Funniest Moments and/or Phrases in the Books

[Kosh Naranek]

Dolorous Edd - "I just want to say to whoever is voting for me that I would certainly make an awful Lord Commander. But so would all these others.”

Stannis to Jon Snow - "Did Ned Stark father you on some fishwife?" Made me laugh like a loon.

[Lady Flandrensis]

Dolorous Edd - "I just want to say to whoever is voting for me that I would certainly make an awful Lord Commander. But so would all these others.”

That made me spit. Edd has the best lines in the series, no doubt.

[Dareaper]

TL:DR

my fav is actually one fromt he show, and i never get it exactly right:

Tyrion: They say the Erie is imprengnatable.

Bromm: Give me soem climbing spikes and afew good men, and i'll impregnate the b*tch.

[SecretaryofEvil]

Every time the Dothraki say "it is known" about something totally ridiculous

Agreed, and I love your username/avatar combo.

[AlQohoric]

"Twice as many papers!" Pretty Meeris

"Fools love a fool."

"You chatter like magpies and with less sense." Stannis

"The man is half Lannister, half Frey, and all liar." Edmure on Cleos Frey

"All you have I gave you. You'd do well to remember that. Bastard."

"Get the keys and remove those chains from him before you make me rue the day I raped your mother" Roose to Ramsay

"....or I'll tie you over the rail and make a gift of the crew to your ass!" Victarion to his maester

[LordBloodraven]

From the TV show rather than the books, but when Tyrion confesses in the Eyrie, this quote gets me every time.

“When I was 12, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one–eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry. Into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate; at least I hope she did. I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel…”

You forgot to mention Sweetrobin asking "What next [happened]" after that

[Teal'c]

Weddings have become more perilous than battles, it would seem.

Shall I fetch m'lord some breakfast?

Corn, cried the raven.Corn, Corn.

Roast raven.

Perhaps some wine?said Septon Cellador.

Corn screamed the raven from the lintel. Corn, corn.

Wine for the septon and a plate for our First Builder, Jon told Dolorous Edd. Nothing for the bird.

Never trust a cook, my lord. They'll prune you when you least expect it.

Anything with Jon, Edd and the bird...pure gold!

[Little Wing]

"Some men had faces that cried out for a beard. Ser Clayton's face cried out for an axe between the eyes." - Asha

[The Lord's Kiss]

This is actually one of those things you laugh at that you shouldn't really laugh at but I'll throw it up here for the hell of it..

A Storm of Swords, Davos II

Salladhor Saan pushed himself to his feet. "You are no true friend, I am thinking. When you are dead, who will be bringing your ashes back to your lady wife and telling her that she has lost a husband and four sons? Only sad old Salladhor Saan. But so be it, brave ser knight, go rushing to your grave. I will gather your bones in a sack and give them to the sons you leave behind, to wear in little bags around their necks."

It's so sad, but the visual of these two kids wearing bags of Davos' bones just cracks me up.. I guess I'm a terible person.

[DavosBolton]

When 9 year old Arya did a takedown on 11 year old Sansa and started beating her up. What an absurd and funny scene :D

Sansa: I don’t remember. Everything happened so fast, I didn’t see.

Arya: "You rotten!" She flew at her sister like an arrow, knocking Sansa down to the ground, pummeling her. "Liar, liar, liar, liar."

Picturing the gentle, feminine big sister being punched repeatedly in the face by her little sister, lol

[Harald Hard-Ruler]

Always loved this part in ASOS just after Jaime shows up to rescue Tyrion from his jail cell:

"Oh, must I?" Tyrion snarled. "Why should I believe you about anything, ever? She was my wife!"

"Tyrion—"

He hit him. It was a slap, backhanded, but he put all his strength into it, all his fear, all his rage, all his pain. Jaime was squatting, unbalanced. The blow sent him tumbling backward to the floor. "I . . . I suppose I earned that."

