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What's wrong with 20-somethings?


Jaime L

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It’s happening all over, in all sorts of families, not just young people moving back home but also young people taking longer to reach adulthood overall. It’s a development that predates the current economic doldrums, and no one knows yet what the impact will be — on the prospects of the young men and women; on the parents on whom so many of them depend; on society, built on the expectation of an orderly progression in which kids finish school, grow up, start careers, make a family and eventually retire to live on pensions supported by the next crop of kids who finish school, grow up, start careers, make a family and on and on. The traditional cycle seems to have gone off course, as young people remain un­tethered to romantic partners or to permanent homes, going back to school for lack of better options, traveling, avoiding commitments, competing ferociously for unpaid internships or temporary (and often grueling) Teach for America jobs, forestalling the beginning of adult life.

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We’re in the thick of what one sociologist calls “the changing timetable for adulthood.” Sociologists traditionally define the “transition to adulthood” as marked by five milestones: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child. In 1960, 77 percent of women and 65 percent of men had, by the time they reached 30, passed all five milestones. Among 30-year-olds in 2000, according to data from the United States Census Bureau, fewer than half of the women and one-third of the men had done so. A Canadian study reported that a typical 30-year-old in 2001 had completed the same number of milestones as a 25-year-old in the early ’70s.

From the generational series: "What's wrong with kids these days?!"

There's a ton of different elements to this, and a million different choice being made for a million different reason, but I would argue that anecdotally it's true as a phenomena. I'm nearly 30 and I'm short the final two "milestones" and not planning on rectifying that any time soon. That said, I never viewed life as a treadmill or getting to "milestones". It's like that conversation in Fight Club where Jack's talking to Tyler talking about his conversations with his dad asking what to do with his life and the response: "I dunno - get a job. I dunno - get married." Every choice I've made has been geared towards carving out some happiness and meaning in my life even if it didn't fit someone else's idea of what I should be doing. I've seen my parent's generation's model for a life well lived, but let's be frank, that schema is broken - with more failures than successes if you look 40 years down the line. Seems to me the one's that did it right and without regret almost across the board stepped outside the box in one dimension or another to pursue something true to themselves, whatever that may be. But those who just rode the conveyor belt of "normal and expected" all the way to the end of the line ending up coming to resent it. Just my anecdotal impression of it, but incredibly difficult to shake.

Let me focus on the one area the article's talking about me to shed some light on my viewpoint. Can only speak for myself but the thing about marriage for me is, to quote the immortal Mike Birbiglia: "I never looked at my parent's marriage or the marriages around me and thought I need to get me some of that." Not that I begrudge people who do get married in their 20s or otherwise if that's what they believe will make them happy or allow them to have the experiences they want to have. Just that for a lot of people I think they do it because society kinda expects it of you and there is no other viable alternative. When I look at an article like this, to me, it feels like the result of a generation pushing back against a societal expectation.

This isn't to suggest that 20 somethings have some kind of answer that eluded prior generations. I don't think this is a concerted effort to rebel against social mores or milk parents for all the largesse they're willing to provide. Just think every generation has to find its own meaning in this world - the truths aren't self-evident that married and two kids by Age 27 is the path to enlightenment or that climbing the corporate ladder rung by rung will lead to the life we imagined for ourselves. Maybe we ultimately decide that we do, infact, want both those things but I see less and less of my peers just willing to accept that on good faith. Suppose I've ended up pursuing the latter, if not the former (yet, anyway), but even there I remain a skeptic.

What do you say? Are 20 somethings just lazy and self indulgent? How'd you view the equation when you were just starting out in life and how do you view it now?

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20-somethings shouldn't be expected to get married, but they should be expected to have the skills to go out and find a job that will sustain them, even if that means at a lower standard of living than what they got at Mommy and Daddy's house.

Self reliance and willingness to start at the bottom seems in shorter supply.

How many U.S. kids in high school these days work a part time job at McD's or the mall? Experiences like that build up confidence. There's got to be an underlying psychology to "Hey, I earned the money to buy that iPhone because I wanted it!" versus "Hey, I've been hooked up with this iPhone because my parents want to keep in touch."

