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Triskele

"That's your boyfriend?!?"

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OK, a little background:

There's a girl that I've liked for a while, but I've known that she was dating someone so I never really did much to pursue her. We were casual friends from school who talked occasionally. So another friend of ours has a birthday party last night. I knew that the girl I liked was very possibly going to be there and I wondered if she'd bring the boyfriend. She did...

So they sat across from me and I got to hang out and get to know the guy a bit for about two hours. The bottom line is that I was jaw-droppingly unimpressed. I really don't think it was my subconscious wanting to dislike the guy. He was really just not impressive in any way. I would bet that most women would not rate this guy as all that attractive. To be blunt, I would bet that a lot of women would find him distinctly unattractive (gaps in front teeth are hard to pull off). This was totally clear right away so I figured that he must have some kick ass personality or intellect. Now this was only a little exposure, but i was even less impressed with his personality than his looks. I stand dumbfounded. I kinda had this girl up on a bit of a pedestal and now I find out that she's dating someone that I would never have expected in a million years.

Anyone else ever had something like this happen?

I'm not sure if this should make me happy or sad. On the one hand, I feel like I my chances with this girl are a lot better than I realized. On the other hand, maybe I should never have liked her because she is weirder than I realized? WTF.

Clarification: I know that it's a bit rude sometimes to talk about what kind of "league" someone is in or to say that someone is dating "out of their league," but that is the best way I can describe this. Either I am delusional about what league this girl is in, or this guy, from my limited exposure, is dating way out of his league. So normally I'd say good for him, except that I want this girl.

I actually bought him a drink last night as a formality for the possibility that i steal his girlfriend someday.

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Not everyone chooses bf/gf based on how smart, handsome, or otherwise impressive they are. Some people like bf/gf with traits that are hard for others to see, like being attentive to their needs/moods, having the gift of understanding them intuitively, sharing the same faith or political agenda, etc.

At any rate, if you really think that this woman's choice is so horrible, then it should come as a relief to you that she didn't pick you. I mean, if she had, what would that have said about you? :)

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then it should come as a relief to you that she didn't pick you. I mean, if she had, what would that have said about you? :)

:lol:

Anyway, Terra said everything I was going to. Successful relationships are far more nuanced than most give credit to. Try to open your mind a bit, and realize that not everyone is going to evaluate others the same way you do. :)

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Also keep in mind that when a person decides to date someone, she doesn't necessarily have a lineup of assorted men from whom to choose. It's more likely that instead of saying "well I could date Bob, Tim, or unimpressive guy, and I choose unimpressive guy", that they were available at the same time, maybe involved in something together, and everything just fell into place. I don't mean to imply desperation on her part, but that's my experience of how one ends up dating someone unimpressive. And if the unimpressive guy has good things going for him that aren't immediately obvious at a party, like kindness or a common interest that didn't come up, there can be reason to keep dating for a while. (And if unimpressive guy is really nice, one can feel kind of mean for getting rid of him just because he's dull.

Either he has more going for him then you realize, or she'll get tired of how uninteresting he is, or she doesn't have a problem with boring people. Not much you can do there, but hopefully if she's everything you imagined and more, she'll end up drifting apart from him naturally.

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I actually come at this from the other perspective. When I was an undergrad, I had this friend (we'll call him Joe) who was really into me but I was not into him. There was no specific reason - he just wasn't my type. He also had major insecurities and low self-esteem, especially about his appearance. He was a little short and maybe had a hair-line that was inching back, and he was a little hairy in other areas. But whatever, he was definitely perfectly normal and acceptable, and otherwise he was really fun to be around. But he always made disparaging comments about himself and about how I was so awesome and above him in my kick-ass-ness.

He definitely put me on the pedestal (maybe therein was the problem). At one point in time, I made a comment about a guy I had dated who worked in a record store downtown. This other guy (we'll call him Max) was overweight, pasty, and balding at an early age - but he was super smart, hilarious and, in general, wonderful. When Joe realized which well-known record store employee I was talking about, he seriously flipped out. I'm talking actual spluttering, saying things like "That guy??! You went out with that guy?! But he's fat!" Basically, Joe was furious that I had gone out with some dude that was 'below' me, but I wouldn't go out with him. He was really mad and didn't really say anything to me the rest of the time we hung out that day.

I was incredibly annoyed and actually deeply offended. He'd put me up on such a pedestal that I wasn't allowed to go out with anybody but a fucking Ken doll. It made me feel cheap, like he thought I was some superficial bitch who only dated someone for their appearances. It was as if he thought I couldn't value intelligence and sincerity and all the qualities that make someone worthy of affection. Eventually I graduated and moved away, so we're not really friends anymore. But I have never forgotten that look of horror on his face when he'd realized I'd gone out with an 'ugly' dude. It was insulting. Obviously Joe was the superficial one, and the whole incident proved why I was right not to be attracted to him. But it was then that I learned that the whole issue of who's in whose 'league' is damaging and humiliating to both parties.

