry, Mewhort).  None have made a single pro bowl.

Compared to that, Aguayo is hardly some kind of outlier.  Picking in the NFL is hard, guys wash out all the time.  The only reason we're talking about this is because he's a kicker, and kickers don't usually get picked so high.  But it's not like it can't work out - Sebass was a good pick for the Raiders and he was a first rounder. 

[Kalbear]

Also, JaMarcus was paid a crazy amount of money and hurt the cap for a while. Aguayo got paid a couple million. Not remotely the same. 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

25 minutes ago, Pony Queen Jace said:

Hey Tyler, thanks for calling. I'd apologize for being late to respond, but I think tequila absolves me of any responsibility. If there's one thing I can tell you, Tyler, it's that that second handle of Jose Cuervo is NOT Antonio Banderas, and you do not want it in your mouth. I mean, seriously. I feel bad about what my scented candles saw last night.

If you're looking for sure-fire fantasy busts though, I'm your bra. I'm here to keep your chest weights tied down while guys lose their minds over glorified sacks of fat. Don't be fooled, Tyler. With me, you can feel confident in your ability to get a good workout in with minimal mouth breathing stares. But don't stand in front of the mirror, Tyler! DON'T EVER STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR!!! YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW FIXATED THOSE ANIMALS GET ON YOUR ASS! YOU'D THINK WEARING OVERSIZED SHORTS FROM THE MENS SECTION WOULD HELP, BUT IT DOESN'T TYLER! IT DOESN'T!!!!

I'm pretty low on Le'Veon Bell, personally, the holdout is kinda a thing. I could definitely see it becoming a thing, but that's not even the reason. I know the guy hits holes with less provocation than Joe Mixon hits women, but I feel like last year was a fluke. He missed games to start which helped him stay healthy down the stretch until SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER! FUCK THIS GUY, A GODDAMN STEELER!?! I HOPE HE SETS A PRECEDENT FOR PLAYERS DEMANDING WHAT THEY DESERVE BY SITTING OUT THE SEASON!!! I HAVE NO REAL BEEF WITH THIS EXCELLENT PLAYER OTHER THAN THAT HE'S A STEELER AND I HAAAAATTTTEEEEE THEM. Also, the injury threat is real. Take this guy in the second round if he falls, and I'd go as high as 30$ in a draft, maybe, but there's just too much uncertainty for me to feel good putting my lynchpin pick on him.

While I'm here though, how dare you malign Todd Gurley? Did you see how much he cares on Amazon Prime? I mean, he said he wanted to win. What else do you want?

 

You're asking for Andrew Luck's value? About $120 million over 6 years, give or take. I might scoop the guy if he was hanging around in the 5th or 6th round, maybe as high as $12 in an auction if I had the cash to throw around, but we already know he's not playing in preseason while Jim Irsay has been very clear that 'he might not be ready for the Ram game, but he will be ready to start the season', which makes no fucking sense. As for amputation of arms, I'd personally volunteer to help him recover his left handed ping-pong game. I'll be his Table Tennis (show) Bronn.

 

Manhole? Fuck that guy with a fork. The only Man I know in this hellhole of a work environment is THE MOTHERFUCKIN' MOOOOOOOOOOCH!!!!!

HIT 'EM, MOOCH!!!!

*Slow Clap*

Also, the politics thread could really use some Spicey and the Mooch right now, given what Trump just did. 

[DanteGabriel]

1 hour ago, Maithanet said:

Compared to that, Aguayo is hardly some kind of outlier.  Picking in the NFL is hard, guys wash out all the time.  The only reason we're talking about this is because he's a kicker, and kickers don't usually get picked so high.  But it's not like it can't work out - Sebass was a good pick for the Raiders and he was a first rounder. 

I think it's too much to say worst pick ever, but it was worse than those other guys. The Bucs gave up a couple of picks to move up to get him, he hadn't been particularly accurate in college, and he actually lost them games.

[Cas Stark]

How do you pick a bad kicker?  There aren't really any intangibles.  Either you hit the field goal from X and Y and Z yards out, or you don't.  You might also be a good pressure kicker and have a higher percentage of game winning field goals or not.  So it seems almost impossible to take a bad kicker, let alone trade up for him.  It would be different if something changed due to an injury but that isn't the case.

[Maithanet]

15 hours ago, DanteGabriel said:

I think it's too much to say worst pick ever, but it was worse than those other guys. The Bucs gave up a couple of picks to move up to get him, he hadn't been particularly accurate in college, and he actually lost them games.

It's a very bad pick.  But there are a few second round picks that never even play in the league.  Making a bad pick at #59 is nowhere near as big a problem as making a bad pick in the top 10, when fully half of those guys go on to be pro bowlers. 

 

26 minutes ago, Cas Stark said:

How do you pick a bad kicker?  There aren't really any intangibles.  Either you hit the field goal from X and Y and Z yards out, or you don't.  You might also be a good pressure kicker and have a higher percentage of game winning field goals or not.  So it seems almost impossible to take a bad kicker, let alone trade up for him.  It would be different if something changed due to an injury but that isn't the case.

