Mental and Physical Health

[deleted01]

Thank you Sci, I'll take a look at those in the morning. I took to drinking tonight, something I don't do often and the likely reason for me spilling this crap here, so I do apologise for that. But I'm sure many people here know how it feels to reach the end of their tether.

[Guest Raidne]

(For me, benzos released my suppressed feelings and actually led to serious confusion and rage - if you might have PTSD, exercise extreme caution with meds, other than help with sleeping.)

Reading your post just made me feel a lot less alone about my own symptoms, by the way. Thank you for posting this. I hope I can help you too - you're the only person I've heard describe symptoms like mine.

[deleted01]

I have the same symptoms. Onset intermittent - BAD recently. My case has been diagnosed as complex PTSD. Treatment options for PTSD are not great. Anything I'd advise there would be controversial. I can help you figure out if that is a potential diagnosis for you. Are there stressful events in your past you feel this may be related to?

I had a physically and emotionally abusive father, who died 4 years ago. I had mixed emotions about it - on the one hand, my suffering was at an end. On the other hand, I could never ask him why he behaved so vilely towards me. What was it that I'd done? No closure whatsoever. I'm not saying that, had he lived longer I'd have been able to ask him these questions anyway, but the possibility was taken from me.

And on a third hand, I sometimes feel guilty for being so bitter. It's so easy to forgive the dead, so to speak. Other things happened as a result of my relationship, or lack thereof, with him. Bad relationship choices, drink, drugs, the usual I guess.

What's concerning me is that in the year following his death, I struggled a lot. But after a year, I got back to college and got a job, did my A Levels and got into university. I've had a few down days, but I don't think I've felt this bad since that year. And I can't understand why.

Posting here has already made me feel slightly more hopeful, I have to say. It's so hard to do, but the relief of actually talking to people who get it is immense. Thank you too, Raidne, the board always comes through.

[deleted01]

Out of curiosity, I checked the NHS website about treatment and stumbled on the symptoms:

General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) can cause a change in your behaviour and the way you think and feel about things. Psychological symptoms of GAD include:

• restlessness
• a sense of dread
• feeling constantly "on edge"
• difficulty concentrating
• irritability
• impatience
• being easily distracted

Your symptoms may cause you to withdraw from social contact (seeing your family and friends) to avoid feelings of worry and dread. You may also find going to work difficult and stressful and may take time off sick. These actions can make you worry even more about yourself and increase your lack of self-esteem.

So yeah, pretty much all of that. I've also missed multiple lectures, and yesterday I was supposed to meet my friend at a seminar we're both in. The tiniest thing happened - it turned out she was in the wrong building - and I panicked about going in on my own. I felt a fluttering in my chest, and there was just no way I was going in there. So I ran down the stairs and met her for a coffee instead. Sounds so ridiculous now, and I'm quite embarrassed.

The NHS website goes on to say that the physical symptoms include:

• dizziness
• drowsiness and tiredness
• pins and needles
• irregular heartbeat (palpitations)
• muscle aches and tension
• dry mouth
• excessive sweating
• shortness of breath
• stomach ache
• nausea
• diarrhoea
• headache
• excessive thirst
• frequent urinating
• painful or missed periods
• difficulty falling or staying asleep (insomnia) ​

Of those, I can pick quite a few that relate to me. Difficulty falling asleep, I'm constantly tired, I get headaches quite frequently, I am always thirsty and pee pretty often (my doctors tested me for diabetes and anaemia because of these symptoms. Reading them listed here makes so much sense now). I get the usual panic attack symptoms sometimes, like dry mouth, shortness of or unable to catch my breath, sweating and dizziness, accompanied by a tightening or fluttering sensation in my chest. I have also suffered from a bit of toilet trouble recently, and wondered why.

To be clear, I'm not self-diagnosing here, I'm just finding it informative to have this here to read. I also noticed that recently I've been having trouble with organising my thoughts, so much so that I've had difficulty spelling words that I've never had trouble with before. Like 'definitely' - a few days ago, I typed it so many times and it was wrong, until I focused properly on what I was writing and realised my mistake.

Edit: Not sure what's going on with quoting here.

