Goodkind XXII: Better than Newcomb and Stanek

[Piper]

MAJOR CONFLICTS lets see...

Book 2: Vaporizes everybody in the palace to stop Darken Rahl. Superb use of intellect, with magic it would've been too easy.

Book 3: Saved by a gigantic gorilla bat and friends, who were created by magic. Once again, great use of Dick's intellect to tell the gar's to come save his ass.

Book 6: Carves a statue. It's not like any moron can carve a statue of two people standing together, it takes great intellect.

Book 8: Richard saves self by pulling a recipe for an antidote out of his ass. Incredible use of intellect, considering he has no idea what was in the poison. Definitely not a use of magic.

You missed

Book 1: He, despite the fact that every shred of evidence goes against the conclusion, guess correctly that his love for Kahlan insulates him from the confessor attack. :sick:

Also, anyone got that dictionary assembled?

[The Wolf Maid]

Also, anyone got that dictionary assembled?

Whelp's the one doing the assembly. He sent it to MinDonner, methinks.

And welcome, Word, to the Lemmings of Discord church.

Any more casting suggestions, by the way.

[Moosicus]

Side note: have we all decided to put our church titles in our sigs?

Yup. Seems like the thing to do. Personally, I think "raper of gangs" is way better than "bringer of death". Any body can kill, but rape a whole gang?

[word]

Well if we were to allow time travel I would say a younger version of Rosie O'Donnel as Violet since 1.) she is fat and 2.) who wouldn't love to see her get kicked in the face

Berdine: Pamela Anderson - Berdine is constantly referenced as having large tits and as every women in TG's world is well endowed in the chestal region, Berdine's must be monstrous. Plus Pamela Anderson's acting is about as good as TG's writing.

Chase: Sly Stalone. If ever an actor could make me suspend belief enough to fathom a character that can kick that much ass, it would be pimpmaster sly.

Browsing the threads I would have to say Bruce Campbell is the best choice for Richard, although Keanu Reeve would also work with his spoon-that-isn't-a-spoon.

Richo: What is the Dominatrix?

Morphiddus Morondurr: Not what, who.

R: Who is the Dominatrix?

M: Not is, are.

R: Who are the Dominatrix?

M: They are hot blond chicks in red leather who have ginormous breasts and like to torture you by sticking a stun gun up your ass.

R: Woah.

M: Tell me about it, you should talk to the Orifice.

------------------------------------

R: Morphiddus, how do I use my powers?

M: I'm sorry, I can't help you.

R: Can't, or won't?

M: Can't, nobody knows how this shit works because TG is a stupid cunt. Now give it a rest, I'm tired from getting raped last night.

------------------------------------

R: What are you trying to tell me, I can dodge arrows?

M: No, what I'm trying to tell you is that when the time comes, you can shoot them out of the air or catch them.

------------------------------------

R: Explain to me again about agents

M: Agents follow the keeper, and can be anybody, can take the form of any person. Did you notice the woman in the red outfit?

R: You mean Cara?

M: Shoot bad example.

------------------------------------

Edit: Added that last one, sorry came to me a couple seconds ago and didn't feel like posting again.

[The Wolf Maid]

You win at LIFE, Word.

I seem to have forgotten my Lemming Church title. I think I must search in the threads for it.

[Myshkin]

Yup. Seems like the thing to do. Personally, I think "raper of gangs" is way better than "bringer of death". Any body can kill, but rape a whole gang?

Alright, sig updated.

[The Wolf Maid]

Updated sig as well, and put in a disclaimer of sorts, in case someone takes it WAAAAY too seriously.

[Jaxom 1974]

Word I believe. Too many 'W' posters on this set of threads, it confuses skimmers like me.

Dude, learn to skim using avatars. Not many of you change them. Adjust when you do.

Side note: have we all decided to put our church titles in our sigs?

What did I claim? Archbishop of Canterbury, right?

[The Wolf Maid]

As I remember, yes.

[MinDonner]

:bow: Welcome, word, and that Matrix parody was teh awesome! I have no recollection of what title I got assigned, so I'm claiming Holy Mother of Goats unless anyone can remind me. And the Lemming Dictionary has (finally!) been posted up on the blog, along with all the other parodies I could find from the last few threads - if I missed any then please let me know. Grease I'm holding off on until I get round to finishing it.

[Moosicus]

Holy Mother of Goats sounds great. Oh what nobility you bring into the world Min.

edit: Word, "talk to the orifice" now has a place of honor on the list of things I say to people at work.

[word]

So last night I went to applebees and ordered some honey barbeque boneless buffalo wings and to my surprise and delight, it included celery!. By imagining to myself that the fried chicken was actually fried testicles, I was able to feel the nobility of human spirit bursting out of me. As I stood up to explain to people why they are all stupid and should chant my name every day for 2 hours, I suddenly snapped back into reality. My friends called me crazy, I called them death choosers. They are no longer my friends until they stop putting the lie to their existence.

