Funniest Moments and/or Phrases in the Books

[ed Lannister]

Theon thinking about roose in ADWD

His face was clean shaved, smooth skinned, ordinary, not handsome but not quite plain . Though Roose had been in battles, he bore no scars. Though well past forty, he was as yet unwrinkled, with scarce a line to tell of the passage of time. His lips were so thin that when he pressed them together they seem to vanish altogether.

There was an agelessness to about him, a stillness; on Roose Bolton’s face, rage and joy looked much the same. All he and Ramsay had in common were their eyes. His eyes are ice. Reek wondered if he ever cried. If so, do the tears feel cold upon his cheeks?

Once, a boy called Theon Greyjoy had enjoyed tweaking Bolton as they sat at council with Robb Stark, mocking his soft voice and making japes about leeches. He must have been mad. This is no man to jape with. You had only to look at Bolton to know that he had more cruelty in his pinky toe than all the Freys combined.

[ellisg]

Victarion stating he'll sail the Iron fleet across the Dothraki sea made me laugh. However the funniest scene, for me, was Joffry dying at his wedding almost straight after the Red Wedding and Tyrion thinks to himself In hindsight my wedding wasn't so bad after all or something along those lines, it just made me laugh so much. Hotpie looked like Hotpie.

Also in A Feast for Crows Kings Landing had new ships made that needed naming and that duty went to Tommen. I remember him calling one Sweet Cersei and the other Princess Myrcella but only after he was forced to change it from Moonboy. I laughed a lot at that and it really put Tommen in my heart.

[Arya Nymeria Stark]

For me, the best line was when someone in the Night's Watch was talking about Melisandre and botched up the Red God's name, calling him Red Rahloo instead of R'hllor. Honestly, I STILL can't figure out exactly how to pronounce that one. It's the only name in the series I don't know how to say.

[Jaime's Wench]

Everything that comes out of Jaime and Tyrion's gobs. My favourite line is in my signature - mention of both Jaime's honour and equestrianism, score!!!

The funniest scene for me was when Tyrion started bidding for himself at the slave auction. The whole damn Meereen story has been so serious, and he just made a total farce of it. "All the gold of Casterly Rock" - AMAZING! How many times have we heard that phrase? Yet in this context, it's so true.

[UnbentFury]

I think a lot of people have already taken the best ones, but here's one I didn't see from the WOW preview chap:

"Answer me. If we were to loose these birds, would they return to the Dreadfort?" The king leaned forward. "Or might they fly for Winterfell instead?"

Maester Tybald pissed his robes.

Damn Stannis.

And,

"Old Tom was always easy to fool."

[Ther Thapphireth]

DE-"He's going with you?"

JS-"He is."

DE-"A clever wolf, him. And me?"

JS-"You're not."

DE-"A clever lord, you. Ghost's the better choice. I don't have the teeth for biting wildlings anymore."

"He soon had her calling the ship the Stinky Steward, though she got somewhat wroth with him whenever he called Pretty Bacon

.RB-"This miller's marriage had been performed without my leave or knowledge. The man had cheated me. So I had him hanged, and claimed my rights beneath the tree where he was swaying. If truth be told, the wench was hardly worth the rope. The fox escaped as well, and on our way back to the Dreadfort my favorite courser came up lame, so all in all it was a dismal day." ...wow Roose...

JM-"If you ever get my sword, it will be through your bowels."

TL-"A sure cure for constipation," said Tyrion. "Just ask my father."

DE-"Now I understand why King Stannis let the wildlings through the Wall. He means for us to eat them."

JS-Jon had to smile. "It will not come to that."

DE-"Oh, good," said Edd. "They look a stringy lot, and my teeth are not as sharp as when I was younger."

[Ther Thapphireth]

After Dario tells this ridiculous story of how he decapitated a defector and then threw the decapitated head at the other defectors as he fled, Barristan dryly says "how gallant"

for some reason that line always makes me chuckle.

I love that just because of how much Daario annoys me. He says he pulls the guy's heart out btw, which makes it even more ridiculous. :laugh:

[Blackwater Bronn]

The funniest moment for me was in aFfC, when cersei had been arrested and qyburn comes in and tells her that Waters took her new fleet and has gone pirate xD

[louzeyre]

Another quote I found funny was during Jaime's dressing down of Ser Boros Blount:

"Tommen loves applecakes. Try not to let any sellswords make off with them."