[Guest Raidne]

Check out the reading list in the narcissism thread that I posted. Find a good therapist and figure out what's triggering you - emotional memory is the most available kind and it seems like something is triggering yours - maybe a person who acts like your Dad? The mean girls at my office triggered mother/sister things for me and my current boss triggers my ex-husband. Took me half a year to figure that out.

I'm not on the other side yet so I'm not sure what helps, but it probably involves greiving your loss - not the death, but of ever having a father figure.

Stimulants *may* help suppress PTSD symptoms. But further suppression may not be a good idea. Healthy self-soothing behaviors are. Do things that make you laugh. *Take it easy on yourself.*

The sick thing is that it probably all came out now because youe brain thinks you're finally in a place to handle dealing with it. Gee thanks brain!

[Guest Raidne]

(Those are PTSD symptoms too, by the way - the difference between the two is largely whether or not there are identifiable past stressful events and if those are what is triggering the trauma. At work, when vets have PTSD symptoms and we can't verify the stressor, they get a GAD diagnosis. Until this May, PTSD was a type of anxiety disorder, but stress disorders are a separate category in the new DSM-5. The PTSD symptoms in the DSM-5 are FAR more accurate than the DSM-IVR by the way.)

[deleted01]

Will do, thanks so much Raidne.

Strange isn't it? Though I think it's more that I feel like I have something to attack now, rather than just sitting here wondering what the hell is going on. I've been doing some reading, and for the first time in a month I feel like I might be able to take charge somewhat. Just a shame I have to wait until Monday to even arrange to see a doctor!

[Guest Raidne]

I think psychoanalysts are actually still good for this because it's all about "origin issues." We had an "existentialist psychologist" speak at work and he eealth with a lot of origin issues as well.

I'd recommend checking out the articles I linked in the narcisism thread on projective identification and splitting - anyone doing that to you now the same way your Dad did?

[Sophelia]

Dracarya *hugs*

It does sound like GAD (with depression). Pretty sure I've recommended it before, but you might find nomorepanic a helpful support site for you, with many more people experiencing similar things. There is a specific section in the forum on social anxiety which you might find relevant.

I also have a tendency towards anxiety and I too had a huge flare up in my third year at university, with panic attacks, health anxiety and huge fears related to an earlier traumatic experience (of a much more trivial nature than yours). Mine manifested slightly differently with a fear of being alone rather than a fear of being out with people, but I got awful insomnia. There was one time towards the end of the academic year where I had essays to hand in, and I was literally too afraid to sleep, stayed awake for three nights, then took a train down to London and spent a whole day having microsleeps as I travelled and walked around.

At the time I was bewildered why my anxiety (which I'd suffered in the years leading up the university, but which had gradually gone away) returned at that time. It now seems obvious to me in retrospect that I must have been stressing about it being the final year of uni, even though I felt no particular stress consciously and the anxiety seemed centred on completely different things.

In your case it does sound like you have unresolved issues (I guess I did too, but the fear of talking about them was too great). I have, since then, found counselling very helpful (I have not tried drugs for anxiety apart from a few times taking a minute dose of valium to deal with fear of flying). The thing to remember in counselling is that you are in charge. If you are not ready to talk about something, then don't. However you might want to select your type of counselling accordingly. The NHS would probably recommend CBT (which has had good results for people with anxiety and phobias) - the advantage of this for you is that CBT doesn't ask you to delve into your past, but simply gives you ways to change your thinking about the present. It gives you a specific procedure to go through when you start feeling the panic, which I have found very helpful (note that there can be a long waiting list for CBT - I decided not to wait, so only learnt about it from this book which helped me a lot). CBT is a fast approach, which is why it is favoured by the NHS.

Many counsellors employed by charities and in universities are person-centred therapists - nearly all the counsellors I have seen have primary used this approach, in which you (the client) are very much in control, and you decide what to talk about and what it means to you. This was hard for me to get used to when I was younger (I wanted advice and solutions given to me), but much better now I am older (I realise I really am the person who knows me best, and I learn what to do partly from my reactions to what the counsellors say in response to me - which is their technique). If you want the counsellor to be more active in telling you what might be going on, then psychodynamic therapy (influenced by Freud's psychoanalytic approach) is more that type of therapy - this is the one which most emphasises your past especially your parents, so this would be jumping in the deep end. Psychodynamic therapy typically takes years of exploration. Person-centred counselling is not fast either, though in my case I have found instant relief simply by having a person to talk to (any type of counselling would work just as well for that!).

