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Triskele

"That's your boyfriend?!?"

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Trisk - would you rather have her as a friend or not at all in your life? Because more times than not, that is the result of what I have seen come from the "I know you're dating someone, but I've liked you a long time...." I did it once and was lucky enough to have my friend get past my selfishness - that's kind of what it is. If she is happy in her relationship, enjoy that she is happy - she's spent far more time with him that you have, she probably has seen his good days and bad and still wants to stay with him.

As far as the first impression, reminds me of when I met someone a friend of mine was trying to set me up with. I had just come from two softball games, was bleeding from a spike I took in the shin and had a crap day at work. Needless to say my first impression to her was not the best - I got this feedback from her sister, the one trying to set us up. I was able to contact her about a week later, apologized for being a lump on a log that night ad ask for a second chance - worked out pretty well all things considered. Maybe he had a crap day and just wasn't feeling social that night.

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My daughter always dated "below her league" to use your turn of phrase. She's cute, smart, funny, adventurous, physically fit and loves playing sports and only one of the guys she ever dated was not a total doofus. Worse than ackward geeky and right down WTF? is she doing with him. I even had a guy at a Ren Faire ask me why she was with such a loser.* The guy she married is just short of doofus (but at least he is ok looking).

There is something about this kind of guy that just attracts her. ok, her dad is a bit of a doofus (yeah, I choose really well too)but I am not sure that is the full explanation. I don't know if there is any explanation at all.

While we all like looking at certain types when it comes to dating, there is something that often defies logic.

*she and her boyfriend had spent a lot of time looking at some swords and she gave me her ATM card to go back there and buy one for him. When I described them to the guy selling the swords he asked me what she was doing with such a loser. I replied I had no idea.

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Just to chime in, here - I have dated a very few men (one or two) about whom most people would have said "WHAT?". One in particular stands out - he was just incredibly good in bed, and that's why we were dating. I mean like Rock Star God in bed. He also spoke several languages fluently, and was a big fan of TS Eliot. I am also a big fan of TS Eliot.

Other than that, however, he was woefully underemployed as a restaurant prep cook. Just a brilliant guy with a dead end job, not particularly good looking (not butt-ugly, either, but definitely some visible imperfections).

When I broke up with him (because it was getting too serious), he sighed, "there goes all the top shelf booze and kinky sex."

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Have you considered he might be huge.... you know, down there?

just sayin.

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Just to chime in, here - I have dated a very few men (one or two) about whom most people would have said "WHAT?". One in particular stands out - he was just incredibly good in bed, and that's why we were dating. I mean like Rock Star God in bed. He also spoke several languages fluently, and was a big fan of TS Eliot. I am also a big fan of TS Eliot.

Other than that, however, he was woefully underemployed as a restaurant prep cook. Just a brilliant guy with a dead end job, not particularly good looking (not butt-ugly, either, but definitely some visible imperfections).

When I broke up with him (because it was getting too serious), he sighed, "there goes all the top shelf booze and kinky sex."

I dont think that's the reason why it ended, his lack of ambition seems more likely, no? :) Or maybe it was the physical imperfections, no teeth, hairy nostrils, monobrow maybe haha.

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In addition to what everyone else has said, I'd like to point out that it might be premature to judge him based on his personality/intellect. Some people are naturally shy or awkward/strange around new people. Unlike looks, personality is not something that can be adequately judged upon limited exposure imo.

People can also be different in different situations. Maybe she met him online where he was witty +100 rep points guy.

Bellis wrote those words far better than I could have done. So I agree completley with this. Listen to her.

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I thought the board hadn't been delivering for a while, but this thread is loads of fun.

In Spanish we have a specific slang word for this: 'maromo' (which is the guy who's dating the girl you'd rather be dating yourself). For some strange and inexplicable reason they're always ugly and stupid. And jerks too. You can offer some bizarre 'act of faith' explanation about how he maybe intuitively guesses her moods or how he might have been the guy available at the time... but that's just a load of. You might as well say that God made her do it. After all, this guy is as intuitive as a brick, and you were available, right?

*snip*

Bravo! :rofl:

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Then... I apologize for making light of a situation that you clearly feel much more strongly about than I do. However beyond that I believe you need to review the concept of sarcasm, as well as the rest of my posts.

To inject psychological research into this:

People can't reliably detect sarcasm just from a written communication like an email or discussion board post. They can't even do this when they know the other person in "real life" very well. And people who write sarcastic emails tend to be way overconfident in how effective they have been in indicating sarcasm.

And to expect anyone, even a moderator, to automatically remember enough of any one poster's posts for that to indicate to them whether or not the person is being sarcastic, is highly unrealistic. Anyone who actually read every post on every thread on this board simply wouldn't have time for a real life. :)

As for the original issue -- I agree that Triskele actually has way too little information about this guy and this woman's tastes to conclude that he is "out of her league". You can't judge that from one conversation.

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Trisk - sorry to hear that things never happened for you with this girl.

I think the expectations discussion is a good one. I have known women who are/were very focused on their relative status (but often over-estimate) and make a big deal about only dating guys in "their league". The dating scene in NYC seems to have a lot of this too, but thankfully I'm not part of it.

On the other hand, I've also known women who seemed like they could do better, and yet they were very happy in their relationship.

There are huge personality differences between the two types, and the latter type are generally happier and less psychotic, but also sometimes seem to have too little ambition in life (not just in relationships).

Of course, these are just two ends of a spectrum, with lots of people somewhere in the middle.