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Ah, yes, people with no perspective arguing about this.

For the record, "people moving out early" is a relatively new thing. It's *basically* a post-war phenomenon in western society (it doesen't work that way at all in many other societies, including other industrialized ones like japan) it's *probably* connected with the ease of college education and getting a job.

Historically (thatis, early-modern and medieval times) westerners (and by this I mean most people, and by that I mean peasants, although the lower bourgeisie had similar family patterns) tended to live with their parents until about age 15, then any children not needed on the parental household would go live with their employeer (usually some other farmer) they'd move around a bit but live in essentially a familial relationship with said employeer (who had most of the parent's legal rights over them) until around age 25-28 when they'd (if they were lucky) have gathered enough money to form marry and form their own household, alternatively inherit that of their parents.

This changed with the industrial revolution, wage labour meant less capital investment needed to forma household (you didn't have to buy land, or at least get enough money to lease it) this meant marriage ages went down (and, incidentally, population growth up) this was slowly countered by the fact that education became more and more important, which meant that you had to spend more time in training before you could make money, since money (or perhaps more importantly the stability of having a job that you can feel comfortably that you can keep for the next few years) is (still) a pretty big determinant of whether or not you want to get married... Yeah.

Basically as the job market becomes harsher (and even if you can still get a job, it's not always certain it will be a job you can rely on for very long...) you're not going to be as inclined to settle down (since you don't know what will happen, and forming a new household is a pretty long-term project).

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Also not to mention that 4. and 5. (marriage and kids) is not exactly something that just happens at some arbitrary age when we want it to happen, assuming that we even want it to happen. Unless, we're advocating returning to traditional arranged/forced marriages and shunning of the childless.

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20-somethings shouldn't be expected to get married, but they should be expected to have the skills to go out and find a job that will sustain them, even if that means at a lower standard of living than what they got at Mommy and Daddy's house.

Self reliance and willingness to start at the bottom seems in shorter supply.

Yes, but folks have said this about every generation clear on back to the 60s. I'm sure even "The Greatest Generation" was often screamed at to "get off the damn lawn".

I think 20 somethings are finding marriage and careers later in life than prior generations. But think it's somewhat shakier ground to assume they're lazier or more self indulgent.

How many U.S. kids in high school these days work a part time job at McD's or the mall? Experiences like that build up confidence. There's got to be an underlying psychology to "Hey, I earned the money to buy that iPhone because I wanted it!" versus "Hey, I've been hooked up with this iPhone because my parents want to keep in touch."

Agree to some extent. But this'll become more difficult as early 20 somethings and teens are increasingly getting crowded out of the job market by the Great Recession and Boomers who can/will no longer retire.

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Agree to some extent. But this'll become more difficult as early 20 somethings and teens are increasingly getting crowded out of the job market by the Great Recession and Boomers who can/will no longer retire.

My take is a first job for an employer can wait until the 20's, but it's a heck of a lot easier for someone who has actually worked before they graduate high school or college. Service industry jobs dealing with customers (like a McD's or other restaurant) were a way that we learned how to handle ourselves. That's from applying for the job to depositing the paycheck to dealing with nasty patrons. Most of my friends in high school did this, along with carrying honors classes and playing sports.

Having a job at 16 or 17 was one of those rites of passage. It often meant a few gallons of gas or that new tape/CD at the record store.

I don't have numbers on this to back me up, so I could be way off in my thoughts.

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My take is a first job for an employer can wait until the 20's, but it's a heck of a lot easier for someone who has actually worked before they graduate high school or college. Service industry jobs dealing with customers (like a McD's or other restaurant) were a way that we learned how to handle ourselves. That's from applying for the job to depositing the paycheck to dealing with nasty patrons. Most of my friends in high school did this, along with carrying honors classes and playing sports.

Having a job at 16 or 17 was one of those rites of passage. It often meant a few gallons of gas or that new tape/CD at the record store.

