Barbarian snark DOOMSDAY WARRIOR: American Glory!

[MinDonner]

"Bloody dickens, it is," the first chutist said, throwing his hat down in disgust on the ground. "All these camels are just a pack of drongo's, no hoper's matey."

All the camels run around braying and getting spiked by cacti, as the Aussies round them up and the Rock Squad pisses themselves laughing. Eventually, the camels are all tied up, and it's time for introductions.

"Allow me to make my formal greetings." He snapped rigidly to attention and saluted Rockson in the English style with the palm facing nearly upward. "Lieutenant Boyd from Down Under. Aussieland - Australia to you Yanks. We took quite a walkabout to get to this bloody bush, I'll tell you that, chum."

"Ted Rockson," Rock said, returning the salute. "And why, if I may be so bold, are you here?" He lifted an eyebrow.

I love that bit so much. It's like Stacy completely forgot which character he was writing dialogue for. Rock suddenly channeling his inner butler!

"You may be so bold, chum. We of the Free Fighting Aussie Forces have rid our homeland, every bloody billabong, of the Russian bludgers. And in the spirit of international freedom and remembering the ol' days when the US and Australia was close mates - we all volunteered to come over here and help you boys out." The Rock team seemed stunned by the news and stood there, mouths agape. Archer's face looked like a piece of raw pizza dough left hanging off the side of a table as his jaw fell lower and lower, so that his tongue hung out.

Welcome to America, lads! Now meet the yokels with their mouths hanging open. To top off this spectacle, Archer also gets bitten by a camel.

A bit more exposition from Boyd - apparently once they'd finished kicking out all the Reds or "poofs" as they called them (:lol:), they found a bunch of transport planes that had been left behind, so all volunteered to come and help liberate America as well. Obviously! Now, despite the fact that these Aussies have clearly been much more effective in Commie-fighting than themselves, the Rock Squad continue to view them with amused condescension, lol they're just like overgrown boy scouts with their silly ostrich feather hats! I wonder if they still have their mouths hanging open.

Rock apologises for not providing a parade to welcome them, but no worries! Boyd's men have just the thing.

"But we did bring our own refreshments for celebration - didn't we boys? Get the Foster." The Australians hooted and hollered at this command, and several of them rushed over to one of the camels which had already been loaded up with cases of supplies. They pulled open the top of one of the wooden boxes and grabbed can after can, throwing them down to the waiting men below. Boyd took several of the cans and offered them to Rockson and his men.

"Here you go, mates - all the official stuff done the Aussie way. Have a tinny - it's Foster's - gives us the nutrition, courage, and stupidity to fight. Ay, mates?"

The Rock Squad are horrified. ALCOHOL? While in the field? That's tantamount to suicide! But Detroit reminds Rock of the importance of humouring strange races' customs, so they all take a reluctant gulp of the amber nectar.

So now, says Boyd, what's the plan? Time for some Red-bashing? Rock, however, is unimpressed with what he's seen. This is a top priority mission and there's no time to teach newcomers tricks of the trade! We're off to storm a fortress and you guys are only armed with .45s!

"Not armed, are we?" Lieutenant Boyd said indignantly, his tanned ruddy face deepening to a flush. The Aussie reached over with his right hand and unzipped the carrying bag on his chest. He extracted a V-shaped object made of metal and held it up. "It was these blokes here what kicked the Russkie arse right outta Down Under."

Yes. It's a LASER BOOMERANG, which Boyd demonstrates by swiftly decapitating a nearby cactus. Rock, however, is still all pissy about how important his mission is and how he can't possibly invite these n00bs along, and refuses yet again.

"Ah, shove it, matey," Lieutenant Boyd said, crumpling up his can of Foster in one hand and throwing it to the ground in an angry gesture. "What the 'ell do we care that we've flown 18000 miles, nearly got shot out of the bloody sky a 'alf dozen times, and parachutes ourselves right into a sunbaked billabong where the bloody Yankee cacti are ripping our butts into pillow stuffing - and the n the bloody head Yank tells us we ain't wanted and can just head on home again - camels and all. This bloody country is not only not a nice place to live, it's not even a bloody nice place to visit!" With that, Lieutenant Boyd and his men retreated, holding their cans of beer high, and singing patriotic Australian songs of resistance on the far side of their angry howling camels.

