Worst Imaginable Scenes from Winds of Winter (spoilers, naturally)

[Queen Cersei I]

Cersei had seen how tight the bonds grew between squires and the knights they served. She did not want tommen growing close to Loras Tyrell. The Knight of Flowers was no sort of man for any boy to emulate."

"Where am I to find a new master at arms? she wondered..having refused Ser Loras, she dare not turn to any of the Kingsguard knights; that would be salt in the wound, certain to anger highgarden. ..

..Aron Santagar was Dornish, Cersei recalled. I could send to Dorne. Centuries of blood and war lay between Sunspear and Highgarden. Yes, a Dornishman might suit my needs admirably. There must be some good swords in Dorne."

Kings Landing. Cersei is in a completely deserted corner of the red keep, talking to a mysterious, hooded stranger carrying a long blade.

Cersei: Ah, my good Ser—well met! I am glad that I have at last found a dornishman to replace Aron Santagar to serve as my master at arms. You did say you were Dornish, didn’t you?

Mysterious Stranger: Nods.

Cersei: Good, good. Now, ser, I must confess—initially I hired you to protect my son from the dread influence of a truly terrifying monster-- a boy whom the frightened peasants refer to as (whispers) “the knight of flowers.” (Shudders). But, thank the gods, before that flowery demon boy could take my beloved son into the great sept for some intensive “praying”, I found you, waiting in an alley in Kings Landing, picking scraps of food off the street and muttering vaguely about blood and darkness and vengeance. When I heard that, I thought to myself, "now this is just the kind of individual I want safegurarding my children!" That was a chance meeting, wasn’t it, ser?

Mysterious stranger: Nods.

Cersei: I thought as much. For I am the great Cersei and I know all.

At any rate, I have decided that the wicked knight of flowers and his obscene “religious devotions” are no longer the greatest threat to my son. It has recently come to my attention that my daughter, Myrcella, is in Dorne! Of course, I knew this before, but I suppose I forgot it, since I never thought of my daughter more than once or twice throughout the course of AFFC. Despite compelling evidence in previous books that I sincerely loved her. Of course, now that I’ve remembered that my fool of a brother gave myrcella over to those Dornish snakes (no offense!) I am determined to rescue my daughter from the grips of the villainous Doran.

The only logical course from here…. Is to kidnap Myrcella from the Dornish at risk of inciting a war, and then kill her little betrothed, to ensure said war happens! Then I will proceed to send Myrcella off into the middle of nowhere to some undisclosed location with a total (mysterious and vaguely sinister) stranger. Now, when I saw you in flea bottom, crawling around on the road, polishing your sword, and cackling maniacally and speaking about “revenge for Dorne”, I knew you would be just the man for the job!

So, here is my daughter. Do you have the means of protecting her?

Mysterious stranger: (Nods, and pulls out long, glittering blade.)

Cersei: Oh good, a sword! And it looks like it’s newly been sharpened. No doubt it will be able to cut through human flesh like butter, and murder any fool helpless enough to end up on the wrong side of your sword in an instant! Goodness, I’d pity any fool so unfortunate as to be on your “hit” list, my good ser!

Now, here is my daughter. I have tied her up, bound and gagged her… for your convenience and her own good, of course. What else would any loving mother do?

(Cersei hands over the struggling, bound and gagged form of her only daughter to the mysterious stranger.)

Cersei: Here you go, ser. My, but aren’t you handsome… in a dark way. Perhaps when you return with my daughter at some undisclosed time, you and I can do a bit of “praying” of our own, if you know what I mean.

At any rate—farewell, good ser.

Mysterious Stranger: (Starts to leave, then turns around): Oh, your grace, before I leave, one last thing.

Cersei: (Impatiently) Yes?

Mysterious Stranger: I am of the night. (Leaves.)

[Sword in the Morning]

Isn't this kind of fan-fic, in a big way? And we're not supposed to post fan-fic?

[Woman of War]

Isn't this kind of fan-fic, in a big way? And we're not supposed to post fan-fic?

No, this is fun-fic, fanfic is that stuff where fangirls take themselves seriously and humour comes only unintentional (may be really funny though)

[Alexia]

Actually, this stuff is fanfic. I've seen fanfic that is facetious, and fanfic that takes itself seriously, but this is definitely fanfic.