What made it even funnier to me was that in AFFC we see that it wasn't just some dessert Jaime chose at random. It was Tommen's choice of dessert was at his wedding:

"Tommen returned to his seat to nibble at an applecake."

[myredcomet]

"I never win anything," Dolorous Edd complained. "The gods always smiled on Watt, though. When the wildlings knocked him off the Bridge of Skulls, somehow he landed in a nice deep pool of water. How lucky was that, missing all those rocks?"

"Was it a long fall?" Grenn wanted to know. "Did landing in the pool of water save his life?"

"No," said Dolorous Edd. "He was dead already, from that axe in his head. Still, it was pretty lucky, missing the rocks."

I remember when I first read that I laughed until I coughed. This thread has done wonders to lighten my mood. Most of the ones I like best have already been said, but I do still chuckle everytime something or especially someone is referred to as being "as useful as nipples on a breast plate"

Also, I laughed really hard (maybe inappropriately) at Quentyn's demise:

"Down," the prince commanded. You must not let him smell your fear. "Down, down, down." He brought the whip around and laid a lash across the dragon's face. Viserion hissed.

And then a hot wind buffeted him and he heard the sound of leathern wings and the air was full of ash and cinders and a monstrous roar went echoing off the scorched and blackened brings and he could hear his friends shouting wildly. Gerris was calling out his name, over and over, and the big man was bellowing, "Behind you, behind you, behind you!"

Quentyn turned and threw his left arm across his face to shield his eyes from the furnace wind. Rhaegal, he reminded himself, the green one is Rhaegal. When he raised his whip, he saw that the lash was burning. His hand as well. All of him, all of him was burning.

Oh, he thought. Then he began to scream.

Its just so Quentyn (and anticlimactic) to have his last thought be "Oh." I think that's probably what I would have thought too, were I him.

[Barristan The Based God]

I thought it was hilarious when Bran howled at everyone. I just kid picture clearly a kid howling at people and them getting super pussed about it.

[ed Lannister]

DE-"Now I understand why King Stannis let the wildlings through the Wall. He means for us to eat them."

JS-Jon had to smile. "It will not come to that."

DE-"Oh, good," said Edd. "They look a stringy lot, and my teeth are not as sharp as when I was younger."

As expected DE dialogues are wonderful to read

[Toccs]

When Tyrion and Oberyn first meet there is this exchange.

Oberyn - (talking about Tyrion when he was a baby) You did have a monstrous great voice I'll grant you, you wailed for hours and nothing would quiet you but a woman's teat.

Tyrion - Still true as it happens.

[Brandon Martell]

When Tyrion started confessing in the Eyrie, I knew I was going to like him very much, as he made me laugh.

But it was sooo much better in the TV series. That was one of the funniest scenes in the show.

[uptowngbv]

Jorah: If I take you off the ring, will you do as you're told?

Tyrion: Will it involve dancing?

[Lord Hand]

From the TV show rather than the books, but when Tyrion confesses in the Eyrie, this quote gets me every time.

“When I was 12, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one–eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry. Into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate; at least I hope she did. I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel…”

[ckal]

Whenever Stannis talks with Jon Snow I laugh. Stannis is hilarious. I remember a scene between them at Castle Black being particularly funny, especially since Jon Snow remarks how you can never tell if Stannis is joking or not.

[uptowngbv]

Stannis is funny because he has no sense of irony or humor. GRRM is brilliant.

[Brandon Martell]

From the TV show rather than the books, but when Tyrion confesses in the Eyrie, this quote gets me every time.

“When I was 12, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one–eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry. Into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate; at least I hope she did. I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel…”

Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I am a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated, gambled and whored. I'm not particularly good at violence, but I'm good at convincing others to do violence for me. You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe and she was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. I close my eyes, but I can still see her tits bouncing...

When I was ten, I stuffed my uncle's boots with goat shit. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. Poor boy was flogged, and I escaped justice.

[itchycoo]

Tyrion on the sound the bells on his slave collar make: Such a happy sound, it makes me want to scoop out someone's eyeballs with a spoon.

Dany to herself: You are the blood of the dragon, you can make a hat.