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Let's have that conversation about kids


Guest Raidne

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I'm only 21, but I'm pretty much sure that I never want to be pregnant. I think the risks are just too big; sure, women give birth and survive, but women give birth and get PPD, too, not to mention other things. When I was taking birth control pills, I had terrible mood swings, cried all the time, had absolutely no desire to have sex and gained plenty of weight, and I'm terrified that these and other nasty things will happen again if I get pregnant.

I used to be terrified of pregnancy, cos the only descriptions I had to go by were from people of my mum's generation and older. And back then it was basically lie down, STFU and do what we tell you, sort of thing. Today, a pregnancy can be an interesting personal project where you can decide a lot yourself. Of course, there are no guarantees you'll have a water birth with your doula and your favourite Mozart piece playing, (you may in fact end up an annoyed emergency C-section like me) but there is a good chance that you may.

Also, I think the strains the female body is going to go through when it comes to delivery are being more recognised as something you need to prepare for, not only mentally, but also physically. I saw it a bit like preparing for a sports event, in a way, or a really big test at school. A challenge that I needed to get through, which gave me more motivation to learn stuff about it, and also how to deal with those things.

Pregnancy is risky yes, and it's a big strain on the body, but that in itself is not a reason to not have kids, I think, unless there are other conditions that you need to take into account (diabetes, severe obesity, hereditary diseases, etc). Make no mistake, the female body is built like a brick shithouse when it comes to pregnancy, which at least I came to think was pretty goddamn awesome. Maybe it's just the feminist in me, but it was kind of thrilling and a empowering in a way I had not anticipated. And I say this as someone whos's definitely coming down more on the side of de Beauvoir than the mother Earth, home birth enthusiasts.

When it comes to complications, again, a possibility. I think it's often a good idea to do your homework, check out the hospitals/midwife led units in the area to see what their record is and what philosophy they use, and what kinds of support they offer, their views on C-sections etc.

Is there pain? Yes, there is, but I often feel people are focusing more on that than on everything else. My main beef with pregnancy and birth and all that is that it's uncomfortable, and sometimes annoying. I'd take short term pain over long term discomfort myself.

When it comes to mood swings etc. Check your immidiate family. Did your mum and/or her sisters, your grandmother etc have mood swings around the time they were pregnant? Probably larger risk for you to get it too. However, I found knowing about that they *would* come helped me immensely. Peeling an apply made me cry, but at least I knew I wasn't going mad, it was just hormones. And sometimes I'd laugh at myself when I started crying from things like peeling apples, having some tea or doing the laundry.

For people who get severe postpartum depression, there is a lot of good help out there, which didn't used to be the case for our mothers and grandmothers. As with lots of other things, they were told to STFU and get on with it. Postpartum depression used to be super taboo, but now I found the health visitors were very thoroughly checking that I had no signs at all of any depression.

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Guest Raids

Yes, these things are concerns. Real concerns. Most of the ones you mention are also the reasons I moved from UK to Sweden: easier time having a family and rearing kids while still working. I hardly have a "career job" but I have a solid education and a pretty decent job that doesn't pay badly at all. And I'd like to keep things this way.

It's a totally valid position to think that the implications of having children are just too high as a woman, because in many places, they are.

There are possibilities to solve the puzzles around working and having kids, but they're not going to be easy or simple. And most likely they're going to cost a fair bit.

I always wondered how our old friend RT worked this out. He didn't seem to be a big proponent of state assistance, to put it...mildly. So was he planning on enculturating WASPy women to see it pregnancy as their patriotic duty, or was in just balls-out enslavement The Handmaid's Tale-style?

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I always wondered how our old friend RT worked this out. He didn't seem to be a big proponent of state assistance, to put it...mildly. So was he planning on enculturating WASPy women to see it pregnancy as their patriotic duty, or was in just balls-out enslavement The Handmaid's Tale-style?

Oh, I am convinced his wet dream is all about blonde, big-chested WASPy Helga-ladies with at least three, four broodlings she'd firmly educate in the Proper Patriotic Way for White People while simultaneously making wonderful home-cooked dinners and ironing his underwear.

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Lyanna, thanks :) Your post is full of good advice, but reading it, I felt very much like shouting DO NOT WANT and hiding under the bed. I guess I just don't want to have children enough to be willing to go through pregnancy. :blushing:

I just wanted to comment on one thing: while there is a lot of help regarding postpartum depression, there is still no certain way to prevent it. This is probably my biggest fear regarding pregnancy, since I have some second-hand experience with depression (not the postpartum kind, but still); my SO has had it for ages, and it's this really scary thing that's impossibly alien to me. I don't think I could function at least remotely normally if I had it, let alone if I got it right after giving birth. So, yeah. At least for now, I don't have to decide since SO doesn't want children anyway. :)

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I'm only 21, but I'm pretty much sure that I never want to be pregnant. I think the risks are just too big; sure, women give birth and survive, but women give birth and get PPD, too, not to mention other things. When I was taking birth control pills, I had terrible mood swings, cried all the time, had absolutely no desire to have sex and gained plenty of weight, and I'm terrified that these and other nasty things will happen again if I get pregnant.