[Horselover Fat]

The English language has officially been transcended by this magnificent sentance, we now must develop some kind of post-English.

[Lord O' Bones]

Each passage, more stupidly than the last.

It's like he grabbed an Australian slang pamphlet and was determined to use every word no matter how strained.

At least they weren't the Kentucky National Guard come to rid England of Dragons, amirite?

And Fosters? What? Australian for tourist. :lol:

[Ouroboros]

I'm half-way flattered, half-way insulted at this depiction.

Until he got to the Fosters, now I'm more insulted than anything else.

[Bearbert Dondarrion]

Are You sure This whole series is not a gigantic troll? Because some of in is really well... Stupid

[Lord O' Bones]

I'm half-way flattered, half-way insulted at this depiction.

Until he got to the Fosters, now I'm more insulted than anything else.

At least he respects the distinction of the Australian race.

Are You sure This whole series is not a gigantic troll? Because some of in is really well... Stupid

You're new here aren't you?

[Ouroboros]

At least he respects the distinction of the Australian race.

I'm just happy we're included at all. A shame it was 'this' book that decided to be Australian inclusive.

[MinDonner]

Are You sure This whole series is not a gigantic troll? Because some of in is really well... Stupid

I could almost wish it was. I mean especially given the way that the eeevil Commies are actually all slave-trading jewel-thieving free market capitalists, and the Free Cities follow proper Marxist principles of equality* and labour division, if it later turned out that this was all just sneaky socialist propaganda designed to bring about the Revolution by the back door, I would laugh my arse off. Probably literally.

Sadly, I suspect that this is not the case, and our intrepid authors are just utter dumbasses who like writing about disembowelment.

*not counting chicks, cos they so shrill and irrational

[Hereward]

Is there any indication that the English turn up at any point in the series? Because if they do, I'm going to have to read ahead right now.

[MinDonner]

Oh god I hope so. We've already had French, Germans, Russians, Aussies and those strange little technical guys from Silicon Valley (California isn't really Real America and now has its own species to prove it!), I'd be horribly disappointed to miss out on the hilarious national stereotyping.

[Lummel]

So bowler hat wearing cockneys cause commie defeat by refusing to compromise over tea breaks?

ETA Rule Britannia and pass the chocolate digestives cos tea's too wet without one.

[MinDonner]

I can't promise any such thing. But there are many more books in this series, and we all know that Ryder Stacy's imagination is a long way from boundless. It can only be a matter of time. Surely.

Perhaps we're even bad guys, along the lines of the French panther women? Terribly polite apologies as we boil up the Rock Squad in the tea urn? Perhaps attempting to reclaim the colonies in the name of Her Majesty (who is some kind of mutated termite queen or something)? Man, that'd be awesome.

[Verboten]

Well thank fuck Ryder doesn't know Canada exists is all I say. Yes, Lake Superior is entirely surrounded by Wisconsin and Murikans, this is the truth.

[Bearbert Dondarrion]

At least he respects the distinction of the Australian race.

You're new here aren't you?

I read all the threads but I think it's really hard to think someone would write this if he doesn't try to make it so stupid. I couldn't.

[Lummel]

I read all the threads but I think it's really hard to think someone would write this if he doesn't try to make it so stupid. I couldn't.

Indications seem to be that the authors took it seriously. :dunno:

But Great God have mercy on our sinful souls! Apparently the series might be a rip off!

[Galactus]

I'm fascinated by how many variations there are of "Fist clutching something" on the rock covers.

Fist clutching sword, fist clutching a statue of liberty souvenir, fist clutching flower, fist clutching airplane, fist clutching whip...

[Bearbert Dondarrion]

From Goodreads apparently the 12 and 14th books are the best. Not saying too much but maybe Stacy ran out of cliches.

[Antonius Pius]

But Great God have mercy on our sinful souls! Apparently the series might be a rip off!

Dear me, no!

From Goodreads apparently the 12 and 14th books are the best. Not saying too much but maybe Stacy ran out of cliches.

Unlikely. Stacy running out of cliches? I can't see that happening.

[MinDonner]

Clichés are the gift that keeps on giving. The supply is inexhaustible.

[MinDonner]

Speaking of, onwards to Chapter Nine! Despite being banished, the Aussie forces are still following the Rock Squad from a not-so-discreet distance, and Rock is pretending not to look at them (though keeps glancing backwards anyway). Looks like he's just being coy. Boyd needs to watch out if Rock ever tries that "big yawn and stretch which just happens to end up with one of his arms around your shoulders" manoeuvre.

Hilariously, Stacy presents information about this Aussies in the form of a maths puzzle. Apparently there are thirty of them and they have a combined age of nine hundred and thirty seven. Perhaps Rock's skills of measurement have gotten a little warped from all that telepathy.

Detroit is worried that the noisy swearing Aussies and their braying camels will attract enemy attention, but Rock assures him that eventually they'll just give up and go home, or get bored or something, even if it means keeping up the march for four hours! Strangely this plan does not work, and the Aussies are still following along when Ominous Clouds are sighted on the horizon.

Clouds that moved like a pit of snakes, changing color and shape all the time and dropping down toward the land below. ... Up close, the clouds were even more terrifying, like black holes, sucking everything into them in whirling tornado winds and then spitting it back out again. The northern sky seemed to fill with the dark ocean of descending death as the air around them took on a translucent greenish tinge. The atmosphere around Rockson's head suddenly crackled with static electricity and he felt a strange tingling sensation in the center of his stomach.

Yes, it's the much-vaunted ACID RAIN, and immediately it's time to "deploy magnasheets!" Having neglected to train the newer squad members in this rather vital activity, Rock now has to instruct them brusquely, no time for polite requests! Should have thought of that earlier, dumbass. Within 3 minutes, the magnasheets have all been strapped together to form some kind of metal tent. But oh noes, what about the Aussies?!?

"Get over here, you limey maniacs!" Rock yelled out, cupping his hands together and screaming at the top of his lungs.

Boyd takes some issue at being called a Limey, but Rock has no time to worry about getting his stereotypes correct, cos within five minutes the approaching cloud of pure death will be melting everyone to the bone.

"You may have your boomerangs and kangaroos and whatever the hell all God on a bad night might have created down there - but over here we got us a thousand ways of dying - and one of the worst of them is coming this way!"

Boyd has no choice but to agree that America does, in fact, have the most awesomest dangerousest things in.

"I must say that your whole bloody country is not receiving us in a very welcome manner. I daresay as ugly as our platypuses and 'roons and whatall are - you won't find them trying to bite you and claw you the moment you set foot on Down Under."

I guess all the dropbears got wiped out by the nukes. :crying:

They try to squeeze all the men and ponies and camels into the tent just as the Clouds of Death pass overhead. Rock is worried that the camels will panic and knock the tent over, but Boyd flips his long blond hair and assures him that all will be well. And, indeed, the Aussies manage to tie their camels down, sport, with much colourful Aussie swearing and reference to "bloody bludgers" and whatnot.

Sadly, eight of the camels don't make it inside, so Stacy gets a chance to describe the Acid Rain in exuberant (and oddly anthropomorphic) detail.

The drops of bubbling black rain ate away at whatever they landed on, sending up a mist of burning skin, blood, leaf, cactus. Whatever it was that it destroyed was of no concern to the Acid Rain. It had no conscience, no consciousness - just chemicals. Chemicals sucked up from the radioactive strontium clouds, from the poisoned rivers and seas - which it deposited with a vengeance back on the planet that had created them. But those whom it dissolved with unrelenting tongues of liquid fire did have consciousnesses. Camels could feel pain as surely as any creature that has ever lived. And they died screaming.

Everyone in the tent is scared and near panic, except of course Rock, Detroit and Chen, who so badass. Luckily, the Aussies soon remember that they have beer, so they break out the tinnies and then castigate Rock for being so uptight (Rock grits his teeth).

Eventually the rain stops, and all the cactus forest has been dissolved, and all that's left of the camels is smoking bones. The Aussies plan to make their departure, but this time Rock says they can come with him, as he'd feel too guilty if they all got killed. Awww.

MEANWHILE (yawn) Zhabnov is cutting roses in the White House garden when he gets a telegram announcing the capture of Langford and Kim. Yes, a telegram. Zhabnov orders that they be brought to Washington DC (also by telegram? history is silent on this matter) then goes off to fuck some Siamese Twin virgins that he happens to have handy.