Jackanapes at the Wall: A Retrospective

[LordBloodraven]

he's useful, for some things. Unlike the others I listed, he could never be Lord Commander.

Why? He nearly became LC. He's illiterate but he gets along well with his Maester.

Could he? Ulmer never shows any impressive intelligent or insight (though that still makes him better than Marsh), and Marsh is the chief steward, in charge of things like the food supply. At the very least you're going to need someone literate, a quality in short supply.

I think he's one of the most able men left at the Wall after Jon sent all those people to garrison the castles. He must have a certain experience since he has been at the Wall for 20 years and is one of the best archers of Castle Black. I'm sure he could give valuable insight to Jon on how to deal with the Wildlings and who to pick to garrison this castle. Not much about politics. He doesn't show insight since he's pretty underdevelopped. But yeah, the books are the way they are.

[Naathi Prince]

Why? He nearly became LC. He's illiterate but he gets along well with his Maester.

I think he's one of the most able men left at the Wall after Jon sent all those people to garrison the castles. He must have a certain experience since he has been at the Wall for 20 years and is one of the best archers of Castle Black. I'm sure he could give valuable insight to Jon on how to deal with the Wildlings and who to pick to garrison this castle. Not much about politics. He doesn't show insight since he's pretty underdevelopped. But yeah, the books are the way they are.

Because he controlled most of the voters went to him. Pyke never had a chance to become LC. He only had a chance to keep Mallister out.

[LordBloodraven]

Because he controlled most of the voters went to him. Pyke never had a chance to become LC. He only had a chance to keep Mallister out.

And Mallister only had a chance to keep Pyke out?

[Julian Rayne]

Septon "the drunken Teletubby" Cellador: Cellador isn't quite as obnoxious as some of the other men, but he's outstanding at being useless. Frequently hungover, drunk, or about to get drunk, his token "advice" is "I think you're making a huge mistake so I'll pray to the Seven to show you the error of your ways." I also find his contempt for Satin-- the "painted catamite"-- quite distasteful.

Let's not forget: "He didn't say his vows the proper way."

[Ser Oberyn Darcia]

Ulmer never struck me as the type of person to open his mouth without warrant.

I'm sure if Jon Snow had asked Ulmer for his counsel, he would have gladly consented and given input.

Otherwise, he just keeps to himself and does whatever he's told to do, reminiscing of the days when he ran around with the likes of Simon Toyne, The Smiling Knight & Wenda The White Fawn.

[Naathi Prince]

And Mallister only had a chance to keep Pyke out?

Mallister would have won if not for Pyke.

[Brony Stark]

Well there was that stupid guard that tried to rape Val and got a knife in his throat...

And Ser Patrick tried to take on a giant

And Wick and Bowen stabbed Jon when surrounded by Wildlings loyal to Jon. That won't work well.

There really isn't much brain power left at the wall, is there.

[pat]

I'm not questioning Cotter Pyke's entertainment value or even his awesome factor, merely his leadership quotient.

Whoa now. cotter pyke is the only Viking at the wall. And how bad must this guy be to be sent to the wall as an Ironborn. I expect great things from him.

He already leads Eastwatch

[Field of Asphodel]

I left out Cotter Pyke because I think he's actually competent, respects Jon's authority, and not an idiot (I was really only trying to highlight the morons who make Jon's life impossible). Also in his favor, Pyke wrote some very strongly worded letters to Jon detailing precisely what he thought of Selyse and her retinue. The only crime here is the fact that Martin chose not to show us what was actually said, as I get the sense they were absolutely hilarious.

Your retrospective was a joy to read.

I completely agree with you here - it kinda sounded like most of Pyke's correspondence with Jon was hilariously catty bits gossip, the fact that he's Ironborn only ramps up the comedy factor. I love the fact that he had to convey most of this stuff via a maester - I can only imagine what he was thinking when he was putting down Pyke's words for Jon. I also love that Pyke's signature was described as an "angry mark." Somehow that made me love Pyke even more.

[Jolene Brown]

sigh... poor Cotter... I think he's dead already and we just don't know it yet. I hate how the Night's Watch is always sending men out to die on obviously doomed missions.

[Dr. Pepper]

Bowen "I haven't a reasonable bone in my body" Marsh: ...and further, Jon does everything he can to explain his rationale short of holding "Adjustment to Wildlings Re-education camps" and handing out "Coping with Change" instructional pamphlets...

One wonders if it would have beneficial for Jon to have had the equivalent of a powerpoint presentation. He could have tossed the bodies in the ice cells on the other side of the wall and then held a lecture on what happens to dead people north of the wall. Then he could have had a team-building clinic where each person is required to introduce themselves and learn one thing of the person sitting next to them. Another 'slide' could be an outline of the things that led various people to the watch, culminating in a "melting pot" speech about how everyone's background and experiences add to the rich diversity the watch enjoys. He could end it all by having everyone join in a sing-along of the equivalent of "Imagine".

Selyse "I'm an even less charming version of Aerys" Baratheon: ...As though this isn't enough to induce dyspepsia, she takes it upon herself to crown a new King Beyond the Wall, one Raymun Redbeard, based on the fact that one of his ancestors had been a king back in the day...

I think it's Gerrick Kingsblood, a descendant of Raymun Redbeard, that Selyse crowned. In a way, despite Selyse's obvious ignorance about wildling rank, I sort of understand where she's coming from because Gerrick's descent from Raymun's younger brother has some comparisons to Stannis' current claim to the throne. However, one worries about Gerrick's future relationship with fires. 'Tis a dangerous thing for the Lady in Red and her entourage to know one has a drop of king's blood.