"Oh, you've earned more than that, Jaime. You and my sweet sister and our loving father, yes, I can't begin to tell you what you've earned. But you'll have it, that I swear to you. A Lannister always pays his debts." Tyrion waddled away, almost stumbling over the turnkey again in his haste. Before he had gone a dozen yards, he bumped up against an iron gate that closed the passage. Oh, gods. It was all he could do not to scream.

Jaime came up behind him. "I have the gaoler's keys."

I find that part absolutely hilarious. Tyrion trying to have this dramatic exit and walking right into the door.

[Booknerd2]

After The Hound gives the injured man a quick death.

When he checks the dead man for possessions, and tosses his sidekick/partner, Arya, the knife with the pink stone. She catches it and both say nothing.

I laughed my ass off. Those two together are too much.

So funny how he was around Sansa, and the little sister ends up being something totally different.

[~Shiera Seastar~]

first post, yo!

"That damnable wheelhouse, the way it creaks and groans, climbing every bump in the road as if it were a mountain... I promise you, if that wretched thing breaks another axle, I'm going to burn it, and Cersei can walk!"

Ned laughed. "I will gladly light the torch for you."

"Good man!" The king clapped him on the shoulder.

[fuckingheh]

"Make do"

[Lion of Judah]

Dolorus Edd- “Gilly.” “That’s the one. If my wet nurse had looked like her, I’d still be on the teat. Mine had whiskers.” “Most goats do,” called Pyp

[Summer is Ending]

Robert's passive aggressive way of laughing long and hard at any calamity that befalls a Lannister, Kevan being unhorsed by Thoros, the cat snatching Tywin's food from right in front of him at the dinner table, knocking kingslayer down in the dirt, kingslayer getting hit so hard he can't get his helmet off yet never having the balls to stand up to them directly and instead letting them completely infest his court. Such a mutt.

[~Shiera Seastar~]

Tyrion hopped off the last step onto the yard. "I beg to differ, nephew," he said. "The Starks can count past six. Unlike some princes I might name."

Joffrey had the grace at least to blush.

"A voice from nowhere," Sandor said. He peered through his helm, looking this way and that. "Spirits of the air!"

The prince laughed, as he always laughed when his bodyguard did this mummer's farce. Tyrion was used to it. "Down here."

The tall man peered down at the ground, and pretended to notice him. "The little lord Tyrion," he said. "My pardons. I did not see you standing there."

[Harald Hard-Ruler]

Tyrion hopped off the last step onto the yard. "I beg to differ, nephew," he said. "The Starks can count past six. Unlike some princes I might name."

Joffrey had the grace at least to blush.

"A voice from nowhere," Sandor said. He peered through his helm, looking this way and that. "Spirits of the air!"

The prince laughed, as he always laughed when his bodyguard did this mummer's farce. Tyrion was used to it. "Down here."

The tall man peered down at the ground, and pretended to notice him. "The little lord Tyrion," he said. "My pardons. I did not see you standing there."

I love that part. For all the anger that Sandor had inside of him he was also capable of humor as well. I also love this part:

"Mother said," mocked the king. "Don't be childish."

“We’re children,” Myrcella declared haughtily. “We’re supposed to be childish.”

The Hound laughed. “She has you there.”

That actually reminds me of another part of the book which perhaps wasn't meant to be funny but came across as funny to me was when Sandor is trying to get Arya to end his life and to provoke her he says "Avenge your little Michael" and Arya is like "His name was MYCHA!"

[PrinceHenryris]

Tommen: When I'm King in my own righ, I'm going to outlaw beets!

[Larry of the Lawn]

When Oberyn is talking to Tyrion before he fights the Mountain, he talks about how when Elia was looking for a husband, she met with Baelor Hightower, but he farted in front of her, and Oberyn kept calling him Baelor Breakwind, and Elia could no longer take Baelor Hightower seriously. She ends up marrying Rhaegar, so Tyrion wonders

"How many lives were snuffed out with that fart?"

or something to that effect.