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"They're All So Beautiful", a documentary on race and dating


Yagathai

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@eyenon15

Only dating Asians is not a sexual orientation. That's why the analogy fails.

At the same time, I think this judgement of those with "yellow fever" is a little unfair. A legitimate interest in a foreign culture, to the extent of learning a (at least to a native English speaker) difficult language, might create some common sympathy. And a certain amount of language barrier can skew communication toward simplicity and sincerity which can be refreshing.

And is a white man who only dates Asian women worse than an Asian man who will only date Asian women?

That said, your aggressive, defensive posture is not doing you any favors.

The video that started this all didn't complain about learning a foreign language though. It complained about insisting on playing out your own little story with everyone else being supporting characters that should know to stick to their roles. It was the insistence on speaking the language to an Asian-American that clearly didn't want to that was the problem.

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That was very interesting -- but wow, has she really met more than one man who has learned an Asian language in order to try to pick up Asian women, and who continues to try to talk with them in that language after having been told they prefer English? Somehow that part is just mind boggling to me. There are so few Americans who know any foreign language, it just seems amazing that there could be more than a score of men in the whole country who have learned Chinese or Japanese as part of a sexual obsession with East Asian women. Is this really a common experience Asian-American women have had?

My anecdotal impression is that this isn't a common experience. But I'll verify that, yes, I've met more than one man who has learned an Asian language because of a fetishization of Asian women. My experience is that this happens in college when taking Japanese as a foreign language credit puts little burden on their schedule.

I have no idea whether it was related to Asian fetishism or not, but I had a really obnoxious experience with a man who kept trying to speak to me in Japanese. I was finishing a half-marathon and he was a volunteer at the end, responsible for keeping runners moving through the line and getting them any help they needed. I had started having a problem with my hip about a mile before the finish, but figured that I might as well keep going since I'd already done most of the distance. As soon as I came through the line, tired from the run, wincing from the hip pain, asking to be pointed to the medical tent, this douchebag immediately starts speaking to me in another language . I'm breathing hard but trying to tell him that I couldn't understand him and please mister, can you just show me where the med tent is? And instead of acknowledging this at all, he starts asking me - aren't you Japanese? I'm trying to speak to you in your language, can you understand me? And then while I'm trying to say - just let me through the line and let me get to the tent, he's walking along trying to tell me about learning Japanese. And then acted like he didn't understand why I didn't want to talk about Japanese with him. I finally escaped him when I got to the tent. Also, I'm not Japanese.

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Well, that's because not all people who do one thing are racist. But stereotyping white guys who date asians as racist or having fetishes is going to get those types of responses. It's human nature for a person to defend themselves, particularly if they're innocent. A person shouldn't feel the need to defend his/her relationship if it's a healthy relationship. You say, well that's great because those people who are in it for the right reasons are not the point of this thread and shouldn't have to be in here. The thing is, when you focus only on white guys dating asians, that is going to make some white guys who date asian women insecure about their relationship. It is going to make them think that anybody who sees them together is going to question their motives for getting into said relationship. That is exactly what stereotyping and singling out one group of people does. They shouldn't have to defend their relationships to people. If you started a thread about how creepy it is when white women only date black men or vice versa, you would get the same responses from white women and black men. It's natural for them to make the link in their minds that people would then be questioining their relationships and the motives for being in said relationships. And that makes people defensive. My point is, when you single out a group, people in that group are going to get defensive because they're going to feel like it's an attack on them. It is human nature to do so. So when these threads happen, don't get upset when you get those types of responses.

@eyenon15

Only dating Asians is not a sexual orientation. That's why the analogy fails.

At the same time, I think this judgement of those with "yellow fever" is a little unfair. A legitimate interest in a foreign culture, to the extent of learning a (at least to a native English speaker) difficult language, might create some common sympathy. And a certain amount of language barrier can skew communication toward simplicity and sincerity which can be refreshing.

And is a white man who only dates Asian women worse than an Asian man who will only date Asian women?

That said, your aggressive, defensive posture is not doing you any favors.

I agree with both of you.

I also think that while Eyenon is coming across as aggressive, defensive and somewhat incoherent at the same time, other boarders are goading him and then mocking him when he overreacts. Classic bullying behavior to me.

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@eyenon15

Only dating Asians is not a sexual orientation. That's why the analogy fails.

At the same time, I think this judgement of those with "yellow fever" is a little unfair. A legitimate interest in a foreign culture, to the extent of learning a (at least to a native English speaker) difficult language, might create some common sympathy. And a certain amount of language barrier can skew communication toward simplicity and sincerity which can be refreshing.

I suggest you rewatch the video, because that's not what she said. One of her examples was people who keep trying to talk to her in whatever asian language they think she speaks, despite her saying "No dude, I'm American. I talk english."

And is a white man who only dates Asian women worse than an Asian man who will only date Asian women?

Why are they only dating asian women?

Cause it could totally be just as bad but for different reasons. (or the same reasons)

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I only read the first part to know you are incorrect.

You even put quotes around it like that's what was said. That is not what was said.

Is this to me?

Cause nothing in my post is put in quotes to say you said something. At all. I just used the quote function.