[Whatever]

Actually, this stuff is fanfic. I've seen fanfic that is facetious, and fanfic that takes itself seriously, but this is definitely fanfic.

i don't think it's THAT kind of ff. We're not writing tales using GRRM characters, we're just saying "i don't want this to happen" in 200 words posts

[MyDogIsNamedDanerys]

Actually, this stuff is fanfic. I've seen fanfic that is facetious, and fanfic that takes itself seriously, but this is definitely fanfic.

nooooooooooooooo you're gonna summon teh modz! and we were having so much fun (me reading not so much with the writing).

[Alexia]

nooooooooooooooo you're gonna summon teh modz! and we were having so much fun (me reading not so much with the writing).

Well, the thread I was lovin' got mod-struck for speculation and this is outright writing of scenes! I just wanna spread our pain and suffering throughout the board! Muahahaha!

Seriously though, I was enjoying reading it too! But it is still fanfic!

[1234567]

Mysterious Stranger: I am of the night. (Leaves.)

Oh sweet Jesus......please please please let Gerold Dayne have the Prologue, and for the love of everything that's holy, make it one page long and detailing how he and Balon Swann kill each other.

Edit: Besides Aero Hotah, the new Dornish Master of Arms at the Red Keep will slay Tommen. It is known. :drunk:

[DukeTheGold]

Somewhere in the North

Ramsey Bolton: Reek! There you are. Come over here, I want to show you something. Look, it's my new caged human monkey who used to be King Beyond the Wall.

Reek Number Three/Stannis Baratheon: Very interesting m'lord.

[Stannis the Great]

Oh sweet Jesus......please please please let Gerold Dayne have the Prologue, and for the love of everything that's holy, make it one page long and detailing how he and Balon Swann kill each other.

Edit: Besides Aero Hotah, the new Dornish Master of Arms at the Red Keep will slay Tommen. It is known. :drunk:

But having Darkstar as a prologue character would be one of the best imaginable scenes from Winds of Winter. It's actually just behind Daario's lament of his life just before he's loaded onto a trebuchet and hits the walls of Meereen.

[ZacharyB]

King's Landing

Jamie: Tommen, I have to tell you something.

Tommen: *While playing with his cat* What is it, Ser Uncle Jamie?

Jamie: Cersei never told you what happened to your father.

Tommen: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Jamie: No. I am your father.

Tommen. No, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Queen Cersei I]

King's Landing

Jamie: Tommen, I have to tell you something.

Tommen: *While playing with his cat* What is it, Ser Uncle Jamie?

Jamie: Cersei never told you what happened to your father.

Tommen: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Jamie: No. I am your father.

Tommen. No, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Erm, does the poor, immature, coddled 9 year old Tommen even know where babies come from? Because it really wouldn't shock me if he didn't. The kid is nine, but still acts about 6, 7 at the very most.

At any rate, I wouldn't be shocked if that admission from Jaime was greeted by Tommen not with shock or dismay (noooooooo!) but with simple, childish incomprehension.

"No, sorry uncle Jaime-- mommy was married to the king, and that makes him my daddy! Don't you know that the stork belonging to the maiden and the mother has the daddies bless the little babies before delivering them to their mommies in little baskets! So the king blessed me, and that makes him my daddy! Aw, babies are so cute... I like kitties!"

It reminds me of this old story I heard-- Vita Sackville West was having a lesbian affair with Virginia Wolf in the 1930's. Once, at a party, some adult confronted her 6 year old son, informing him, "Virginia Woolf loves your mother."

"Well of course she does," exclaimed the child. "We all do!"

Anyway, I think Tommen's reaction to hearing Jaime state "I want your beautiful mother... badly!" would be the same. ("We all do, uncle Jaime!")

[ZacharyB]

Erm, does the poor, immature, coddled 9 year old Tommen even know where babies come from? Because it really wouldn't shock me if he didn't. The kid is nine, but still acts about 6, 7 at the very most.

At any rate, I wouldn't be shocked if that admission from Jaime was greeted by Tommen not with shock or dismay (noooooooo!) but with simple, childish incomprehension.

"No, sorry uncle Jaime-- mommy was married to the king, and that makes him my daddy! Don't you know that the stork belonging to the maiden and the mother has the daddies bless the little babies before delivering them to their mommies in little baskets! So the king blessed me, and that makes him my daddy! Aw, babies are so cute... I like kitties!"

It reminds me of this old story I heard-- Vita Sackville West was having a lesbian affair with Virginia Wolf in the 1930's. Once, at a party, some adult confronted her 6 year old son, informing him, "Virginia Woolf loves your mother."

"Well of course she does," exclaimed the child. "We all do!"

Anyway, I think Tommen's reaction to hearing Jaime state "I want your beautiful mother... badly!" would be the same. ("We all do, uncle Jaime!")