Moose: Yeah I was finishing up writing that first part, and I was like "how can I add the oracle into this mess", and then the word "orifice" popped into my head. I'd be lying if I said I don't laugh each time I read that. Is it okay to laugh at my own writing, or am I no less arrogant than TG, Mr. Isuckmyowndick?

[The Wolf Maid]

And the Lemming Dictionary has (finally!) been posted up on the blog, along with all the other parodies I could find from the last few threads - if I missed any then please let me know. Grease I'm holding off on until I get round to finishing it.

Yes! It's posted! *checks it out*

[word]

Lemmings of Discord - Conspirating commie death-choosers, who fail to see THE TRUTH of Richard. Their very ignorance of this puts the life to their existence.

Change life to lie.

So anyway one thing that has been disturbing me about the books lately (besides pretty much everything) is attempting to fathom how Richard was possibly conceived. As far as I understand it, the chronology is like this... 20 years ago the boundaries went up. Richard's mother was raped by Darken Rahl before the boundaries went up. AS the boundaries were going up, Zedd shot wizard's fire through them and burnt Darken Rahl with them. Darken Rahl tells Zedd he was only a child when he was burnt...Zedd of course says he's not sorry because violence is always justified if you are either Richard, Klan, Zedd, Chase, Good-Cara, Good-Nicci, etc.

So basically what I'm looking at here is somehow some kid anywhere from age say...1-9 raped Igraine and produced Richard. I use Igraine in place of Dick's mother's name because he has never given us of one, but as everything else in the book is taken from WoT he might as well use Rand's mother's name.

Also going along with this fucked up timeline is the story Debt of Bones in which I'm pretty sure Zedd's daughter is like 6 years old...

Does Tairy proofread this shit before he prints it? It's almost as if even he can't read back through his books because they are so awful.

As for another part of the books, where brother of Dick is able to walk without a spine, I have a theory on that. Basically I think that TG accidentally killed off his evil bad guy too soon, and rather than correcting it (because hes fucking TG and he doesn't make mistakes) he is like... "my magic system sucks so hard anyway, I'll just write something about how if you have extremely good health and eating habits and enormous will power you can do whatever you want. Wizards First Rule! HEHEHEHE".

Since I'm new here I still do not understand the whole namble cock thing and I would be lying if I said the lemming dictionary helped me out at all. So does anybody want to give me a brief history about how this joke came about? (It's not actually referenced in the books is it?)

[Jerec]

Read too deeply into it at your own peril. It's like one of those magic eye puzzles, except there's no hidden image. You'll just give yourself a headache.

[MinDonner]

OK - at long last, the penultimate episode of...

Truth is the Word

Scene 10 - The Big Fight

"Well, boys," said Zedd, his eyebrows bristling with good humour, "are you ready for the fight at Thunder Road today?"

"Oh ho ho ho ho!" said Chase. Chandalen thought it best to translate.

"Yeah, dat we be, we's gonna rule da town!"

Rule the town? Richard hadn't realised that so much was at stake. Did Chase (or Chandalen) really deserve that kind of victory? Were they truly equipped for that much power? How great was their knowledge of representational designs involving lethality? Richard's mind whirled like some cornflakes that had been put into a vortex. What would happen if Chase (or Chandalen) lost to the Centipedes? There was only one moral thing that he could do.

"What's that over there, Chase?" he asked, innocently. As Chase turned to look, Richard pretended to stretch and clobbered his friend to the ground with a mighty blow, like that of the thunderous gods of old.

Richard composed his face into his most guileless expression. "Gosh!" he exclaimed, with a fearful groan. "Chase has collapsed! It must be the work of the evil Centipedes! I guess I'd better take his place in the fight, then."

The rest of the P-Brains were only too quick to agree. At last! Richard took hold of the sword he had been so craving, and caressed its smooth girth with a delicate, yet manly touch. His shoulders rippled with desire, like the surface of a pool in which two dolphins are mating. Or possibly sharks, as dolphins have unpleasant collectivist tendencies. In one swift movement, he ripped off his shirt, exposing a perfect torso. The assembled P-Brains gasped as one.

Just then came a crack of thunder, and then a flash of lightning, because the author doesn't entirely understand physics. Pine needles fell from the trees. The Centipedes had arrived!

Jagang sneered his sneeriest sneer. "Cower before me, puny P-Brains, for soon I will be your master!" he cackled, like a chicken of evil. "First Thunder Road, then tomorrow the WORLD!!! Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!!"

