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TED ROCKSON: ULTIMATE AMERICAN (Barbarian Snark #6)


MinDonner

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Continued from here. And boy, did I time this new thread badly, for the next chapter features the never-tedious Vassily'n'Rahallah show. But let's quickly recap, as is customary, with the STORY SO FAR...

American Glory (Doomsday Warrior #8) by Ryder Stacy. Published 1986.

The year is (still) 2089, as far as we know, and it has been so throughout all 8 books of the series, despite them covering well over a year's worth of events. One hundred years ago exactly, the Commies invaded America and nuked the shit out of it and now they run a not-very-communist Commie Empire across the whole globe.

Some plucky Americans survived and built a city in a tunnel out of bits of car and now they are finally getting around to some proper invasion-repelling. So far this has largely involved "electing" a useless president and making a new green-and-purple flag, trashing the occasional slave camp with the aid of mutant Californians and/or Fosters-swilling Aussies who can herd giant octopuses with their electric boomerangs. There was also a big Nazi invasion which was quelled with the help of some glowing psychic mutants with their organs on the outside. I know, it's complicated.

Anyway, the various Russian factions are now at war with each other so apparently it will be easier to defeat them. This is about as much plot as we're getting; the rest is just misogyny, dreadful racist stereotypes, a succession of unlikely monsters (big ones which had ruled over their territories like gods and had never known pain until now; small ones which emerge from the undergrowth to feast on the entrails of whichever redshirt was the last to buy the farm) and some frankly batshit descriptions of the sky.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Ted Rockson is the Ultimate Gary Stu, and naturally our hero. Winner of every Who Is The Best Fighter argument evar, he also has eyes of ultramarine and violet, psychic powers and a tramp stamp in the shape of a star. :wub:

The Rock Squad is his team of ethnic sidekicks. There's Chen, the inscrutable Oriental, who is the master of all manner of non-region-specific martial arts and also acupuncture. Detroit, token black guy, throws grenades and also bowls for the postapocalyptic softball team. Had his arm cut off but he got better. McCaughlin, who is either Irish or Scottish and usually doesn't do much except cook. And Archer, who is big and dumb.

Rona and Kim are Rock's two girlfriends. Rona is a badass statuesque redhead with white nipples who looks like Eva Braun(?); she was once a circus gymnast and also has psychic powers and the tramp stamp. Kim is the President's daughter and is petite and blonde, yet apparently also possesses gymnast powers given that she managed to fuck Rock through some prison bars while he was chained to a wall, approximately 5 seconds after meeting him. Showdown between the two of them is imminent!

President Charles or Michael Langford was elected in a secret election in book 3 by 300 people, all of whom were blown up immediately afterwards. He had his brain wiped by the Russians in book 7, but he got better.

Miscellaneous other good guys: Rath, the Security Chief, who basically does all the work but is occasionally called upon when the authors need to illustrate the evils of bureaucracy. Shecter, Man of Science, who invents everything from hybrid foodstuffs to guns to medical procedures. He broke his spine, but he got better.

The bad guys:

Colonel Killov is thin, looks like a skeleton, subsists on drugs and vitamin tablets, and is the essence of pure communist eeevil. He tends to crop up about 3 times per book, at which point the author reminds us of those facts at great length (usually some kind of subordinate gets executed in the process). He is the head of the KGB and wants to nuke the shit out of everything because ????. (eeevil)

Premier Vassily is frail old dude in charge of entire global Communist empire. Much is made by the text of how he has ultimate power and how everything will change once he's dead, even though he never actually does anything and has no supporters bar his manservant Rahallah, who is "descended from African princes" and therefore is our sole representative of all things African; still not sure whether Stacy realises that this is a continent and not a country.

President Zhabnov is Vassily's nephew, and until recently was in charge of the USSA. He is fat and stupid and likes food and rose-gardening and underage girls. As with Killov, the author likes to remind us of all those things every time he appears, but I'm hopeful that he has exited stage left now that Killov has taken over. He and Killov are extremely inept arch-enemies.