Sophie

ETA: When you see your doctor he/she may prescribe medication to help lift the worst of the depression, because it may be that you would be too paralysed by the depression to benefit from the therapy and maybe you need to have a certain level of wellbeing to be able to start moving ahead. Having said that, you deciding to contact a doctor and posting on here suggests that you may be ready to go straight to counselling/therapy (if that is the route you'd like to try). The decision whether or not to take medication is a very personal one (doctors may be for/against but don't let that influence you). The book and website I have linked in this post both have sections explaining about the different types of medication, and the nomorepanic forums include people discussing their own experiences of using different medications (from which the main lesson is that different things work for different people, so it might take a while to find the one which is right for you - mind you, the same can be true of counsellors).

[deleted01]

Sophelia,

I have been worried about it being my final year at uni too. My mum's moved house and, while I have a bedroom, it's not home. Not that the last house was home either, mind. Being with my family turns me into a completely different person - long story short, we're not good for each other. So I can't really go there once I finish.

Which means staying in the south west, and finding a job, any job, and a flat, so I can stay here. I have friends, more so than back home, and a network of people (plumber, mechanic, etc), so I'm worrying about the 'what ifs' all the time. And then of course the actual degree. I was at a college in Cornwall for my first 2 years, and now I'm at a big university, it's so different and lonely. We get so little support. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes.

I have a question about CBT. My boyfriend was offered it last year, but it was to either be in a group therapy setting, or online at home. He opted for the online one, because really, group therapy? I couldn't think of anything worse. I also know a lot of mental health sections lost their funding recently, so I wonder if that will affect it.

Thanks for the links, and for sharing. I woke up this morning dreading any replies, I was worried that I'd overshared and therefore people would dislike me here more than they already do. Sigh.

Raidne, with regards to my dad, my initial reaction was NO! Definitely not! But I know that's probably wrong. He shut himself away in the later years, had no friends, and therefore we weren't allowed friends in the house. He was snappy, projecting his own life onto mine ("You clearly have no mates because no one comes round" "But you told me not to have anyone come round" "Yeah well they could still knock! Bet you just wander round by yourself every evening"), and creating the worst case scenario out of everything.

I know that since he died, I have worked tirelessly to not be like him. I can be aggressive, violent, nasty, but that person doesn't come out very often, because I've changed my thought patterns and behaviour accordingly.

That horrible person mostly comes out when I'm with my family. For example, I used to cut as a teenager, and hadn't done it for years. During the summer, I went home for 5 weeks, the longest I've stayed there since I moved out 2 years ago. My brother has turned into our dad, and maybe even surpassed him in his nastiness, and I lost it, and cut my wrist. I was so shocked and ashamed that I'd done it, I knew that I had to leave. That place is toxic for me. I'm even more ashamed that I lied to my boyfriend about how I got the cut.

And this is why I'm dreading my mum visiting me for graduation in 2 weeks. We tend to get on fine for a short period of time, and she'll only be here for about 24 hours, but I'm so keyed up and worried all the time, I feel a panic every time I think of it.

[Sophelia]

Dracarya,

all kinds of people have depression/anxiety/OCD/other issues at times, and those of us who have been through it know that sharing it is the most positive thing (and many have regrets that friends/loved ones did not say anything, and used self-destructive coping methods, which you recognise and are fighting against). Besides, the more of us who share, the better it is for those who think they are alone, to realise actually this is quite normal and you can get through it (so thanks again to Sci for working so hard to send this message).