This display of unalloyed evil was too much for Richard. His thing rose instantly, and he was forced to rise up and live his life, lest he put the lie to his entire existence. He stood before Jagang and flexed his many muscles.

"Jagang, for the sake of an exciting conclusion, I'm going to have to let you live for at least five more minutes, but you have to realise that Truth will win in the end," he said, with an even voice that displayed none of the rage that permanently raged within.

And so they began. At first it looked like Jagang was winning, then Richard got the upper hand, so Jagang cheated a bit, and someone shouted "Richard!" and he spotted the cheating move (but he would have seen it anyway because he had such awesome skillz), then Richard's sword got flung away and it looked like Jagang nearly had him again, and at the last minute Richard's portable power generator, which I hadn't seen fit to mention before, got caught on the end of Jagang's sword and Jagang electrocuted himself to death.

As the cheering P-Brains led the victorious Richard away, Kahlan was watching him from behind a tree. How could she live without this man? She was already pining for him and her life was empty without him. She called Denna over, and together they made a plan.

[WLU]

Maybe it's just that the use of magic is defined so shittily in his books that I don't understand when it is being used. Or maybe Tairy is mongoloid.

Way to insult an entire nation, nay, demi-continent of weirdo cultural diversity. The Mongols and all their jibber-jabbering descendents now hate you. Fortunately, we all know after reading about the Mud People in the Books of Truth that those of non-European descent are obviously too stupid to think of something as simple as clay roofs in a land where there is insufficient wood to fire it. So you're safe, for now, but Yeard help you if they ever learn to speak a proper language like 'Merican.

I just realized that Merican and Mexican are only 1 letter different. How profound.

WLU, you have a new rival in comedy, dear. Goodluck.

Aw shit, why'd you go and do that. It's like a red flag before a bull, or a potentially sadomasochistic idea before the Yeard. Now I have to freak out and go way too far, adding potty-mouth, inappropriate sex humour and grotesquely unnecessary analogies to my posts. Shitknockertits.

Wow, I've been quoted in somebody's sig! I feel so special. Today I am a man!!

Side note - you know Mysh, all this time I thought you were a girl. It's because of your avatar. I know it's David Bowie, not Donna Bowie, but you've got to admit, he's hardly the most helpful avatar to choose in identifying your gender.

So now that I know you're a man I'll stop thinking about you when I touch myself. Fucknuttickleballs.

Side note: have we all decided to put our church titles in our sigs?

Only the ones of us who choose life. Communist. Vasdeferensanuscharity.

You missed

Book 1: He, despite the fact that every shred of evidence goes against the conclusion, guess correctly that his love for Kahlan insulates him from the confessor attack. :sick:

Also, anyone got that dictionary assembled?

Excellent point. Goodkind's a douchebag who can even keep a fictional reality straight. Jizzmonkeyhellfuck.

whelp e-mailed it to me so it's all together and alphabetized. Good job whelp, Barbrastreisand.

Dude, learn to skim using avatars. Not many of you change them. Adjust when you do.

What did I claim? Archbishop of Canterbury, right?

Half the time the avatars don't show up for some reason. Plus, Will and word don't have avatars, the red fucks.

Archbishoprick (or Archprick?) of Canrapeberries would be my suggestion. Or Eater of Cats. I like cats, so eating them is a bad thing in my book. Plus as top predators they'd be really tough and gamey. Not like a nice baby.

:bow: Welcome, word, and that Matrix parody was teh awesome! I have no recollection of what title I got assigned, so I'm claiming Holy Mother of Goats unless anyone can remind me. And the Lemming Dictionary has (finally!) been posted up on the blog, along with all the other parodies I could find from the last few threads - if I missed any then please let me know. Grease I'm holding off on until I get round to finishing it.

Holy Mother of Goats is easily the funniest title in my opinion, I say you hold onto it like Richard held onto his love for Klan in WFR (aw!) Incidentally, I was kinda hoping my humble submission of the 'Author's rules' would be included

I also wouldn't mind my essay on the popular appeal of Goodkind being posted. Perhaps even an entire section of non-parody Goodkind criticisms, but it's your blog and if I really want something like that posted I should shut the hell up and start my own damn blog. I'm hardly going to criticize someone for putting their wedding before the belittlement of a third-rate hack author _{(commie deathchooser)}

So last night I went to applebees and ordered some honey barbeque boneless buffalo wings...

Wouldn't that just be a Chicken McNugget? Never been to an Applebees.

As I stood up to explain to people why they are all stupid and should chant my name every day for 2 hours, I suddenly snapped back into reality. My friends called me crazy, I called them death choosers. They are no longer my friends until they stop putting the lie to their existence.