As for having (adopted) kids, I'm on the fence about that. SO is mostly against it, but I so often think along the lines of 'when I have a kid, I will ...' that I can't imagine never having one. So, I'll put it this way: if I were a guy, I'd totally want children. As it is, though, I have absolutely no idea whether I'll have them or not. I'll wait a few years and see what happens. :)

First I would get your birth control pills checked. My wife has been on them for over ten years and had a bad reaction when they changed them, the dosage was wrong and she acted like that. Once they changed the dosage she was back to her "normal" self.

When she was pregnant, she was not all of that crazy. I think some of the crazy food cravings and mood swings are more pronounced on TVs and movies that they are in real life. Far as PPD goes, she did not suffer it. I know women who have had it and with support it was not too bad.

It is a good idea to wait. You have plenty of time to think about it and see where your life takes you.

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Lyanna, thanks :) Your post is full of good advice, but reading it, I felt very much like shouting DO NOT WANT and hiding under the bed. I guess I just don't want to have children enough to be willing to go through pregnancy. :blushing:

I just wanted to comment on one thing: while there is a lot of help regarding postpartum depression, there is still no certain way to prevent it. This is probably my biggest fear regarding pregnancy, since I have some second-hand experience with depression (not the postpartum kind, but still); my SO has had it for ages, and it's this really scary thing that's impossibly alien to me. I don't think I could function at least remotely normally if I had it, let alone if I got it right after giving birth. So, yeah. At least for now, I don't have to decide since SO doesn't want children anyway. :)

Oh, I get you. I was absolutely "DO NOT WANT" for ages as well. I was afraid of the physical bit, I thought it would turn me into a SAHM forever and I would end up in a mental institution or what not. I felt that it would definitely intrude too much on my life, that I'd feel chained down and resent the kid, etc. Perhaps if I'd had an amazing career at 30 things would have been different. I had just changed jobs to a shitty dead end job cos the company I used to work for went bankrupt and I guess I realised I wouldn't be young forever. I guess I felt "why not? now is as good as ever, hell, it might not even work". So not particularly dramatic, really.

When it comes to postpartum depression, while serious, it is different from normal depression in that it is, by its nature, temporary. You also have a more "natural" support network around you than at other points in life (at least in the UK and Sweden, you have loads of checkups after the birth) and the nurses and midwives and sometimes also GPs are trained to check for postpartum depression symptoms and to catch that sort of stuff early on. I think it's really rare these days for postpartum depression to go unnoticed for a long time, or for women to be told to just "get on with it and stop moping".

But, not like you need to decide tomorrow anyway. :)

As for birth control pills, stay the hell away from the combination varieties, they are poison. Mine are without oestrogen but still has the same more lenient time constraints that combination pills do. I think they're called Cerazette or some such. Ask your GP/midwife for a swap if you're not happy with your pills. There are also other methods you might want to look at if pills turn out not to be an option.

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Guest Raids

Yeah, just want to reiterate that being on the wrong pill, or too high of a dose, including combination pills, can be pretty serious in the mood alteration department.

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I always wondered how our old friend RT worked this out. He didn't seem to be a big proponent of state assistance, to put it...mildly. So was he planning on enculturating WASPy women to see it pregnancy as their patriotic duty, or was in just balls-out enslavement The Handmaid's Tale-style?

I'm sure he's joined the Quiverfull movement by now :ack:

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I have known since I was 15 years old that I never wanted to be a mother. People constantly told me (and now have thankfully stopped) that one day I would change my mind, that as I aged my clock would start ticking. Well I'm almost 30 now and guess what, I'm completely certain I never had a clock to begin with!

My husband and I have a cat, 2 chinchillas, and will most certainly add more furry children to our family as the years pass. But real children are not for us! We like our freedom, the ability to be irresponsible if we so choose, being able to have our own toys, having time for our hobbies… we like our life the way it is. I think both being only children might have also played a decent hand in our choice, you can imagine the reasons.

I think those of us who make that decision to not reproduce are given somewhat of a hard time by society (how could you not want kids), and that does irk me. Just because I don't want children doesn't mean I'm not fit to raise them, it's just the way I want to live my life.

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