Kickers sometimes get worse or better.  Plenty of good kickers in the league washed out on their first team before finding their rhythm (Graham Gano for example).  Others have a great year or years and then fall apart.  Mike Jaderjact is the most accurate kicker in NFL history and yet he can't get a job because he "lost it".  Or more recently Cody Parker, who made the 2015 pro bowl only to get cut in 2016. 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

*cough* Blair Walsh *cough*

[Rhom]

Hey Mooch... Michael from Etown here.

Long time, first time.  I've got a comment and a question and then I'll hang up and listen.

So I was at IHOP the other day and when I got in the parking lot there was a car parked next to me with a Seahawks logo in the window.  In Kentucky.  Those things never existed five years ago.  Just want your thoughts on front runners from half a continent away.

And also, do you think CJ Beatherd will beat Barkley for the back-up job?

[Rhom]

(That question was inspired by the local joke of all the callers to the old Cawood Ledford show asking "You think Richie's gonna start tonight?" from back in the early 90's.  Seriously... that's still the joke around here when talking about call in sports shows.)

[Jace, Extat]

10 minutes ago, Rhom said:

Hey Mooch... Michael from Etown here.

Long time, first time.  I've got a comment and a question and then I'll hang up and listen.

So I was at IHOP the other day and when I got in the parking lot there was a car parked next to me with a Seahawks logo in the window.  In Kentucky.  Those things never existed five years ago.  Just want your thoughts on front runners from half a continent away.

And also, do you think CJ Beatherd will beat Barkley for the back-up job?

Listen, Dickstick. You don't get to call in here to our thread and ask for a specific person. What the fuck do you think this is? Your favorite brothel? There is no Mooch, there is only THE SPICE. I'm who you've got, you're who I'm gonna hit in the side of the head with a truth pillow so overstuffed with Cayenne pepper that it'll make your toes bleed. Bring some milk, son. It won't stop the burning, but it will give me something to drink as I make weird faces at your girlfriend that leave her wondering whether I'm lezzing out on her or trying to silently communicate a desire for some Vodka to Ruskie up this tall glass of Cow leakage.

Where's Mooch? I'll tell you, even though I don't have to. He's dead. Yeah, ate himself to death last night when a group of skinheads robbed a liquor store on the other side of town. He just liked the taste of mayonnaise in his Chili. I told him to stop, it was unnatural! I BEGGED HIM TO STOP, BUT HE SAID GOD NEEDED TO PUNISH ENGLAND!!!!

I'm hesitant to consider any out-of-market fan immediately a 'frontrunner'. Sure, they probably are, but I try to remember that the NFL has esploded in popularity over the last 10 years or so and that the NFL Sunday ticket has only really been a common thing for even less time. And sure, bandwagon fans are annoying but if they develop into actual fans of the sport who know what they're talking about who really cares if they initially picked a team that was good? That's how a lot of fans of sports start out. Does it really matter? Now if you interact with them and they're pieces of shit, well that's a completely seprate thing. And they probably are pieces of shit, but the benefit of the doubt costs you nothing.

If I'm being honest, in my experience the real hardcore fans are not readily apparent. I've personally never really met a fan the likes of which I would consider my equal who has a car bumper sticker or wears stupid shit out of the house outside of an occasional hat or hoodie that is far from everyday attire. But again, we're speaking in generalities and it costs nothing to give the benefit of the doubt.

In answer to your last question, I don't waste my time with losers on loser teams. Really, you think I'm gonna waste the 55 or so words it would take to answer that question? Go fuck yourself for thinking my time is so disposable. This is why Mooch died. He died for your questioning sins.

[Maithanet]

So 538 has an article called "Blake Bortles is the Tom Brady of NFL Garbage Time".  Get with the times 538, I already did that analysis back in December!

I swear sports writers read this thread for ideas, this is like the third time this has happened. 

NOte:  for the record, I don't remember who actually first referred to Garbage Time as Bortles Time.  My suspicion is that brigand @Jaime L

[Kalbear]

They're Spicy and the Mooch
Yes, Spicy and the Mooch

One is a dumbass, the other's a douche

Mooch ate himself to death

While Spicy's high on meth

They're Dicey, they're Spicy and the mooch mooch mooch mooch mooch

[Rhom]

5 minutes ago, Pony Queen Jace said:

Listen, Dickstick. You don't get to call in here to our thread and ask for a specific person. What the fuck do you think this is? Your favorite brothel? There is no Mooch, there is only THE SPICE. I'm who you've got, you're who I'm gonna hit in the side of the head with a truth pillow so overstuffed with Cayenne pepper that it'll make your toes bleed. Bring some milk, son. It won't stop the burning, but it will give me something to drink as I make weird faces at your girlfriend that leave her wondering whether I'm lezzing out on her or trying to silently communicate a desire for some Vodka to Ruskie up this tall glass of Cow leakage.

Where's Mooch? I'll tell you, even though I don't have to. He's dead. Yeah, ate himself to death last night when a group of skinheads robbed a liquor store on the other side of town. He just liked the taste of mayonnaise in his Chili. I told him to stop, it was unnatural! I BEGGED HIM TO STOP, BUT HE SAID GOD NEEDED TO PUNISH ENGLAND!!!!

