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Things about yourself you cannot rationally explian


Crazydog7

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I have an irrational fear that I will be taken by a bizarre impulse to kill myself.

I do not fear heights. But when I stand at a balcony, I always picture myself jumping off. Then I start to fear blurring thoughts and action, and slowly back away from the balcony.

This sometimes comes up driving as well. Especially if there is heavy traffic moving quickly in the opposite direction. Just one quick flip of the wrists to end it all...

I'm not suicidal. But the surest way for me to continually think something crazy is to try hard not to think it.

This. For me, it has nothing to do with a curiosity about dying, or being suicidal at all. It's the fact that I would die that stops me doing it. I feel a physical pull if I'm on a high balcony or close to a ledge. It can get quite scary, although sometimes I'll force myself to put my hands on the railing and look down.

Sometimes, when I was little (7-8 years onwards), I would hear the words I and others spoke screamed loudly inside my head. It would usually only last a few minutes, but I remember being fucking upset while it was going on.

Also, if I'm ever someplace where there are no toilets around, I nearly always start thinking that I'm gonna get the runs. This has never happened, thankfully, but the thought of it can make me slightly panicky, and I'll often need to drop the kids off at the pool as soon as there is one available.

I also dislike being in situations where there's no easy and quick way to get out. It's not claustrophobia, I have no trouble being in tiny elevators etc., but if I'm at, say, a funeral, where getting up and leaving would be extremely conspicuous and impolite, I'll often feel queasy, dry mouth etc. As a result, I nearly always carry a bottle of water around with me.

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I don't do this so much any more, but when I did maths at school, I'd pretend the numbers had relationships and personalities and stuff.

10 was de jure in charge of all the number. He was powerful, but lazy, and he was better than all the other numbers, but rarely acted on that, or did anything at all.

9 was de facto in charge. She was power hungry, and jealous of 10, but didn't much mind because she got to run the show.

8 was very protective of the other numbers, except seven and five, and she protected them from nine's scheming.

7 and 5 were anarchists, they didn't play by the rules, but seven was more of an anarchist than five, who felt some kind of responsibility to the lower numbers, having a soft spot for 4 and three (who may have been his wife and kid)

6 was hard working, but not partiularly effective. y'know, the guy who works his ass off, but doesn't really go anywhere.

4 she helped 8 out looking after the other numbers

3 and 2 were children, both friends, three was a boy, two was a girl.

1 was a little baby, 10's son by 9 (if I remember correctly)

I do a very similar thing. Except 4 was one OCD bitch!

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