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Is this to me?

Cause nothing in my post is put in quotes to say you said something. At all. I just used the quote function.

Yes to you. It looked like you were quoting the video incorrectly. Not the quote function.

If you put quotes around your statement for no reason then my mistake.

But surely you realize Unnecessary quotes can be confusing

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I also think that while Eyenon is coming across as aggressive, defensive and somewhat incoherent at the same time, other boarders are goading him and then mocking him when he overreacts. Classic bullying behavior to me.

Spot on. Seems it is now about fighting back not about what it all started with.

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I suggest you rewatch the video, because that's not what she said. One of her examples was people who keep trying to talk to her in whatever asian language they think she speaks, despite her saying "No dude, I'm American. I talk english."

Why are they only dating asian women?

Cause it could totally be just as bad but for different reasons. (or the same reasons)

I didn't watch the video. Just digressing on the related topic of the potential existence of non-asshole white men who date Asian women. (hadn't decided whether eyenon15 belonged in this category)

Not dating outside of your own race is a separate topic, I'm sure, but it could indicate racism or cultural chauvinism, whereas the "yellow fever" white man, fetishist or not, might have genuine admiration for another culture.

This does nothing to invalidate the annoyance of an American woman of Asian background, I realize.

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If you go back to the video, she specifically theres nothing wrong with having a dating preference, the problem is only.wanting.to date her.because.of her race.

@eyenon, maybe watch.the video again, I think you'll find she's not criticizing all guys that only date Asians and certainly.not.making.comments.about white men in general.

Specifically, around 1:30 and what follows. Sorry about the excess "."s its my phone.

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she's not criticizing all guys that only date Asians and certainly.not.making.comments.about white men in general.

No she's not, nor are the people in this thread. And most people understand that. But when a topic focuses on only one group fetishizing another group and talking about it like it is a huge phenomenon, it may make some people of that group feel like they're being questioned and/or judged. When they're out with their significant other they may be feeling like others are questioning their motives. They know that others see white guys who date only asians as a problem because of this reason or that reason, so when they're out in public with their SO, they begin to question whether others think the same about them. It is best to rather state it as any men/women who have a fetish for asians and/or asian culture, because hey white guys definitely aren't alone in this. Plenty of black men, hispanic men, etc also have asian fetishes, so why focus the ire solely on one group? By focusing on one group in particular you're going to stir up a few of them who feel like they need to defend themselves unjustly...then you(not anyone here in particular) complain about it.

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No she's not, nor are the people in this thread. And most people understand that. But when a topic focuses on only one group fetishizing another group and talking about it like it is a huge phenomenon, it may make some people of that group feel like they're being questioned and/or judged. When they're out with their significant other they may be feeling like others are questioning their motives. They know that others see white guys who date only asians as a problem because of this reason or that reason, so when they're out in public with their SO, they begin to question whether others think the same about them. It is best to rather state it as any men/women who have a fetish for asians and/or asian culture, because hey white guys definitely aren't alone in this. Plenty of black men, hispanic men, etc also have asian fetishes, so why focus the ire solely on one group? By focusing on one group in particular you're going to stir up a few of them who feel like they need to defend themselves unjustly...then you(not anyone here in particular) complain about it.

I'm saying that the white thing wasnt even focused on. She mentions white once and its in a specific example. Thats why I find the focus on the whole white guy thing out of place.

Eta: I didn't feel like she wad talking about white guys in particular. Watch.the.video again, because she isn't.

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When they're out with their significant other they may be feeling like others are questioning their motives. They know that others see white guys who date only asians as a problem because of this reason or that reason, so when they're out in public with their SO, they begin to question whether others think the same about them.

Then they should have some sympathy for Asian-Americans who are tired of being stereotyped. If people question their motives, yeah, that's a bad stereotype about white men. But it's also rooted in the stereotype that Asians are exotic and foreign, and the man who chases them is attracted to something for the sake of its exoticism. If it wasn't such a ubiquitous stereotype about Asians, the stereotype that white men who date them are pursuing that stereotype wouldn't exist.

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I'm saying that the white thing wasnt even focused on. She mentions white once and its in a specific example. Thats why I find the focus on the whole white guy thing out of place.

Eta: I didn't feel like she wad talking about white guys in particular. Watch.the.video again, because she isn't.

I never made a big deal about the white thing, that mainly came from others.

I was pretty much immediately accused of white man racism when I had an issue with the video.

How someone has seen white guys complain a thousand times or some shit.

Another chimed in about how white guys being racist gets old.

And something about white guys always do some shit on threads like this.

My issue is that it seems pretty clear to me that she is grouping all men who only date Asians together and assigning them all these weird traits.

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I never made a big deal about the white thing, that mainly came from others.

I was pretty much immediately accused of white man racism when I had an issue with the video.

How someone has seen white guys complain a thousand times or some shit.

Another chimed in about how white guys being racist gets old.

And something about white guys always do some shit on threads like this.

My issue is that it seems pretty clear to me that she is grouping all men who only date Asians together and assigning them all these weird traits.

Uh, no? She's giving examples of particularly egregious behavior that she has presumably experienced and why it's problematic.

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