Your question about CBT - yes, you are probably right that funding cuts are affecting provision. :frown5: (There may also be a shortage of practitioners)

Reading what you said something struck me (seeing a possibly illusory resemblance with myself), which is that maybe the heart of it is confidence (your confidence having been badly affected by your past). You don't feel in control and your panics are about fears that other people will treat you in ways that you won't be able to deal with. Confidence doesn't come instantly, but it has made me wonder whether assertiveness training would help you. Even reading about assertiveness might help you decide on the boundaries of what you will/will not take from your mother, and prepare in advance reasonable things you can say to deal with certain contingencies. I feel as if you are very sensibly aware of what is toxic for you and that you need to protect yourself, but that you are short of coping strategies (removing yourself from the scene being your main one), particularly those which would involve you saying things which might produce conflict with others. Assertiveness is about finding that middle ground in between being too submissive (or running away/turning it on yourself) and being too aggressive (your fear of being like your father), and it sounds like that middle ground is what you might be looking for.

[Lummel]

Group therapy Dracarya has its plus too - you get to see that you are not the only one with problems and maybe even that the others are even crazier, or best of all that you are the craziest ;) But I imagine that it cold be difficult if you are not even used to talking about your problems one on one.

Look you've identitfied that home and family are toxic for you - good, that's something you can control and work around. So with the mother plan her visit, minimise the time you spend alone with her. Do you have to sleep in the same house? Can you persuade friends to clump together and do things as a group - eg spending meal times with others so you are not on your own with her for hours at a time. Remember it is only 24 hours, you can manage.

If you are staying in the South-west you've got time to plan. Who else lives there, who could you stay with, rent a room off? Nothing is permenant, nothing has to b permenant. Once you've got yourself some cash flow and some shelter you can build yourself up, train to be a Solicitor if you like that idea or whatever catches your fancy :)

Five weeks is a hell of a long time, without mental preparation I'm in the deepend after a few hours with my dad, I admire your ability to have stuck it out that long.

[deleted01]

Yeah, thanks Sci. My boyfriend suggested I speak to people on here, and I admit that I was wary of it. If this thread hadn't been here I wouldn't have been able to speak to anyone or get any of the invaluable advice offered here.

My mum and I don't necessarily have a bad relationship. But it has gotten worse since the last time I went home, and we don't really speak much anymore. The situation for graduation should be fine, I'm just imagining that I'm going to be worrying about the ceremony itself, and so my mum will just make me feel worse and I'll snap at her. She's coming down on the Friday and staying in a hotel, as I live in a student place and can't offer a place for her to stay. We'll probably probably go out for dinner that night, with my boyfriend. Then we have to drive to Truro (about an hour and a half away) for the ceremony on the Saturday. She'll leave Saturday evening. So no, it won't be that long and I know that everything will be fine and even if it's not, it won't be something I can't deal with.

I thought I had the middle ground sorted, more or less. I'm not sure why all this crap is flaring up now.

[Lummel]

Don't worry so much about the whys Dracarya. At a guess you've already mentioned your worry about what comes next after graduation, the future maybe feels very big and unfriendly, the Mother sparks off memories of those five weeks and the family atmosphere and this is all condensing around the graduation.

Can a piece of paper and a pen help - just to list out different things to do, little steps to help you manage the situation? You have the Mother tied down and under control, so for a job you might do something similar, draft (or re-draft) a cv, visit the university career's service for cv advice or job search advice, hit some job agencies...For housing think of people you know you could share a flat or house with, rent a room off that kind of thing? So that instead of feeling there is big black cloud of doom looming ahead of you, instead you can carve out easy achievable steps to get you into a more comfortable position?

[Sophelia]

So no, it won't be that long and I know that everything will be fine and even if it's not, it won't be something I can't deal with.

I thought I had the middle ground sorted, more or less. I'm not sure why all this crap is flaring up now.

OK, maybe the explanation is more a physiological one, in that stress causes release of adrenalin, which leads to psychosomatic changes and bodily reactions such as hyperventilation, dizziness, digestive problems, muscle twitches, insomnia, palpitations etc., and also can lead to hypervigilance, with is a kind of acute attention/oversensitivity to any small thing which is a possible threat. So (guessing here) it may feel like your brain is reacting very quickly with emotional responses to situations which resemble those in which you have felt threatened in the past. However this is not because your thoughts have changed or the day to day situations are different, it's because the increased levels of adrenalin and making you more generally hypersensitive to those normal situations. Relaxation techniques such as mindfulness might help. (I am planning to try mindfulness as it's had a lot of research supporting its effectiveness - the idea is to stop living in the future quite so much and take the focus off those anxious thoughts, by focusing on the simple sensory 'here-and-now')

[deleted01]

That's all stuff I'd usually do, and I'm not sure why I've just let it get on top of me without doing anything about it. I was supposed to go to student services for help with referencing, but chickened out. This seems to be affecting too many aspects of my life.