I don't have numbers on this to back me up, so I could be way off in my thoughts.

The issue is that a lot of these "for kids" jobs are now taken by adults desperate for a job, any job. (be they immigrants or people who have been let go by the recession) since young people (especialyl first-jobbers) have their own hassles for an employer, well...

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For the record, "people moving out early" is a relatively new thing. It's *basically* a post-war phenomenon in western society (it doesen't work that way at all in many other societies, including other industrialized ones like japan) it's *probably* connected with the ease of college education and getting a job.

I know in Costa Rica (and I'm fairly certain in many European countries) its much more common for children to live at home with their parents well into their late 20's.

In fact, in the town I lived in, Santa Ana in Costa Rica, parents would often just build additional wings to the house to accommodate their kid's own families.

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I just sent this article to my parents. I think it has a lot of valid points.

Certainly, after having just turned 29, I feel 30 has a looming scary deadline. I also always feel that I'm constantly pretending to be "grown up" rather than actually feeling that way.

And I'm one of the ones who moved right out after graduating from college, have stayed at the same great job for six years, moving up all the while, and have never moved home.

And I still don't feel like I've figured out anything...

ETA: sometimes. I will admit there are other times when I feel like everything is going according to plan.

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Those 5 milestones aren't the milestones they used to be. Honestly, today's milestones should be more along the lines of "completed school (or as much school as you intend to)", "moved out of your parent's house", "become financially independent" and "sustain a relationship for a significant period (actual marriage and kids being purely optional)"

Seriously, if you can't accomplish all of that by 30, you're doing it wrong. And yes, you are prolonging childhood.

Leaving in the original milestones 4 and 5 (marriage and kids) only muddies the water.

"Well, I don't want a marriage. And I don't want to have kids, old man!"

"That's cool. But get the hell out of my house, you're 33. And pay your own bills."

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I'm just starting to become one of these lazy 20-somethings. I'm 21 and graduated with my bachelors in May but am back at home with my parents at the moment working a couple jobs that have nothing to do with my field and are barely above minimum wage. I'm in the middle of the application process to the US foreign service but won't hear back for a few months and have no other real prospects at the moment. I intend to move out as soon as possible and I do feel like a bum still living here but I don't want to get stuck in a lease or with bills that will leash me to the area any longer than possible. There are few jobs here and absolutely none in my field so if I get stuck here I will not only be completely shut out of my field but pretty miserable. So even though it is depressing being done with school and still living with my parents, it's very little burden on them and massivley beneficial for me so it doesn't look like it's going to change until I can find at least an entry level job.

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Guest Raidne

I felt really not adult-like at 28 and pretty fully adult-like at 31. So, for me, I guess it was all wrapped up in having a career/job. Getting married didn't make any sort of difference for me. And it shouldn't, IMO. It's a separate thing and is not about feeling like an adult, assuming anyone cares about things like marrying the right person?

I never lived at home with my parents in my 20s, but I did finance my living expenses with student loans during law school. The year between college and law school, I paid my rent with what I earned at my bullshit cafe job. That would not have been possible if I lived in a big city.

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I'm 22 and I don't feel remotely like an adult or a kid for that matter. I mean I am financially independent (mostly student loans but still...), live 400 miles from my parents and don't see them very often, will have my Master's in less than a year, work between 24 and 40 hours a week, etc., etc.

But I see nothing wrong with getting drunk with friends on a random Tuesday, and by random I mean pretty much every Tuesday unless it was Monday or Wed. instead, and every Friday and Saturday night still mean hitting the bars heavily of course. I have no interest in owning a home, having kids, or going to a dinner party. I procrastinate like it's last week. I still enjoy the video games (tho what genres has changed), and you'll pry my backwards baseball cap from my cold dead fingers.

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There's something uniquely WASPy about this whole sentiment that to continue to live with one's parents or to return to live with them after college is a sign of not-growing up. In many cultures, as long as you're financially independent and contribute to household chores and financial obligations, there's nothing wrong with that. I think that if anything, that just signifies an even stronger family bond and a positive sign of maturity.