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I think the expectations discussion is a good one. I have known women who are/were very focused on their relative status (but often over-estimate) and make a big deal about only dating guys in "their league". The dating scene in NYC seems to have a lot of this too, but thankfully I'm not part of it.

I feel like I see that a lot in DC too. But hey, just becuase I'm not a lawyer or some senators lackey doesn't mean I'm not the coolest motherfucker in the bar. :P

If a woman is gonna make a fuss about only wanting to date a hill staffer or a lawyer then she's not my type anyway. I'd rather have a pet cobra.

(just using those occupations as an example, I do not harbor any hostility towards them)

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I dont think that's the reason why it ended, his lack of ambition seems more likely, no? :) Or maybe it was the physical imperfections, no teeth, hairy nostrils, monobrow maybe haha.

I think you misunderstand - he was crying in his martini because there went all the top shelf booze and kinky sex because I broke up with him.

I broke up with him because it was getting too serious, and I wasn't going to be serious with someone fundamentally incompatible - and that was squarely because of his lack of ambition. Orthodontia could have fixed the teeth.

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Warning: Broad Generalization that may piss people off to follow -

Yeah, yeah.

I will say this though... in my experience very few "great" relationships start from platonic friendships and even fewer great relationships start from hostile takeovers. It seems like the ideal situation is almost always to meet a SINGLE stranger with no shared history, no issues, blank slate, and go from there. The other situations almost always seem to go south in the end because of all the bullshit strings attached, the webs of regard, the complex feelings, and shared history.

Oh whatever. Husband and I started as a failed poaching attempt followed by about a year of platonic friendship, followed by a three to fourth month transition into dating. Another friend starting cheating on her fiance with her boss about five years ago, and is now ridiculously happily married to her old boss with two children. Yet another friend met his wife the week before she filed her divorce papers. And yet another friend poached his wife from this jerk guy she was dating that was just, alas, not that into her. They just had a baby last week.

Shit gets complicated. Probably also a result of all these happy marriages, I really don't have any problem with a person moving in one someone who's in a relationship. Ha! Now I think about it, after the platonic friendship phase, I think I actually poached my husband off some other girl he was dating about then. I had actually completely forgotten about that. And why wouldn't I? I have no idea who she is, and have never met her.

It's not like I think there's one perfect person for everyone, but certainly there will be people that you'll be happier with than others, and you should get the chance to know that one of them might be out there and make your own decisions. It's not ideal if they're with someone else, but unless you're not really all that into them, or they are married or in a serious marriage-like relationship, be tactful and don't relentlessly pursue, but give a shot still, what the hell.

Just be prepared to possibly lose the friendship.

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He'sobviously well endowed. Either phyiscally or finacially. Probably both.

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You have all missed the point! If we were really there for Trisk, we would be organizing a secret cabal to make the girl aware of how crappy the guy is, and thus open the door for Trisk without him being sullied. Where are all the wingmen? Let's channel our inner Littlefinger.

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I think you misunderstand - he was crying in his martini because there went all the top shelf booze and kinky sex because I broke up with him.

I broke up with him because it was getting too serious, and I wasn't going to be serious with someone fundamentally incompatible - and that was squarely because of his lack of ambition. Orthodontia could have fixed the teeth.

He wasn't doing anything with his life yeah :). There are plenty of people doing a certain job just so they can do what they really want in their own time, he wasn't one of those is what I gather :) Like you say it was all about the top shelf booze and other stuff (can't beat it haha)

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Yeah - in his spare time, he was writing the Great American Novel :)

He was wow, alittle like me, having cool ideas but of the actual writing nadda haha.

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I actually come at this from the other perspective. When I was an undergrad, I had this friend (we'll call him Joe) who was really into me but I was not into him. There was no specific reason - he just wasn't my type. He also had major insecurities and low self-esteem, especially about his appearance. He was a little short and maybe had a hair-line that was inching back, and he was a little hairy in other areas. But whatever, he was definitely perfectly normal and acceptable, and otherwise he was really fun to be around. But he always made disparaging comments about himself and about how I was so awesome and above him in my kick-ass-ness.

He definitely put me on the pedestal (maybe therein was the problem). At one point in time, I made a comment about a guy I had dated who worked in a record store downtown. This other guy (we'll call him Max) was overweight, pasty, and balding at an early age - but he was super smart, hilarious and, in general, wonderful. When Joe realized which well-known record store employee I was talking about, he seriously flipped out. I'm talking actual spluttering, saying things like "That guy??! You went out with that guy?! But he's fat!" Basically, Joe was furious that I had gone out with some dude that was 'below' me, but I wouldn't go out with him. He was really mad and didn't really say anything to me the rest of the time we hung out that day.

Joe’s in girl trouble again?!? :stunned:

That boy just never learns

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It's not like I think there's one perfect person for everyone, but certainly there will be people that you'll be happier with than others, and you should get the chance to know that one of them might be out there and make your own decisions. It's not ideal if they're with someone else, but unless you're not really all that into them, or they are married or in a serious marriage-like relationship, be tactful and don't relentlessly pursue, but give a shot still, what the hell.
I pretty much agree with this. Life isn't neat and simple. Sometimes a person you would be very happy with is with someone else. Maybe you'll end up together, maybe you won't.

I was living with someone else when I met my husband. He expressed interest. I expressed non-interest. He left me alone. Fast forward six months or more and the relationship I was in wasn't working out, so I ended it and the rest is history.

I actually think it's fine to voice a one-off expression of interest in a person who is in a relationship. If it is done in a respectful fashion it shouldn't be taken as an insult. But I think that, in general, repeated expressions of interest constitute pestering and will probably not do you any favours.

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