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Funniest Moments and/or Phrases in the Books


Iron-born

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Oberyn Martell: As children Elia and I were inseparable, much like your own brother and sister.

Tyrion's internal monologue: Gods, I hope not.

Roose Bolton: Get the keys and remove those chains from him, before you make me rue the day I raped your mother. (I know it's awful but there's something about the combination of completely evil and casual delivery that made this really comical to read)

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Erik Ironmaker at the kingsmoot:

“Erik!” Men moved aside to let her through. With one foot on the lowest step, she said, “Erik, stand up.”

A hush fell. The wind blew, waves broke against the shore, men murmured in each other’s ears. Erik Ironmaker stared down at Asha Greyjoy. “Girl. Thrice-damned girl. What did you say?”

“Stand up, Erik,” she called. “Stand up and I’ll shout your name with all the rest. Stand up and I’ll be the first to follow you. You want a crown, aye. Stand up and take it.”

Elsewhere in the press, the Crow’s Eye laughed. Erik glared at him. The big man’s hands closed tight around the arms of his driftwood throne. His face went red, then purple. His arms trembled with effort. Aeron could see a thick blue vein pulsing in his neck as he struggled to rise. For a moment it seemed as though he might do it, but the breath went out of him all at once, and he groaned and sank back onto his cushion. Euron laughed all the louder.

The mental image I get from this makes me laugh every time.

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"Who knows more of gods than I? Horse gods and fire gods, gods made of gold with gemstone eyes, gods carved of cedar wood, gods chiseled into mountains, gods of empty air... I know them all. I have seen their peoples garland them with flowers, and shed the blood of goats and bulls and children in their names. And I have heard the prayers, in half a hundred tongues. Cure my withered leg, make the maiden love me, grant me a healthy son. Save me, succor me, make me wealthy... protect me! Protect me from mine enemies, protect me from the darkness, protect me from the crabs inside my belly, from the horselords, from the slavers, from the sellswords at my door. Protect me from the silence." He laughed. "Godless? Why, Aeron, I am the godliest man ever to raise sail! You serve one god, Damphair, but I have served ten thousand. From Ib to Asshai, when men see my sails, they pray." – Euron "Crow's Eye" Greyjoy

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  • 2 weeks later...

I love to read Arya swear CAMEL CUNTS! Nearly fell off my chair.

Also the Hound was funny when he was on the road with Arya. He complained the water tasted muddy... I know it was a sad moment but it was funny anyway, a grown man wounded near his death bitching about his water. Somehow it was funny for me...very human.

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  • 2 months later...

It's not the funniest but it tickles me: the scene where Butterbumps is running around singing "The Bear and the Maiden Fair" at the top of his voice while Sansa talks to Margaery and the Queen of Thorns, I just keep imagining that Butterbumps is dancing and singing almost to the point of hysteria

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"Lord Pea Pod. If you were a man, I would kill you for that, but my sword is made of too fine a steel to besmirch with craven's blood" - Wull

"Ramsay hated my smiles, so he took a hammer to my teeth"-Theon

"The deck was moving under him, and for half a heartbeat he was so confused he thought he was back on the Shy Maid. A whiff of pigshit brought him to his senses"

And finally my favourites:

" Old as sin and twice as ugly, the lot of them. It was almost enough to put a man off whoring" -Tyrion

"The shaft tore through the folds of his banner and hung spent, the point a bare foot from his face. It startled him so badly that he dropped the peace banner and tumbled from his saddle"

"Patchface shuffled his feet in a grotesque dance step" (Couldn't help but think of the Party Rock Anthem when I read this :) )

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- Any of the repeated mentions of Stannis grinding his teeth

- "She's been fucking Lancel and Osmund Kettleblack and Moon Boy for all I know.."

- When Tommen wanted to name one of the new ships 'Moon Boy'

- "The night is dark and full of turnips"

- Whenever Dany's handmaids say "It Is Known" in unison

- Dany: "[Viserys] will sweep westeros with fifty thousand Dothraki." Jorah: "Viserys could not sweep a stable with fifty thousand brooms"

- Just before Drogon reappears, when Belwas says that "Strong Belwas ate too many locusts... Strong Belwas needs milk" just The mental image of this huge, muscled, scarred ex-fighting slave sweating profusley and asking for a glass of milk

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hot pie kicking a boy to death in the balls

Hot Pie yelling "Hot Pie!".

Lommy Greenhands: "And what do I do if the wolves come?"

Arya: " Yield!"

Gendry: “If you need help bark like a dog."

Arya: "That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help."

Haahahah I love all the dialogue with Arya and Yorens lot on the way to the Wall. The bantering between hot pie, lommy, and gendry with Arya is hilarious. I especially loved and laughed my ass off when she beat the shit outta hot pie.

Alotta good quotes on here. Any sentence with Vargo Hoat is funny:

" Kingthlayer .. You are my captifth"

And I loved this bit with Jaime and Brienne:

"Her name is Brienne," Jaime said. "Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?"

Her broad homely face turned red. "Yes."

"Oh, good," Jaime said. "I only rescue maidens."

Tyrion also has the funniest parts.

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Davos needs to get little Edric Storm onto the escape boat, but the bastard is being difficult. He demands to see the king. So to get hiss little ass moving, Davos reminds him of what happens when Stannis gets angry by showing Edric his maimed hand. It works, and the boy jumps onto the boat.

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