[Pod The Impaler]

Let's not forget to add the late, great Chett.

[Tagganaro]

lol. I love it BB.

Othell Yarwyck probably remains my favorite. Jon's offhanded aside about him fearing Borroq and his army of pigs annihilating the Watch made me laugh out loud. Just as likely as Bowen Marsh and an army of pomegranates attacking the Watch.

And Axell must forever be known as "The Saddler", he of the bow-legged, ugly, and pathetic variety. I'd actually love to see him with Val, he's even more pathetic than Ser Patreck and would get stabbed right in the heart by Val.

Selyse-oh my Selyse. She might most fully fit the mustache-twirling villain archetype. She never has anything useful to say, is absolutely delusional about Stannis and how much he cares for her (Jon is more of a wife and more meaningful to Stannis than "Stop prattling at me like we're at a NIghtfire, Woman" Selyse), and worse is a racist fanatic with a superiority complex who is described as "sniffing" all the time. What's she sniffing at? Her own stench and bullshit. Oh, and Gerrick King of Tormund's buttcrack "Kings Blood". That's definitely what she's smelling.

Shouldn't leave Septon Cellador the useless alone either. Every chapter, drunkard is saying "I pray to the crone for guidance." There is no guidance for Cellador, only alcohol. The Crone doesn't even give a shit about him, just like everyone else in Westeros/NW.

[pat]

sigh... poor Cotter... I think he's dead already and we just don't know it yet. I hate how the Night's Watch is always sending men out to die on obviously doomed missions.

Oh he is not dieing. He is in the perfect place for a Super Pirate. i expect that slaver fleet to show up at hardhome. And we have our Super Pirate in place to do the Horrible things only an Ironborn can do.

[butterbumps!]

One wonders if it would have beneficial for Jon to have had the equivalent of a powerpoint presentation. He could have tossed the bodies in the ice cells on the other side of the wall and then held a lecture on what happens to dead people north of the wall. Then he could have had a team-building clinic where each person is required to introduce themselves and learn one thing of the person sitting next to them. Another 'slide' could be an outline of the things that led various people to the watch, culminating in a "melting pot" speech about how everyone's background and experiences add to the rich diversity the watch enjoys. He could end it all by having everyone join in a sing-along of the equivalent of "Imagine".

I think it's Gerrick Kingsblood, a descendant of Raymun Redbeard, that Selyse crowned. In a way, despite Selyse's obvious ignorance about wildling rank, I sort of understand where she's coming from because Gerrick's descent from Raymun's younger brother has some comparisons to Stannis' current claim to the throne. However, one worries about Gerrick's future relationship with fires. 'Tis a dangerous thing for the Lady in Red and her entourage to know one has a drop of king's blood.

A. the bolded made me throw up a bit in my mouth. Though, the thought of Aliser, Bowen, Cellador and Selyse making macaroni pictures of "diversity" at the "Death Camp of Tolerance" is pretty hilarious. B. Thanks for the correction.

Let's not forget to add the late, great Chett.

ugh. Chett Leechman. I'd considered putting him on the list, but since he's been dead lately (and thus not part of Jon's current ship of fools), I let it slide. But I have no doubt this depraved jackass is going to rise as an even lamer wight to add yet more misfortune to Jon's growing list of woes. (I mean, again).

[Catacombs]

Well said.

[Toos]

I think that Jon keeps Bowen Marsh in his position because winter is here and Marsh has best knowledge about NW's supplies. At this point would be probably difficult replace him but maybe after winter he would choose someone else.

About Marsh and Wildlings, I think that Jon in one of his chapters comments that Bowen probably understand his reasons with Wildlings but can't or don't want get beyond his personal aversion to Wildlings.

I think it would good if would be similar thread about Dany's advisors.

[Jolene Brown]

Didn't Bran/Coldhands/company eat Chett? I don't think he's going to be rising any time soon... at the very least, Coldhands presumably burned his body or did something to it to prevent it from rising, right?

[GreenHand]

There are a few solid men suited to their purpose in the night's watch but nothing more. Not really any Lord Commander material.

In days of old the losing side of a great battle would feel tumbling chunks of their ranks to the knights watch for their "treason". The best hope for the night's watch would be such a happening. For example if one of the many glory hunters or the Holy Hundred came upon the Brotherhood without Banners in their hidden nest unawares. Then the whole brotherhood of skilled outlaws could join the watch together

...

Actually the one shining light in Jon's life as LC was Sam, who then was sent away.

Perhaps silly butt... Actually, the best prospect for replacement Lord Commander is probably Sam. He is astute and with his new confidence and "Sam the Slayer" repute might get some respect. We have seen him marshal men towards an objective quickly before: The Jon-Snow-Recovery mission when Jon rode off to join Robb. He would need some staunch and stubborn allies around him to carry it off. But he has some of those.

It's not what Sam wants and ideally he serves under a capable LC, but who else is there...

I wonder if a maester has ever in the history of the Watch been Lord Commander. Maesters have some mistique with the brothers.

[Fender]

I think that part of Sam's maester oath would also prevent him from taking up the leadership of the Night's Watch. He would certainly have the skills (if he could get beyond his initial inhibitions to the position), but a maester's role is to serve, not lead. All hail the 999th Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, Lord Eddison Tollett.