SergioCQH Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='Brady' post='1740967' date='Apr 1 2009, 04.18']Hard enough finding someone without setting a bunch of conditions beforehand, IMO.[/quote] When you're a gorgeous supermodel like I am, it's not the finding that's hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mormont Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='Brady' post='1740967' date='Apr 1 2009, 10.18']Hard enough finding someone without setting a bunch of conditions beforehand, IMO.[/quote] Wise words. :) This is kind of an interesting topic to me. I am a single dad, although I'm in the reverse position to the one mentioned in the article - I have the kids all week, usually have Saturdays and some Fridays free. I don't [i]think[/i] it puts women off, but I suppose that, unless they come right out and say so, it would be hard for me to know. ;) I'm pretty up-front about having kids. I don't make a special point of declaring it on the first date or anything (as the guy in the article did), because that's just making it into a Big Deal and it's not a Big Deal, to me anyway. But if the subject comes up in the conversation, or I would naturally mention them - which pretty much inevitably happens, because the kids are a big part of my life - I'm not going to avoid it. I do let them meet girlfriends and vice versa. I didn't, at first, unless it was serious: but I've changed my view on this over time. The kids don't instantly become attached to gfs anyway, in my experience, not unless they know it's serious: and separating out bits of my life like that just feels wrong, like I'm short-changing both sides. I give my kids enough credit for being able to deal with the idea that I can date people and it won't necessarily be forever. And I give my dates enough credit to let them see that the kids are a major part of my life, and make their own decisions based on that. I also think it helps the kids to develop a realistic view of adult relationships. And sometimes it's more practical too. ;) I'll say this, the kids do affect my love life in that it is bloody hard to find any time for dating at all. So if that means having someone over on a night when I have the kids, so be it. (I try to avoid such clashes, but sometimes it happens.) Mind you, the above paragraph needs to be understood in the light of the fact that my kids are older - 12 and 9 - and pretty mature, too. I might have a different view if they were 4 and 7. I don't want any more kids, and I'm honest about that too, though luckily it comes up far less often. :P I would date a single mother, or a girl without kids, because as Brady says, it's hard enough to find someone. But when you date a single parent, yeah, you are embarking on a relationship of sorts with their kids, at least if it's serious. And when both of you have kids, that's another hurdle and you have to hope they all get on. But all relationships have hurdles. Kids are no different than religion (or the lack of it), money, location, political views, or a hundred other things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='Brady' post='1740967' date='Apr 1 2009, 02.18']Hard enough finding someone without setting a bunch of conditions beforehand, IMO.[/quote] I don't think setting conditions is a bad thing. Realistically knowing yourself; what your limits, wants, and expectations are out of a romantic relationship, is not a bad thing. That usually mean excluding some people from your dating pool, and being excluded from someone's dating pool, neither of which are bad things. After all you don’t just want to be with somebody to stave off loneliness; it is way to easy to be lonely inside a relationship as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Werthead Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Of the five reasonably-serious relationships I've had, two have been with single mothers and I guess I'd date one again. The biggest obstacle is indeed the problem that women who already have children don't want to have more, and I would like to have kids of my own one day (although not so much I'd dismiss any relationship where that wasn't an option: finding a partner I can have a long-term realtionship with on an equal basis is far more important). In fact, the shittiest of my former relationships was when my partner told me she did want to have more kids and then when we broke up took great personal pleasure in telling me she'd lied so I wouldn't dump her (which would not have happened). Nice. Glad to see that honesty in relationships was still favoured there :thumbsdown: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Honesty up front is the way to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SergioCQH Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='Werthead' post='1740994' date='Apr 1 2009, 04.11']Of the five reasonably-serious relationships I've had, two have been with single mothers and I guess I'd date one again. The biggest obstacle is indeed the problem that women who already have children don't want to have more, and I would like to have kids of my own one day (although not so much I'd dismiss any relationship where that wasn't an option: finding a partner I can have a long-term realtionship with on an equal basis is far more important). In fact, the shittiest of my former relationships was when my partner told me she did want to have more kids and then when we broke up took great personal pleasure in telling me she'd lied so I wouldn't dump her (which would not have happened). Nice. Glad to see that honesty in relationships was still favoured there :thumbsdown:[/quote] Of course, she might have been telling the truth all along and lied later to be spiteful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Either way she sounds like a cunt mouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mormont Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='Seventh Pup' post='1740991' date='Apr 1 2009, 11.08']I don't think setting conditions is a bad thing. Realistically knowing yourself; what your limits, wants, and expectations are out of a romantic relationship, is not a bad thing. That usually mean excluding some people from your dating pool, and being excluded from someone's dating pool, neither of which are bad things. After all you don’t just want to be with somebody to stave off loneliness; it is way to easy to be lonely inside a relationship as well.