I'm hesitant to consider any out-of-market fan immediately a 'frontrunner'. Sure, they probably are, but I try to remember that the NFL has esploded in popularity over the last 10 years or so and that the NFL Sunday ticket has only really been a common thing for even less time. And sure, bandwagon fans are annoying but if they develop into actual fans of the sport who know what they're talking about who really cares if they initially picked a team that was good? That's how a lot of fans of sports start out. Does it really matter? Now if you interact with them and they're pieces of shit, well that's a completely seprate thing. And they probably are pieces of shit, but the benefit of the doubt costs you nothing.

If I'm being honest, in my experience the real hardcore fans are not readily apparent. I've personally never really met a fan the likes of which I would consider my equal who has a car bumper sticker or wears stupid shit out of the house outside of an occasional hat or hoodie that is far from everyday attire. But again, we're speaking in generalities and it costs nothing to give the benefit of the doubt.

In answer to your last question, I don't waste my time with losers on loser teams. Really, you think I'm gonna waste the 55 or so words it would take to answer that question? Go fuck yourself for thinking my time is so disposable. This is why Mooch died. He died for your questioning sins.

Hey Spicey.  Michael from Etown again.

While at IHOP I had the French toasted donut... tried the bacon covered one and the strawberry one.   Didn't try the apple fritter yet.  If Mooch had those, think he still would have eaten himself to death like Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs?

I'll hang up and listen.

[Jace, Extat]

5 minutes ago, Rhom said:

Hey Spicey.  Michael from Etown again.

While at IHOP I had the French toasted donut... tried the bacon covered one and the strawberry one.   Didn't try the apple fritter yet.  If Mooch had those, think he still would have eaten himself to death like Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs?

I'll hang up and listen.

I think at the crux of your question is whether or not Santa Cruz really has a plan here to get the guy they want. I mean, I get it, Kyle Shannahanahan likes Kirky and he might be available next year. And of course I don't think he's signing a long term deal, he has no reason to do so, but next year could have the most loaded QB class in a long while right? I know there's talk of Sam Darnold staying in school for a while a la Manning or Luck, but the Jets still have talent in their front seven and potential in the secondary. I could see them pulling 4 to 6 wins if Luke McCown starts enough game on fluky plays by that defense alone, meanwhile Santa Cruz has what? A runningback who the front office and coaching staff was talking shit about 2 months ago and a couple of highly regarded rookies? I could easily see the 49'ers being in position to make a move on Darnold or Lamarr Jackson (I'd let a guy with a cactus for a dick watch me shower to see that guy in white and blue) or that other kid who's supposed to be good.

So if the 49'ers are holding a top-5 pick in March with ammo to get into top-3 (presumably trading with the Bears or some other team that's taken a QB lately) with some good pieces in place already do they really settle for Kirk 'Middle of the Road' Cousins? If they do, it's because that was the plan when John Lynch and Kyle got in the office for the first time and they don't want to change it. But if that happens, it's a classic case of letting a potentially out of date plan guide events that have changed since it was first drawn up. It'd be a mistake, is what I'm saying. You don't pay Kirk nearing 30 million a year (I'm sure that's what he and Shannahan have discreetly agreed is his value) for a surefire shot at average talent when you have a real shot at a generational guy for as low as 1/7th that cost for 4 years.

Getting back to it, Mark, I think that you don't need to worry about which topping goes on the apple fritter. You just need to hope that the bacon on your french donut doesn't do something stupid like put you out of contention for potentially setting up your squad for a decade to come. I'm not saying tank, Mark, I'm saying sometimes you just need to keep faith that a plain donut today will lead to a strawberry one tomorrow.

I hope I helped.

Call 555-FUCK-YOU to leave your questions for Spicey here. We @Kalbear is standing by to play me out. I fucking love that guy.

[Kalbear]

They're Spicy and the Mooch
Yes, Spicy and the Mooch

One is a dumbass, the other's a douche

Putting bacon on dessert

Is gonna get ya hurt

They're Dicey, they're Spicy and the mooch mooch mooch mooch mooch

[DMC]

8 minutes ago, Pony Queen Jace said:

So if the 49'ers are holding a top-5 pick in March with ammo to get into top-3 (presumably trading with the Bears or some other team that's taken a QB lately) with some good pieces in place already do they really settle for Kirk 'Middle of the Road' Cousins?

Much rather the niners suck this season and do this then spend a fortune on Cousins.  Also, as someone with multiple Chicago fans as friends, it'd be awesome if they could rip of the Bears again.  I can wait another year of the Niners sucking, been doing so most years anyway since I hit high school.

Sorry for not playing out whatever thing you guys got going on.  New to this thread, and while it seems pretty amusing it also seems....weird and I don't entirely get the protocol.

[Manhole Eunuchsbane]

Fuck, you two are killing it this afternoon. Nice work.

 

 

/P.S. I'm not fucking dead, you hysterical bint. Just been tied up by some unforeseen circumstance. On a totally unrelated note, do any of you have experience burying a dead hooker? Asking for a friend. MOOCH OUT.