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I've had that as well, Luga, and more than once :thumbsdown:

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In addition to what everyone else has said, I'd like to point out that it might be premature to judge him based on his personality/intellect. Some people are naturally shy or awkward/strange around new people. Unlike looks, personality is not something that can be adequately judged upon limited exposure imo.

People can also be different in different situations. Maybe she met him online where he was witty +100 rep points guy.

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Maybe the girl really, really liked this certain book. And maybe the guy read that book, and was full of profound and witty insights. And maybe that was enough for the girl to dig the guy, and to overlook the guy's overwhelming number of deficits.

It's been known to happen.

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Triskele,

In addition to what everyone else has said, I'd like to point out that it might be premature to judge him based on his personality/intellect. Some people are naturally shy or awkward/strange around new people. Unlike looks, personality is not something that can be adequately judged upon limited exposure imo.

People can also be different in different situations. Maybe she met him online where he was witty +100 rep points guy.

What Bellis said. What draws two individuals together is rather mysterous in my opinion. At the end of the day what matters is that they make each other happy. However that happiness is derived.

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Probably not an uncommon story! I've come to realise over time that matters of attraction are far, far more complex than who ends up on celebrity magazine covers. Partly this comes from some recent personal experience, but I'm reminded of a girl in undergrad who was in the same honours program as me. She was a varsity cheerleader, very smart and put-together, and she thought that Jack Layton was really hot (her words, as I recall!). He had come to speak at our uni in fact. It surprised me, I suppose, though I suppose I've watched too much Seinfeld not to be influenced by Larry David's particular insecurities about his appearance.

To kinda come back to the OP, this same girl was also in a long distance relationship. We shared the same office, and I remember being in there once when her boyfriend was visiting and overheard their conversation. He'd probably have been considered conventionally attractive, but what I got from overhearing them was that he was a disrespectful jerk, though one never knows where the source of such tension lies. It's easy enough to rush to judgement... it's always interesting to note how jealousy affects our impressions too. ;)

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Alright alright alright, everyone is missing the most important part here. You like this girl yes? Sounds like some girlfriend theft is in order. Now, it sounds like you have a good start here, but I would direct you here. I look forward to hearing of your success in the near future :)

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Alright alright alright, everyone is missing the most important part here. You like this girl yes? Sounds like some girlfriend theft is in order.

Girlfriends, unlike flat-screen TVs or purses, are not objects that can be "stolen."

Also, actively trying to break up a relationship so that you can get with one of the people in that relationship is skeezy. I don't believe that Triskele is that kind of person.

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Girlfriends, unlike flat-screen TVs or purses, are not objects that can be "stolen."

Also, actively trying to break up a relationship so that you can get with one of the people in that relationship is skeezy. I don't believe that Triskele is that kind of person.

I apologize that my evident seriousness about the situation offended you :)

p.s. For the record I would never dream of stealing a flat-screen TV nor would I ever encourage such a despicable thing

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she's testing you, trisk. it's all theatre to see how loyally you pursue her even while presented with an obstruction.

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Girlfriends, unlike flat-screen TVs or purses, are not objects that can be "stolen."

Also, actively trying to break up a relationship so that you can get with one of the people in that relationship is skeezy. I don't believe that Triskele is that kind of person.

Haha, jeez Terra. :fencing:

Relax =)

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Maybe he's a tripod?

or perhaps an extremely sensitive lover. there was a great article by anka radakovic years ago about how she preferred men who were not classically beautiful--the less aesthetically standard, the better. the theory, confirmed by her exhaustive coital research apparently, was that classically beautiful people need not develop much skill in the carnal arts, relying as they do on their superficial aesthetics, whereas those with significant deviations from the local standard of beauty must develop substantial proficiency in the tao of fucking.

it's slick and counterintuitive. i likes. and it may be perfectly applicable in trisk's object's paramour's case.

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I'm against the idea of actively trying to wreck someone's relationship. Even if you "won" at the end, how's that victory going to feel? Besides, if you actively have to fight that hard to convince someone that you're "worthy", when they've already given themselves to someone else, what is the resulting relationship between you and that other person going to be like?

This actually happened to a good friend of mine. Let's call her Evelyn and let's call him Dominic. Evelyn was into Dominic since the moment they met. They've known each other for a couple of years and Eve has wanted Dom the entire time. Dom, during this time has been with all sorts of other women even though Eve is the one who's always there for him. Dom gets involved with Rosa. Evelyn decided to befriend Rosa, but the real purpose was to break up Dom and Rosa. She managed to do just that and finally, Dominic "realises" that Evelyn has always been there for him and now they're together. They live happily ever after? Not really. I'm not going to go into details about what happened after, but let's just say everyone is more than surprised that they're still together.

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