[/quote] Absolutely agreed on the last point. But I don't necessarily see a conflict between what you're saying and what Brady's saying, or at least I think it's not always clear-cut. You need to be realistic about what you are looking for in a relationship, certainly, particularly when assessing whether it is working out or whether it can work out. But at the same time, going out looking for a partner with a 'shopping list' of what you want - kids/no kids, similar leisure interests, etc. - can create unrealistic expectations and demands. And it sets those requirements above others that are less easily quantifiable but might be just as important to you. You don't know, in other words. So I think I'd say it's OK to use things like whether someone has kids as a [i]guide[/i], perhaps, but not an inviolable rule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SergioCQH Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='mormont' post='1740999' date='Apr 1 2009, 05.23']Absolutely agreed on the last point. But I don't necessarily see a conflict between what you're saying and what Brady's saying, or at least I think it's not always clear-cut. You need to be realistic about what you are looking for in a relationship, certainly, particularly when assessing whether it is working out or whether it can work out. But at the same time, going out looking for a partner with a 'shopping list' of what you want - kids/no kids, similar leisure interests, etc. - can create unrealistic expectations and demands. And it sets those requirements above others that are less easily quantifiable but might be just as important to you. You don't know, in other words. So I think I'd say it's OK to use things like whether someone has kids as a [i]guide[/i], perhaps, but not an inviolable rule.[/quote] You have a point, mormont, but desire for children is not on the same level as hobbies and interests. I cannot fathom being so in love with someone that I would forsake all the dreams I've ever had of being a father. Of course, if one were to reject potential partners because of differences in tastes, one would probably be alone for a long time. But for me, a desire for children is a sine qua non. Personally, I don't consider being a single mother an unattractive quality. If it correlates highly with a lack of desire for children, then it's a legitimate screening mechanism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mormont Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='SergioCQH' post='1741000' date='Apr 1 2009, 11.29']I could not fathom being so in love with someone that I would forsake all the dreams I've ever had of being a father.[/quote] Maybe not, but we have had someone mention an example of just that already in this thread. So it does happen. Maybe it will even happen to you. It'd be foolish to rule it out, surely. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SergioCQH Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='mormont' post='1741001' date='Apr 1 2009, 04.35']Maybe not, but we have had someone mention an example of just that already in this thread. So it does happen. Maybe it will even happen to you. It'd be foolish to rule it out, surely. :)[/quote] It's also possible to think you're in love and do something foolish which you later regret too. :cry: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='mormont' post='1740999' date='Apr 1 2009, 03.23']Absolutely agreed on the last point. But I don't necessarily see a conflict between what you're saying and what Brady's saying, or at least I think it's not always clear-cut. You need to be realistic about what you are looking for in a relationship, certainly, particularly when assessing whether it is working out or whether it can work out. But at the same time, going out looking for a partner with a 'shopping list' of what you want - kids/no kids, similar leisure interests, etc. - can create unrealistic expectations and demands. And it sets those requirements above others that are less easily quantifiable but might be just as important to you. You don't know, in other words. So I think I'd say it's OK to use things like whether someone has kids as a [i]guide[/i], perhaps, but not an inviolable rule.[/quote] I agree with the hobbies and interest, but for myself I have few areas that are inflexible. 1. Monogamy 2. Children 3.Religon 4. Politics (to a point, but I could not date someone who was ultra conservative). I can work with the rest; but in those areas I know they are way to important to me to simply compromise on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='mormont' post='1741001' date='Apr 1 2009, 03.35']Maybe not, but we have had someone mention an example of just that already in this thread. So it does happen. Maybe it will even happen to you. It'd be foolish to rule it out, surely. :)[/quote] Not really. Chats believed strongly enough that she wanted no more children to leave the relationship. I would say that's a make or break issue. Darling didn't. Children are not inflexible issue for everybody, to Darling they obviously weren't as he staid in the relationship and could get past feeling slighted for not getting one of his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mormont Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='Seventh Pup' post='1741004' date='Apr 1 2009, 11.42']I agree with the hobbies and interest, but for myself I have few areas that are inflexible. 