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Those 5 milestones aren't the milestones they used to be. Honestly, today's milestones should be more along the lines of "completed school (or as much school as you intend to)", "moved out of your parent's house", "become financially independent" and "sustain a relationship for a significant period (actual marriage and kids being purely optional)"

Seriously, if you can't accomplish all of that by 30, you're doing it wrong. And yes, you are prolonging childhood.

What about those of us with no interest in romantic relationships? I don't personally see why that should be a prerequisite for adulthood, even if it isn't as extreme as marriage and kids. Really, in my mind the only prerequisite for adulthood is to take responsibility for your own life. That might often mean living independently but not necessarily depending on the situation.

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There's something uniquely WASPy about this whole sentiment that to continue to live with one's parents or to return to live with them after college is a sign of not-growing up. In many cultures, as long as you're financially independent and contribute to household chores and financial obligations, there's nothing wrong with that. I think that if anything, that just signifies an even stronger family bond and a positive sign of maturity.

It's interesting, because now that I'm in my 30s I've come around to the other side of this. I like spending time with the 'rents. I'm financially independent and don't need to prove that I'm an adult, therefore, I really don't have a problem with them coming across country and staying with me for a while (or vice versa if necessary) and helping me out with stuff (or vice versa). I recently had this conversation with other people around my age (both of them WASPy women) and they had the same view of things.

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As someone in my 20s who is living at home, lollygagging is AWESOME right now; I haven't slept properly in like six years, so catching up on rest is amazing. But yeah, that said, I'm definitely excited to get a job and get out sooner rather than later; I don't really enjoy feeling like a leech, and would like to have an independent life. Something about continuing to accept from my parents after a point feels wrong; a good portion of life seems to be making your own decisions and dealing with the fallout. Currently I can still treat this as a last summer vacation, but if we get late into fall without my having done anything, I'll feel like an asshole; thus I'm tuning the resume, etc.

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I'm 28, and I don't know what adulthood really means. I'm financially independent, live 1500 miles from my parents, have a college degree and a mortgage, am in a long term relationship (and was previously married), and childfree so #5 isn't ever in my plans.

But I don't see my life as being like my parents' or their peers. Maybe I'm just fooling myself on that point. I see myself as having more flexibility and less attachment to a certain way of life.

The main thing that I think keeps me from considering myself an adult is my indecision about my career. I haven't settled on what I want to do, indeed I don't even have a general idea of what I might end up doing, and I'm not on a linear career path. I don't go to an office every day. I worry that my attachment to my salary is going to end up tying me down, beginning of Fight Club style. I haven't even decided where I want to live. Sure, adults of my parents' age move sometimes because of work, family or outside situations, but I don't know of many who just decide that they want to live in another place so get up and move there (which is how I got to Denver). I don't have a strong sense of "home". I also don't have a stable group of friends in the area where I live.

What about the independent and gainfully employed who "aren't living up to their potential"? It seems that to be considered a "real adult", one must have a certain adult aesthetic and lose interest in the things they liked as college students. I have a friend who drives a bus and lives in an apartment with a roommate. It's hard not to have the attitude that his lifestyle is extended adolescence since it's a college-y thing to be doing. OTOH, if he's completely self-supporting and providing for himself, should anyone really care if he buys a house or gets married or finds a more middle class job?

In my experience, even though they're the least important signs of adulthood in my mind, a lot of people put the emphasis on getting married and having kids. If one is single, it doesn't matter if one has a stable career, nice place to live and happy life - some people will act like they haven't grown up. While if one is married with kids, people will treat them like adults even if they have unstable employment and immature life drama.

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I lived on my own in Providence, more or less financially independent, as soon as I graduated from college. After I'd been there for five years, my company relocated me to LA, where my mother lives. I love my mother and enjoy visiting her for Christmas and stuff. When I took the relocation offer, I thought, "Wow, I can live with Mom for two or three months and save up some cash."

I had a new apartment two weeks after moving back to LA.

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