I have no idea what I want to do after this year finishes. I guess I'll put my CV into some places and see what comes up - it'd be better to have any kind of job. I did apply for a position at the Police & Crime Commissioner's Office, but haven't heard anything back. One of my current housemates/friend suggested we share a place next year, which would be good, but it's dependent on me having a job. I guess once I sort one thing out, the rest will follow more easily. I just need to shake myself and do it.

I make lists constantly. I put things on the list that I've already done just so I can tick them off. Having a list makes me feel better in one respect, but then it kind of hangs over me, as if saying, why haven't you done this yet? You should have done this by now. How ridiculous does that sound.

On another note, I just received a letter from the doctors asking me to book an appointment for a repeat blood test (I had one a week ago for something unrelated to this). It doesn't state why.

If I'm completely honest, I feel stupid talking about this. I feel like I should be able to just get on with it all, and stop moaning. I realise that I'm lucky in some respects, and think that I don't have the right to complain about such small things, in comparison to others' problems.

ETA: That's good advice Sophelia, I'll look into it. I find I'm having an exaggerated response to any tiny thing. I'm definitely showing some physiological symptoms right now - tightness in my chest, twitching leg, tiredness. And yet at the same time, I feel detached. Is that even possible? I went out for a cigarette a few minutes ago (a habit that I was trying to eradicate, but my intake has gone up recently) and found myself zoning out. Yet moments before I was panicking about the letter I got, before I'd even opened it. Most people might see a letter from their doctors and think, what might they want? With curiosity. I felt genuinely fearful.

[Lummel]

Sophelia, I'm finding mindfulness very useful for what its worth, if you are interested it is certainly worth a try. It is very hard to talk or write about, at least for me, because the words to describe what can happen don't really seem adequate or properly explanatory.

Dracarya, be easy on yourself. You are finding life very difficult at this moment. There is nothing wrong about that, it is just the way it is at the moment. Don't beat yourself up or punish yourself by thinking that you should xyz. This will pass, it's ok :thumbsup:

If there are things that help you to be calm - do them, have a bath, lie down for half an hour, walk round the block whatever.

ETA Beware of thinking that you don't deserve or don't have the right to complain. Your problems are real ones for you and are causing you real grief and difficulty. If we don't acknowledge that because of the person who has it harder than us then uneventfully we are just going to collapse or be warped by the experience of our own problems. Ignoring your difficulties won't make it any easier for those people who may have it harder to cope with theirs. It's not as though there is a fixed limit of sympathy and compassion in the world and we are at risk of depleting it like some oil well.

[Sophelia]

I find I'm having an exaggerated response to any tiny thing. I'm definitely showing some physiological symptoms right now - tightness in my chest, twitching leg, tiredness. And yet at the same time, I feel detached. Is that even possible? I went out for a cigarette a few minutes ago (a habit that I was trying to eradicate, but my intake has gone up recently) and found myself zoning out.

Hi Dracarya, the 'zoning out' is also a classic anxiety symptom, also known as 'depersonalisation'. Nomorepanic has a good list of the symptoms here, with layperson's explanations of what causes them (in terms of stress and the fight/flight response), and if you scroll down you will eventually get to depersonalisation, just after headaches.

Lummel - thanks, I am encouraged that you are finding mindfulness useful. Maybe I will start a thread on it when I get started, because I am a bit nervous about whether I will be able to work it out on my own from books.

[deleted01]

That website is so useful. I get a kind of low rumbling in one of my ears, sometimes it sounds like my heartbeat, and both my doctor and I thought it was because I have a history of ear infections. How interesting and surprising that it could be related to this instead.

[Lummel]

Yes, you can learn it from books, some books come with CDs with guidance and there is stuff (ie guided mediations) avalible for free online. If you look for instance on You Tube for body scan guided meditations that will give you a starting point.