1. Monogamy 2. Children 3.Religon 4. Politics (to a point, but I could not date someone who was ultra conservative). I can work with the rest; but in those areas I know they are way to important to me to simply compromise on.[/quote] Well, I have my 'red-line' issues too, I suppose. But they're mostly based on previous experience of what [i]didn't[/i] work rather than a belief about what [i]wouldn't[/i] work, which is one of the few benefits of age. :P Even then, I might be prepared to be flexible on those if I thought I had enough reason - which is probably a difference in our personalities rather than anything else. Just what it says about my personality, I leave to others to conclude. ;) [quote name='Seventh Pup' post='1741010' date='Apr 1 2009, 11.53']Not really. Chats believed strongly enough that she wanted no more children to leave the relationship. I would say that's a make or break issue. Darling didn't. Children are not inflexible issue for everybody, to Darling they obviously weren't as he staid in the relationship and could get feeling slighted for not getting one of his own.[/quote] I dunno, I don't like presenting the issue that way. Makes it seem like a contest of wills rather than a personal decision Darling had to make about his own life, which is not at all the impression I got from Chats' post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheLoneliestMonk Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote][EDIT] I know it is insufferably arrogant for me to say this (and I can almost feel the flames coming), but I seriously feel that if I do not cause my particular set of genetics to go forward that I will have wronged the entire human race and damaged the potential of all future generations. It's arrogance, I know. I can't help it though.[/EDIT][/quote] Apparently no woman (save maybe your mother) seems to think so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='mormont' post='1741013' date='Apr 1 2009, 04.01']I dunno, I don't like presenting the issue that way. Makes it seem like a contest of wills rather than a personal decision Darling had to make about his own life, which is not at all the impression I got from Chats' post.[/quote] Of course Darling had to make that choice himself, and he had to make in good faith of not holding it against Chats. I didn't mean my post to be as trite as it sounds. People do not just "get one" in terms of children after all. But for Chats it was a make for break issue, not something she would comprise on (you can't really compromise on kids and that's why it's a big issue). It is a big life choice and a big life experience either way, think how different your own life would be if you never had kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dornish prince Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 being a single father, i was kinda hoping to find some available women in this thread :P having kids has, at times, pushed women i've dated away but i just figured "oh well". they are definately a huge part of my life; certainly moreso than a woman that i've just started dating. on the flip side, a single mother wouldn't be a problem for me, nor would a childless woman. i tell myself quite a bit that i don't want anymore children but i'm sure that if a woman and i found ourselves in that position i'd be happy. children are made of win. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponine Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='mormont' post='1740999' date='Apr 1 2009, 06.23']But at the same time, going out looking for a partner with a 'shopping list' of what you want - kids/no kids, similar leisure interests, etc. - can create unrealistic expectations and demands. And it sets those requirements above others that are less easily quantifiable but might be just as important to you. You don't know, in other words. So I think I'd say it's OK to use things like whether someone has kids as a [i]guide[/i], perhaps, but not an inviolable rule.[/quote] If you KNOW that you don't want kids, it had better be an inviolable rule. Or else you're going to end up as a very shitty, probably resentful stepmother, but oh, you took on a job that you didn't want (with real people suffering for it) because you were sooo in looove. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mormont Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 [quote name='Eponine' post='1741229' date='Apr 1 2009, 16.15']If you KNOW that you don't want kids, it had better be an inviolable rule. Or else you're going to end up as a very shitty, probably resentful stepmother, but oh, you took on a job that you didn't want (with real people suffering for it) because you were sooo in looove.[/quote] Well, not to derail the thread into the interminable 'happy with kids/happy without' argument, but just because you don't want kids doesn't mean you will be a crappy step-parent. I have some relevant personal experience there and I believe other people on the board do too. Life sometimes presents you with situations that you would not have chosen: that does not mean you will not adapt well to them or that you will always resent them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Raidne Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 OTOH, I don't really like kids, but there are a few couples we're friends with who have kids that I [i]love[/i], so if I were single and not really wanting my own kids, whether or not I would date a single father would really depend on whether or not I got along with [i]his[/i] kids. So, a guideline. But, on the other other hand, I'm familiar with the situation Ep speaks of, and it should be avoided at all costs. But doesn't the single parent have an obligation there to not marry the person that isn't really into their kids? Also, just an FYI, being a single parent with kids is the one time that you really, really should get a prenuptial agreement before you get married. Just saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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