....well, that was quite long. The actual chapter will have to wait for next time then!

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United soviet states of America

United socialist states of America

United soviet socialist America (there was an earlier soviet socialist America operating under articles of confederation but it really didn't work out)

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Right, because USSR is united, soviet, socialist, republics, and if we insist the that A in USSA stand for "America", well, we're missing one of them. Maybe the US in now A socialist republic? Like "LSSR" was Lithuania or Latvia (must have been confusing, come to think of it. Ukraine and Uzbekistan too.)

(Sorry, I'm kind of really zoned out. I suspect this is as close as i'll get to drunk posting.)

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Can I assume that Stacey himself describes Chen as "Oriental" early and often?

Oh yes. Believe me, I'm as shocked at you are at Stacy's politically incorrect terminology.

1. The thread title should be UPPER CASE.

Done.

2. Did the Soviets really invade AMERICA and then nuke the shit out of it? 'Cause that would seem unwise.

:leaving:

Heh. Point. Though, the text is unclear; it does say that the Russians invaded "immediately", so there's room for some ambiguity there...

Do they call it the USSA at any point? I kind of want to know what that stands for...

In defiance of sense or grammar, it is in fact the United Socialists States of America (lack of apostrophe as per the text). Finding this out also brought the surprising knowledge that apparently Washington DC has been renamed "New Lenin", a name even shorter-lived than that of "Biscuit".

Is it bad that I sorta want to read these books?

Yes. Yes it is.

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Right, because USSR is united, soviet, socialist, republics, and if we insist the that A in USSA stand for "America", well, we're missing one of them. Maybe the US in now A socialist republic? Like "LSSR" was Lithuania or Latvia (must have been confusing, come to think of it. Ukraine and Uzbekistan too.)

(Sorry, I'm kind of really zoned out. I suspect this is as close as i'll get to drunk posting.)

America just ain't a republic no more.

...In defiance of sense or grammar, it is in fact the United Socialists States of America (lack of apostrophe as per the text). Finding this out also brought the surprising knowledge that apparently Washington DC has been renamed "New Lenin", a name even shorter-lived than that of "Biscuit"...

New Lenin? Not new leninburg, or new leningrad or new lenin'stown but just new lenin? Ok I suppose that's par for the course :)

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Colonel Killov is thin, looks like a skeleton, subsists on drugs and vitamin tablets, and is the essence of pure communist eeevil. He tends to crop up about 3 times per book, at which point the author reminds us of those facts at great length (usually some kind of subordinate gets executed in the process). He is the head of the KGB and wants to nuke the shit out of everything because ????. (eeevil)

Killov being a colonel...is this like a Gaddafi thing?

Or did he simply consider the title unlucky after having assumed the leadership of the KGB (presumably goosestepping over the dead bodies of a bunch of KGB generals)?

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Right then, let's get Chapter Seven out of the way.

Vassily sits in his wheelchair on the balcony of his Kremlin office overlooking Red Square. I'm... not convinced that the Kremlin has such balconies. But let's be generous and assume they had it remodelled in the meantime, to take advantage of all that glorious Russian sunshine. Rahallah, dressed in "full white tuxedo and gloves", is reading him passages out of Revelation for the umpteenth time. Of course the Bible is a Banned Book, but Vassily is above the law so can get away with it.

Anyway, Vassily has come to the conclusion that Revelation is neither about God nor the Devil, but actually a prophecy about Killov, who will be responsible for the destruction of the Earth! And then he does a brilliant impersonation of just the sort of morbid old man you'd expect to find in Russian literature:

"Why does it not stop, Rahalllah?" the premier cried out in anguish. "Why is there no rest - for me - but always war, blood, and more blood? I am growing tired of it all, my only friend. I don't know how long I can keep things going, keep this decrepit old body from crumbling into dust."

Rahallah wags his finger sternly. Vassily must stay alive, because we know what his death would do to the world!

