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Stannis humor


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From ADWD, Jon talking to Stannis:

"No, Sire. I agree these castles must be garrisoned-"

"The boy commander agrees. How fortunate."

and later...

"The you mean to go ahead with this attack?"

"Despite the counsel of the great Lord Snow? Aye."

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  • 2 weeks later...
Try saying this one in a Groucho Marx voice while rolling your eyes and twiddling an imaginary cigar: "In your bed, she's like to stay that way." Works, doesn't it? I'd have warmed up to Stannis more by now if not for the whole murdering-his-brother thing. But it seems to know he's doomed/cursed for kinslaying, but he's pushing ahead anyway. A fascinating character that at first seemed kinda boring.
Stannis is my favorite of the Baratheon brothers. Renly's soft and Roberts a spoilt irresponsible drunkard. Stannis is a hardcore badass!
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I am like everyone else, and never really cared for the guy untill the second time through. But now it's like I never bent the knee for the young wolf. I am just so afraid for him in TWoW, he has survived improbably for 4 books now and his position is more tenous then ever.

He's at the point where so much crap has been thrown his way, he's probably going to end up King.

Also lets not forget Stannis' favorite drink: water with a pinch of salt.

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I don't think there's much mystery to Stannis. I'm pretty sure that everything that Stannis says also pretty much exactly what he's thinking.

....

Or is it?

Stannis

Stannis ground his teeth. 'It is not my wish to tamper with your rights and traditions. As to royal guidance, Janos, if you mean that I ought to tell your brothers to choose you, have the courage to say so.'

That took Lord Janos aback. He smiled uncertainly and began to sweat, but Bowen Marsh beside him said, 'Who better to command the black cloaks than a man who once commanded the gold, sire?'

Stannis tried to concentrate on the question. Yes, the Night's Watch needed a Lord Commander, and the choice could decide the fate of the Wall. And yet, all Stannis could focus on were the smells coming from the kitchen, wonderful beyond words. The food was scarce here, with little more to dine on then salted beef and scrawny vegetables. Yet somehow, the skillful hands of Castle Black's cook made it taste like a royal feast.

The cook. That wonderful cook. Here at the end of the world everything was cold, barren, and lifeless, except for the meal hall. Here, the brothers gathered to shake the snow off their cloaks and indulge in the one pleasure afforded to them at this unforgiving place. In his own way, the cook was every bit as skilled as the most learned maester or talented swordsman. But the cook had no fancy weapons of Valyrian steel or rings around his neck, he had only his pots and his spoons. And yet, he held perhaps the most important position in the entire Night's Watch. How could the black brothers defend the Wall without food in their bellies? This simple cook kept the entire operation running, as his predecessors had for thousands of years. It occurred to Stannis that the role the cook played at Castle Black was much like the role the Night's Watch played in Westeros: humble, often ignored by the rest of the realm, but doing the most important job of all and never even asking for thanks.

And then the thought struck him. It was so simple- the cook could be the new Lord Commander! For a man who could turn simple ingredients into such an ingenious blend of flavors and textures, surely it would be simple to turn a bunch of convicts, bastards, and rejected nobles into an elite fighting force. What better man to hold back the terrors of the frozen north than the man who held back hunger at the Wall for years?

He was sure of it now- the cook was not just the best man for the job, he was the only man for the job. The black brothers stared at him, waiting for his answer. He couldn't simply tell them to choose the cook as Lord Commander. No, coming on too strong would never do- the Night's Watch was proud of its tradition, and would not simply accept the command of an outsider. He needed to push the cook into the command without it looking obvious- he needed to use a light touch.

"Any of them, I would think. Even the cook"

Take the hint, prayed Stannis, clenching his jaw. Take the hint you fools, or we are surely lost.

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i've never been a Jon Snow fan. not at all. but this two are the funniest couple on ASOIAF since Tyrion and Bronn. They're lovely. There's a passage when Stannis asks Jon if he has to make him swear something (don't remember the detail now) in front of a tree. And Jon don't know if he's serious or is a jape, because 'with Stannis, it's impossible to say'. I love the guy. I will cry my heart out when he'll die. :(

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“Joffrey shall die,” Queen Selyse declared, serene in her confidence.

“It may be that he is dead already,” Ser Axell added.

Stannis looked at them with annoyance. “Are you trained crows, to croak at me in turns? Enough.”

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I am like everyone else, and never really cared for the guy untill the second time through. But now it's like I never bent the knee for the young wolf. I am just so afraid for him in TWoW, he has survived improbably for 4 books now and his position is more tenous then ever.

Samsies, upon a second read I've been pulling for Stannis more than any Stark (save Arya).

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Even better actually. Incitatus (the horse) was made a consul (which is Hand of the king) so...LOL!!

But in real life the action wasn't necessarily an insane one. Caligular was dropping the pretence of the republic Augustus had set up (very crudely) and sending a message to the senators along the lines of, you think of yourselves so important well I can make my horse Consul (chief senator) and the empire would still carry on. You don't have any power!

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Today I was having lunch on a cafeteria while re-reading ASOS, and I come across Stannis' line to Selyse, after she starts fervently praising R'hllor:

"Quiet now, woman! You're not in a nightfire!"

I swear I really had to bite my lips not to start laughing out loud :P

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Cressen: "Let her fool accompany her, then she'll have a familiar face around her."

Stannis: "Familiar and repulsive."

Davos: "Give me knights as heralds...-"

Stannis: "I could give you those men, yes, I have at least a hundred knights who prefer reading to fighting."

Aside from being funny, Stannis is also such a good guy on the inside. That story of how he found the wounded hawk Proudwick and took care of it until it was cured just melts my hart every time I read it ^^

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....

Or is it?

Haha, this cracks me up! Would be a perfect read to have his point of view showing his motivations to be totally different than what he comes off as to others, sort of like Captain Kennit in Ship of Magic being constantly misunderstood.

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....

Or is it?

:lol: :rofl: :lmao:

OMGosh! That is HILARIOUS! I would love to see some Stannis POVs. It would be great to see what exactly is running through his mind. It would be even better to find out that his mind did in fact work that way, and that he's been horribly mis-understood this whole time! Could you imagine all the awesome and hilarious internal dialogue we would get from him during these situations?

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  • 4 weeks later...

Great thread :lol:

Another gem:

Davos: I do not know this Lord of Light, but I knew the gods we burned this morning. The Smith has kept my ships safe, while the Mother has given me seven strong sons.

Stannis: Your wife has given you seven strong sons. Do you pray to her? It was wood we burned this morning.

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