Funniest Moments and/or Phrases in the Books

[Iron-born]

Hi, this is my first topic in the boards, and I just wanted to focus on those little funny moments or lines that happen between all the chaos, death and mayhem. For me, Cersei has some of the most hilarious, laugh-outloud moments in aFFC. I love when Loras offers to take Dragonstone, and Cersei's plans seem to go smooth for the first time, and when she leaves the room her poker face crumbles and the bitch can't hold her laughter any longer. So, what are some of your favorite funny moments or lines?

[a free shadow]

Blackfish (on Tywin): May the Seven judge him justly

Jaime (thinking): Now, that's an awful prospect

[King Euron Swagjoy]

I just finished posting these in another thread, but it works well in this thread as well.

"Kingthlayer you are my captifth"

"Thaphireth"

and last but not least, " Captiths. Rooth Bolton thought to croth the river, but my Brafe Companions cut his van to pieceth. Killed many, and thent Bolton running. Thith ith their lord commander, Glover, and the one behind ith Ther Aenyth Frey."

Vargo Hoat is so poetic. :rofl:

[Tony Soprano]

Welcome to the boards OP! :)

One of my favorites:

Stannis ( about Craster and Gilly ) : " Her own father got this child on her? We are well rid of her then. I'll not suffer such abominations here. This is not King's Landing. "

[King Euron Swagjoy]

Another funny Stannis line.

Davos (about Lord Celtigar's reaction to Stannis's incest letter): "Lord Celtigar called it admirable"

Stannis: "Had I shown him the contents of my privy, he would have called that admirable as well."

edit: added in context

[TNine]

Podrick Payne stood at the door of his solar, studying the floor. “He’s inside,” he announced to Tyrion’s belt buckle. “Your solar. My lord. Sorry.”

Tyrion sighed. “Look at me, Pod. It unnerves me when you talk to my codpiece, especially when I’m not wearing one. Who is inside my solar?”

“Lord Littlefinger.” Podrick managed a quick look at his face, then hastily dropped his eyes. “I meant, Lord Petyr. Lord Baelish. The master of coin. “

“You make him sound a crowd.”

[Florina Laufeyson]

OP, your username gives me a happy!

Heres one i thought of.

Alliser Thorne overheard him. "Lord Snow wants to take my place now." He sneered. "I'd have an easier time teaching a wolf to juggle than you will training this aurochs."

"I'll take that wager, Ser Alliser," Jon said. "I'd love to see Ghost juggle."

[Sweet-N-SourRobin]

From the Sixth Tyrion POV chapter in A Clash Of Kings:

Tyrion: "I take it the Old Bear survived this attack?

Thorne: "He did."

Tyrion: "And that you and your brothers killed these, ah, dead men?"

Thorne: "We did."

Tyrion: "You're certain they're dead this time? Truly truly dead?"

Thorne: "They were dead the first time."

Tyrion: "Lord Baelish, buy our brave Ser Alliser a hundred spades to take back to the wall with him."

Thorne: "Spades?"

Tyrion: "If you bury your dead, they won't come walking!"

Meanwhile the laughter of the courtiers gets louder and louder each time Tyrion clowns Alliser Thorne. Whose evidence rotted away because Tyrion deliberately made him wait a long time for audience, because Thorne's a jerk and Tyrion likes screwing with him.

[Bronn The Conqueror]

hot pie kicking a boy to death in the balls

[RenlyIsNotRight]

Basically everything that comes out of Stannis, Dolorous Edd or Greatjons mouths

[Caro99]

Cersei and Jaime come up with some very hilarious remarks, and in Feasts Cersei made me laugh when she is told that silent sisters are being molested and she thinks how they are all probably praying for that to happen to them...

[Foxhound]

Here's an small funny moment, Tyrion trying to bribe Jorah Mormont:

"I'll gladly hire you as well, ser. My father's seat is mine by rights. Swear me your sword, and once I win it back I'll drown you in gold."

"I saw a man drowned in gold once. It was not a pretty sight."

[LordBloodraven]

“He said.” Jojen frowned. “This . . . Coldhands?”

“That wasn’t his true name,” said Gilly, rocking. “We only called him that, Sam and me. His hands were cold as ice, but he saved us from the dead men, him and his ravens, and he brought us here on his elk.”

“His elk?” said Bran, wonderstruck.

“His elk?” said Meera, startled.

“His ravens?” said Jojen.

“Hodor?” said Hodor.

Pyp: The night is dark and full of turnips. Let us pray for venison, my children, with some onions and a bit of tasty gravy.

Jon shooed the raven off Longclaw. The bird hopped back to Mormont’s shoulder, where it promptly shat."

Mormont: You might have done that on Snow instead of saving it for me.

The bald man drove the point of his spear into the back of Mikken's neck. Steel slid through flesh and came out his throat in a welter of blood. A woman screamed, and Meera wrapped her arms around Rickon. It's blood he drowned on, Bran thought numbly. His own blood.

"Who else has something to say?" asked Theon Greyjoy.

"Hodor hodor hodor hodor," shouted Hodor, eyes wide.

"Someone kindly shut that halfwit up."

[King Aemon I]

"Mud," said Tyrion, "and a few dead things no one's bothered to bury. Before we can open the port again, the Blackwater's going to have to be dredged, the sunken ships broken up or raised. Three-quarters of the quays need repair, and some may have to be torn down and rebuilt. The entire fish market is gone, and both the River Gate and the King's Gate are splintered from the battering Stannis gave them and should be replaced. I shudder to think of the cost." If you do shit gold, Father, find a privy and get busy, he wanted to say, but he knew better.

[Florina Laufeyson]

Pyp: The night is dark and full of turnips. Let us pray for venison, my children, with some onions and a bit of tasty gravy.

Thats my favorite line in the entire series!

[SimonSez]

When Tyrion started confessing in the Eyrie, I knew I was going to like him very much, as he made me laugh.

[nepaliman_7]

"I never win anything," Dolorous Edd complained. "The gods always smiled on Watt, though. When the wildlings knocked him off the Bridge of Skulls, somehow he landed in a nice deep pool of water. How lucky was that, missing all those rocks?"

"Was it a long fall?" Grenn wanted to know. "Did landing in the pool of water save his life?"

"No," said Dolorous Edd. "He was dead already, from that axe in his head. Still, it was pretty lucky, missing the rocks."

Stannis ground his teeth. "It is not my wish to tamper with your rights and traditions. As to royal guidance, Janos, if you mean that I ought to tell your brothers to choose you, have the courage to say so."

That took Lord Janos aback. He smiled uncertainly and began to sweat, but Bowen Marsh beside him said, "Who better to command the black cloaks than a man who once commanded the gold, sire?"

"Any of you, I would think. Even the cook."

[Fat Mac]

"May I congratulate you on your victory over the savages. The singers will make much of it, I know"

"The singers may do as they like. Spare me your fawning, Janos, it will not serve you."

or

"Are you trained crows, to croak at me in turn. Enough!"

[Aslan]

"Girl are you in there?"

Arya "NO!"

*footsteps away*

Fat Tom was always easy to fool...

[Cat of the Commons]

There was one point when Bran was acting lord of Winterfell (the night Jojen and Meera showed up) and Maester Luwin told him it was important to offer food to his guests, so i think he gave the Reeds some roast (since they eat frogs/looked hungry), and Old Nan and Hodor sweets since he loved them so much. Then, Maester Luwin said he should send something to the Walders so they ended up with boiled beets and buttered turnips.

I just thought that was a really cute little-boy-ish thing to do.