I went to dinner with my sig other and 2 friends. At one point I tried to bring up Yeardii (it was relevant to the conversation, I think it was about how GWB's foreign policy sucks as much as GK's writing or something). All three of them simultaneously 1) groaned 2) told me to shut up 3) tried to change the topic. The friends had never met before, so their reactions were totally independent of each other. Actually quite amusing. Naturally I kicked them all in the jaw and consumed all the testicles and ovaries that were present. It meant for a big meal but everyone has to make sacrifices.

Moose: Yeah I was finishing up writing that first part, and I was like "how can I add the oracle into this mess", and then the word "orifice" popped into my head. I'd be lying if I said I don't laugh each time I read that. Is it okay to laugh at my own writing, or am I no less arrogant than TG, Mr. Isuckmyowndick?

I think we've established that Goodkind spanks it to his own writing, as well as plagiarising it. You're hardly in the same league. Titswinkle.

So anyway one thing that has been disturbing me about the books lately (besides pretty much everything) is attempting to fathom how Richard was possibly conceived. As far as I understand it, the chronology [snip]I'm pretty sure Zedd's daughter is like 6 years old...

Silly rabbit, chronologies are like maps for time, and we all know how unimportant maps (and continuity, dramatic tension, anatomy, research and grammar) are when writing a book about about Important Human Themes. Go work on a Ukranian wheat farm!

Just watched 'Sicko' last night - there was an excessively long segment involving Russian peasants singing in furrin' jibber-jabber about how great wheat and working for the state is. Hence the UWF reference.

Does Tairy proofread this shit before he prints it? It's almost as if even he can't read back through his books because they are so awful.

As for another part of the books, where brother of Dick is able to walk without a spine, I have a theory on that. Basically I think that TG accidentally killed off his evil bad guy too soon, and rather than correcting it (because hes fucking TG and he doesn't make mistakes) he is like... "my magic system sucks so hard anyway, I'll just write something about how if you have extremely good health and eating habits and enormous will power you can do whatever you want. Wizards First Rule! HEHEHEHE".

Yeah, this doesn't even need a response. But I'll provide one anyway. Of course he doesn't re-read stuff, don't you know that any book he writes is the BEST POSSIBLE BOOK HE COULD WRITE??? How has he not slit his own wrists in despair (bleeding a combination of vinegar, water and liquid feces, number 7 on the Bristol Stool Scale) at his own suckage. The fuck. Nobody proofreads his shit before it's printed. Tor proofreaders re-negotiated their contract after Blood in the Fold came out. They gave up their health insurance, vacation time and sick days in order to get the clause 'No employee of Tor will be forced to read the works of Terry Goodkind for any reason, ever' inserted into their collective agreement.

To date, no-one has complained about the trade-off, though two have died of brain tumours. Oddly enough, the same two that proofread WFR, SoT and BotF...

The Yeard could have cured their cancer through his tears, but Tairy Goodkind has never cried. Not even when those nuns beat him all those yeards ago.

Since I'm new here I still do not understand the whole namble cock thing and I would be lying if I said the lemming dictionary helped me out at all. So does anybody want to give me a brief history about how this joke came about? (It's not actually referenced in the books is it?)

Yup. Apparently you didn't eat enough celery. Thus. It's natural to block it out of your memory, it's the mental equivalent of a giant scab covering an even more horrific wound.

That was far too long.

[Myshkin]

Since I'm new here I still do not understand the whole namble cock thing and I would be lying if I said the lemming dictionary helped me out at all. So does anybody want to give me a brief history about how this joke came about? (It's not actually referenced in the books is it?)

Read the red portion of my sig. This is but the opening paragraph of the greatest namble rape scene in all of literature.

And so they began. At first it looked like Jagang was winning, then Richard got the upper hand, so Jagang cheated a bit, and someone shouted "Richard!" and he spotted the cheating move (but he would have seen it anyway because he had such awesome skillz), then Richard's sword got flung away and it looked like Jagang nearly had him again, and at the last minute Richard's portable power generator, which I hadn't seen fit to mention before, got caught on the end of Jagang's sword and Jagang electrocuted himself to death.

Perfect! Awe-inspiring! I bow to you! :bow:

Side note - you know Mysh, all this time I thought you were a girl. It's because of your avatar. I know it's David Bowie, not Donna Bowie, but you've got to admit, he's hardly the most helpful avatar to choose in identifying your gender.

Just you shut your mouth.

[MinDonner]

Incidentally, I was kinda hoping my humble submission of the 'Author's rules' would be included

I also wouldn't mind my essay on the popular appeal of Goodkind being posted.

You're gonna have to get me links for those; there's about 3 threads worth of material to go through and I'm choosing to rise up and live my life. Tairy never bothers to reread and I try to emulate him in every way.

[word]

Wow thanks for the link WLU. I have absolutely no idea how I missed that when I read the book, but wow. Just wow.