I realize the scene makes no sense at all, I was just doing it for the Star Wars reference. :P

There are actually more lines between the No, Luke (or Tommen, in this case), I am your father and the NOOOOO...but I couldn't really remember them word for word so I just omitted them due to laziness. ;)

[Daena the Defiant]

Well, the thread I was lovin' got mod-struck for speculation and this is outright writing of scenes! I just wanna spread our pain and suffering throughout the board! Muahahaha!

Seriously though, I was enjoying reading it too! But it is still fanfic!

I would graciously counter that most of this is actually fair use parody :)

[Alexia]

I would graciously counter that most of this is actually fair use parody :)

Isn't most fanfiction? :P

Misery loves company....

[Candor]

In the afterlife:

Cersei: So you were the Valonqar?

Stannis: *nod*

Cersei: Interesting.

Stannis: And Azor Ahai. I died slaying the last of the Others.

Cersei: Interesting.

Stannis: And the Prince Who Was Promised, obviously. As much as I wanted it I was only ever a Prince while my brother was King, and nothing afterward.

Cersei: Interesting.

Stannis: I'm also a secret Targaryen, instead of a person who just had some Targ blood in him from previous generations. You know how it is.

Cersei: Mmm-hmm.

Stannis: Is something wrong?

Cersei: Oh, no.

Stannis: Right, and in addition to all of that, I also was the hooded man in Winterfell. You know, scoping out the logistics before I went to battle.

Cersei: Hmm.

Stannis: Are you absolutely certain? You seem a little... distracted.

Cersei: *waves hand dismissively*

Stannis: I was also Melisandre, all along, because you realize how incredible it is that some hot red priestess just magically shows up on Dragonstone and proclaims me a hero and a king? I had to make it look credible before calling the banners. Hehe, people are such idiots, they totally bought it!

Cersei: *scowls at something in the distance*

Stannis: What did I just say?

Cersei: *not even paying attention, missing all the clues as usual* TYRION DID IT! I KNOW HE DID BECAUSE HE HATES ME AND WANTS TO KILL MY BABIES AND HE ALWAYS DOES EVERYTHING!!! AGHGHGHG KILL HIM!

Stannis: *epic facepalm*

[Queen Cersei I]

Isn't most fanfiction? :P

Misery loves company....

No, not really. From my own (admittedly rather limited) experiences with the phenomenon of fan fiction, it seems as though it is generally fantasy and wish fullfillment that such works are aimed at, rather than satire. Often, readers will take a fantasy world created by another, then insert one or more avatars, doing a bit of vicarious living and allowing readers to do the same. "Insert character name here" shows up, acts awesome, looks gorgeous, has a bunch of thriling adventures, gets numerous smoking hot members of the opposite sex pining after them, and then the story's pretty much done.

Of course, I'm sure there are all different kinds of fan fiction-- the fantasy/ wish fulfillment that I mentioned; something done for simple entertainment purposes; something done for the sake of sexual excitement, etc. I'd say that in this sort of writing, true parody/ satire is genuinely quite rare. If someone loves a group of books/ movies or what have you enough to dedicate their free time to writing stories based in such worlds, then that suggests that said person will often lack a certain degree of detachment in regards to the books/ tv show. In order to satirize something, one has to be aware of it's flaws, and able to critically mock it's flaws. Often fans of the fan fiction variety are so into the books/ movies that they are unable to approach them with much detachment. :dunno:

Edited to add: Sorry for the randomness, just wanted to note that the short, satirical little pieces here seem to differ from your typical fan fiction.

[Candor]

Cersei: *not even paying attention, missing all the clues as usual* TYRION DID IT! I KNOW HE DID BECAUSE HE HATES ME AND WANTS TO KILL MY BABIES AND HE ALWAYS DOES EVERYTHING!!! AGHGHGHG KILL HIM!

Stannis: *epic facepalm*

Oops, I meant to say "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" :blushing:

Because our lovely Cersei is most certainly the Queen of Hearts if this were paralleling Alice In Wonderland. Would that make Tyrion Alice or the Knave of Hearts? I confess it could be either! All of Alice's ponderings could fit in with Tyrion's various ones such as "Where do whores go?" or he could be the KoH because well, he is a little knave :P

[only me]

And I was having so much fun. I can stop now.

So many hilarious characters to play with! And I did not make up anything, its all in the books, just placed it around a little bit.

My real crime is against english language.

[Son of Jon Snarkgaryen]

Jon: Howland Reed, do you know who my mother is?

Howland Reed: No.

again? really??? why do you hate me? :tantrum: