Barbarian snark DOOMSDAY WARRIOR: American Glory!

[MinDonner]

Possibly no-one? The tusks are uncouth, remember? That may be a polite euphemism for "gnarly and plaque-covered".

[Antonius Pius]

Lin Carter is turning in his grave. Snake-tongues can't lick anything off, that includes lid-dip. Next you'll suggest they're clammy reptiles with bad breath.

I always though uncouth refers to manners.

[Maithanet]

I would like to point out this passage again, as it is breathtaking.

His barbarian blood literally froze in his veins, as the unknown guardian of the hall slid into the light and was revealed in all her repellent, loathly form.

Imagine to yourself a pallid snake as long as a man, upon whose questing and fluid neck grew, not the blunt head of a serpent, but the dead-white head of a woman. Green eyes flamed in a mask-like face whose perfect feminine features clashed hideously with her snake form. Bald, her round skull gleamed naked in the dull light; scarlet lips smiled, revealing uncouth tusks.

Did he LITERALLY fall over dead at that very moment, since his heart has surely stopped?

Is loathly a word? I have never come across it. Neither has spellcheck.

A snake as long as a man?! These are pretty middling snakes. A king cobra, for comparison, is more than three times as long as a man. A corn snake grows to 5-6 feet long, and it typically weighs less than a pound. Perhaps that explains why they were only able to bite his ankles, since a human head weighs 8 pounds. I'm amazed they can move at all.

[Vampire Squid]

Is loathly a word? I have never come across it. Neither has spellcheck.

It is, albeit archaic - folk tales and ballads and things are always going on about loathly worms that are probably dragons. Which means it's actually somewhat appropriate here, though I doubt Thongor will be kissing any of these to revert them to human form.

Personally, my mind rebels at the word "slorg" - I don't know why. It sounds like something from Ghostbusters.

[MinDonner]

Chapter 7: In the Arena of Death

The Arena of Death, eh? Looks like Thongor's captors will be attempting the time-honoured execution method of making our hero battle to the death, in a not-at-all contrived scenario that provides him with weaponry AND a fighty action escape scene AND the approval of the crowd at the same time (unless, of course, they are languid bonbon-munching commies, in which case he will just have some extra grunts to slaughter). If only the Romans had known what kind of lazy derivative pulp shite they would inspire, maybe history would have been different.

Anyway, yeah, Thongor wakes up in yet another dungeon, the familiarity of which causes even he to roll his eyes wryly. He is neither chained up nor particularly badly injured, but his "why didn't the pathetic snake women kill me?" musings are rudely interrupted by some guards, who drag him off to... meet some nobles?

Yes, apparently in Tsargol, when you capture a barbarian thief, it's perfectly normal to bring him to the throne room, where languid bonbon-munching non-commies can get all pissy about how he doesn't bow, and flap their puffy jewelled hands at him while stroking their perfumed beards.

The Sark, Drugunda Thal, and his arch-druid Yelim Pelorvis, are keen to find out how Thongor managed to nick the starstone, and where it is now, though Drugunda is also quietly appreciative of Thongor's mighty chest and shoulders and would love to see him fight, for totally non-homoerotic reasons I'm sure. At this, Thongor's mind starts working rapidly behind his emotionless face. Fighting in the arena sounds way better than being tortured!

Therefore, he sprang, taking the spearmen off guard. From complete immobility he flashed into action. Whirling on his heel, he leaped at the first spearman, felling him with a straight-armed blow to the jaw and wrenching the long spear from his slack hands. Whirling again, he charged at the dais.

And this, ladies and gents, is why one does not invite barbarian thieves into one's throne room.

Thongor continues whirling and leaping and flashing for another page, much in the manner of a beautiful ballerina; I suspect in his eagerness to make the battle exciting, Lin has forgotten that we're actually dealing with a muscled hulk here and not a nimble pirouetter. One guard loses his guts, another has his spine cracked, and one poor fellow has his head "nearly severed from his trunk", which firstly ain't bad for a spear injury, but also makes me wonder what the hell part of the body Lin thinks a "trunk" is? Or maybe these were some kind of elephant-men and he just forgot to tell us?

His cunning plan cumulates by literally adding insult to injury:

"I'll wager yon flap-jawed milksop of a Sark never saw a man fight before, from the way he squeals like a maiden at the sight!" he roared. "Put me in your arena with a good sword in my hand, you gutless virgin-hearted snake, and I'll show you fighting that would curdle the slimy blood of Slidith himself!"

The Sark is so enraged by this that he slaps Thongor in the face and immediately agrees to his request. Yelim Pelorvis feebly tries to insist on some torture, but some more insults from Thongor make sure that the Sark takes his side, and to the arena he is condemned. Thongor is so amused by the success of his plan, that Lin thinks it fit to start TWO paragraphs on the same page with "He was still chuckling about that...", as the guards escort him down to the gladiator pits.

More later.

[Erik of Hazelfield]

At least you've got to give Thongor that he actually had a plan, albeit quite an improbable one, and executed it with no more than a touch of help from the author. I mean, you can sense some sort of rudimentary story-telling going on here - most things (not all, mind you) make some kind of sense somewhere. Ted Rockson, on the other hand, never seemed to have a proper plan and was haplessly thrown around and we'd never believe he's actually in charge unless the narrative told us so.

By the way, I think we should invent a new game of Rock - Thongor - Women. Thongor beats Rock for being a better book series. Women beats Thongor (at least if they have snake bodies). Rock beats women (literally true? No, that's John Ringo, right?). I need to work on this.

[MinDonner]

Indeed! Lin Carter may now be a byword for ridiculousness, but at least he has a rudimentary grasp of how to structure a story (let's just not mention Lankar of Callisto, what say?) and his nonsense does make a relative amount of sense. But then, relative to Ryder Stacy, it would take something truly craptacular to come off looking worse.

ANYWAYS. Thongor in gladiator dungeons, still laughing his arse off, and blagging a good meal of bouphar-beef out of the dim-witted jailor - he's quite enjoying himself. Food, wine and battle? Brilliant! Eventually some guards turn up, but they are dropping off, not picking up, and now T has a new cellmate, in the form of the young guard-captain who made the mistake of letting this captive barbarian run riot in the throne room.

Which seems... not entirely unreasonable? I'm having trouble, actually, seeing these lords of Tsargol as particularly evil. Yeah, Thongor's imprisoned and sentenced to gladiatorial death, but he DID break into their sacred temple and nick their ancient relic, so the punishment is par for the course. And young guard captain endangered the entire ruling body of the... city-state? - by failing to guard his prisoner properly, so again, meh on the eeevil sentencing. From what I can gather, the main offence of these Tsargol nobles is that they are kinda effeminate and let a sorceror have too much influence over the Sark. Oh, and the torture thing, but Thongor admits himself that the Sark of Thurdis does the same (and hey, we even met the guy responsible!) and that didn't stop our hero from taking his coin for a while. :dunno:

Young guard captain is sanguine, in any case, cos he knew his family was out of favour and the Sark would have found some excuse to lock him up sooner or later. Oh, here we go, apparently the Sark is part of a blood-drinking Slidith cult. Evilness achieved! Young fella is the last member of his (non-Slidith-worshipping) household, but whatever, if he has to die he'd rather it be while FIGHTIN!

Thongor likes the cut of this young man's jib, so they exchange names... and yes, this turns out to be our good buddy Karm Karvus!

SIDEKICK ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

...we also find out the name of Thongor's father, which is (wait for it) Thumithar of Valkarth :rofl:

Introductions over with, it's time to get on with some shit. A guard turns up and gives them back their swords, cos battle is nigh.

"The Sark says you will fight better with your own blade in your hand," the guard sniggered, "I say you could be armed with thunderbolts, for all the good it will do you when the Gate of Death lifts."

Beside him, Thongor heard Karm Karvus draw in his breath sharply.

"The Gate of Death? The Sark will pit us against-?"

"Yes!" the Otar sneered. "You will face the Terror of the Arena, Karm Karvus!"

Oh noes! Not-!? But how could we-? After all this-?! Unless...?!

KK proudly taunts Tole Phomor (for that is the guard's name) for being a commoner, then they are thrust out onto the baking sands.

Thongor spread his legs and stood waiting.

:leer:

The Gate of Death is, of course, carved in the form of a skull. Oh, god, this section is magnificent.

Gloatingly, the Sark ran his eyes over the magnificent body of the Valkarthan, eyeing the smooth, tanned flesh that would so soon be torn to ribbons, dripping hot blood into the white arena sands.

Yelim Pelorvis has one last go at persuading the Sark to torture Thongor in the hope of actually finding out where the Starstone is, but Drugunda Thal is like nah, it's prolly somewhere in the tower and we haven't found it yet, so stfu cuz I R Sark yo? Yelim Pelorvis's eyes burn with a cold venemous fire as Drugunda shrills out "Release the Terror!"

Let's see what this Terror might be. Editorial comments in red, cos this description is a doozy.

With a blood-freezing scream (literally?), a crimson thunderbolt launched itself across the arena straight at them. It was all snarling jaws and glittering fangs. Eyes the colour of yellow sulphur (er, would that be yellow?) blazed with blood-lust. A wicked barbed tail lashed the sands as it charged with incredible speed.

Thongor froze (literally?), every sense alert. It was a zemadar, the most dreaded monster of all Lemuria. (Wait, what? What about the dwarks (#1) and the lizard-hawks(#2)? OTOH, Lin says "most dreaded" rather than "most deadly" - maybe this is just a different Top Trumps stat that allows the zemadar to win this category.) The ferocious zemadar was the most deadly killer of the jungles (oh. Maybe not then. Lin just forgot about all his other Most Deadly monsters.), possessed of an insane ferocity that often made it charge in the face of certain death, capable of outracing even a speed-bred zamph in the fury of its hurtling charge (hey, he got hurtling right this time!).

But it was more dangerous still because of its triple row of foot-long fangs, each tusk razor-keen and bearing a poisoned saliva that instantly paralyzed its foe. Like a crimson juggernaut (yes, good metaphor for a pre-technology barbarian) it hurled across the sands at them (aaand back to fucking up hurling vs hurtling again).

Now. From this "description", can any of you tell me what the fuck a zamadar actually looks like? Is it a kind of lizard? Or a giant spider? Or a jungle-lion? No fucking clue. It's red, it's fast, it has big teeth. That is all we're getting. Oh, and leathery hide which is impervious to both Thongor and KK's swords.

So, they hack ineffectively at this indescribable thing for a while, to no avail...

Then Thongor did a thing so foolhardy - or so brave, depending on your outlook - that it brought the entire throng to its feet with a gasp.

Not that exciting. He jumps on the zamadar's back so he can get at its eyes, which apparently he knows are its only vulnerable part. Yelim Pelorvis smiles a thin-lipped smile.

Two pages later and the zamadar is stabbed to death via the eyes, and the crowd goes wild! To top off his performance, Thongor throws his sword and it kills Drugunda Thal to death. Luckily he falls out of his royal box into the sand, so our guy can get his sword back, though his crown comes off before he falls and Yelim Pelorvis instantly puts it on.

Crowd shrieks! Guards leap! Priests... sing solemn psalms! But before Hero and Sidekick can start any more swordfightin, a shadow appears overhead - it's the floater! Thongor throws KK over his shoulders and climbs up the rope, and they escape to freedom!

[Antonius Pius]

I'm sure Thumithar would have been proud of junior's dashing display.

Thongor throws KK over his shoulders and climbs up the rope, and they escape to freedom!

Wait, you mean KK gets injured by the zemadar? Dear god, will he make it?

[MinDonner]

Nono, KK remains uninjured (as far as I can recall) - maybe Thongor just had an inkling of how bad the guy was at climbing up stuff.

[Lord O' Bones]

Girly men, like girls, need to be carried to freedom.

[MinDonner]

I think you'll find, my dear, that girly men actually need to be stabbed through the heart with swords. Jewellery and perfume? Pah! That's a stabbable offence right there.

[Antonius Pius]

Nono, KK remains uninjured (as far as I can recall) - maybe Thongor just had an inkling of how bad the guy was at climbing up stuff.

Since this aligns with Thongor's overall awesomeness, I prefer that line of thought.

[Maithanet]

Climbing a rope with a man across your shoulders sounds really hard. It couldn't be a fireman's carry - that would only be over one shoulder. If he's over both shoulders, is he like Thongor's very own KK pelt? I don't know how you could bring your arms together to climb the rope without him falling off again.

[Jon AS]

Piece of cake. Hook one arm around a leg, the other one around one of his arms. I'm pretty sure that's a basic excercise in Barbarian Hero Training Camp.

[Maithanet]

Piece of cake. Hook one arm around a leg, the other one around one of his arms. I'm pretty sure that's a basic excercise in Barbarian Hero Training Camp.

I thought that only worked with fair maidens? Although given the level of homoeroticism in this book, maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

I just have trouble picturing carrying an uninjured man up a rope, it seems like he would move about, thus making climbing impossible, like a drowning man thrashing around.

[Antonius Pius]

I thought that only worked with fair maidens? Although given the level of homoeroticism in this book, maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

I just have trouble picturing carrying an uninjured man up a rope, it seems like he would move about, thus making climbing impossible, like a drowning man thrashing around.

You mentioned homoeroticism. I'm having trouble coming with another reason for wanting to climb a rope while carrying another man for no apparent reason. Showing of his awesomeness perhaps. Or Thongor just wanted to feel another mans sweaty* thews up close and personal.

* I'm also assuming Kaeto Kaelin actually did some fighting against the zemadar and didn't play the part of a damsel in distress.

[Vampire Squid]

"I'll wager yon flap-jawed milksop of a Sark never saw a man fight before, from the way he squeals like a maiden at the sight!" he roared.

I think we know who'll be playing him in the movie.

* I'm also assuming Kaeto Kaelin actually did some fighting against the zemadar and didn't play the part of a damsel in distress.

Apparently both their swords couldn't pierce the zemadar's hide, so I'm guessing KK tripped over his own scabbard, flung his sword into the air, and then nearly got stabbed through the face as it bounced off the beast.

[MinDonner]

Funnily enough, KK does throw his sword in the air at one point, but only as a bit of bravado after the zemadar is dead. The only wounds sustained by either hero are possibly some bruises (extrapolated from them being knocked aside by the creature's charges) and Thongor gets a bit of a scrape from the monster rubbing him against the arena wall. Most deadly creature, my arse.

Chapter 8: The Green Ghosts

As the floater lifts our guys to safety, Karm Karvus ignores the fact that he's just been tossed over Thongor's shoulders and is now being hauled up a rope, and instead politely inquires as to what sort of sorcerous vessel has come to their aid. Below them, even though mere seconds have passed since the Sark's death, the gutters are already running red with blood as townspeople and druids inexplicably and immediately start slaughtering each other. KK is not the slightest bit interested in what's happening in his city, and they both somehow climb up the rope to meet Sharajsha.

S is disappointed that Thongor thought he had abandoned him, but Thongor is like duh, you flew off and left me with the serpent-women! Anyway, this is my mate KK, and where's the food?

KK is quickly filled in with the details of the quest, and gladly agrees to join in as he has nothing better to do. Next stop, Patanga, where the Eternal Fires burn, so that S can forge his bits of Star Stone into a magic sword. He has a cunning plan to sneak in under cover of darkness, so cunning in fact that it requires Karm Karvus to pilot the floater, so it's just as damn well that Thongor accidentally picked up a sidekick on the way. Seriously, this wizard has been planning this sword-making scheme for years, and yet all the crucial elements of the plan have relied on random encounters with a) the floater, b ) Thongor and c) KK? The dude's just making it up as he goes along!

Anyway, Wizard and Barbarian are dropped off on the roof of the Fire Temple, while Sidekick takes the floater up into the clouds to hide until needed.

They went down the well of complete darkness as silently as possible.

^This sentence is immediately followed by Thongor asking "How do you know of this way?" and Sharajsha providing a lengthy infodump about Zaffar the Wizard, and the fact that the Eternal Fires are probably some kind of natural phenomenon even though the Yellow Druids think it's all mystical, the dumbasses. Obviously, only a limited amount of silence is possible in the face of such valuable backstory. Also, O wise wizard, if the Eternal Fires are just natural gas, then why the hell can't you do your sword-forging somewhere a little less heavily-guarded, eh?

Still no guards, all the way to the chamber where the green fire is flickering, so S goes ahead and starts smithing, while T guards the door. Of course, soon enough, someone approaches. Is it the green ghosts? Not yet; it's a fat druid and some guards, so it's time for that Valkarthan broadsword to get a-swingin. But, Thongor's off his form right now and only manages to kill three guards, before getting his sword stuck in the third one, and then he's disarmed and has to punch more guards with his fists. Within half a paragraph, he's pinned between some guards, and the priest approaches in (fairly understandable!) fury. But, he's fat and probably evil so we can still pretend that Thongor is the good guy despite breaking in and killing a bunch of people.

"Blasphemer! Desecrater!" he hissed, baring his greasy teeth. "You dare spatter the sacred crypts with human blood!"

Thongor laughed and spat directly into the Druid's face.

The priest went scarlet to the lips, blazing with fury. He seized up a sword and brought it up in a hissing arc toward the Valkarthan's naked chest-

His hand faltered - stopped. The blade rang on the stone floor. The face that had flushed scarlet with fury now paled with sick terror. The Druid's eyeballs crawled to the left, staring at something beyond Thongor.

NOW it's the green ghosts! They are more of the Return of the King-style zombie-ghosts, with transparent half-rotted flesh and skeletal hands and whatnot. The priest flaps his puffy hand and his fat face quivers, further confirming his evilness, then he and the guards run away, leaving Thongor to face the phantoms alone!

Surprise! Ghosts turn out to be illusions created by Sharajsha, who has finished making the sword, so it's time to escape. One more stop left, and that's the Mountain of Thunder where they have to charge up the sword with the power of lightning. But just as they reach the hidden door to gtfo...

...the vengeance of Yamath struck. The Wizard gasped, clutched at his throat and fell, sprawling on the cold stone.

Sharajsha struggled to speak. "Vapor... drugged... do not breathe..."

Thongor tries not to breathe! But fails. And immediately joins Sharajsha unconscious on the floor.

That's... three and a half times now? Not blunt force trauma, but he's knocked out nonetheless.

[Lummel]

...Seriously, this wizard has been planning this sword-making scheme for years, and yet all the crucial elements of the plan have relied on random encounters with a) the floater, b ) Thongor and c) KK? The dude's just making it up as he goes along!...

ah! True to the greatest traditions of literature! **wipes tear from eye**

[MinDonner]

Chapter 9: On the Altars of the Fire-God

The naked virgins on thine altars plead

As scarlet flame on pallid flesh doth feed!

Lord of the Fire, drink down young lives like wine

Hearts, limbs and breasts - their very souls - are thine!*

Naked virgins, eh? Looks like it's time to introduce an actual female character! We all know who that's gonna be, and checking back, it seems she's actually the only woman (serpent-women aside) who's even been mentioned. No backstory-mothers, no priestesses, no queens, no tavern wenches, nada. Lemuria is a continent for MEN. Oh, and one hot rich princess chick for our hero to end up with.

Sumia had known fear, but never before had she known despair. Was it days - or weeks - since they had come to drag her off to these dungeons in which she had been chained ever since? She did not know.

What she DOES know, however, is that Vaspas Ptol has been waiting for the Festival of Year's End when he will sacrifice her, and that this festival is tonight. Surely, from this information, she can deduce the amount of time she's been imprisoned?

Bit of backstory here. Vaspas Ptol is the chief Yellow Druid, and he started proposing to her as soon as her dad (the Sark of Patanga) died a few months ago. Of course she refused, he kept asking, and eventually "the rise of his power" made him feel secure enough to try a bit of rape. She fought him off with a knife, and was immediately arrested and thrown in the dungeon to be imminently sacrificed.

Some questions arise from this. Chiefly, what kind of lame-duck queen was Sumia anyway, if during her short reign, she allowed fire-sacrifice cult to grow to such prominence that it could arrest the actual queen with impunity? And in which case, why the hell does Vaspas even need to marry her, as it's not like he needs a legitimate claim to take the throne? And if he just wants to fuck her, and has resorted to almost-rape in the past, then why not just do that rather than go through this whole sacrifice-blackmail malarkey?

Furthermore, the description of this Fire-Temple and the various rituals, make it sound rather like they are somewhat older than just a few months, and these Year-End Festival sacrifices appear to be a regular event, clearly permitted under the regime of Sumia's dad and not something she troubled to stamp out herself. Not so much fun when you're the one being sacrificed, is it, your highness!

Anyway, Thongor and Sharajsha are soon chained up in the same cell, and we get the first look at The Only Woman In Lemuria.

She appeared to be about eighteen, with hair of glossy blackness, which poured in thick waves of curls down her slim back. Her skin was of an almost marble whiteness, tinged with creamy colour. Had she not moved, Thongor would have thought her a statue, for her limbs and features were so flawless they seemed to have been chiseled from pure marble. Her face was a slender oval under the glossy mass of curling black hair. Beneath thin, curving black brows, her eyes were dark wells of light.

Dark wells of light? The hell?

Brief introductions between Hero and Heroine, then she proudly shuts up and he starts grumbling about how he hasn't had his dinner yet. He can't break his manacles, and Sharajsha can't do magic without touching his hands together. Impasse.

Eventually it's Sacrifice Time. They are taken before the big bronze Yamath statue, where three bronze altars are being heated up for some prisoner-roasting. Wow, good job the druids were lucky enough to catch two temple-robbers at the last minute, else they'd have been short on offerings! Maybe the city had run out of virgins.

Vaspas Ptol was gorgeous in jewelled robes of yellow velvet, but the beauty of his apparel could not hide the vulture-like greed of his cold eyes, his hooked beak of a nose, nor the cruel twist of his lipless mouth.

"Here you make your choice, fair Sumia," the Yellow Druid rasped coldly. "Either accept my embrace and reign beside me on the throne of Patanga... or go into the fiery embrace of Yamath, from whence there is no return. Choose well!"

Sumia laughs and insults him, so fiery embrace it is. The altars are still not quite hot enough, so our three are chained to poles on the podium while the furnaces are stoked some more. S still can't get to his sigils, but now Thongor has a chance to snap his iron chains!

The great muscles of his broad shoulders were leaping and writhing like bronze serpents as he applied the terrific leverage of his arms against the unyielding iron pole.

He had built the strength of those shoulders with long years of exercise... swinging and hewing through a dozen wars, hefting the mighty broadsword of his homeland. Now he needed every atom of iron strength those muscles contained!

Two further sights spur him on - Sharajsha spots his beloved broadsword about to get thrown into the fire, and also some priests turn up to start pulling Sumia's clothes off. In fact, they get as far as letting one boob pearly-white breast pop out, then twanggg!

The strained and weakened link had at last yielded to Thongor's barbarian thews!

No time to waste. One druid is chucked onto the altar for a sizzling death, the others are pushed off the podium to crunch on the stone floor. Sumia rescued and then Sharajsha, then Thongor has his sword back and is able to start chopping priests into pieces. Pandemonium raged! Surprisingly, Lin tells us that after killing four guards, Thongor's sword breaks and he throws the hilt at another guard before swinging with his fists, which seems a rather cavalier attitude to a prized possession that just seconds earlier had him so possessive that he snapped iron chains to retrieve it. But, our friend Continuity kindly turns its back at this disaster, and now our hero grabs his sword AGAIN (along with the new magic sword), at which point KK crashes through the window with the floater, and then Thongor goes to retrieve the magic sword AGAIN.

Well, that was a surreal page. It's possible that the pandemonium of battle has confused either Lin or me, but either way, it sure looks like that's what happened. Anyway, they're all aboard the floater now, priests are fleeing in panic, so it's off to the Mountain of Thunder!

*Every chapter has started with a similar doggerel verse

But I think this one could well be so far the very worst