And as usual, this baffles me. Sure, there are old decrepit men tenaciously clinging to power in dictatorships everywhere. But usually they have some kind of support structure? And - if not loyalty among the more able men - at least a bunch of people with a vested interest in keeping them in power? Vassily has one furrin servant who all the other Russians hate. That's it. He makes no commanding speeches, he controls no network of loyalists, he just sits in his wheelchair and whines about stuff. But, Stacy says he is ALL POWERFUL, so all powerful he remains. In its own way, this is even more bizarre than Rockson's plot armour.

Vassily continues complaining about how his legs feel as though they are made of gruel and water and the responsibility is like a ton of bricks etc etc, while Rahallah stands on the "infra-red-heated" terrace and looks out over the Moscow streets, where columns of smoke rise from all chimneys as the women cook the evening meal for their husbands and children. So, we can deduce that Moscow is still lacking central heating, and that everyone has their own individual family home, unlike that bastion of FREEDOM Century City where everyone eats in the communal dining hall.

Vassily is now wishing that he'd had Killov killed years ago (woe is him!) and now it's too late and his glorious Empire is crumbling.

"Why do they hate us so? Hate me so, Faithful One?" the premier implored the black servant, looking up suddenly at him, peering directly into his face as if searching for a saviour.

"They hate you because they have no land of their own, no power of their own, no..."

"But I give them food, shelter. More food than all my predecessors put together. I have tried to stop unnecessary brutality, torture."

"It is not enough, Great One. Men need more than just a roof and loaf of bread. They need - freedom."

Um, no. Actually I think it's more about the unnecessary brutality and the torture.

It would actually have been quite impressive if the authors had taken this specific condemnation of communism seriously. Maybe given us an America where the populace were well-fed and provided for, just lacking this vital element of FREEDOM. It could have been nicely creepy in a Stepford Wives/1930s Germany sorta way. But it's a bit late for that, now that we've already had 7 books full of torture camps and random nuking and naked ladies fed to wild beasts in the gladiator arena. Nice try, Vassily.

Anyway, he grumbles a bit more about those ungrateful bastards who don't appreciate his benevolent leadership, then he drifts off into sleep where he can hide from the grins of the skulls that circle him like vultures above carrion. Rahallah, realising that he has not yet done anything sufficiently African this chapter, resolves to remedy this forthwith.

He strips off "the clothes of the white man" and dresses himself in what is not stated, but assumed by implication, to be the clothes of the black man. This turns out to be - brace yourselves - a leopardskin loincloth. And a headdress made from a LION. And a necklace of lion teeth, shining like a hundred magical tusks.

He goes out into the snow dressed like this, which might be a clue as to the season, only I think it's always snowing in Moscow in these books, whatever time of year it is. He does miscellaneous witch-doctory things like burn sacred herbs and shake a stick with small animal skulls on.

Rahallah didn't pray for help - he demanded it, shaking the skull-stick at the writhing gray clouds above, which continued to send down curtains of the fluffy thick flakes of snow. The whiteness quickly covered him, so that only his arms and mouth, which continued in ritual motion, were visible. Through the long night he vocalised the ancient words, the secret harmonies to call up the gods of Africa, to make them rise up through the parched earth of the plains, make them fly down from the icy perches of Mt Kilimanjaro.

...:stunned:

I would love to illustrate this with a picture of an ambulatory snowman in a lion headdress. But I fear I must leave Stacy's words to speak for themselves. Anyway, apparently the non-region-specific Ancient Gods of Africa are being entreated to persuade Vassily to stay alive and choose peaceful solutions. If I was an ancient god of Africa I'd probably turn up just to see wtf was going on.

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Killov being a colonel...is this like a Gaddafi thing?

Or did he simply consider the title unlucky after having assumed the leadership of the KGB (presumably goosestepping over the dead bodies of a bunch of KGB generals)?

Oops, missed this. No, there are plenty of generals left, all of whom bow and scrape and tug their forelocks at Colonel Killov and call him things like "your excellency". In Communist Russia, generals take orders from YOU! Or, alternatively, Stacy has no idea how things like ranks work.

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